I skipped the podcast this week, as I have had a bit of a stressful week. Dealing with things that I have been anxious over for several months. If you read my bio, you are aware of all the things that have happened in my life since the end of 2017 and the start of 2018. I have dealt with almost losing my family, my job, my sanity. I have done my very best to prevent all of those things from happening, and I am happy to report that I have my family and although it requires a great deal of work, it is work I am happy and willing to do. I had a meeting with my school and they are going to keep me. It will be a slight change of assignment, but just the fact that they didn’t want to lose me made me so excited for the new assignment. I welcome the change whole heartedly. I will describe more when I have been given the green light to announce it to the world. I am ecstatic about the progress I have been making and while my sanity is still in question, I am taking back control of my life.
I have been awake since 3:00 am and woke just to use the restroom. I feel I wake at this time almost every night. If it isn’t 3:00 am, it is 4:00 am. I guess that is a sign that I am getting older. I remember the days when I could sleep through the night. This also never happened before being prescribed anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety meds. Does anyone else see these changes?
I just spoke with my best friend on the phone yesterday and she is such an amazing friend. She was heading down my way and wanted to stop by after she was finished attending a wedding. I loved that she called me to tell me. I was not feeling too hot yesterday after the meeting and after my son’s ballgame. A headache continued to keep me off my feet most of the day and night. I think it was brought on by stress, but could have been anything really. My friend and I have known each other for over 20 years. That doesn’t seem possible, but it is true. She has always been a ton of fun to have around. She has one of the most AMAZING laughs, and has a great sense of humor. I could always be myself around this girl. We have had so many adventures together. She is now a mommy too. She adopted a son, who is absolutely adorable and smart as a whip. She works hard and has plenty to show for it, I am very proud of her.
During our conversation, she said that she had listened to my podcast and thought that it sounded a bit like I was taking all the blame for the decline of my marriage. She asked, “does Brad take any responsibility?” I could feel my immediate defense starting to rise, and wanted to immediately agree with her and say “not really!” The truth is, he has taken responsibility, but more than just declaring how he could have done things differently. He is still taking responsibility with every sincere apology and by learning how to best deal with someone that has BPD. If I have learned anything throughout this whole process, the important thing isn’t that you point out who is to blame, it is to stay focused on the journey and your mutual destination. I am not here to blame him, what would that change? Nothing.
Brad and I had a discussion when he got home from work, he had a load of mixed emotions when hearing the news that I was still employed with the school. I could tell something was bothering him almost immediately, but I was trying to avoid any confrontation. For 1, I had a headache lingering, and 2, I wanted to feel good about myself for longer than an hour. I wanted to soak in it for the rest of the night. I understand that sometimes we don’t get what we want in a relationship. It is that give and take, right? He was overwhelmed by the costs of the divorce that we halted. I asked him to look at it in a different way. I said, “don’t look at it as money down the drain, look at it as money spent to get us to a higher level of understanding each other and on to a better relationship.” He replied, “easy for you to say!” He is right, it was easy for me to say. I didn’t want to bear the load of guilt and blame that comes with such a high price tag. He was also a bit bothered that I would still be an educator. Where we live educators aren’t paid very well. He was hoping for a better paying job so that I could help out more with finances. I do want to help out more with finances, but a school schedule allows me so many other things that a higher paying job may not offer and these are things that I need. I need to be off work when the kids are out of school. I need to be able to drop them off in the mornings and pick them up after school.
(My babies pictured above… Circa 2014)
I need to be able to be a mom first and an employee second.
This job although still a difficult job works best for those priorities. Those priorities may change for me once the kids are older and taking care of most of these things on their own, but for now it seems more suited to my priorities. I just didn’t even battle this point, I only said ” I am just happy to have a job, and one that is so close to home.”
We can control ourselves and that is exactly what I will continue to work on. It is a bit more work to try to regulate my emotions when feeling criticized, or confronted… but I am gaining patience as well as a better understanding of human emotions.
Mondays are typically my non-writing day. A day of so called “research” or rather a day of scrounging up a few edible bits to chew on for later use. My Monday looks similar to what a day of being stranded on a deserted island might look like to most.
The cast away (me) is left starving after surviving off a diet of pure coconut and decides not to eat another flake of the milky white insides of this deceiving nut. The castaway desperately seeks an alternate food source.
searching high and low for a bit more insight on BPD.
I wanted to find something more noteworthy than just a fact feeding video (the coconut).
