I skipped the podcast this week, as I have had a bit of a stressful week. Dealing with things that I have been anxious over for several months. If you read my bio, you are aware of all the things that have happened in my life since the end of 2017 and the start of 2018. I have dealt with almost losing my family, my job, my sanity. I have done my very best to prevent all of those things from happening, and I am happy to report that I have my family and although it requires a great deal of work, it is work I am happy and willing to do. I had a meeting with my school and they are going to keep me. It will be a slight change of assignment, but just the fact that they didn’t want to lose me made me so excited for the new assignment. I welcome the change whole heartedly. I will describe more when I have been given the green light to announce it to the world. I am ecstatic about the progress I have been making and while my sanity is still in question, I am taking back control of my life.
I have been awake since 3:00 am and woke just to use the restroom. I feel I wake at this time almost every night. If it isn’t 3:00 am, it is 4:00 am. I guess that is a sign that I am getting older. I remember the days when I could sleep through the night. This also never happened before being prescribed anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety meds. Does anyone else see these changes?
I just spoke with my best friend on the phone yesterday and she is such an amazing friend. She was heading down my way and wanted to stop by after she was finished attending a wedding. I loved that she called me to tell me. I was not feeling too hot yesterday after the meeting and after my son’s ballgame. A headache continued to keep me off my feet most of the day and night. I think it was brought on by stress, but could have been anything really. My friend and I have known each other for over 20 years. That doesn’t seem possible, but it is true. She has always been a ton of fun to have around. She has one of the most AMAZING laughs, and has a great sense of humor. I could always be myself around this girl. We have had so many adventures together. She is now a mommy too. She adopted a son, who is absolutely adorable and smart as a whip. She works hard and has plenty to show for it, I am very proud of her.
During our conversation, she said that she had listened to my podcast and thought that it sounded a bit like I was taking all the blame for the decline of my marriage. She asked, “does Brad take any responsibility?” I could feel my immediate defense starting to rise, and wanted to immediately agree with her and say “not really!” The truth is, he has taken responsibility, but more than just declaring how he could have done things differently. He is still taking responsibility with every sincere apology and by learning how to best deal with someone that has BPD. If I have learned anything throughout this whole process, the important thing isn’t that you point out who is to blame, it is to stay focused on the journey and your mutual destination. I am not here to blame him, what would that change? Nothing.
Brad and I had a discussion when he got home from work, he had a load of mixed emotions when hearing the news that I was still employed with the school. I could tell something was bothering him almost immediately, but I was trying to avoid any confrontation. For 1, I had a headache lingering, and 2, I wanted to feel good about myself for longer than an hour. I wanted to soak in it for the rest of the night. I understand that sometimes we don’t get what we want in a relationship. It is that give and take, right? He was overwhelmed by the costs of the divorce that we halted. I asked him to look at it in a different way. I said, “don’t look at it as money down the drain, look at it as money spent to get us to a higher level of understanding each other and on to a better relationship.” He replied, “easy for you to say!” He is right, it was easy for me to say. I didn’t want to bear the load of guilt and blame that comes with such a high price tag. He was also a bit bothered that I would still be an educator. Where we live educators aren’t paid very well. He was hoping for a better paying job so that I could help out more with finances. I do want to help out more with finances, but a school schedule allows me so many other things that a higher paying job may not offer and these are things that I need. I need to be off work when the kids are out of school. I need to be able to drop them off in the mornings and pick them up after school.
(My babies pictured above… Circa 2014)
I need to be able to be a mom first and an employee second.
This job although still a difficult job works best for those priorities. Those priorities may change for me once the kids are older and taking care of most of these things on their own, but for now it seems more suited to my priorities. I just didn’t even battle this point, I only said ” I am just happy to have a job, and one that is so close to home.”
We can control ourselves and that is exactly what I will continue to work on. It is a bit more work to try to regulate my emotions when feeling criticized, or confronted… but I am gaining patience as well as a better understanding of human emotions.
Mondays are typically my non-writing day. A day of so called “research” or rather a day of scrounging up a few edible bits to chew on for later use. My Monday looks similar to what a day of being stranded on a deserted island might look like to most.
The cast away (me) is left starving after surviving off a diet of pure coconut and decides not to eat another flake of the milky white insides of this deceiving nut. The castaway desperately seeks an alternate food source.
searching high and low for a bit more insight on BPD.
I wanted to find something more noteworthy than just a fact feeding video (the coconut).
