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#SelfhelpSaturday Post 1

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Debt Relief Programs – TOP TEN

Debt, oh how it can envelope us.  Drowning, is the term you may often hear used with the word debt.  As everyone that has ever said those words, “I am drowning in debt!”  really need help.  How does one go from the life of credit cards, and fake freedom to a life using cash and actual financial freedom.

I of course am no expert in financial freedom, although someday I hope to be.  Why listen to me?  Umm… I am starting the journey to become debt free.  Learn from my mistakes.  That way more people, especially young people don’t make the same mistakes that I did.

As I take this first step towards this debt freedom,  I realize I am about to work my way towards the most difficult journey of my life, almost like physically climbing to the top of Mt. Everest.  Not many people reach the top of Mt. Everest (approximately 4,000 people) over 200 people have died, here is the list of those that lost their lives to the climb trying to reach the top of this 29,000 ft. peak.  I was actually surprised to find out that over 4,000 people have successfully reached the top of this ginormous mountain.  These climbers are proof that it isn’t exactly impossible, but that this is also an event that not everyone will be excited to sign up for.  Talk about discipline and a little bit of insanity to sign up for this. And similarly, most people never realize the mountain of debt they have been building in their lifetime, and just where to gain the experience and wisdom needed to become an advanced climber to reach the peak of this mountain and claim it as their bitch.  How do we do this?  More importantly, how do I do this? 🙂

mountainHow severe is debt in the United States?  This is not a place of mystery for most.  I just googled it and those that are reliant upon credit to survive is at 40% according to “TIME”, and of course this percentage goes up to 45% when the income decreases below a $50K yearly salary.  I don’t make $50K.  I am not happy about being with 45 % of the population that relies on plastic to make it. plastic and the numbers that rely on it for everyday purchases

I know the struggle, and it appears that 45% of people making a similar salary or sadly, below the amount I make, understand this struggle too.

My first step this week has obviously been to find  a way to manage the debt I have incurred over my lifespan.  I want to do this on my own, so I only want to manage this solely on my income.  I have recently reached out to a debt relief program. Freedom Debt Relief Website  I know one thing is certain they do not consolidate or pay off student loan debt.  This makes me sad.  50 % of my debt or more is student loan debt.  This debt sadly stays with you until the grave and somehow I have heard that it can follow you there too.

Second step, realize my problems with credit card usage, and use methods of budgeting and only make purchases with cash.  Do not touch allotted savings each month.

I also need something to invest in.  Any suggestions?

My #selfhelpsaturday for April 7th, 2018 is about finances and being debt free.  Hopefully in a year from now we can see some progress.  Day 1, and step 1 of several.

HELP YOURSELF TO THESE LINKS!

5 Steps – Become financially responsible

Clean up your debt link

Huffington Post 2017 – advice on Self Care

Friday Feelings- My mental health self-evaluation day

My “Thank God it is Friday!” Face…

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Looking inside yourself, truly searching for who you are… then trying to describe yourself to others should be a skill that is perfected at my age. I will be turning 36 in less than two weeks.  I should be pretty good at this by now.  Name any person I should know better than myself.  I am drawing a blank, but honestly forcing myself to evaluate my thoughts and my current progress is a bit mind-boggling right now as well.

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I told myself that I would start being more mindful, and what better place to start than being mindful of who I am and who I am becoming daily. I can honestly say for me and many others that this task of truly inspecting yourself without bias is one of the most difficult things to do.  It is easy to make excuses and to draw sympathy from others with these self-proclaimed excuses.  I don’t want sympathy, sometimes I feel like I want sympathy.  I really don’t.  I want to be healed of this disorder.  My husband reminds me that people with this disorder can go through many years of intense counseling and still struggle with it.  This is a disorder that I was genetically predisposed to have when combined with a traumatic event or loss of a caregiver.  I can only really do this when I am honest about my mental growth and what still worries me.  True communication about what ails me and confronting these feelings and thoughts before they result in action will be my focus.