Ok, that was only what I did today, I normally just live life on Mondays without scrounging for topics, but I was in the mood to do a little research today. It was a long day of trying to understand myself better. Looking for something that might spark my interest or provoke some deep form of thinking that I could translate into a relatable topic. I was just browsing through loads of videos on YouTube.
The only connection of all videos were of course those three little letters in the title; BPD. Not true, there were blatant similarities. One common similarity is the definition of borderline. People usually spout that off in every intro. Which is fantastic, because if I had not been diagnosed with this disorder, I would not know of its existence.
Most people making these videos give great information and are armed with many facts that address BPD. I have learned the differences between a classic borderline and a quiet borderline. I have learned that psychiatrists are more inclined to deny treatment of borderline patients. I have learned that I have a lot of similar mannerisms to other exposed “virtual” borderlines. I also found myself sucked into the rabbit hole and also having a faint desire to meet with these people and help them and in turn learn more about myself.
A doctor and professor from Yale University speaking on one of the videos I managed to come across today explained a great example of what the difference is between someone living with BPD compared to someone that isn’t.
the solid black line represents the working mind of a non-bpd brain. _________________________________________________
the line below represents the working mind of an individual with BPD.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
I think this is a great example. It is actually a viable and simple way that may be helpful to others when they try to imagine the differences. I can still work normally most of the time, it just requires a little bit more work and mindfulness when I hit the moments that I am not a solid line.
I am letting a few other things that I found marinate until the podcast on Wednesday. I appreciate you taking the time to read the words I feel compelled to share. Have a wonderful day.
side note- Technically it is Tuesday, so I am not posting on Monday.
Motherhood-(My personal experience)
My days spent pregnant can best be described
as unpredictable and full of surprise.
Each pregnancy lasting approximately 40 weeks.
Why can’t this pregnancy stuff just be a breeze?
A rare condition is discovered that only 2% of women experience
Hyperemesis Gravidarum – nausea with a vengeance
Needing meds for 9 months, to keep all of my food down,
And to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground.
I couldn’t wait for the sick feelings to subside
And to meet the little being that had been hitching a ride.
“Breathe, breathe… Push, push, good, once more! Here he is, your little boy!”
The hard work done for now, the rush of overwhelming joy.
How little I knew about being a mommy
No time for excuses, let’s get to the O. J. T.
The second you hold them safely in your arms
knowing that one of your duties now is to keep them from harm
Six years of raising an amazing big bro
welcome your sister to the big show
The tears you shed during this emotional moment
adoring both of the angels that Heaven has sent
There is no one that will love you two the way that I do
Never worry my angels, mommy’s love is big enough for both of you
There is nothing I am more proud of than being your mommy.
Thankful for a chance to celebrate this beautiful day with both of you in 2018.
For as long as I can remember I have been a nail biter. I even have a picture somewhere that shows me biting my toenails. Before you begin to judge, I was only 2 years old. At that age it wasn’t gross to me. I will say it now, though… GROSS!!! And instead of my family stopping me, they only stopped to make it a Kodak moment. I am sitting there in some very tight fitting, 80’s styled toddler outfit, looking like some sort of chunky albino monkey chewing on my toes, bearing a huge grin on my face. Thanks mom or grandma, whomever is to blame for the evidence we now have of my intense nail biting. This habit was obviously a self-soothing method to cope with my nervousness. Instead of sucking my thumb, I found relief in chewing up my nails. I just recently discovered that this is something that people with BPD suffer from as well. (Article attached at the end of blog.) They are also classifying people that bite their nails habitually and harmfully as OCD, labeling these individuals as having a diagnosable mental disorder.
I have had several people give their best efforts to keep me from biting my nails, the jalapeno sauce on the fingernails, and one of my aunts went as far as even trying to bribe away my bad habit. She would say that if I could grow my nails she would pay me some hard, cold cash each time I would go to visit her with longer nails. I was unable to grow them at that age. Life for me at that time was far to nerve racking. I do feel that I learned to chew my nails during intense moments to help ease my anxiety. And then it became a horrible habit that until now I felt I was unable to break.
