Season 2 Episode 3: Interpersonal Sensitivity

Listen here … https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/DMViY

In the previous episode, while speaking with our lovely guest, Imi Lo, she had mentioned… and I am paraphrasing here that people with borderline personality disorder & might possibly have an enhanced sensitivity when observing the slightest change in another person’s facial expressions, and that this sensitivity can be especially accurate when observing expressions showing negativity, and that this could mean that people with BPD may possess a higher level of interpersonal sensitivities.

What does that mean, higher interpersonal sensitivities?

I found a great explanation/definition from an article entitled “INTERPERSONAL SENSITIVITY: WHY IT IS SO IMPORTANT”
https://vbchange.com/interpersonal-sensitivity/
“Do you know when you can just tell that someone is in a bad mood just by their expression even if they have not said a word to indicate that they are in a bad mood? It’s the little things that give them away like their expression, that you are sensitively capturing. Or even if their expression is not betraying their current state, it could be the way that they are behaving, showing that they’re in survival mode. If it is someone you know well, then you can easily tell by their behavior having been altered from their usual behavior. How can noticing such things be useful and meaningful for us?

There are many non-verbal cues that we as humans can tend to give out to indicate the current emotional or mental state that we are in. Even if it’s a complete stranger, we can tend to pick up on subliminal hints through the way that they are acting, the words that they are speaking, the way that they are speaking, the tone they employ while speaking, the facial expression they have, among other non-verbal cues. In fact, body language accounts for 55% of communication between people.

You are able to tell a lot about a person you’ve just met, given that you are paying attention to all of these cues being presented by that person, whether they are doing it intentionally or unintentionally. The ability to correctly assess and understand information about them without having been directly presented with it is a little concept (it’s actually quite a big concept) known as Interpersonal Sensitivity.”

I feel I do this so much and without even thinking about it… & then I will react to certain facial expressions… the good, the bad, but mostly the ugly. I’m not talking about how you look on the outside, but those menacing expressions that come from deep within… those real feelings that the other person being observed had been unsuccessful at hiding, you even know they were trying to suppress their real feelings in hopes not to upset you. That sentiment doesn’t matter, because their slightest change has already upset you and aggravated your intense sensitivities.

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

This dance gets exhausting, even though it always happens automatically for the borderline. It is a quick & primary go-to defense mechanism that the subconscious has learned to use when others are displeased with us. I’ve been reading facial expressions for a long time now and even though I think I’m good at it. I will never get it right 100% of the time, why? I think being sensitive in this way simply means you are still living life in survival mode instead of living life.

To be completely transparent, I’ve been trusting my feelings more about what I observe in others. Really leaning into this to see what it really is. I’m sure I’m driving my husband crazy with it, because I’m not the type to observe something negative from someone and then just let it go. To top it all off, I’m leaning into this at the same time we are dealing with a highly stressful situation. Remodeling our burnt home back to something better, even though we had just finished remodeling nearly the entire house.

For me personally, from the viewpoint of a 40-year-old, “Textbook” BPD female, it can mean that having high interpersonal sensitivities or abilities mean that you could very well still be living in survival mode. If you are currently more worried about not upsetting your environment, or the people in it, & you find it necessary to please everyone in it… You are living in survival mode. You likely haven’t begun to see that your environment is unsteady because you are still relying on others to be the support for you that you feel you are to them. The reason we (people with BPD) are highly reactive to any displeasure shown by those in our environment, it shows a disapproval of our tireless attempts at maintaining a copesetic environment. We take on that role and feel very hurt if someone is unappreciative of all of the work, we have done behind the scenes to keep others happy. At the very least we hope to keep the peace, this always has a tendency to slap us in the face.

A person w/BPD can be triggered by the slightest negative change in facial expression or tone. We have become excellent at interpreting the unspoken human language. Our mind tells us who we can likely trust, and who is valuable for our survival. The slightest change in another person’s normal reaction, can affect a person with BPD so much, that often times they can automatically go into a defensive mode, either to protect themselves or to fight against their biggest fear, which is being abandoned for one reason and that reason in their BPD mind is that they weren’t “good enough” or that they didn’t “do enough” I am not certain that every person that has BPD deals with the fear of abandonment, but in my life it has created many moments of regret.

Byte of Insight – unscripted, have a listen…

Announcements – Still rebuilding after the fire, bringing a lot of inconveniences and next episode, April 3rd.

Byte of Insight – unscripted, have a listen to the episode.

“Unconditional love is the outer expression of inner peace”

Alaric Hutchinson


I realize now that most of the people in my life have had transactional love from me not unconditional love. I was asking them to have the same type of love for me, for myself. show me this feeling you have for me by some tangible transaction. Show me that I am worthy of your time and attention. I know now that unconditional love doesn’t require this of anyone. You are loved for who you are, not for what you aren’t. I have worn myself out entirely being transactional in the past. To my lack of understanding relationships, I can now blame my upbringing and romantic movies. To continue to exist in that way though would be by choice and I don’t choose to love transactionally. I choose to love unconditionally.

Have a wonderful day and don’t forget to choose truth, goodness, and LOVE!

Season 2 : Episode 1

Topic: “The Comparison of  Mental Health Disorders To Society”

Season 2

Introduction:  HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! Welcome to the World in Black and White this is Michelle and I am the narrator and creator of this podcast. I am grateful to begin Season 2 discussing Borderline Personality Disorder with you and giving some helpful strategies that might make a positive difference for those living with BPD.