I can easily poke fun at myself, and talk down about myself for the sake of a joke, but true and honest talk about what is going on inside is very difficult.  I will now at this very moment designate my Friday blogs to be only about my mental health.  and what things are polluting my feelings about myself or my life while dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I have had some ok days this past week.  I have also had some very down days.  I have a love/hate relationship with the days where I have something planned. For instance, having an appointment at 11:45… and only wanting to read, or finish the last bit of an episode I found on Netflix can be bothersome.  I must tell myself in those moments. “No, you can’t cancel your appointment to stay home.”  I have to tell myself “You need this appointment more than you need to watch the rest of this show.  Hit the pause button, Michelle.”  I must tell you, the most difficult thing I am really discovering is controlling the urges to fall back into old habits.  Thankfully, I am not talking about finding someone to rescue me from my old prison.  I really feel that I have been able to stay focused on my family and mindful of the sacrifices and heartache they have already been through because of my lack of restraint, and I do not want to walk down that road ever again.  The urges that I am talking of that take me back to familiar ground are my urges to online shop or stop at a thrift store to seek out that bargain that gives me a good feeling, that momentary high.  I know that sounds a bit ridiculous.  I am and have been struggling to stop my online “window” shopping.  The kind of shopping that says, ” I will only buy something if I can’t live without it.”  Then moments later you have a cartful of items, and you are telling yourself… “Just keep it under a $100 sister, you deserve it.”  Seriously, this inability to control my thoughts and feelings about finding a good deal and my impulse to purchase things on sale not based on whether I need it or not has really put a strain on my financial situation.  I am trying my best to be honest with myself about where I want to be in five years, and living paycheck to paycheck is not where I want to be.  I have a stinking Master’s degree for goodness sake, and military experience.  Why in the world am I drowning in debt.  I need to improve the hold I have over my reigns on shopping urges.  I understand that I can live without the momentary high for the over-all improvement of my financial situation, and to find myself in a better place when my children are adults.  I am not just working on myself for me. Who I am and who I am becoming affect all those that I love.

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(Above Picture) is a great example of where I was.  I looked to shopping as “retail therapy.”  This is the most expensive and pointless therapy ever.  Do not fall victim to its alluring elements.  It will only lead you to feel worse in the end. It is a feeling very close to disappointment.  Oh, wait! No, that’s the feeling.  DISAPPOINTMENT.

Today, I am feeling very good about the things I have done recently to declutter my life.  I have done this for my kids as well.  Even though my youngest still has entirely too many stuffed animals and well, toys in general.  It feels good to understand what has been weighing me down in this particular part of my life and to consistently be present-minded at detaching from it’s powerful hold over me.  I do not want to be controlled by urges and these momentary & fleeting “good” feelings.  I am smarter than BPD.  I am stronger than BPD.

 

Help for those that struggle with IMPULSIVE SPENDING.

Have a blessed day.

TGIF, celebrate the small victories too.  We made it another week. Praise the GOOD LORD!

 

Oklahoma Education

My goodness, one would think that funding public education fully is a no-brainer.  I have seen so many charts and bits of information floating around on social media that makes this even more crucial now.  More students in schools, causing classrooms to bust at the seams.  More families relying on the school to provide not only academic nourishment but physical nourishment as well because of the increasing poverty of our state. Oklahoma is still ranked alongside 9 other states for having the highest poverty levels in the country.  Check out article here.  Poverty in Oklahoma

Oklahoma teachers acknowledge what a student’s needs are everyday and these needs are not being met.  Teachers are saying they aren’t enough to supplement the student’s learning environment anymore.  They are done waiting for results, they want the need in this state to be seen and felt.  If we do not see the reasons these teachers are standing out in the cold each day as they wait to speak to lawmakers, then you honestly haven’t looked into the problem that has been plaguing our schools for too long.

I am obviously biased as I have been in the classroom for many years, but this is about more than our salary.  It is about the profession and saying to our students that their state cares about them and the promise of a brighter future.  I know that for me this fight is about the role of teacher should not be disrespected, we respect our students, our community and our state by providing more than an education.  We provide care and inspiration to each and every class that walks through our door.  I am ecstatic that teachers will not be ignored this week.  Everyone is watching!  Keep it up your courage and strength are commendable.  I know that our schools were not allowed to walk at the capital except for one day this week.  They are taking the state tests that are required to hold teachers accountable for doing their job.  The tests never match up to the framework we are given to construct our objectives for the year.  I pray for these teachers in my town and all over our state.  I pray for those in other states who are saying that our kids are worth more.  Who do they expect to work at schools with children if not those who truly care.  Step back a moment representatives and find the solution, as there is a problem.  The problem is not that the teachers “are like teenagers asking for a better car” ~ Ok Governor, Mary Fallin. The problem is neglect of taxpayer monies and monies designated for education funding being unaccounted for.

