I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder on October 24th, 2017.
I am a mother of two. I became a mother in 2008. I had always prayed for two kids and to be in a happy home.
I didn’t really understand the importance of the diagnosis at the time, because I was still in control of most things in my life. At the time my husband and I were working at staying together after he had discovered the most recent affair, and I was pretending everything was fine… all while still staying in contact with my affair partner. Only two weeks after my diagnosis my husband discovers my secret phone.
I had convinced myself that the only way I was going to be happy was to leave my old life behind. Despite the inner conflict I was battling daily, I was given the money from my affair partner so that I could afford an attorney, a rental home, and soon… child support. I was spiraling out of control, and I was very scared of the possible outcomes. My husband was still holding onto the idea that we could still mend and be a family. He has always been the responsible one. I didn’t understand why he would want or even consider keeping me in his life.
I convinced myself daily that he hated me and that I hated him. It became part of my morning routine, drink coffee consider things I needed to do, and tell myself how much he hated me. I know that I was growing more and more unhappy with everything that had transpired in my life at this point. I literally felt like I only had two people left for me in the whole world. The only two that remained were my affair partner and my mom. My dad was still in my life, but he was only loving his daughter. Giving me his support blindly.
I began counseling in May 2017… and I knew that it wasn’t normal for a person to consider things like, suicide. The reason I couldn’t sink into that warm embrace and that weak escape, was thinking of my two babies and realizing that I had been the one causing this shit storm. I could change my life. I could somehow regain some control. I am taking each day now to understand more of what my condition is & how that afflicts my life. I am regaining control of my life and appreciating the positive things that happen daily. I keep a journal to log my feelings and how my mood affects my decisions.
My hope is to use my own experiences, my own battles to help others fight their affliction with BPD, and maybe help individuals to have a better understanding of their loved ones that suffer from BPD.
My fight is about staying on a path of honesty, faithfulness, and being committed to releasing my fear of abandonment and expressing my love to my family daily. Stay tuned and visit back daily to see what I am doing and focusing on to battle BPD.