Vision: My vision for the second season of “The World in Black and White,” is that this season includes interviews with mental health experts, discussing life with some willing & kooky friends, as well as adding some forced commentary from my family members. I mean, why not?  Those dealing with mental health disorders usually surround themselves with some pretty interesting & entertaining people.  I want those listening to this to receive a dose of hope and possibly some useful strategies that help direct them towards a healthier path. I aim to achieve this in a manner that inspires others to choose a place of self awareness and authenticity. I hope to create a space here that allows all people to shed their mask, and to listen without fear of rejection or criticism.  Alright, let’s go to that place that arouses self-awareness and acceptance… This is The World in Black and White!

So I was just having a conversation with my older brother, and to give you a little background on that relationship, he and I both served in the military as Chaplain Assistants from 2001 to 2005. We were both recruited on the same day, but he was still in braces and had to complete his orthodontic treatment before he could be sent to basic training. 

My brother is only 3 years older, but I have always seen him as a much older and wiser person than myself, partly because of his kind and calm demeanor, but also his ability to look at specific problems and respond with biblical solutions. He has been there for me through some very tough times, and I just want to be sure that you all hear the genuine respect I hold for him as an individual.

Our duties were the same in the military, we were responsible for setting up the space to hold religious services. We would also provide administrative and combative support to the chaplain when necessary.  I began telling him this morning what my topic for this week’s podcast would be. That I would be making a comparison of what society has experienced over the past couple of years with having a mental disorder, (specifically Borderline Personality Disorder.) He then asked me,  “Have you heard that they are going to bring institutions back to place “crazy people” in that go against them?” 



So I felt it important that I get this out, because well… They might lock me up soon.  I just want to say that what I am trying to get out to others will probably be censored or flagged as misinformation, all that I am sharing today are my own opinions and comparisons… Well most of us know, once you have been labeled as “crazy”it is hard to remove that label or to have other people take you seriously. 



(1st)

Ok… Ladies and Gents, humor me for a minute and imagine society as one being. Lets refer to humanity now as “Gertrude”  and poor Gertrude has just recently married a man that no one really knows all that well and we only know that he has a lot of mystery in his history. 

Within no time, we see Gertrude that had once been a happy and free spirit,to a recluse, unable to go to any social gatherings.  He was hiding her away.  The only reason he gave was that she was not well and had to stay indoors for her “health.” 

Then the man she married all of a sudden begins to strip her of her ability to speak on her own behalf, answering every question she was asked with a scripted answer from a “higher authority”  Gertrude’s friends became concerned for her well being, but knew that there was little that they could do for her.  So they did nothing and said nothing. He would now be the one to make all of her decisions for her, because he said that he knew what would be  most suitable for her. Gertrude by this point had been convinced that she was also going crazy, because that is what he would say to her anytime she disagreed or questioned him.  During this time, Gertrude was given a test result that now showed that she was positive for the “deadly virus” .She was told that  the only hope of surviving this illness was to take a jab that hadn’t been fully tested or risk the possibility of succumbing to this “novel” illness. 

Gertrude discovers that because of her time living in a toxic environment she had officially started to question her own sanity. She knew that she didn’t like the environment, but found it impossible to run away from it, his toxicity had permeated everywhere, those that she thought were friends, had turned their backs to her. Believing his narcissistic lies, over her truths.   


So… Here is Gertrude truly experiencing gaslighting, coercion, loss of autonomy and identity.  Gertrude shows how one can develop a mental health disorder living in an intentionally toxic environment. Gertrude is trying to separate from this mysterious man at the moment… So we shall have to wait and see how the story plays out, but I hope we can agree that Gertrude needs to move along on a new path.  

(2nd) Inspiration for the story…

So for the past couple of years we have all had to make some pretty crazy concessions or lifestyle modifications to simply survive the infected landscape that covid provided. It birthed chaos and complexities onto our simple reality, the events that occurred as a side-effect of covid have been tremendous and unlike any many people had ever experienced.  

I immediately started to notice that there were some striking similarities between the elected official handling of the events and a highly toxic environment. They were delivering a lot of insulting remarks to people that questioned them and continued to offer one-sided demands without possibility of discussion or debate. (Let’s just say I was quite familiar with this dance and it immediately stood out like a red-flag to me!)The intention here was to make the individuals that questioned  their motives appear to be crazy, it also frightened others from speaking out. No one likes to be labeled as crazy, it reduces their thoughts and opinions to nonsense, even if it isn’t.  This very same thing happens in Narcissistic relationships.

The similarities that I was quick to notice, were the insults towards those that questioned provided guidance and information, as well as the blatant disregard for human immunities or liberties.  The other red flags were the simultaneous attacks on our rights, more specifically the right to free speech and the right to bear arms.  At this very same time, we were dealing with a global pandemic, which turned out to be a “designer illness” waging an attack on everyone’s physical health.

 Being a veteran of war… I felt we were being attacked on multiple fronts, I was only aware of two specific attacks at this time, one being the psychological and the other being biological.  I was arriving at these conclusions based solely on my feelings and prior experience with toxic relationships, but it was evident to me that something bad was at play.  Which led me to write the story about Gertrude. (*disclaimer, I am not referring to anyone bearing the name of Gertrude.) Have a Nice Day!











Alright it’s time for our Byte of Insight

I am just going to make a few comparisons from this story to mental health. So in the story you heard gaslighting, I’ve put a definition on my blog. Michellefightsbpd.com 

This definition was provided by google


Gas·light   *definition provided by Google Dictionary.

/ˈɡasˌlīt/

verb

gerund or present participle: gas-lighting

  1. manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning.: “in the first episode, Karen Valentine is being gaslighted by her husband” “we are being gaslit about our health on a grand scale by these people”.



The second comparison to mental health is when you survive a toxic environment for a while you start to develop ways to cope or survive that environment. So while it may seem that society or Gertrude was just going along with everything she was simply just trying to survive, but she was surviving in an environment that was intentionally toxic. And so we need Gertrude to get out of that environment and to see for herself that there is a healthier path, a healthier way to live her life. 