Ok, that was only what I did today, I normally just live life on Mondays without scrounging for topics, but I was in the mood to do a little research today. It was a long day of trying to understand myself better. Looking for something that might spark my interest or provoke some deep form of thinking that I could translate into a relatable topic. I was just browsing through loads of videos on YouTube.
The only connection of all videos were of course those three little letters in the title; BPD. Not true, there were blatant similarities. One common similarity is the definition of borderline. People usually spout that off in every intro. Which is fantastic, because if I had not been diagnosed with this disorder, I would not know of its existence.
Most people making these videos give great information and are armed with many facts that address BPD. I have learned the differences between a classic borderline and a quiet borderline. I have learned that psychiatrists are more inclined to deny treatment of borderline patients. I have learned that I have a lot of similar mannerisms to other exposed “virtual” borderlines. I also found myself sucked into the rabbit hole and also having a faint desire to meet with these people and help them and in turn learn more about myself.
A doctor and professor from Yale University speaking on one of the videos I managed to come across today explained a great example of what the difference is between someone living with BPD compared to someone that isn’t.
the solid black line represents the working mind of a non-bpd brain. _________________________________________________
the line below represents the working mind of an individual with BPD.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
I think this is a great example. It is actually a viable and simple way that may be helpful to others when they try to imagine the differences. I can still work normally most of the time, it just requires a little bit more work and mindfulness when I hit the moments that I am not a solid line.
I am letting a few other things that I found marinate until the podcast on Wednesday. I appreciate you taking the time to read the words I feel compelled to share. Have a wonderful day.
side note- Technically it is Tuesday, so I am not posting on Monday.
Motherhood-(My personal experience)
My days spent pregnant can best be described
as unpredictable and full of surprise.
Each pregnancy lasting approximately 40 weeks.
Why can’t this pregnancy stuff just be a breeze?
A rare condition is discovered that only 2% of women experience
Hyperemesis Gravidarum – nausea with a vengeance
Needing meds for 9 months, to keep all of my food down,
And to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground.
I couldn’t wait for the sick feelings to subside
And to meet the little being that had been hitching a ride.
“Breathe, breathe… Push, push, good, once more! Here he is, your little boy!”
The hard work done for now, the rush of overwhelming joy.
How little I knew about being a mommy
No time for excuses, let’s get to the O. J. T.
The second you hold them safely in your arms
knowing that one of your duties now is to keep them from harm
Six years of raising an amazing big bro
welcome your sister to the big show
The tears you shed during this emotional moment
adoring both of the angels that Heaven has sent
There is no one that will love you two the way that I do
Never worry my angels, mommy’s love is big enough for both of you
There is nothing I am more proud of than being your mommy.
Thankful for a chance to celebrate this beautiful day with both of you in 2018.
For as long as I can remember I have been a nail biter. I even have a picture somewhere that shows me biting my toenails. Before you begin to judge, I was only 2 years old. At that age it wasn’t gross to me. I will say it now, though… GROSS!!! And instead of my family stopping me, they only stopped to make it a Kodak moment. I am sitting there in some very tight fitting, 80’s styled toddler outfit, looking like some sort of chunky albino monkey chewing on my toes, bearing a huge grin on my face. Thanks mom or grandma, whomever is to blame for the evidence we now have of my intense nail biting. This habit was obviously a self-soothing method to cope with my nervousness. Instead of sucking my thumb, I found relief in chewing up my nails. I just recently discovered that this is something that people with BPD suffer from as well. (Article attached at the end of blog.) They are also classifying people that bite their nails habitually and harmfully as OCD, labeling these individuals as having a diagnosable mental disorder.
I have had several people give their best efforts to keep me from biting my nails, the jalapeno sauce on the fingernails, and one of my aunts went as far as even trying to bribe away my bad habit. She would say that if I could grow my nails she would pay me some hard, cold cash each time I would go to visit her with longer nails. I was unable to grow them at that age. Life for me at that time was far to nerve racking. I do feel that I learned to chew my nails during intense moments to help ease my anxiety. And then it became a horrible habit that until now I felt I was unable to break.
I can remember spending loads of money getting fake nails, and feeling better about myself almost the instant my nails were done. How does a little bit of powder, gel and polish change the way I feel about myself? I know that how we feel about ourselves on the outside can affect our mental state. It can cause serious issues. What could possibly be enhanced by fake nails? Why stop there, why fake lashes, fake breasts, fake tan, makeup even. Falsifying who we are on the outside to make ourselves feel better on the inside. Personally, the idea that I could apply beautiful nails hid the fact that I had a horrible habit of biting my nails. It also concealed my failure with my battle of being a nervous and insecure person. The fake nails hid those real parts of me. I loved fake nails, and I would even pick out the polish by the name… It had to match my mood or the persona I wanted to exude.