OK Gov. “Teachers are like teenagers…”

I became a teacher for several reasons, and most of my friends became an educator for similar reasons.  I hope that educators can withstand the wait, I know they are patient enough… we have already been waiting for changes for over a decade.

 

 

Stone Flake on A Lake

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I was not in control of my emotions last night. Brad received a bill from his lawyer in the mail. He opened his mail as soon as he stepped inside.  The bill was for our day of mediation. And that day was pretty expensive. Her one day of work is more than I get paid in a month. That part wasn’t the important part. The important part was the anger he was feeling and directing towards me. I wasn’t in physical danger I have never been with him, but I knew some harsh words might be swirled around at any moment. At that moment he was transported in his memory to the days that I had chosen to leave and attempt a new life. I was running from my own pain. Trying to outrun my own lies. The days of deception and selfishness are behind me, why doesn’t he see that.  He was feeling all of what I had done to him and to our children all over again. I hate these reminders, I hate what they do to him emotionally. I felt destroyed last night. He was hurting and angry and needing to feel those emotions and I tried to rush his processing time. Why? Because, I don’t want him to feel these feelings. That was something I did, I don’t want to do it again. I don’t want BPD affecting my decisions.

He hit me with truths last night. He hit me with them so hard that I couldn’t find a reason to justify what I had done. The only thing left for me to do was to accept responsibility. I had to accept this pain. I wanted to run. Where would I go? I wanted to not feel this extreme pain. It flooded my head, my chest… and the only way to get rid of this pain was to cry, ugly cry! Annoying cry, I can’t catch my breath because I’m hyperventilating cry. I was hurting so bad and he said that my wailing and gasping for air was scaring our kids. I tried to stop, I wanted to stop, but my emotions would not do as they were told. After about 2-3 hours my meltdown calmed and we could resume with life. It makes me hate BPD. It makes me hate myself. I really hate hurting the people I love. I don’t like to disappoint.

Stone Flake on A Lake is a meditating skill my counselor gave me. It wasn’t helping yesterday,but it had been effective in the past. You simply imagine a flake of stone hitting the top of the lake, everything in me becomes cooler the atmosphere of my mind calms to see this small flake of stone hitting the top of the lake and then it slowly falls into the water destined to hit the bottom. But the one imagining this decides how many times it will glide back and forth before finding itself on the lake bottom. I like this method, it is calming. I had waited to long to start this coping skill so it was ineffective. As I look back on the order of events I probably should have started that skill as soon as I found out what was in the mail. Prepare myself to receive things with a calm mind and spirit.

Today was a rough day! Not only did I deal with that from about 8-11pm. I watched the teacher walkout throughout the day. The state of our education system is crumbling. It’s crumbling from all sides. The fact that our state officials aren’t taking this seriously is more than disturbing. This bothers me so much, because teachers have been disrespected for far too long in our state. The schools and it’s inhabitants should be valued and respected.

I will write more on that tonight or tomorrow. I need some breakfast.

Boiled Easter eggs to the rescue!

Have a blessed day! Thanks for stopping in to read my story.

Happy Easter!

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The simple joys of childhood. “I found an egg mommy! Oh, There is another one!” My three year old daughter found the prize egg today! She was so proud! My brother had to help her locate it. He hid that egg so well, and I told him that it was going to be way too hard to find. I am the person that was like tossing the eggs on the lawn in plain sight for the younger kids. Apparently he was trying to keep all five kids out there searching for that egg for hours, maybe even days. Lol! It was hidden so well.

Church service was wonderful, my dad came with us. Then Terry and Jessica made a wonderful dinner!!!

Today was a blessed day!

Thank you God!

