Friday Self-Evaluation

A question I have always had an immediate response for is “are you ok?”  I know because my answer is always one given without much thought at all.  I say “yeah!” or “Uh-huh!” I say this without really checking myself to see if I am actually doing ok.  It’s more of a reflex, really. I should be more mindful of this response when people ask, right?  I want to give them honesty.  A true response, but I just give the short, quick answer because I don’t feel that anyone wants to really hear my thoughts on if I am truly ok.  Does this say more about me, than the person asking the question?  I think so.

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I have asked people this question before, with the expectation of getting the answer I usually give… The reflexive “Yeah!” or “Uh-huh!” When I actually meet someone that wants to divulge their personal problems to me or dives in a little deeper than I am comfortable with, I usually mentally check out.  The occasional head nod and eye contact usually works incredibly well for managing a conversation without really having a conversation.  Then, I start wondering how many times have I done this to someone?  How many times has someone used this “checked out” strategy with me?  charlie-chaplin-copy-circus-white.jpg

It is very scary to be vulnerable and honest with people. I just said these words yesterday. “I have been dissecting myself for all the world to learn about this disorder.” I have no end goal for this forced transparency shown through my blog… Except to practice transparency. In hopes that being mindful and transparent one day becomes automatic. I also utilize blogging as a system of accountability and as a log to refer back to later on in life.

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To answer the question, “Are you ok?”

Yes, I have been doing ok.  I have noticed that mentally and emotionally I am not ok with my weight gain right before the summer months.  It emphasizes my need to be smaller and to look more toned and trim.  I will more than likely limit my eating or invest in a cute bathing suit cover up.  Random-Funny-Picdump61

 

I am physically drained everyday.  I feel as though I have accomplished something worthy of mentioning when I complete laundry or put the dishes away.  Lately, just making sure I have sent my son off to school with a good breakfast and a lunchbox full of food is equivalent to working a full 8 hours.  I know it doesn’t make much sense, but I feel that if I have done that than most of my work for the day is complete. The other half of the day I only need to take care of my daughter’s physical needs.  If I am having a good day, I will add a little more excitement to our day by going to different places or just letting her play outside while I lay down on the patio furniture.  These days are rare.

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I am hoping to add more to our day today.  I am resting on the couch now and it would be fine with me if someone could come in and take over for me today.  Lethargy has taken residence inside my whole being.

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I woke up at 6 am, made my son breakfast, made sure he was well equipped to tackle the day on his own and dropped him off with his baseball team for a tournament.  I then made it back home, served the baby girl breakfast and started the Keurig.  I was able to get a cup of coffee down. I still feel that I need 12 more to get to a level of “just woke up”  Does anyone else deal with this?  How does one overcome this? I want to work efficiently throughout a day, I would take one day.

So maybe I am not ok… I am realizing I need things to get me there.

on to cup #2.  Have a great day!  I will most definitely use up all of my energy, trying.

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Better Late Than Never:) Podcast Episode 4

Episode 4 —CLICK HERE—-

 

I have spent most of the day in the ER with my husband, his job takes him out into the country to shoot footage for films and he is now undergoing treatment for Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever.  Thanks to a little bitty bug that wanted to suck his blood.  It has been a day, but staying mindful and appreciating the small victories is helping me.  This podcast and completing it today is one of those victories.  Please keep my family in your prayers.  Have a blessed night!

I will try to get caught up tomorrow.

 

A Day Behind… Literature Reviews

books-education-school-literature-48126.jpegI have made it to Chapter 64 in “Choose The Life You Want”  the chapters are delicious bite-size morsels. I enjoy chewing them slowly. I know you will too!

One of my favorites up to this point is Chapter 47. The title explains a lot “Lash Out at Those Close to You -or- Respect Those Close to You.” Summed up it means one person can’t be everything. “No one is perfect, no one has it all.”

I seriously need to remind myself of this, everyday. Not just for myself, but in my dealings with those closest to me. I know that I tend to lash out on those that hold the most intimate roles in my life. “I should instead highlight the traits that I admire and appreciate. Treating the person/s with the love and respect they deserve.”