I am happy to announce that my addiction to fake nails has since been rehabilitated and I have beaten my nail biting nervous habit. I am now actually growing nails, and I can’t tell you how this small & unimportant physical feature actually empowers me. I feel like this is something I have battled since the age of 2. I had always felt that I wouldn’t be able to beat this habit. Making the once impossible idea of beating this bad habit, now very possible. The major change for me that has helped me beat this habits was first simply asking myself what it is I want? Giving myself time throughout the day to care for myself. Making my mind up to be more present, to be engaged more often and less time checked out. I could spend hours adrift in my thoughts, before practicing mindfulness. I check in with reality a lot more regularly now. Being more intentional with my actions, and with the way I want to treat myself and others. I don’t live in a fantasy world, and I know I create what is happening in my life, and that I am in control of what happens with my body. Starting with growing long, beautiful nails. This is just the beginning of being 100 % real.
Now if I could just kick my habit of Snapchat filters… I would be all real all the time. LOL!
Happy Mother’s Day to all the super hero moms out there that do their very best for their kids! Every day isn’t always easy, but they are all definitely worth it.
I am nearly finished reading this book. It has provided a lot of useful information. I am happy to have found it available at my local library. So a choice piece of literature for free. Bonus! And for a person that hasn’t been able to complete a book in a very long time I am feeling very good about including one of my old cherished past times of reading back into my daily routine. That word “routine” seems funny for me to even write. I have very few things that are routine. However, I seldom perform these “routine” tasks at the same times each day. Is it still considered a routine? The definition describes it as a “fixed program.” One fixed program that I must stick to is making a cup of coffee in the morning. Each morning a wonderful little invention called a Keurig creates a bit of magic in my kitchen. It dispenses a perfectly made cup of motivation. I don’t know what I would be without it… probably still asleep. 🙂 Thank you Keurig manufacturers.
On to the highlights of the book. I get carried away sometimes with my thoughts. It is my inevitable “squirrel” moments.
Chapter 88 is a chapter every living, breathing person should read. And possibly revisit several times throughout their lifetime. The title says all that needs to be said, “Experience your mistakes as catastrophes -or- Treat your mistakes as valuable feedback” As a teacher it was very easy for me to remind my students that mistakes were part of the learning process. Inventors do this and learn from their mistakes. We know that mistakes are inevitable. The fact is no one is without their faults… The trick here is to find the value of every mistake made. Remember the lesson that you learned from your mistakes and then avoid making the same mistake again. Consequences are valuable teaching tools, but they aren’t nuclear bombs. You can LIVE and LEARN and continue LIVING. If we were meant to learn without mistakes, erasers would not exist.
One of the final statements made in the book is this, “Choice unleashes the potential within each moment. As you become MINDFUL of the potential within this moment your life gains momentum, becomes momentous. When a moment matters, LIFE MATTERS.” I really hope to remember the meaning of this statement for the rest of my days. We are the directors of our lives, each and every day plays out the way we choose it to. For the longest time I have always told myself that someone else was in charge or controlling parts of my life and this would always stifle my personal growth. I now take responsibilities for myself and my decisions, staying mindful of this will help me continue with making progress.
Have a wonderful day being in charge of your life!
Pink bunches of balloons with pink ribbons that curl
Another year celebrating our epic little girl.
Year one is full of small giggles & coos.
We learn that you love to play peek-a-boo!
Blonde hair and blue eyes, aggressive and strong
How did we ever get a child that’s blonde?
Year two, sniffles and doctors, tissues and shots
Lots of dresses, shoes & toys man oh man do I mean LOTS!
You are talking and singing and finding out your likes.
it won’t be long now until you’re riding a bike.
Year three flew by for all of us, I think
you have grown so much and now I don’t want to blink.
You have so much love and such a crazy imagination
I never knew God could make such a beautiful creation.
Mommy and daddy are Oh, so proud of you!
It seems like only yesterday that you were turning two.
Year four we aren’t ready, but we will smile anyway
Loving you baby boog always… Happy Birthday!
A question I have always had an immediate response for is “are you ok?” I know because my answer is always one given without much thought at all. I say “yeah!” or “Uh-huh!” I say this without really checking myself to see if I am actually doing ok. It’s more of a reflex, really. I should be more mindful of this response when people ask, right? I want to give them honesty. A true response, but I just give the short, quick answer because I don’t feel that anyone wants to really hear my thoughts on if I am truly ok. Does this say more about me, than the person asking the question? I think so.
