Season 1 Episode 4

Season 1 Episode 4

listen to the podcast below

https://anchor.fm/michelle-clonch/episodes/Lightning-Tree-e1p8ohj

“ Lightning Tree”

Intro: Hello and welcome to “The World in Black and White”My name is Michelle and I’m the narrator and creator of this podcast.

Vision for the podcast:My hope is that this podcast will bring hope to all individuals that may be overwhelmed by the challenges mental illness creates when trying to navigate life in a positive and successful way. I hope to help others by teaching forgiveness and self-awareness.

ALRIGHT… Thanks for joining me today, our TOPIC is SPLITTING & this will be a two part,this is part 1 (PART 1) 

I have discovered that there are many parts to this topic, so I am breaking it down into smaller morsels; bite-sized bits of information are sometimes easier to understand and retain. Today we will go into the definition of splitting and dive into why BPD persons feel the need to use this and other defense mechanisms in order to survive their daily life. . 

I do love to start with definitions and force myself to truly understand the definition before advancing into further discussion on the topic. So here is the definition of splitting. 

Borderline Personality Disorder (splitting) *I jacked this from Verywellmind.com

Splitting is considered a defense mechanism, by which people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) can view people, events, or even themselves in all or nothing terms. Splitting allows them to readily discard things they have assigned as “bad” and to embrace things they consider “good,” even if those things are harmful or risky.

So what I am hearing in this definition is that a person with BPD may always be on the defense.  So let us look into what a defense mechanism actually is? Why does the person with BPD need to rely on defense mechanisms so often? So the question we must answer first is, what are defense mechanisms?

Here is a chart of 12 defense mechanisms according to Sigmund Freud. //

According to Medical News Today, and mostly just regurgitating other medical journal information into my own loosely constructed definition, an individual presenting healthy defense mechanisms can show normal development, so people use defense mechanisms naturally, it’s human. And although the BPD may utilize healthy defense mechanisms, it is more common to see them intuitively fall back into the use of unhealthy defense mechanisms. I believe this happens because the BPD brain gets stuck when faced with high levels of stress, it’s like the brain we can compare it to an engine that is idling and when an event occurs it begins revving and revving but not shifting into any productive gear, the brain of the bpd is simply trying to keep the engine running, and it does this from a primal place, not from an evil place.  Having lived on both sides ( a daughter of a person with BPD and having caused trauma to my own family) I have witnessed the destructive nature of the BPD person. I understand the way a BPD can struggle to gain control of their own actions when encountering highly stressful events. I guess I should talk a moment to discuss what I mean about highly stressful events.  We aren’t talking about one single event.  The person with BPD more than likely hangs onto every bad act of rejection or slight someone has made the BPD feel.  When that “emotional bank of bad” gets full, the BPD tries to either escape it by using easy to activate defense mechanisms, which for the BPD feels like an innate and natural response.  If they can’t escape the pain they may try to ignore the pain, or substitute the pain with something that makes them feel good, finding an effective  high.  I’m not talking about drug use or drinking, I’m talking about something that makes them feel better.  It could be shopping too much, it could be exercising too much.  I’m telling you it could be a list of things.  When the stress hormone is released (or the engine is revved)  the brain reverts to a particular pattern of thinking that relies on certain defense mechanisms. (I also feel dissociation occurs simultaneously at this point, and the BPD goes into survival mode- auto-pilot) they are not particularly interested in providing realistic solutions, they are only interested in staying alive and feeling good about their decision to survive.  So for the BPD to save the brain from actually dwelling on an uncomfortable event it may automatically find a defense mechanism that has been effective during past traumatic events. 

I said I wanted this podcast to be about finding forgiveness and peace, I do hope that we are able to find that for both the person that has survived the destructive consequences of a borderline, and also for the Borderline. 

  Ok so this is for the borderline listener, are you aware of the defense mechanisms your brain naturally resorts to when confronted with high stress situations? Have you asked yourself why your brain keeps reverting to a specific defense mechanism? What defense mechanisms are you naturally inclined to use when times get more stressful than normal? If you don’t have the slightest clue what defense mechanisms your brain resorts to… Maybe you could check out this quiz.  I took mine.  