So the story for Gertrude may seem a bit familiar and I have even left many events out of the story.  The villains in this fairy tale chose to instill fear, to replace her logic center with an”other perception” and that  “following safe guidance” would save her life, that the removal of her personal autonomy would now be replaced with a new and more effective governance that would keep her alive.  

My conclusion: Society has developed a mental illness without any hope of a cure.  Well just like Borderline Personality Disorder doesn’t yet have a cure, I don’t truly believe that there isn’t a cure.  Or that those dealing with BPD actually need to be cured, but rather their toxic environment needs to change.  I believe that there is, and the elements that bring us closer to that healing have always been; truth, goodness, and love! I am uncertain why society or Gertrude in this instance had to endure emotional, psychological and physical abuse, but I am sure that we are all trying to recover from enduring a very toxic relationship over the past couple of years, and that we all put blind faith and trust in an entity with evil intent.  No matter what name we bestow onto society at this point, I personally wanted to acknowledge that we were gaslighted and ridiculed when we questioned their motives.  I am still holding onto hope that we can yet again achieve peace and real health & that more and more people become aware of the root of this mental illness and to combat it with truth, compassion and understanding.  

Announcements:

I moved my dates to air the podcast to Monday, this gives me all of Friday and the weekends to record, edit and add if needed. This will be every other week.  SO be looking for the next episode the following monday.  So start looking for the show to air on Mondays, we all need a reason to like Mondays just a little bit more.  

We have another Guest Speaker on the calendar and is set to air in February, which is perfect because I have loved her positive take on Borderline Personality Disorder.  She has held roles as a mental health supervisor, suicide crisis counselor, psychotherapist, art therapist, and trainer to therapists and coaches. She is an author and you can find her literature when you visit her site eggshelltherapy.com  WE are certainly excited to be adding her to our upcoming schedule. 

Closing: Thanks so much for tuning in we have come to the end of the podcast. What did you learn? Who can you share this podcast with? If this resonates with your spirit or makes you think of a certain someone that has experienced similar issues in their life, please share this with them.  I believe mental health is something that we are overlooking on a massive scale and in order for people to heal we need to be able to speak about this openly and honestly.I hope you are excited about Season 2 of “The World in Black & White”  and until next time choose truth, goodness, and love. 


Crisis Help Line: If you are dealing with matters of life that have left you feeling defeated or overwhelmed, I want you to know that sometimes we are able to lift each other back up to fight again.  If you are currently in a place of troubled thoughts, please don’t waste another minute and just reach out.  There are people that want to help.  Please call 988 to speak with someone that can help you find necessary resources or listen to a person that simply wants to help you through your current situation.  

What happens when a person calls 988?

Those who call 988 will hear a greeting message while their call is being routed to a local crisis center within the Lifeline network, based on the caller’s area code. A trained crisis counselor then takes the call, listens to what is being said to get a better understanding of how their problem is affecting them, provides support and connects them with resources as necessary. If a local counselor is not available, the person calling will be routed to a national backup crisis center. Longer term, the system is intended to link 988 callers to community-based providers who can deliver a range of crisis care services, including mobile crisis teams and stabilization centers. 

If texting makes you feel more comfortable please text 62640 (between the hours of 10am-10pm ET)
If you are currently in crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 | Text “NAMI” to 741741 for 24/7, confidential, free crisis counseling | If calling 911: Ask for a Crisis Intervention Team (CIT) Officer

New Year, New Expectations

One of the things I’ve definitely learned in life up to this point, is that the only person you can truly have expectations for is yourself. Expectations for the person with BPD can lead to many explosions and disappointments.
I’ve learned that to expect someone to behave in a way that is pleasing to you, well it’s just not realistic.
Having expectations for any other individual (one exception maybe being your children) can often leave you feeling gutted (empty) and miserable(depressed). Almost a quarter of a century ago I remember making some smart-ass comment to my mother… “Don’t have expectations and you won’t be let down.” Quite a feisty comment coming from the mouth of her teenage daughter.

I think she said something about cleaning up a mess her pup had made after the pup had torn up an entire roll of paper towels. My mom had been at work that day, and when she walked through the door, she said “I expected that you would see this mess, and take care of it!” She was right to say that, as she is my mom… but I also saw this particular situation as not my responsibility because it wasn’t my dog.

This back & forth of vocalizing our expectations actually led to me being thrown out of her house. I was 16. Thankfully, It didn’t leave me homeless, I lived with my dad & I was only there that Friday to visit for the weekend. Long story short, we eventually got over it and had a proper discussion about it.

Now I see the ways I could have handled myself more appropriately. However many, many lessons had to be learned in order for me to see the error in my ways and change my bitter & spiteful attitude. I really should have cleaned up the mess, not because it was her expectation, but because it was the right thing to do.

After all of those lessons, I have learned that I don’t try to teach my children to meet MY expectations. I show them the expectations I have for myself that will hopefully lead to me becoming a better human being, and I openly talk to them about choosing appropriate expectations for themselves as well.

You can always communicate your expectations for the people in your life, but it is still up to that individual to accept those expectations as their own or up to you to find out what expectations they may have already established as their own.

I’m starting this year off by being intentional and realistic with my personal expectations. I will not look to others to meet my expectations because they have their own. If I find myself expecting something from someone I will pull back and readjust my perspective to seek understanding rather than to be let down by unmet expectations. Happy New Year to my beautiful BPD warriors! Let’s expect it to be great!

“6 Things To Help Manage BPD”

(Last episode for season 1)

Link to Podcast! https://s-ssl.wordpress.com/i/spotify-badge.svg

Season 1 Episode 9:

Intro: Hello and welcome to “The World in Black and White” My name is Michelle and I am the narrator and creator of this podcast.