Easter Eve 2018

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Happy Easter! We have made it to our first holiday since starting my blog. Sadly, this is another big holiday that has been super- commercialized, and the meaning of Easter means buying chocolate bunnies or marshmallow Peeps. I feel that the real reason behind a tradition is seldom taught anymore. I think I will start teaching my kids something before the egg hunt. Hunting for Easter eggs was always my favorite thing. I liked it more than Christmas as a child. I could usually find a few prize eggs, and one year I believe I even found the most eggs of every egg-hunter, which meant a huge prize! I loved it! I love the plastic eggs that break open to reveal a treat or some cash! I love seeking out the egg. Adding it to my basket then running off to find even more lil beauties decorating the front or back of someone’s yard!

The real reason for Easter! What are the traditions we carry out on this day and why.

Attending church… why is attending church important for some followers on Easter Sunday?

Why go to church on Easter?

The resurrection celebrated on Easter Sunday. He arose from the tomb. Who else has ever felt shut inside a tomb, curious of when the rock would be removed. I had a huge boulder blocking the door of my tomb. The only one strong enough to move it was Jesus Christ. I didn’t step out of that tomb perfect, but I did step out of it forgiven and new. Thanks to our Savior, Jesus!

“He was delivered up for our trespasses and raised for our justification.” Romans 4:25

This sentence about trespasses and justification makes me think of real-life relationships and how often we trespass against each other. I could probably find a way in which I am guilty of doing this daily.  With BPD – knowing boundaries is difficult and understanding how to deal with people once you have trespassed and  then guilty of hurting someone whether it be their feelings or their pride or maybe even both the way to repair or mend that is often difficult to find. I had such an instance today. The past came back to bite me. Things that I said, things that I did hurt my husband. I have a hard time showing empathy and so I get upset. I cry and then I say “I’m sorry for not being able to handle this better. I’m sorry for not knowing what to do!” Trespassing is easy. It is done with little to no thought or consideration of anyone but ourselves.  To have trespassed repeatedly against someone and then to have them raise you up with justification- meaning your innocence is justified knowing this is absolutely incredible. We aren’t fully equipped to be that forgiving as humans. but thankfully or Lord and Savior is! It’s almost beyond my ability at this current phase in my life, but He is teaching me to find my weakness and realize that those can be made stronger through Him. Praise Him! I’m thankfully that he is always there for me!

Happy hunting eggs and have a blessed Easter!

 

 

 

Yard sales for days

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I may have a problem! I shop, I shop impulsively. I shop for occasions. I love to shop for myself, and well for anyone that appreciates my “finds.” The only upside is that I mostly shop clearance racks or thrift shops. It’s part of the high. My retail therapy. I’m trying to lay off of this impulse-driven addiction. I’m trying to limit my impulsive acts.

I find that telling myself that I’m saying “yes, to organization” makes it somewhat easier for me to put the clothing item back on the sales rack, no matter how little it costs. I seem to feel the need to give a nice loving home to those gently used items of clothing. I’m like a clothes hero. Ok so maybe I’m not! I can just convince myself that just about any of my actions are good. So instead of saying “Yes to the dress!” I’m going to say “Yes to organization!”

I pulled 7 large garbage bags full of clothes from my closet to sale at my yard sale. I probably still have two large bag fulls left hanging in the closet. I’d say I have been committed to this compulsion for a while.  I am also a little ashamed to admit that I have two yard sales a year and usually donate items to Goodwill once the sale is completed. My retail therapy has gotten a little out of hand I’d say. This yard sale I gave three bags to a family that needed them and was still able to have plenty of items to sell.

BPD will not win. My brother told me to look into VA compensation for this. I’ll do that this week

I am exhausted!

Good night!