I took a quiz to see what defense mechanisms I use.  That quiz can be found at 

Defense Mechanisms: Test Your Unconscious Coping Techniques | Psychologia

Here are my results.

Your scores for each defense mechanism can be found below. The higher the score, the more you use it.

Regression: 80

Displacement: 30

Denial: 10

Repression: 40

Intellectualization: 10

Reaction formation: 30

Projection: 20

Compensation: 30

Alright here is our BYTE OF INSIGHT  

The BPD person must ask themselves what they are defending themselves from? Is this physical or emotional pain? If it is physical pain, remove that toxicity from your life, no one deserves to be beaten.  If it is emotional pain, is it perceived emotional pain or is someone seriously beating you down with a psychological wrecking ball. Both aspects of abuse have to be taken care of.  I have begun to reign in the things that I felt weren’t producing a healthy environment.  I know that BPD is considered a brain disorder now, but maybe some people are just not good for your emotional health.  You let them know that they upset your peace by communicating your feelings in the moment.  It is ok to be honest with others about the anxiety and distress you go through during their toxic unloading.  If they don’t understand or appreciate this they will naturally eliminate themselves from your life.  You don’t need to be pleasing to be loved.  I suffer from that same belief and have most of my life.  You can disagree with people and have your own way about you and those that truly appreciate who you are will still be there for you no matter what and those that find you aren’t meeting their emotional supply anymore can find the door.  I feel it is healthier and more peaceful to approach this as a journey of seeking peace and forgiveness now rather than battling something I honestly can’t stand about myself.  I was created like this for a purpose and at some point in my life I hope to achieve that purpose but I know that both physical and emotional abuse exist, don’t agree to it for your life.  You deserve peace.  I am trying to establish peace  in my life by establishing better boundaries and not subjecting myself to that type of environment.  I have to literally tell myself “you deserve a good & healthy space.  And honey, You don’t have to fight so hard to survive. Remember to breathe and also take in these moments, they are the only ones we get.”

Lightning Tree POEM

Weekly Challenge- Last week we were challenged to get back in touch with someone you have lost contact with.  This week.  you should take the defense mechanism quiz to see what defense mechanism you naturally rely upon and we will look into the 2nd part of BPD and splitting next week.

Season1 Episode 3: Poorly Constructed Play

Listen to the podcast here: https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/I80RqYPbvub

Intro: Hello and welcome to “The World in Black and White”My name is Michelle and I’m the narrator and creator of this podcast.

Vision for the podcast:My hope is that this podcast will bring hope to all individuals that may be overwhelmed by the challenges mental illness creates when trying to navigate life in a positive and successful way. I hope to help others by teaching forgiveness and self-awareness.

What causes BPD?

There is not one single cause that produces BPD in an individual; it is a combination of factors that most people who suffer from BPD have little to no control over.  The first factor is genetics.  One or both of your parents can pass down this disorder, and you would not be aware that your parents suffered with this disorder, if it was not necessary for them to see a mental health professional.  The possibility of passing this disorder on to your children is approximately 46%, according to recent medical studies.  This disorder is now being described as a brain disorder, the problems experienced by the BPD individual are a direct result of the neurotransmitters in the brain. www.NHS.UK “The neurotransmitters are messenger chemicals that transmit signals between brain cells.  Altered levels of serotonin have been linked to depression, aggression, and difficulty controlling destructive urges.”  The study revealed that many people with BPD show that 3 parts of the brain were either smaller than usual or had unusual levels of activity. 

*Amygdala

*Hippocampus

*Orbitofrontal Cortex

Photo by Markus Winkler on Pexels.com

I am currently seeking a doctor that will do my  MRI imaging to help explain what is going on with my brain. The company I am currently looking into is the AMEN CLINIC, they have a facility not too far from me, so that may be what I endure next to try and fight this disorder.  This will not be cheap, apparently they don’t accept insurance and the entire package will be over $5,000.  I do feel that it will be worth it.  

I think it is important to note some of the recent emotions and internal struggles I have been dealing with lately.  I have been experiencing depression more frequently as well as memory loss, low self esteem (more than usual) experiencing major fear of being abandoned, higher anxiety and overall fatigue.  I was hoping to grow out of this, but I guess if it is truly a brain disorder it will not matter how much I want it gone, it returns.  So I suppose, it is not something I will just grow out of.    