Vision: My vision for this podcast is that it will bring hope to all individuals that may be overwhelmed by the challenges mental illness can create as a person attempts to navigate life in a positive and successful way.  

Crisis Helpline: I want to also make listeners aware of help that is available. Call 988 to speak to a crisis operator or text “helpline” that is H E L P L I N E to 62640 .

Stoicism says not to worry about the elements of your life outside of your control, that the only thing you can ever really control is yourself, or rather your reaction to those outside elements that you “feel” are affecting your outlook on life. I posed the question a couple years back, “can a person with BPD be a stoic?” It was interesting for me to consider that the rule was so simple, yet so foreign for someone at the mercy of overly reactive chemicals to external stimuli. To even consider that someone could have this type of control over their responses to the world intrigued me… and so I researched stoicism for a bit. It was super difficult for me to resist the urge not to react to everything outside of my control. 

I’m still working on some level of a more controlled response to the world. I am still wondering if someone suffering from this brain disorder has the capability to become a stoic? 

This next portion I will be sharing is a blog post I made about Stoicism and BPD in March of 2020. 

Here is a previous blog I wrote about stoicism and BPD Can An Individual With BPD Become A Stoic?

  So I came up with these 6 things after responding to a comment someone posted on Reddit.   I will omit their comment, as it was the response that triggered this episode anyway.  Sometimes we don’t know what we have learned until someone else needs to know what you know in order to get through something troublesome.

MY RESPONSE:   “I’m going to sound like a b-word when I say what is required of you to “feel” better. I just need you to know, nothing will ever change If we aren’t honest about what is required to get out of your own way. BPD is a brain disorder, chemicals have hijacked YOU. Every BPD person has unknowingly given these chemicals an all-access pass to control emotional responses.  We have always been at the mercy of these chemicals. 1st and foremost – stop making excuses 2. Stop justifying your avoidance to seek understanding of BPD. We must relocate from victimhood. 3. Claim your autonomy, and immediately start working on self-awareness. 4. Embrace the emptiness until it’s gone. 5. Decide that being present is more important than anything contrived in a fantasy. 6. Get active. These are not fail-proof instructions, but it’s been effective enough for me to stay present a lot more than before and focus on things that mean something to me.”

After responding to this person, I noticed that I may have some more things to share with listeners about managing their borderline personality disorder. With no real answers or cure to Borderline we must all  focus on managing ourselves, until we figure out the issues causing the symptoms. 

#1)  If we are at the mercy of chemicals responding to our environment reactively and without permission, how likely is it that a person with BPD can control their emotional responses?  Don’t chemicals just have a way of doing their thing without asking permission?

(Definitions found on newharbinger.com)

Cortisol- a chemical released during stress that helps to break down carbohydrates and proteins in order to increase the supply of glucose and oxygen in the muscles, heart, and brain. But high levels of cortisol over a prolonged periods of time lead to an increase in blood pressure and an increase in sugar levels, both of which lead to unhealthy fat build-up in the abdomen, thinning of bones, and prevention of collagen formation. High cortisol levels also suppress the immune-system response and cause the body to age faster.

Serotonin- plays an important role in the regulation of mood, sleep, and learning. It is found throughout the brain and the digestive system, and has been implicated in depression, suicide, anxiety, and appetite regulation

Opiates- are released (under ordinary circumstances) by the brain to dull pain in response to body-tissue damage

Just knowing cortisol can affect in a negative way… traumatic events and high stress situations…  you can control your actions to help alleviate some of those environmental triggers. 

#2)  Avoiding responsibility or competency of your disorder?  Are you a “manager” or are you a “victim”?

I still catch myself saying “If you would just be nice to me, I wouldn’t have these episodes.”  while this may be true.  It is no one else’s responsibility to make me behave appropriately.  It is my responsibility.  Understanding my weaknesses, helps me manage this brain disorder.  When I am feeling unloved, invisible or misunderstood, I should seek to understand the reasons this is occurring and not just try to “feel” better by any means necessary.  I know that even our defense mechanisms tend to happen automatically, but if you work at maintaining a mindful existence, you will see the unhealthy ones and realize they aren’t truly helping you “feel” better, they are only interested in making the pain go away and to survive.  Living a good life is much more than just surviving.  




#3) You are an autonomous being with unique characteristics and specific attributes that make you, YOU.  Awaken to who you are.

I am a work in progress.  Honestly, I am still getting acquainted with who I am. This introspection has been motivated by a series of events that had to happen in order for me to understand I was “surviving on autopilot” and not really living the life I would want to live. Since arriving at that understanding of self I embrace that I am a strong person that has already accomplished many things, even with a disorder that creates more self-inflicted pain than living without BPD. Embrace this strength. 

#4) Healing is feeling, and sometimes that means embracing the emptiness until you have squeezed every bit of it from those special compartments you like to hoard painful & unpleasant moments.  

Imagine running water from your kitchen faucet,  take a rag and soak it with water, then ring it out.  Does it feel dry, after ringing it out once? Probably not, because no matter how much you ring it, the rag will remain damp, until you lay it out flat in the sun.  Our pain is similar to a damp rag, if we wad it up and stuff it deep down inside of us it doesn’t ever go away.  Especially when we just keep it under a running faucet.  If you want to get rid of the pain, you will need to lay it all out and with time let the light (personal insight and acknowledgement) dry it up.  You may need to do this process several times.  It is worthwhile work. 

#5) Being present, and not caught up in some fantasy, is the only way in which you directly affect your overall mental health.  There is no escaping this fact!

There are several moments throughout my day that I see people using technology to escape reality.  I am wearing headphones right now listening to the Top Hits on Spotify and I am doing this to block out distractions, to help me focus on creating my podcast notes.  Well, my family escapes reality by playing video games and watching youtube videos or any social media platform currently available.  It is ok to escape for a little while, but if you are constantly seeking the escape, maybe you need to take inventory of what is happening around you that is inspiring this desire to escape and do what you need to do to make your reality more comfortable for you to exist in peace.