I have asked people this question before, with the expectation of getting the answer I usually give… The reflexive “Yeah!” or “Uh-huh!” When I actually meet someone that wants to divulge their personal problems to me or dives in a little deeper than I am comfortable with, I usually mentally check out. The occasional head nod and eye contact usually works incredibly well for managing a conversation without really having a conversation. Then, I start wondering how many times have I done this to someone? How many times has someone used this “checked out” strategy with me?
It is very scary to be vulnerable and honest with people. I just said these words yesterday. “I have been dissecting myself for all the world to learn about this disorder.” I have no end goal for this forced transparency shown through my blog… Except to practice transparency. In hopes that being mindful and transparent one day becomes automatic. I also utilize blogging as a system of accountability and as a log to refer back to later on in life.
To answer the question, “Are you ok?”
Yes, I have been doing ok. I have noticed that mentally and emotionally I am not ok with my weight gain right before the summer months. It emphasizes my need to be smaller and to look more toned and trim. I will more than likely limit my eating or invest in a cute bathing suit cover up.
I am physically drained everyday. I feel as though I have accomplished something worthy of mentioning when I complete laundry or put the dishes away. Lately, just making sure I have sent my son off to school with a good breakfast and a lunchbox full of food is equivalent to working a full 8 hours. I know it doesn’t make much sense, but I feel that if I have done that than most of my work for the day is complete. The other half of the day I only need to take care of my daughter’s physical needs. If I am having a good day, I will add a little more excitement to our day by going to different places or just letting her play outside while I lay down on the patio furniture. These days are rare.
I am hoping to add more to our day today. I am resting on the couch now and it would be fine with me if someone could come in and take over for me today. Lethargy has taken residence inside my whole being.
I woke up at 6 am, made my son breakfast, made sure he was well equipped to tackle the day on his own and dropped him off with his baseball team for a tournament. I then made it back home, served the baby girl breakfast and started the Keurig. I was able to get a cup of coffee down. I still feel that I need 12 more to get to a level of “just woke up” Does anyone else deal with this? How does one overcome this? I want to work efficiently throughout a day, I would take one day.
So maybe I am not ok… I am realizing I need things to get me there.
on to cup #2. Have a great day! I will most definitely use up all of my energy, trying.
I have spent most of the day in the ER with my husband, his job takes him out into the country to shoot footage for films and he is now undergoing treatment for Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Thanks to a little bitty bug that wanted to suck his blood. It has been a day, but staying mindful and appreciating the small victories is helping me. This podcast and completing it today is one of those victories. Please keep my family in your prayers. Have a blessed night!
I will try to get caught up tomorrow.
I have made it to Chapter 64 in “Choose The Life You Want” the chapters are delicious bite-size morsels. I enjoy chewing them slowly. I know you will too!
One of my favorites up to this point is Chapter 47. The title explains a lot “Lash Out at Those Close to You -or- Respect Those Close to You.” Summed up it means one person can’t be everything. “No one is perfect, no one has it all.”
I seriously need to remind myself of this, everyday. Not just for myself, but in my dealings with those closest to me. I know that I tend to lash out on those that hold the most intimate roles in my life. “I should instead highlight the traits that I admire and appreciate. Treating the person/s with the love and respect they deserve.”
I also need to do this when dealing with myself. Not expect perfection, but appreciate the traits that I admire about myself. Finally, treating myself with love and respect.
This is a work in progress, it’s very easy for me to forgive others and move on as I expect mistakes from others. Except, I have never been so forgiving of myself. Anyone that has followed my blog has been able to read of my mistakes and short-sighted reactions to life.
I am working at focusing time and attention on important facts when faced with decisions. I have been better at controlling my impulses, after forcing myself to think it through to the end result. This change in thinking has caused me to stop purchasing items that I like that don’t fulfill a need.
This is a short post today, I have stopped reading in the other book… only until I am finished with this one. I felt I should consolidate the amount I was focusing on all at once. I have also had a little bug this week and haven’t felt like doing a whole lot.
Have a great week!
Wow, this means that I have stuck with something on my own, without any external incentive for over a month. I am pretty proud of myself. I have realized a lot about myself over the past few months- That there were definitely two things that I had lost over time which are taking time for myself then not feeling guilty, and to reflect on my own choices. It is nice to force myself to remember these things on a daily basis. That self love and self care are a way of respecting yourself, and not a sign of being selfish. The better you care for yourself the better you will be able to take care of your loved ones.