This audio clip was recorded on October 27th around 12:00 cst.  [VOICE RECORDING 10/27/2022]

Environmental factors that must be figured into the equation, might be any of the following:

Victim of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse

Exposed to long term fear or distress

Neglect by one or both parents

Growing up with another family member who had a serious mental health condition, such as bipolar disorder or a drink or drug misuse problem.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

Unresolved fear, anger and distress from childhood can lead to a variety of “distorted adult thinking patterns” such as

Idealizing others ( you might regard someone as perfect or put them on a pedestal.)

Expecting others to parent you. ( ex. My husband has said at times he feels he is raising a teenager, when dealing with me.)

Expecting others to bully you. ( I have social anxiety, because I catastrophize social interactions, and have canceled on many friends, because I make myself believe that they don’t actually want to hang out with me, but just feel sorry for me.)

Behaving as if other people are adults and you are not. ( At work this has forced me to play the role of the adult in the room, but in other areas of my life I see this aspect of the disorder play out.) 

There is an unpredictability from me in any relationship, I either want you or I want you to leave me alone. It’s this “go away/ please don’t go” attitude.  I wish I was better at controlling this. 

Black and white thinking (dichotomous) the world for BPD is either all perfect or all terrible.  This distorted thinking leads to splitting, and that will be the topic for next week so tune in. 

Byte of Insight: Borderline’s do not like the difficulties they experience.  They don’t want to be alone, it is one of their greatest fears.  The brain is a complex organ and controls our actions.  The person suffering from BPD is the puppet while the chemicals in the brain are the puppet master.  I know that people with apparent brain disorders would most likely be forgiven for their mistakes, but a person suffering from BPD can be high functioning, intelligent, compassionate, competitive, and lovable people.  They are just highly reactive to their environment and at the mercy of their mind that doesn’t function normally.  This shouldn’t be an excuse, but a way to conceptualize the problems brought on by BPD.  I have often felt like my actions weren’t mine when looking back at some of the self destructive things I have done in the past.  I have owned up to them to step into my truth, but at least now I see that I had little control over my actions then.  I wasn’t educated on the depths of this disorder.  After working a great deal on self awareness I have become better at monitoring myself and my impulses.  I still shop too much, but my boss said, you are a woman… that is expected! 🙂  

Challenge for the week: I tried to focus on three things and I wish it would have helped my brain this week and at times I feel it did.  I noticed at the moments were I made myself get up and do some sort of activity it raised me from a lower state.  If you start feeling really sad, do some sort of physical activity.  This will help your brain by releasing endorphins, and it may just be exactly what you need. I listened to my favorite music/sounds which currently are binaural beats.  And my favorite sight has been talking and actively listening to my kids when they tell me things about their day.  My daughter is quite imaginative and my son has a heart of gold.  Enjoy those you have been blessed to guide and look after.  This week was really a hard week for me dealing with my mental and emotional state and other family things, but my hope remains to get rid of these issues.  I want our challenge for this week to be reach out to an old friend.  Let them know that you think of them often or maybe even reconcile with someone you have lost contact with, and wish you hadn’t. I do know that maintaining relationships is one of the most difficult things from the person dealing with BPD.    

When we begin to unravel this disorder we will be able to locate who we really are and I think this gives us a good starting point.  

Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com

I will end with the reading of my poem.  “Poorly Constructed Play ”

Poorly Constructed Play

Thanks so much for tuning in, 

What did you learn?  Who can you share this podcast with?  If this resonated with your spirit or perhaps made you think of a certain someone in your life, please share this with them.  I believe mental health is something we are overlooking on a massive scale and in order for people to heal, we need to be able to speak about this openly and honestly.  That is one of the main reasons I chose to bring what understanding I have about this disorder and other complexities to this platform.  

Alright folks, until next time… Choose truth, goodness and love!

Season 1 Episode 2- Podcast Notes

Title of Episode :Monsoon Kind of Pain

Link to the podcast below.

https://anchor.fm/michelle-clonch/episodes/Monsoon-Kind-Of-Pain-Season-1–Episode-2-e1p8ohf/General-INTRO-a8n8g9j

Intro: Hello and welcome to “The World in Black and White”My name is Michelle and I’m the narrator and creator of this podcast.