#6)  MOVE your body and be physical.  It helps battle the negative chemicals by releasing the good chemicals that your brain is desperate for, and the physical benefits of being active aren’t so bad either. 

I can tell you since starting kickboxing and pushing to do this multiple times a week has helped my mental state in a big way.  You don’t need a gym, take a walk, or buy a jump rope.  Do some pushups or sit-ups and log your workouts.  This activity will help you “feel” better. 

BYTE OF INSIGHT: 

It is so easy for me to describe to people the ways in which they don’t show their appreciation for me, and this usually looks like some sort of adolescent tantrum.  The reason this expression looks like some sort of teenager not getting their way, is due to my lack of self-awareness.

In the past, I expected everyone to understand that my unloading was the only path for me to find any level of peace again.  I would only offer this “explosion” as the necessary path they deserved to take with me after they so selfishly and consistently offered me their inconsiderate behaviors. Instead of halting the inappropriate talk or behaviors as they occurred, I would expect them to choose not to do those things, out of some sort of expression of love and commitment to me.  I would then by way of silence, allow them to continue their behaviors towards me that I did not approve of,  and this would then create an ugly pattern of  behaviors and treatment that weren’t  acceptable, but allowed. 

I now know that this “explosion” can be avoided by establishing timely & appropriate boundaries, however this awareness took me a very long time to establish boundaries for myself and my family members and friends.
I have found the closer you are to someone the harder it will be to set necessary boundaries.  I think it might also be relevant to state that this realization means that the person dealing with BPD has the hardest time setting boundaries for themself.  I am able to justify just about any type of treatment I “feel” like justifying.  Instead of letting my “feelings” tell me what is appropriate. I have now designed boundaries that say “Will this behavior/communication express how I feel about this person honestly?”  If the answer is no, I would only be trampling all over myself and my authenticity. Which is the last thing I want to occur. I have been working hard at understanding myself and all the things that make me, ME. Beyond that… I want those that I love, to feel that love and trust my love.  I want the people that I care about, to know that I hold their future and their feelings as a personal priority.  This has helped me quite a bit on my journey to healing the relationships I have thoughtlessly injured in the past.


So even though I have in the past unloaded whatever it was I had been “containing” directly on to my loved ones, I was doing this to somehow attack their behaviors.  But what I was actually doing, was informing them that it was ok to communicate in this way.  I had just demonstrated what I accept as appropriate behavior & an appropriate method to communicate.  Even though it is not how I want to communicate.  It helped to create an ugly and emotionally abusive cycle. I now choose to show love and patience and seek understanding, all while hoping that I will also receive the same.  


I was showing people with my own actions and expressions that this response was normal or “appropriate”.   So Instead of burying the hurt or dismissing the moments I felt disrespected, I should discuss these things or events in a healthy way. Knowing that  I would not treat them this way, and would like the same consideration from them, and that if they can’t show this type of consideration for my feelings, then maybe they do not hold one of the places I have reserved for my closest relationships.  I should not rely on my ability to bury things, in order to keep a relationship. 



Challenge:Stoicism and controlling yourself! Change your responses to the people close to you.  This has been trying for me at times.  When I dish out honesty it is served alongside an attitude that says “I’m right about this, you are just too ignorant to see it from my personal perspective.”  I despise trying to appear like a “know it all”, because well… I know I don’t know everything. Before when I would start speaking my truth or opinions about something, I would expect everyone to just accept it as their truth as well.  That will not always be the case.  I have been working very hard at accepting that the rest of the world, especially those closest to me, do not experience or see the world as I do.  I must first try to see their perspective then express that I understand their point of view before offering my own, and there may even be times where the other person doesn’t even want to hear it.  This has been challenging for me most of my life, but since opting to try this method of communication out I have already seen positive responses when communicating my wants and needs, or when I am expressing my raw feelings about certain things, to my friends and family. 

Closing: Thanks so much for tuning in we have come to the end of the podcast. What did you learn? Who can you share this podcast with? If this resonates with your spirit or makes you think of a certain someone that has experienced similar issues in their life, please share this with them. I believe mental health is something that we are overlooking on a massive scale and in order for people to heal we need to be able to speak about this openly and honestly.I believe this will also be the last episode of season 1. I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and wish you all a very Happy New Year! Until next time choose truth, goodness, and love.

Season 1 Episode 8

Self Awareness continued

Link for podcast:https://open.spotify.com/episode/1XrZtuJAdGayala84IBzjs?si=RUwQKqfKTyWOYdLUsiszGg

Intro: 

         Hello and welcome to “The World in Black and White” My name is Michelle and I’m the narrator and creator of this podcast.

Vision for the podcast:

My vision for this podcast is that it will bring hope to all individuals that may be overwhelmed by the challenges mental illness can create as a person attempts to navigate life in a positive and successful way.

CRISIS HELPLINE: I want to also make listeners aware of help that is available. Call one of these numbers or text them to find help.

Text “helpline” that’s H E L P L I N E TO 62640

Or dial 988 for crisis operator.

Announcements: N/A

Topic:  (SELF-AWARENESS CONT.)

We began talking about a study that identified some areas that might be of some interest for those suffering from BPD.I know it did catch my interest.  What the study showed is that even very early environmental interaction can affect an individual that is highly sensitive to their environment & that the lack of interaction from the parent or caretaker helps to create BPD, and it also instills a lack of self awareness. What we are finding out as we search for Borderline Personality Disorder and the relation to self awareness, is that there’s not a lot of information out there.But self awareness is key when trying to manage this disorder. 