I also need to do this when dealing with myself. Not expect perfection, but appreciate the traits that I admire about myself. Finally, treating myself with love and respect.

This is a work in progress, it’s very easy for me to forgive others and move on as I expect mistakes from others. Except, I have never been so forgiving of myself. Anyone that has followed my blog has been able to read of my mistakes and short-sighted reactions to life.

I am working at focusing time and attention on important facts when faced with decisions. I have been better at controlling my impulses, after forcing myself to think it through to the end result. This change in thinking has caused me to stop purchasing items that I like that don’t fulfill a need.

This is a short post today, I have stopped reading in the other book… only until I am finished with this one. I felt I should consolidate the amount I was focusing on all at once. I have also had a little bug this week and haven’t felt like doing a whole lot.

Have a great week! BEF9E28D-95F1-4297-AA2B-A4737A1DCA5C

Sunday: A Day for the Soul… Part 4

Wow, this means that I have stuck with something on my own, without any external incentive for over a month.  I am pretty proud of myself.  I have realized a lot about myself over the past few months-  That there were definitely two things that I had lost over time which are taking time for myself then not feeling guilty, and to reflect on my own choices.  It is nice to force myself to remember these things on a daily basis. That self love and self care are a way of respecting yourself, and not a sign of being selfish. The better you care for yourself the better you will be able to take care of your loved ones.

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A Modern Day Tale ; How They Met!

 

I met him on an online rating site. (I know, how very romantic)

Checking things off the list…looking for my prince.

handsome, check

Smart, check

Tall, check

Now we just had to meet in person, right?

Is this wise, oh well! What the heck!

We meet at my work, late one night.

Easy to talk to, look at, wow! Could this be?

I will need another date, just to see.

We agree, this is something we did not expect.

We are “In Love!” How perfect!

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Thus begins the lifetime of carnival rides. 

all the unexpected surprises of life.

Not the kinds of rides that are well intended

The kinds of rides where your insides get blended

Although it’s all kind of blurry, he somehow still falls for me

We were quickly side by side, almost bound legally

but after one of you are safe within,  yes, born before we were wed.

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Do you take me to be your lawfully wedded wife?

To have and to hold, through sickness and in health?

As long as we both shall live?

He says yes,  and so do I,

You may now kiss the bride!

Don’t forget those mentioned carnival rides.

They never go away.

You’ll understand this someday.

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The twists and turns, the ups and downs that we continue to endure

Seeking now that our little family, feel stable and secure.

There are no fairy tales that warns you of this journey,

Only promises of the happily ever after glory, holy matrimony.

Never warning that some love stories may deal with disaster.

So we both continue looking for the happily ever after.

Missing out on the journey, only focused on the destination

I tried to pull the plug on our lives, twice, I turn in my resignation.

Only for it to be denied.pexels-photo-814796.jpeg

 

There are some things in fairy tales that do come true,

Prince Charming, is the person that can see right through you.

Your daddy rescued me, he rescued all of us,

I was spinning around on one of those rides,

and your daddy stayed much stronger than I

He looked deep inside himself, and held us together.

He says he will love all of us forever.

Don’t forget those carnival rides.

They never go away.

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So remember our love story, even the parts that aren’t so sweet.

The moments we learn from, the people we meet.

Don’t look to Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, or Snow White

They have never really lived any sort of life.

I am sure in some fairy tale land, far far away

They live happily to this very day

They only miss out on the journey

and all of the moments are what is necessary

to remind us of what makes us happy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

#Self Help Saturday- Happiness, Not For Sale!

The idea that “happiness” can be purchased, is what teams of advertisers want all consumers to believe.  Once we buy into that idea, the credit card companies jump on board to continue this false hope by allowing consumers the means to purchase more and more in order to eventually purchase happiness.