Vision for the podcast:My hope is that this podcast will be a platform that delivers hope to all individuals that may be overwhelmed by the challenges mental illness creates when trying to  navigate life in a positive and successful way. I hope to help others by teaching forgiveness and self-awareness.

What does BPD mean?: My personal definition of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder.)  The person with BPD will not always look at things from a logical plane.  They will however; always look at situations by the way the situation makes them feel. A person with BPD is very perceptive of everyone’s emotions, as well as their own.  Meeting new people or being in large groups can be exhausting, as they are intercepting all of the emotional data from everyone at once.  This is  not intentional, it has been wired into their brains as means of survival.  The person with BPD, will more than likely do 1 of two things at gatherings, they will stand out from the crowd or retreat entirely.  This of course depends on the feedback from the crowd.  One on one conversations are the preferred method of communication for the person with Borderline.  The person with BPD has problems with impulsivity, self-destructive behavior, setting boundaries, and self-awareness.  

The technical definition of Borderline Personality Disorder as listed in the DSM-V is 

Borderline Personality Disorder

Diagnostic Criteria 301.83 (F60.3)

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects,

and marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts,

as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (Note: Do not include suicidal

or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternat-

ing between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex,

substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-

mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria,

irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of

temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms._______

An analogy I came up with for any person in a relationship with BPD person… 

   Borderlines are amazing people, and I am not here to only discuss the negative aspects of living with BPD.  BPD people feel EVERYTHING, they want to love everyone or at least help everyone, and they will be some of the most fun-loving & charming people you will ever encounter.  They can also fit in with almost any type of crowd. 

    On the flip side, they are very cunning creatures as well.  They are capable of convincing “their person” to open up old wounds, this then allows the person with BPD to apply care or a temporary band-aid to the wound.  A little while later (could be days or weeks), the BPD person will rip off the band-aid and pour salt on the wound.  While pouring salt on the wound they will also desperately want to hear the other person’s undying commitment to them. They may need to hear some phrases of validation like; “yes, I love you” or “I will not ever leave you!” 

I can say from personal experience, both the person dealing with BPD and the other person will not like this part of the relationship, and it will happen periodically. But even though the person dealing with BPD knows this interaction makes them hard to live with, it ultimately leads to real & unfiltered conversation and intimacy. If you prove to the BPD there is no depth that you will not dive with them, you have earned a place as their most trusted person, however it will not exclude you from proving your loyalty time and time again. Sounds like the worst kind of initiation process, doesn’t it? Well, it is hard for the individual trying to be in a relationship or friendship with the person living with BPD, but even more disheartening for the borderline. This often leads them to a place of self-isolation, convinced that they can trust no one,and have no one to lean on, very seldom will people stick around to complete this initiation process, I mean… would you?

If you or someone you know has experienced this please message me your experience. I’d love to get feedback from others on this particular topic. 

Byte of Insight: On behalf of BPD sufferers everywhere, I can say in their defense. While the constant need for validation is exhausting for both people invested in the relationship this behavior shown by the borderline is originating from a place of fear. Most BPD sufferers do not want to be abandoned. This fear even trumps their fear of death. It trumps all fears, really. That fear becomes a puppet-master, as well as a self-fulfilling prophecy, and the preferred method that the borderline will use to find validation will send most logically-based individuals running for the hills. It will not be until BPD individuals become completely aware of their dark traits and tendencies before they can begin to reroute the brain’s pathways, and begin to repair their relationships.

*If you look at the BPD as an orphan, you will start to observe the emotional elements they desire from a partner/friend and are actually pretty easy to provide.

Now I’m speaking honestly cause I live with this disorder, not as a doctor, but as a patient that has been working on myself daily for the past 5 fears. So symptoms and behaviors may vary but this is my list…

The Borderline wants to KNOW unconditional love! 

A place to call HOME

Another person that is CONSISTENT and RELIABLE

Last but not least, A person that is DURABLE and STRONG. 

Challenge for the week: Take a look at your life right now and choose 1 thing in each of these categories that you really love, not what you have chosen to go along with to be pleasing, but 1 for each area. Focus on an activity you love to do. The second thing, A sound or playlist you love to hear. And third thing, A sight or person you love to see.