So armed with this information from the study I went to have a conversation with my caretaker, my mother.  I asked her, “Were you depressed or was anything serious happening when I was an infant?”  she responds with “The year you were born was the year my dad died. He died 8 months after you were born.” 

Now I’m not entirely sure because the study doesn’t just blatantly say what age an infant has to be.  When I asked my mom about this she was clearly upset that she had lost her dad she immediately started trying to hold back tears and she failed at that so she began to cry I leaned over and gave her a hug and put my hand over her head I could sense that she was truly upset and that she missed her dad.  Now imagine 40 years ago, when I was just a baby how upset she must have been. I do believe that my mother suffers from borderline as well… just undiagnosed.  So that emotional, overwhelming event kept her at bay, from me when I was a baby. It’s important to remember in any relationship that you may create that other person has issues, and pains & things about them that may not help you, and I had to make that realization about my parents, in the past few years. In recognizing that I was able to forgive them.  I am still processing the pain because I really don’t like being controlled by this disorder. So I do my best everyday to work on self awareness.  

So why is self awareness so difficult for a person with Borderline? I have literally been thinking about this in the back of my mind all week. What I have come up with is that because a borderline is constantly looking at facial features and emotional feedback, body language. Little microscopic things that tell us we are pleasing or accepted is what we rely upon in order to function. To be in reality and to have your brain constantly over-analyzing every unspoken response and trying to dictate what your next words or movement action behavior whatever it is to have that be appropriate in that moment makes it quite difficult to dive into who we are and to give an honest response, because our number one fear is to be rejected and then abandoned because we were not pleasing or appropriate 

So in my search for self awareness I realized that the absolute number one thing you have to do is start being honest. You have to pull from deep within yourself. Being deceitful comes very easily for the borderline because were literally telling the people what they want to hear but when you are honest and you get to tell someone what you actually think or how you actually feel makes you aware of you. This is gonna take some practice.  Here are some of the strategies I personally use to make an honest effort of being self aware.  

If someone is having a conversation with you and you start to zone out on things happening inside your head, stop them, interrupt them if you must, and say “I am so sorry, could you repeat everything that you just said?” & Truly listen and & truly give them honest feedback.  

The other thing that I have been working on is time.  I use different times throughout the day to take care of myself,or to take care of my classroom, or I have to schedule certain things, so that I am making myself. I’m putting forth all of my energy on tackling specific tasks.  

We’ve all heard that “truth hurts,” but we’ve never heard of why it hurts. It mostly hurts our ego, but we can learn from the truth, and if we are always being honest then we will learn ourselves as well.

Sometimes creating pain in others is inevitable and sometimes having pain inside yourself is inevitable. So I’ve started to accept the pain and abandon the suffering. If I feel the pain and let it go then that is all it has. It is just a moment of my time and attention. When I let it go it no longer resides with me. I can move on and live life. Being self aware means that you are aware of who you are and while I still struggle with that, here are some things I do know; I am a woman, I am a strong woman, I am a courageous and strong woman. I like adventure sometimes, I like to rest sometimes, I do love to spend time with my kids, and love talking to my class about life, and I am happy that I am a mother, and that I was able to be a mother. And I am also happy to be managing bpd and trying to help other people and encourage them.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to do on the podcast today, because there is very little information out there about bpd and self awareness. I do have this one hope that some of  my honesty today… Me just talking to you reaches someone and helps them work on self awareness and helps them manage their bpd just a little bit better because ladies and gents I do know how difficult it is and i wish it weren’t that way and the more I learn about borderline is that there is a reason for all of this there is a purpose behind it and we just have to become self-aware and understand what our purpose is, what our truth is, and then go out and be that. 

BYTE OF INSIGHT: sharing information that is good information

(Found online at optimumperformanceinstite.Com) 

“MANAGING BPD

Coping with borderline personality disorder can seem daunting, however help is available. It is not a life sentence, and it can be managed. Some of the following have worked to help people manage BPD in daily life:

  • Learning coping skills for raging emotions
  • Expressing emotions via creative outlets like drawing, painting or writing
  • Performing relaxation exercises
  • Active problem-solving behaviors
  • Setting attainable and realistic goals
  • Seeking comforting surroundings
  • Listening to music that is opposite of the strong emotions felt
  • Taking a warm shower or bath
  • Setting a stable schedule
  • Calling someone to talk
  • Talking to people about triggering events or situations to help avoid them
  • Engaging in a physical activity or outlet
  • Learning about the disorder
  • Being patient and understanding that symptoms may improve gradually

Understanding the signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder can go a long way toward healing. By identifying that these mood swings and intense emotions are not intentional, one can learn to recognize the warning signs and learn to cope.

Challenge: I write every day! Whether it’s a response to something that happened or an idea that I had I tend to enjoy jotting those things down, however I’ve also found that writing about my feelings takes the bad seasoning out of my responses should I need to verbally respond to someone about a particular issue. It’s also a good way to keep track of my thoughts and feelings, and it helps me identify how different people or events change my opinion about them if their expectations aren’t what I had hoped. My challenge to you is to journal not at random but about situations that may arise this week that make your temper flare or break your heart or spirit. Instead of giving an immediate and impulsive response… write it down, then, when you have calmed down you now have something to calmly refer to if the discussion needs to happen. 

Closing: Thanks so much for tuning in we have come to the end of the podcast. What did you learn? Who can you share this podcast with? If this resonates with your spirit or makes you think of a certain someone that has experienced similar issues in their life, please share this with them.  I believe mental health is something that we are overlooking on a massive scale and in order for people to heal we need to be able to speak about this openly and honestly. Until next time choose truth, goodness, and love.