A Modern Day Tale ; How They Met!
I met him on an online rating site. (I know, how very romantic)
Checking things off the list…looking for my prince.
Now we just had to meet in person, right?
Is this wise, oh well! What the heck!
We meet at my work, late one night.
Easy to talk to, look at, wow! Could this be?
I will need another date, just to see.
We agree, this is something we did not expect.
We are “In Love!” How perfect!
Thus begins the lifetime of carnival rides.
all the unexpected surprises of life.
Not the kinds of rides that are well intended
The kinds of rides where your insides get blended
Although it’s all kind of blurry, he somehow still falls for me
We were quickly side by side, almost bound legally
but after one of you are safe within, yes, born before we were wed.
Do you take me to be your lawfully wedded wife?
To have and to hold, through sickness and in health?
As long as we both shall live?
He says yes, and so do I,
You may now kiss the bride!
Don’t forget those mentioned carnival rides.
They never go away.
You’ll understand this someday.
The twists and turns, the ups and downs that we continue to endure
Seeking now that our little family, feel stable and secure.
There are no fairy tales that warns you of this journey,
Only promises of the happily ever after glory, holy matrimony.
Never warning that some love stories may deal with disaster.
So we both continue looking for the happily ever after.
Missing out on the journey, only focused on the destination
I tried to pull the plug on our lives, twice, I turn in my resignation.
Only for it to be denied.
There are some things in fairy tales that do come true,
Prince Charming, is the person that can see right through you.
Your daddy rescued me, he rescued all of us,
I was spinning around on one of those rides,
and your daddy stayed much stronger than I
He looked deep inside himself, and held us together.
He says he will love all of us forever.
Don’t forget those carnival rides.
They never go away.
So remember our love story, even the parts that aren’t so sweet.
The moments we learn from, the people we meet.
Don’t look to Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, or Snow White
They have never really lived any sort of life.
I am sure in some fairy tale land, far far away
They live happily to this very day
They only miss out on the journey
and all of the moments are what is necessary
to remind us of what makes us happy!
The idea that “happiness” can be purchased, is what teams of advertisers want all consumers to believe. Once we buy into that idea, the credit card companies jump on board to continue this false hope by allowing consumers the means to purchase more and more in order to eventually purchase happiness.
I just did a google search for the word, “minimalism” my search was not birthed from my imagination. I actually watched a documentary about “Minimalism” last night while enjoying dinner. Minimalism, would be a complete lifestyle overhaul; one that only allows those things that are necessary for survival, or brings the person absolute joy.
It doesn’t mean that everything is absolutely bare, just the minimal amount necessary to live
As I have been studying myself, searching for who I am. Like an old gold-panner sifting through sand and rock searching for multi-sized, valuable gold nuggets. I am finding my own nuggets. All varying in size and value; I am realizing my beliefs, understanding the origins of my automatic thoughts, both negative and positive. I have also discovered that I choose my actions… While I have been busy panning for the gold nuggets internally, I have been sifting through the family dwelling, questioning the purpose of numerous bits of clothing and household items that only offer clutter. The house is coming along and taking on a whole new feel. My life is becoming more of what I want it to be. Intentional and full of purpose. Happiness can be gift wrapped and placed inside shopping bags, but the happiness you thought you bought fades before the credit card bill even arrives in the mail. A temporary good feeling, is not true happiness. It is only a momentary high, a feeling someone can get from the hunt of a good bargain or obtaining a quality product that very few can afford. So can true happiness be found in an exclusive brand or rummaging through the clearance aisle and the filling of a shopping cart?
Or will it actually take removing all of those things, you once just had to have, before finding that lasting happiness we all so desperately seek? Maybe we all have just been burying our own happiness. Covering it all up with things, because society has amplified our needs to be more and have more. I think I will start taking it upon myself to sell this idea… “You are enough, you are beautifully made and intricately designed to just be you. ”
I have been reading books on being mindful, and some of the useful bits I have found today say that we should try to appreciate what is around us, and to sit silently and meditate to find creativity awakened and to have energy levels replenished. Find a natural setting that invites you to listen to the silence. Last step, just listen.
I think I am dealing with insomnia now, its 2 am and I need to be awake early tomorrow to be baseball mom for my son and fun mom for my lil girl. I will try to lay down now to catch some shut eye.
Good night all, and search yourself for that hidden happiness, it will be discovered for all of us I pray