I will focus on these things as well this week and I will report on these things next time.

When we begin to unravel this disorder we will be able to locate who we really are and I think this gives us a good starting point.  

I will end with the reading of my poem.  “Monsoon Kind of Pain”

https://michellefightsbpd.com/2020/09/23/monsoon-kind-of-pain/

Thanks so much for tuning in, 

What did you learn?  Who can you share this podcast with?  If this resonated with your spirit or perhaps made you think of a certain someone in your life, please share this with them.  I believe mental health is something we are overlooking on a massive scale and in order for people to heal, we need to be able to speak about this openly and honestly.  That is one of the main reasons I chose to bring what understanding I have about this disorder and other complexities to this platform.  

Alright folks, until next time… Choose truth, goodness and love!

What Are You Afraid Of?

Fears, Mine & yours live within.

Mine, over time have combined and multiplied.

Fear can only live in the place without light,

It persuades you to give in, then surrender the fight.

I journey deeper to find what lurks there in the dark.

I see a long train tunnel, it is absent and cold.

Photo by Aleksey Kuprikov on Pexels.com

My mind warns, “stay where it’s safe, do not go.”

My soul urges my spirit to go deeper, into the black.

Darkness has one job, conceal

Concealing my false from my real.

There is some value to be gained here, my spirit feels

I calm myself a bit, wait for my body to stop shaking.

The words written on these walls, exposing.

It appears someone has tracked all of my mistakes.

So what? I messed up, what difference does that make?

I feel the vibrations of something in the distance

My fear reappears to offer stubborn resistance.

Is someone driving this train?

I grab ahold of the last train car, and pull myself inside

I feel the train is moving slower now, down to a steady glide

Why did my train suddenly slow down here?

My final destination isn’t fear.

Within the darkness my fear takes hold

One thing is clear, to leave this place, I must be bold.

I rise and dust off the negativity

Realizing this new sensitivity

to myself and my power

Photo by Tuur Tisseghem on Pexels.com

I make my way through the train,after thousands of hours

I know I must make it to the front of the train

If only I could get this desire to move to my brain.

allowing my spirit forward, breaking free from my paralyzed state

I must reach the light, it is where I will meet my fate

Photo by Alexander Zvir on Pexels.com

Fear, Mine & yours live within.

All souls must struggle with sin

Spirit knows it can’t be kept in the shade.

I’ve found her, she is so bold and unafraid.

Her light is my light

Parts of who I was, exposed by the light

Exposing my dark traits so that my spirit will survive.

Stepping into the light can be a terrifying fear

That is also where you must steer.

Turn your way towards light, it shall set you free

Surrendering your truths leads to victory

An ongoing spiritual battle

is also our eternal war.

To win, we must lose.

And battle no more!

After living in darkness & wrestling with my demons daily…

I am strong enough now to handle the light!

Surrender to the largeness of who you’re becoming.

“Parent-Child” Meet “Child-Parent”

An excerpt from one of my future books…

As I’m contemplating my day… this is what I heard the universe teaching me.


When a person decides to have and raise children, the parent usually experiences a bit of relief from child-rearing around 18ish. This may even occur much earlier, when the child hits the time of adolescence or perhaps even sooner, forced by environment.

When a child is then expected to raise a parent, there is no chance of relief! There will definitely not be any voluntary relief given from the parent to the child. The only relief will be the relief given when the child forces the parent away from their rearing! Like a good momma cat would at the first sign of the kitten taking care of themself. This interaction exhausts the responsible child “child-parent”and over time creates anger, resentment and bitterness. Everytime the parent “parent-child”literally & figuratively pulls up into the driveway, the child-parent begins to anticipate the need/s from the “parent-child”The body physically responds just as a new mother would respond if their angry, crying infant were laying down beside them. Quickly and with every intent on calming the baby’s need.

Every nerve of the nervous system tenses up on alert & with each pulse, a release of cortisol occurs followed by the intense anxiety. The “child-parent” having been trained to respond quickly to “parent-child’s” needs knows to react with haste. Fix the problem, stop the cries. “Parent-child” remains completely unaware of the burden and stress they are placing upon their own child. They may even say, “I thought you said that you would take care of me?” The parent-child is saying, “you can’t stop taking care of me, I still need to be taken care of.” The “child-parent” in absolute agony rips the “parent-child” from her breast and says “you are sucking the life out of me! Go take care of yourself!” That what she said as a child can by no means be held over her & that by some unspoken cosmic rule she would always be held responsible for your mishaps.