 

Waiting Room

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Hard days… yesterday was that for me and I don’t really know why. Some days hit harder than others. I know that I have much to worry about and I think I just got a bit overwhelmed. I’m sitting in the waiting room of my Psychiatrist office and I have been here for 30 minutes. It was full when I got here. Hopefully, I don’t have to wait much longer. It’s not that I’m terribly impatient, I have my dad and Everly waiting in the truck. My dad is my traveling nanny. He would rather come with me then to stay at home with her alone I think.   The reason I come to my psychiatrist is for medicine. I am on Paxil and Effexor… one for depression and one for anxiety. I am also on another medication because my thyroid doesn’t work properly. I feel ok with the meds and I take the lowest possible dosage necessary as I really don’t like taking meds.  I can tell that it does help though. So yesterday I had counseling late in the afternoon and I cried. I haven’t cried in a session in a while. I even said “I don’t even know why I am upset.” It just felt good to cry. There it is again “feelings” doing something because it feels good, with no logical reason behind it. We talked and I did feel better. I told my counselor… “maybe one of these days I will come in here and have nothing to talk about. She said, “ and that’s when we will know it is getting closer to the time that we will be done.” And then the next day happens, right? I feel that I will be able to manage life on my own. I’m still that kid trying to keep my bicycle upright while I put pressure on the pedals. I don’t want to fall. I don’t want to fail, so the hands on my bike keeping me steady feel necessary right now.

I have really been thinking about the reasons I have no friends. I have a few people that I know I could hang out with if I pursued them a bit, but I don’t. I tell myself that this isolation and reclusion is better. Easier. When I have bad days like yesterday I do feel like I need people, and at the same time don’t want the responsibility of handling their issues too. It’s so complicated! Relationships. Friendships. Life!

One day at a time, right?

Ok, I think they should call me in any minute.

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Organizing My Life

The plan:

I will weed out the things that are just cluttering up my life.  I am getting there.  I know that life is something we manage, and believe it or not we decide what takes up our precious time, our limited energy, and our never-ending worry. I want the things in my life to be worthy of my time, my energy and my thoughts and concerns.  I have inadvertently weeded out people from my life with past thoughts and actions.  I have very few people in my life now.  I am coming to terms with that.  Most of the time I appreciate my solace a great deal. There is peace with knowing that I don’t have to divide my precious time with people that may not be worthy of it.  I am sure that my family enjoys the time I choose to give them everyday.  It makes me happy to give my time, energy, and worries to my family.

De-cluttering doesn’t stop with the people I choose to give parts of myself to.  I have gone through my closet, and let me tell you, that needed to happen.  I had already searched through this thing once before since I have moved back in to my home a few months ago and it didn’t look like I had taken anything from it.  The two closet rods that held my clothes, were about 6 ft in length, and had no bare spots.  Today, I am proud to tell you that I have made significant progress.  I know that one of the things that I do as a person with BPD is impulse buy.  I have a few moments where this impulse buying has gone unnoticed, because I was unaware of my disorder. I am well aware of my impulses now, but have noticed that my control over these impulses need some work.  The first that I noticed this since being back home was at the furniture store.  My husband sent me to the store to purchase a dresser.  I needed a place to put my clothes.  I found what I wanted and a few other items.  I found a picture, a bench and the dresser.  I text him to let him know and he said, “You don’t need the other things.”  How do you think I felt after hearing that?  I didn’t feel good.  I wanted these things.  I “felt” I needed them.  These things made me “feel good.” I know now that I don’t need things to feel good.  This is definitely my choice.  I want my brain to work with logic, not by feelings.

Found these excerpts from an online source: https://www.letserasethestigma.com/bpd/

(“PEOPLE WITH BPD COULD CONTROL THEIR EMOTIONS IF THEY TRIED.”

Yeah, and when I had the flu a couple of months ago, I simply willed it away. [/sarcasm] The truth is, BPD is a serious medical condition which affects the brain. You know that part of your brain that helps you regulate your emotions? (It’s located in the front of your brain.) Well, for people with BPD, that part of the brain doesn’t work as well as everyone else’s. Marsha Linehan compares people with BPD to third-degree burn victims, saying that every touch is something they feel immensely. I don’t personally like comparing mental health conditions to physical ones, but nonetheless.

“PEOPLE WITH BPD ARE SELF-CENTERED.”

More often than not, the opposite is true. A lot of the pain and anxiety someone with BPD feels stems from insecurities they have about how they affect the people around them. People with BPD tend to assume they are burdens and constantly worry they are making people unhappy, which upsets them and can trigger an episode. If anything, people with BPD care too much.)

I have always felt like my heart was bigger than my brain.  I love too much and think so little.  Who knew that this was a disorder. I hope my insights and my own personal journey can be here to help others.