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I just did a google search for the word, “minimalism” my search was not birthed from my imagination.  I actually watched a documentary about “Minimalism” last night while enjoying dinner. Minimalism, would be  a complete lifestyle overhaul; one that only allows those things that are necessary for survival, or brings the person absolute joy.

pexels-photo-271722.jpegIt doesn’t mean that everything is absolutely bare, just the minimal amount necessary to live

As I have been studying myself, searching for who I am. Like an old gold-panner sifting through sand and rock searching for multi-sized, valuable gold nuggets.  I am finding my own nuggets.  All varying in size and value; I am realizing my beliefs, understanding the origins of my automatic thoughts, both negative and positive. I have also discovered that I choose my actions… While I have been busy panning for the gold nuggets internally, I have been sifting through the family dwelling, questioning the purpose of numerous bits of clothing and household items that only offer clutter.  The house is coming along and taking on a whole new feel.  My life is becoming more of what I want it to be. Intentional and full of purpose.  Happiness can be gift wrapped and placed inside shopping bags, but the happiness you thought you bought fades before the credit card bill even arrives in the mail.  A temporary good feeling, is not true happiness.  It is only a momentary high, a feeling someone can get from the hunt of a good bargain or obtaining a quality product that very few can afford.  So can true happiness be found in an exclusive brand or rummaging through the clearance aisle and the filling of a shopping cart?

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Or will it actually take removing all of those things, you once just had to have, before finding that lasting happiness we all so desperately seek?  Maybe we all have just been burying our own happiness.  Covering it all up with things, because society has amplified our needs to be more and have more.  I think I will start taking it upon myself to sell this idea… “You are enough, you are beautifully made and intricately designed to just be you. ”

I have been reading books on being mindful, and some of the useful bits I have found today say that we should try to appreciate what is around us, and to sit silently and meditate to find creativity awakened and to have energy levels replenished.  Find a natural setting that invites you to listen to the silence. Last step, just listen.

I think I am dealing with insomnia now, its 2 am and I need to be awake early tomorrow to be baseball mom for my son and fun mom for my lil girl.  I will try to lay down now to catch some shut eye.

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Good night all, and search yourself for that hidden happiness, it will be discovered for all of us I pray

 

 

Podcast #3 and My Self-Evaluation

 

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2 cups Podcast: Episode 3

 

I did notice today that I may in fact need friends for emotional support. I think I can handle a small circle of friends.  It was nice to see that she was doing so well.  I loved hearing about her sister, and the success she is finding in her young life.  I was sad to hear that her mom and dad are no longer with us.  It is crazy how easily we could talk about anything and everything.  It was like we hadn’t experienced any time apart.  I really enjoyed sharing the newly found self-awareness, I have recently experienced.  To hear that she had been making it through her own struggles made me aware of her strength.  She says to me, “Isn’t it crazy that life doesn’t ever turn out how you think it will?”  I replied with a nod of the head… “So true!” I am understanding now we all need friends, good friends, to make it through this thing called life.coffee

I have put so much pressure on my better-half, he has to be almost everything for me.  I know now that this amount of pressure on a person can’t be healthy, even though he has been doing an amazing job of getting me through these past couple of months since accepting my diagnosis.  I realize one person can’t be another person’s everything.  It is not healthy.  If you love the other person you wouldn’t want to put that amount of pressure on them, right?

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A friend that I have had since Junior High came to visit with her two babies today, and has always been a person I have never had to be false around.  She was one of the only people ever invited over to the run-down,  trailer house we called home.  It was refreshing to hear that she felt I was never dishonest around her.  I was like… “Yeah, but there are several ways I was being dishonest.  I would wear masks, and mirror individuals, and was deceiving myself.”  Luckily, she knows where I come from, she knows my heart and knows I have the ability to be brutally honest.  She had seen so much from me over the years, I could see that this was a little hard for her to believe now.  I love my friend, it felt nice to catch up, and I am truly thankful that she was there for me as a kid, and has reminded me that she is still here for me now.  Thank you!

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Ok, so who else wants to join my exclusive circle of friends…  I have room for about 3 more, maybe?

Tell a friend that they are the reason you smiled today.  I bet it will make them smile too!

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Podcast #3 (coming soon)

pexels-photo-280345.jpegMy weekly schedule a little out of whack. getting back on track today. I may only have a few listeners out there among millions, but this commitment is really about me & my recovery. Learning to do what I say I will do is vital for my recovery.

Everyone say a quick prayer today. We all shall persevere!

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