Thanks for your time! Happy holidays to each reader/listener! Peace within ✌🏻 is achievable! 🥰

Season 1: Episode 7

Self-Awareness

Link to listen to the podcast: 

Intro: 

         Hello and welcome to “The World in Black and White”My name is Michelle and I’m the narrator and creator of this podcast.


Vision for the podcast:

My vision for this podcast is that it will bring hope to all individuals that may be overwhelmed by the challenges mental illness can create.

Announcements: (none)

Topic:  (SELF-AWARENESS)

Alright…  Welcome back everyone, this is episode 7 of the first season of The World in Black & White!  I am going to try and knock out 11 episodes total, for Season 1 before the start of 2023, so wish me luck!

This week’s topic is very near and dear to my heart, SELF-AWARENESS!

I don’t know the percentage of Borderlines that deal with this issue, but I am sure it is high. 

 If I were put on the spot to give 100% honesty on whether or not I liked something I would respond with a neutral type of response, still being unsure of what the appropriate answer might be for the given situation or I’d be worried about the response the person asking me the question is seeking. I’d probably just say “umm sure, it’s good” 
For starters, I do not like to offend but the closer I steer towards being authentic and honest, the more I realize that there will be times where my wants and needs may not be the same as others, and that my opinions and beliefs may not match their beliefs.I just need to remind myself that this doesn’t make me offensive. (because In my head, offensive people aren’t well liked.)  and because well, answering with an agreeable answer is less troublesome. 

but I have found that the moments where I have abandoned my opinions, beliefs or values to be agreeable for someone or something are also the initial moments that create conflict in my life. I know now that I must redirect my responses towards honesty and steer clear of always being agreeable. 

This amnesia of self may be one of the most destructive behavior patterns for PwBPD. 

I have made a lot of progress by bringing my focus on being present, really tuning in, consistently seeking my inner voice, and presenting the truth to others about the thoughts that are awakened or my true feelings when situations needing my input may arise. //

CRISIS HELPLINE:
  I would also like to let listeners know of help that is available.  Call one of these numbers or text them to find help.  I pray you always find someone there to pull you up.   

You can call or text 988.

Another helpline available through the National Alliance for Mental Illness is 800-950-6264 or text “HelpLine” to 62640


Are you able to make good decisions in a timely manner, or do you waver a bunch and say “well what do you want to do? Or what do you think we should do?”

I always thought this behavior pattern of mine to be a considerate personality trait. I was offering the decision to be made by someone else, to give them an opportunity to experience any level of joy out of that decision.  But in doing so, I have lost the ability to make my own decisions based on what I truly think or believe.  However; I think one of the only times we aren’t indecisive is when something causes us to “feel”. I am curious to find out if this need to “feel” happens because so many people with BPD actually function in their own lives  in a numb and apathetic way.It appears we have discovered some kind of mental switch for autopilot. 

However; this default in my brain to avoid making decisions for myself stems from my inability to see who I really am and what I really want.  This also leaves me with the inability to be decisive.  I rely on many other people to help me make good decisions. Why should I trust others and their decision-making over my own?

Well, I think that’s a good question!. I think I have stumbled upon something that will help us understand a little bit better why people with BPD have such a hard time with self awareness and understanding who they are, what they think ,and what their beliefs are//

BYTE of Insight:
Lately, I have been struggling a ton with not being able to see myself.  I don’t mean I need to buy glasses or clean my bathroom mirror.  I mean, I’ve noticed that I’m lacking in the area of self awareness and understanding my own identity. I am working at getting a better understanding of all the things that make me, me.

This may sound silly to some listeners but I do believe that this is a big issue for someone battling textbook BPD.

Not having the slightest clue of how others see you may directly berelated to that inability to see/know/or understand myself.  

I bet if you have BPD you are bothered by this just as much as I am.  

We have already learned that splitting occurs, as well as other unhealthy defense mechanisms when the PwBPD is threatened and that this happens on a subconscious level. 

I am now constantly telling myself, there is no threat Michelle.  Or reminding my brain that everything is ok, because I don’t want some unhealthy defense mechanism hijacking my mind or my behaviors.//

STUDY OVER SELF:  Alright what I’m about to read is an abstract from a study
Link:

Mentalization and embodied selfhood in Borderline Personality Disorder – PMC (nih.gov)

ABSTRACT:  Aberrations of self-experience are considered a core feature of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). While prominent etiologic accounts of BPD, such as the mentalization based approach, appeal to the developmental constitution of self in early infant-caregiver environments, they often rely on a conception of self that is not explicitly articulated. Moreover, self-experience in BPD is often theorized at the level of narrative identity, thus minimizing the role of embodied experience. In this article, we present the hypothesis that disordered self and interpersonal functioning in BPD result, in part, from impairments in “embodied mentalization,” that manifest foundationally as alterations in minimal embodied selfhood, i.e. the first-person experience of being an individuated embodied subject. This account of BPD, which engages early intersubjective experiences has the potential to integrate phenomenological, developmental, and symptomatic findings in BPD, and is consistent with contemporary theories of brain function.

“disturbances in self and other mental representations are fundamental to borderline psychopathology” (p.514). Similarly, Kerr et al. (Kerr et al., 2015) calls for a “reconceptualization” of BPD as “a disorder of self and relationality” (p.346). Interpersonal symptoms can include confusion about self-other boundaries with identity diffusion, projection of difficult affects onto interaction partners. One person with BPD evokes a bodily experience of this confusion (italics added):

(So this is from one person and what they have said but it hit me 100%!)

When I’m around other people, I can feel their energy. I can feel whether they’re happy or unhappy. I can walk into a room and feel whether there’s tension in the air or if everyone is getting along… Having my own identity issues makes it even harder to be around certain people. I feel other people’s emotions so strongly that sometimes, I believe they are my own (Mae, 2017).