What contract did the “child-parent” unknowingly agree to? The “parent-child” knew exactly what they were doing and just didn’t care.

I think I hit that one on the nose!

You Aren’t “Awake” If You’ve Agreed To Be “WOKE!”

Let’s pretend you have just been “woke up” well that means your present status is no longer “woke” it would now be “awake.” You can only be “woke” if you are still sleeping. So let us all wake up for a moment, and check in on reality for a bit.

Some people will never wake up! Others will only wake once the blasts of war become the alarm clocks as explosions are happening all around them and their families! Don’t be that guy/girl!

The purchased/orchestrated media would like everyone to believe that “wokeness” is spreading throughout the veins of our country at supersonic speeds. This is simply not true, they have only created a decoy or distraction for us to focus our attention on while they continue to dismantle our country. The main issue we have as a country, the one that needs to be resolved, is within our own governing body. That issue is greed.

Our main issue…

No matter what side of the aisle you have decided to stand on, that side is no longer working for the prosperity of our country or its citizens any longer. They are only motivated by personal prosperity. Most of our so-called civil servants have been bought and paid for, which means they are not our servants any longer, but serve another master.

How many crimes do you see?

More and more citizens are becoming aware of the many violations and crimes that have already been committed by the over extended & the intimidating reach of our government . Dr. James Hollis said “We are governed by politicians whose survival as politicians depends on stoking those fears.” They need a fearful mass of voters so they can keep up appearances as the only ones bold enough to stand up and protect the citizens. It turns out that this is all a show. The only ones we need protection from are their greedy asses. In recent years, it has become more than evident that they are not protecting us, but they have sold their allegiances to the highest bidder.

This is not uncommon. Ask Captain Jack Sparrow.

Many people are realizing that we all have more in common now than what they would have us believe. Most people I have encountered, are for tolerance and inclusion. The ideologies pushed onto us by this administration are telling good people to tolerate and include immoral & even predatory ideologies . Awakening Americans are discovering one major commonality right now, and that is we are all under attack. All of humanity must resist this tyrannical movement of evil. How do we resist?

I feel these simple steps will prove to be the path back to goodness.

Step 1. Start with pointing out right from wrong. Do your best to choose more right, than wrong. Choose truth over deception, and goodness over evil.

Step 2. Is more than difficult to accomplish, but absolutely necessary to become what we need to truly win over our enemies. Love! Love everyone! Create a desire within yourself that hopes & believes that others will flourish.

Step 3. Share your honesty and wipe fear from your vocabulary. Be bold and specific with your words, they are powerful.

Step 4. Remove yourselves from the mind control of social media, our souls have been consumed with nonsense. Get back to nature.

Step 5. Place the highest priority on teaching your children how to sustain life, and talk to them about the importance of family.

Step 6. Each person should take a deep look on the inside before accusing the world of being a terrible place. We all have the ability to make the world a better place, we just need to accept that as one of our own responsibilities.

As a country and on a global scale, the people should make it clear that we are smarter than what they report on the news. That we were born into this world as autonomous beings, with God-given authority over our own lives. Most people given the choice of living under someone else’s authority or their own, would choose to be self-governing. They are hoping to stoke the flames of division and instigate a war between “conservatives vs. liberals.” We are wise to your playbook, thanks to history and brave individuals risking their lives or livelihoods to bring about clarity and awareness to the absolute corruption that has been presiding over us for longer than we would care to say out loud. Yes, we are going up against an evil opponent, but that opponent is not “the left” or “the right.” We need to activate our memory and hone in on survival skills. Speak to your neighbor, and break down political fences. The many injustices that have befallen humanity in just a few years must not continue any longer. They want to keep us divided because UNITED we are strong!

Like an “evil virus” purely focused on destroying our immune systems. We should now know that this specific narrative was designed to destabilize every system that sustains our way of life. This destabilization or “invocation of chaos” has cursed all of us, each and everyone, in every part of the world! All of us!