I can remember spending loads of money getting fake nails, and feeling better about myself almost the instant my nails were done. How does a little bit of powder, gel and polish change the way I feel about myself? I know that how we feel about ourselves on the outside can affect our mental state. It can cause serious issues. What could possibly be enhanced by fake nails? Why stop there, why fake lashes, fake breasts, fake tan, makeup even. Falsifying who we are on the outside to make ourselves feel better on the inside. Personally, the idea that I could apply beautiful nails hid the fact that I had a horrible habit of biting my nails. It also concealed my failure with my battle of being a nervous and insecure person. The fake nails hid those real parts of me. I loved fake nails, and I would even pick out the polish by the name… It had to match my mood or the persona I wanted to exude.
I am happy to announce that my addiction to fake nails has since been rehabilitated and I have beaten my nail biting nervous habit. I am now actually growing nails, and I can’t tell you how this small & unimportant physical feature actually empowers me. I feel like this is something I have battled since the age of 2. I had always felt that I wouldn’t be able to beat this habit. Making the once impossible idea of beating this bad habit, now very possible. The major change for me that has helped me beat this habits was first simply asking myself what it is I want? Giving myself time throughout the day to care for myself. Making my mind up to be more present, to be engaged more often and less time checked out. I could spend hours adrift in my thoughts, before practicing mindfulness. I check in with reality a lot more regularly now. Being more intentional with my actions, and with the way I want to treat myself and others. I don’t live in a fantasy world, and I know I create what is happening in my life, and that I am in control of what happens with my body. Starting with growing long, beautiful nails. This is just the beginning of being 100 % real.
Now if I could just kick my habit of Snapchat filters… I would be all real all the time. LOL!
Happy Mother’s Day to all the super hero moms out there that do their very best for their kids! Every day isn’t always easy, but they are all definitely worth it.
I am nearly finished reading this book. It has provided a lot of useful information. I am happy to have found it available at my local library. So a choice piece of literature for free. Bonus! And for a person that hasn’t been able to complete a book in a very long time I am feeling very good about including one of my old cherished past times of reading back into my daily routine. That word “routine” seems funny for me to even write. I have very few things that are routine. However, I seldom perform these “routine” tasks at the same times each day. Is it still considered a routine? The definition describes it as a “fixed program.” One fixed program that I must stick to is making a cup of coffee in the morning. Each morning a wonderful little invention called a Keurig creates a bit of magic in my kitchen. It dispenses a perfectly made cup of motivation. I don’t know what I would be without it… probably still asleep. 🙂 Thank you Keurig manufacturers.
On to the highlights of the book. I get carried away sometimes with my thoughts. It is my inevitable “squirrel” moments.
Chapter 88 is a chapter every living, breathing person should read. And possibly revisit several times throughout their lifetime. The title says all that needs to be said, “Experience your mistakes as catastrophes -or- Treat your mistakes as valuable feedback” As a teacher it was very easy for me to remind my students that mistakes were part of the learning process. Inventors do this and learn from their mistakes. We know that mistakes are inevitable. The fact is no one is without their faults… The trick here is to find the value of every mistake made. Remember the lesson that you learned from your mistakes and then avoid making the same mistake again. Consequences are valuable teaching tools, but they aren’t nuclear bombs. You can LIVE and LEARN and continue LIVING. If we were meant to learn without mistakes, erasers would not exist.
One of the final statements made in the book is this, “Choice unleashes the potential within each moment. As you become MINDFUL of the potential within this moment your life gains momentum, becomes momentous. When a moment matters, LIFE MATTERS.” I really hope to remember the meaning of this statement for the rest of my days. We are the directors of our lives, each and every day plays out the way we choose it to. For the longest time I have always told myself that someone else was in charge or controlling parts of my life and this would always stifle my personal growth. I now take responsibilities for myself and my decisions, staying mindful of this will help me continue with making progress.
Have a wonderful day being in charge of your life!
Pink bunches of balloons with pink ribbons that curl
Another year celebrating our epic little girl.
Year one is full of small giggles & coos.
We learn that you love to play peek-a-boo!
Blonde hair and blue eyes, aggressive and strong
How did we ever get a child that’s blonde?
Year two, sniffles and doctors, tissues and shots
Lots of dresses, shoes & toys man oh man do I mean LOTS!
You are talking and singing and finding out your likes.
it won’t be long now until you’re riding a bike.
Year three flew by for all of us, I think
you have grown so much and now I don’t want to blink.
You have so much love and such a crazy imagination
I never knew God could make such a beautiful creation.
Mommy and daddy are Oh, so proud of you!
It seems like only yesterday that you were turning two.
Year four we aren’t ready, but we will smile anyway
Loving you baby boog always… Happy Birthday!