PLANS For Next Episode:  
So I am thinking I will go further into this study and talk about it more on the next episode, one of the last things they talked about in the study is that while bpd
“ remains in current classification systems and can be reliably diagnosed. A considerable body of research on self and BPD has accrued, including a recent profusion and confluence of neuroscientific and socio psychological findings. These have generated supporting evidence for a supra-ordinate, functionally constituted entity of the self ranging over multiple, interacting levels from an unconscious, ‘core’ self, through to a reflective, phenotypic, ‘idiographic’ and relational self constituted by interpersonal and sociocultural experience.

  I am listening to many people that have been diagnosed with BPD on reddit and other websites that focus on psychology or mental health.  I ventured to one site called themighty.com and found an interesting article entitled “25 PEOPLE SHARE THE WORST SYMPTOMS OF BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER”

 




One of the responses from James said that his worst symptom was this…

“No sense of self. I went through so many majors in college and I am constantly second guessing myself. Do I really want to do this with my life? What about this instead? This looks better let’s do this. It’s tiring for myself and everyone around me. I’ll finally settle on something and then something better will come along and I jump ship.”(quote from Themighty.com)

I believe people that are highly sensitive to their environment look externally for the correct response, because we were the ones to keep environments from becoming too chaotic during important moments of development.  We weren’t given appropriate space and time to figure out the things we like/dislike, or what we really feel.  We were more than likely always told how to feel, or “to get over it!” 

Challenge:

The challenge that I would like to put out for this week is to use TRUTH as much as possible, rely on yourself to make those decisions, stay present, focus on listening to yourself,  make a list if you have too.  But the challenge is to be honest about what you want, and what you need.  And I think that is a good challenge for this week and I think it will pull you to a better place of SELF AWARENESS.

CLOSING:  Thanks so much for tuning in… We have come to the end of the podcast. What did you learn? Who can you share this podcast with? If this resonates with your spirit or makes you think of a certain someone that has experienced similar issues in their life, please share this with them.  I believe mental health is something we are overlooking on a massive scale, and in order for people to heal we need to be able to speak about this openly and honestly.

…Until next time… Choose truth, goodness and love Closing:

Fighting BPD…

How real is this statement in your life?

“The chronic emptiness and lack of identity. I am a ghost, stitched together with fragments of those I’ve known throughout my life. I pick apart their personality, and create this sort of ugly Frankenstein…I, even at the age of 26, still do not know who I am or what I like/dislike. There’s nothing more harrowing or isolating.” —(from themighty.com)PwBPD Yasmin A.

Bless you Yasmin. Thanks for sharing this. It touched my heart in a way I didn’t expect. I hope the following words help those that feel the same way.

I just want to share some positive thoughts about these “BPD things” we do flawlessly & without any real effort to do so.

Yes, we are fragmented in our emotions, we had to resort to this to survive, because we are highly sensitive to the emotions of others. We tend to absorb reactions, all of them (even the ones that haven’t happened yet.) Which means we often pick up the slightest differences in someone’s mood. We feel let down when others can’t do this for us as naturally as we do, and sadly we need it a lot.

Yes, We mirror in order to be received by our POI (person of interest) who was so intriguing, that they were able to awaken our curiosity. They in one way or another offered us a new & different approach to the world.
You allow yourself to absorb the parts of their personality that attracted you to them. During this process we may find some parts we don’t approve of or we may even attach too much value to the little bit of attractive personality they offered us. Either way, we tend to discard them because to love someone fully is painful. We understand that they don’t love like we do on a cellular level.

We will sabotage any relationship either to test the durability or to get them to move on.

Yes, we love big & we shower our POI with all the attention and love that we are just wanting to be reciprocated. A matched intensity.

We aren’t the bad monster in this world. We aren’t the “Frankenstein” unless you are consciously choosing to cycle through these emotional hurricanes without taking inventory of what it is you are actually seeking .

We were broken at times in our lives when we should have been protected. Our high sensitivities to people and situations was established on a subconscious level to protect us from further harm.

We are able to survive most any situation and get a long with any type of person.

We wear an emotional blanket that we have “stitched” together to act as an added layer of protection from the world that taught us early on that you need to be many things in order to make it out alive. (So we absorb various personality traits.)

You aren’t the monster. We have been trying to find the most useful personality, because at some point in our lives we received the message that ours wasn’t enough.

We have a lot of emotional sensitivities that allow us to persevere through intense & tough situations, not to mention doing all of this with an intensity and passion that can make other’s heads spin

We are highly perceptive to what the needs of others are, because we were conditioned to take care of the external & surrounding chaos at some point in life.

People that have been involved with a PwBPD would love to paint us as the monster, but maybe we are just mirroring & exposing all of the things they would like to remain hidden. We become what they aren’t pleased with and when that picture settles and the image comes through they “feel” that we have somehow changed them or abused them. No, in most every case we take the intentional beating and intentional abuse in order to protect others. I have learned, the toxicity I dish out happens after I have had my fill of disrespect or complete disregard of my thoughts or opinions. I honestly believe That those suffering from a brain disorder has taken the blame for too long.
I’m now no longer fighting the world. I’m fighting my brain for control. I will no longer let my innate and toxic defense mechanisms rule my life. They are kept in check by fiercely and persistently staying present.

Be a monster if you have to, but realize the war for you is internal.

(I’m now seeking me!) I’ve given every person I’ve ever met the opportunity to show me something good.

The better we are at seeking our authentic selves. The more equipped we arrive to the battle.

Life is a struggle, we were trying to live it by seeking comfort in a world that doesn’t understand how uncomfortable we are all making it. Thinking that we should seek comfort is one of the first lies we need to eradicate from our beliefs. Get uncomfortable, we aren’t monsters… We are fighters! Love you Yasmin, and anyone else that is fighting a battle!