I was diagnosed on October 24th, 2017.
I am a mother of two. I became a mother in 2008, I was just about to celebrate my 26th birthday. My children are 6 years apart. My eldest is my son, and my daughter is the baby. My husband is tall, dark and handsome. He is a hard-worker and enjoys being with me. He is what most women look for in a husband. I however, a sufferer of BPD, had painted him as an evil spouse. I was doing my very best to ensure my escape from our marriage. In 2010, I tried to leave him. It didn’t work. In 2012, I had an affair with a man that lived in my mom’s neighborhood. My husband decided to stay with me. Shortly after that time we discovered we were pregnant, and I gave birth to our baby girl in May, 2014. Here it is 2018 and I am doing it again trying to escape my life. My husband was the one to discover my patterns even before I acknowledged that they existed. Here I was trying to run away from myself and my husband again, and this time I had an individual who was backing me emotionally and financially. I had convinced someone else that we were “In Love!” My husband didn’t deserve this treatment and I didn’t have a clue as to what I was doing. I was trying to survive. I know now that he didn’t deserve the image I had developed of him. I did know that I had always exaggerated his darkness. I know now that I did that by holding onto only the negative emotions that he had made me feel. I know now that I can have my heart broken with just a few words and I don’t want that to define who I am. I tend to find weakness very unappealing and I hope to one day defeat this affliction.
I didn’t really understand the importance of the diagnosis at the time, because I was still in control of most things in my life. At the time my husband and I were working at staying together after he had discovered the most recent affair, and I was pretending everything was fine… all while still staying in contact with my affair partner. Only two weeks after my diagnosis my husband discovers my secret phone. The phone I would use to contact my affair partner. He was ready to leave and instead of watching my two kids pack up and leave with him… I chose to leave. I chose to leave for several reasons. I thought my husband deserved better. I thought I deserved better. I thought my kids deserved better. I had already promised a life to someone else. He had made a promise to me that we would be a much happier couple. He promised to take care of me. I wasn’t sure of what all that meant until some 3 months later.
It was actually 3 months later to the day. I had convinced myself that the only way I was going to be happy was to leave my old life behind. A lie, a great lie, one that I was investing a lot of my time and energy in trying to make it a believable truth. I realized no matter how hard I tried there was no way I could turn a lie into a truth. Despite the inner conflict I was battling daily, I was given the money from my affair partner so that I could afford an attorney, a rental home, and soon… child support. I was spinning out of control, and I was very scared of the possible outcomes. My husband was still holding onto the idea that we could still mend and be a family. He has always been the responsible one. I had told him many times during the 3-months to just move on. I didn’t understand why he would want or even consider keeping me in his life. I convinced myself daily that he hated me and that I hated him. It became part of my morning routine, drink coffee consider things I needed to do, and tell myself how much he hated me. I know that I was growing more and more unhappy with everything that had transpired in my life at this point. I literally felt like I only had two people left for me in the whole world. The only two that remained were my affair partner and my mom. My dad was still in my life, but he was only loving his daughter. Giving me his support blindly.
My personal story gets even more bleak and dark the further we dive into it.
On top of everything else I was dealing with I was put on “Paid Administrative Leave” from my job as a teacher. Since the divorce was out in the open so were a ton of our private moments. A lot of our private information was swirling about in the community. Parents were calling the Superintendent to request that their kids be removed from my classroom. I was mortified. I was broken. It had only been a year since I had won Teacher of the Year for my district, and I was now being asked to stay home. I can’t even write about this part of my life without a rush of embarrassment and shame.
The private moments that were being spread around town were actually online sexual explicit events that were archived online illegally that other people were using to make money. More simply, it was homemade porn. I had been using this as a side thing for some time and was careful not to get caught. I didn’t know what I would do if I was ever caught. It was mostly me, alone and only a few moments I included my husband. This information spread like wildfire within our small community, and social media was used to blast me by a former student’s mom. I am still in disbelief that all of my business is out there. I mean all of it.
I can tell you how I was thinking of dealing with it. I filled up a bath one night and sunk down into the warm embrace of the water as it slowly covered almost every part of my body. My head the only thing physically above the water and completely drowning in negative thoughts. The warm water felt so safe, and the thought of just slipping into a world of nonexistence felt so inviting and nonjudgmental, this thought slips into my mind. The world as I was experiencing it was spinning out of my control, flashing my failures repeatedly, and a single thought blaring from within “no one will miss you!” I was even believing that no one would even be at my funeral. The idea of letting go of the worries from my disaster of a life seemed more than appealing. I tried to inform a few folks of the darkness I had been battling. I told one of the only people I had left and he said, “that those are thoughts that most people had, and it didn’t make me crazy.” I have been in counseling since May 2017… and I knew that it wasn’t normal for a person to consider things like, suicide. The reason I couldn’t sink into that warm embrace and that weak escape, was thinking of my two babies and realizing that I had been the one causing this shit storm. I could change my life. I could somehow regain some control.
I have been on “Paid Leave” now since mid-December, 2017. I have been back in my home with my husband and family since February, 2018. I am taking this extra time now to understand more of this condition that afflicts my life. I am regaining control of my life and appreciating the positive things that happen daily. I keep a journal to log my feelings and how my mood affects my decisions.
My hope is to use my own experiences, my own battles to help others fight their affliction with BPD, and maybe help individuals to have a better understanding of their loved ones that suffer from BPD.
My fight is about staying on a path of honesty, faithfulness, and being committed to releasing my fear of abandonment and expressing my love to my family daily. Stay tuned and visit back daily to see what I am doing and focusing on to battle BPD.