“That of which we are not aware, owns us.”

James Hollis, PH. D.

How will we fight anyone with a weaker more sensitive military force? One of my favorite modern scholars, said something like this and I’m paraphrasing…

The answer to chaos isn’t order, but love. Love is simply wanting other beings to flourish.

Dr. Jordan Peterson

His words aren’t hard to comprehend, but imagine a world where everyone did comprehend the meaning of wanting all beings to flourish. I want you to flourish. I work daily to flourish. I teach in order to help others flourish, and the chaos we are experiencing now makes it hard for anyone to flourish. We must remember that when we interact with people that may express opposing opinions or ideas, to stand firm in TRUTH.

Their mission seems to be clear, tear apart the systems that make America a great place to exist. They have also forgotten that the critical mechanism that makes America magnificent are it’s people, especially it’s patriots.

I’m curious how much longer we will tolerate this corruption within our system before we launch our own vaccines against this virus called “wokeness”

 {Wokeness - symptoms that may occur if you are combatting this illness may include, but are not limited to; believing mainstream media, confusion,  believing propaganda over fact, unable to see fact or understand logic, sleepwalking, sleep talking, never answering direct questions with any honesty, and lastly still saying everything is fine, because now someone is using your preferred pronouns.Rare instances of gender confusion may occur}
“Wokeness” may look something like this—>Vice President Biden nods off while former President Obama tells a story.

I believe anyone left in this country that has been able to look beyond the veil will tell you, this isn’t an administration that has the best interest of our country in mind. I’ve been wrestling this present illness everyday and have concluded that the most effective prescription that will eradicate “wokeness” is a huge dose of truth (light). Darkness retreats from the light. A splash of presence/awareness of mind/body/spirit. We are in the middle of a war, not just on the American way of life, but life in general. It seems anyone that speaks up to warn other people, are silenced. I’m on no other media platforms, so if I’m silenced here, the censorship has made its way to the blog space! The amazing thing about truth… it will always find its way to the surface.

Here is the truth, there is no prevailing racial injustice. There is just an overall tide of injustice, and it’s sweeping over our entire world. Historical legends are rolling over in their graves right now, sickened by the present condition of their country. Fallen soldiers (brave biological men & brave biological women) are asking why the America they fought for would so easily relinquish their liberties? Why? We have seen liberty struck down for an entire nation, these adjustments were made to appease a group of delusional people & these new adjustments to law, are in fact limiting the individual’s autonomy & their personal decisions over their body and what can be allowed/permitted to happen to them as a “free” individual. Individuals have been denied medical/religious exemptions for vaccines. This meant these individuals that refused the jab based on personal medical reasons or religious beliefs risked losing their livelihood, for their choice/right to not consent to an emergency authorized drug. All were told that letting them go would be the next course of action, if they didn’t do what the government mandated.This eliminated freedom for many, as many didn’t do as they were told, as they stood their ground their grasps clenched even tighter to the rights expressed in the U.S. Constitution. Now more and more people are waking up!

Nuremberg Code

When people agreed to take an ineffective shot, one that does not live up to it’s hype, they relinquished (surrendered) their own immunities (liberties) for a false sense of security. In fact, many have died after receiving the shot, and some might even conclude that it was the shot that killed the person. We have seen liberty struck down time and time again as any & all facts challenging mainstream media are removed from social media platforms. A child’s right to be an innocent child has been stolen in some parts of the country, and the few parents that were “awake” to fight the evil were then persecuted publicly with biased coverage, and then put in a state of fear by their own government calling them “domestic terrorists” This label slapped on them simply for standing up to protect their children from a very real danger in America. The danger; the inability to discern fiction from non-fiction, the false from the truth… so since some may still be in the dark, let’s choose to wake up and stop them from changing the definition of everything in our reality that relates to our biological makeup & our God-given rights.

Everything our government has offered the American people as far as “leadership” has not created any positive changes. They enhanced the chaos in our lives to come in and say, “do what we tell you to correct the chaos.” The main thing they should do is excuse themselves from telling people what to do with their lives. Quit forcing things into our bodies that we don’t need or want. Quit placing themselves as the final authority in our lives. That role has already been filled, and we are not accepting any further applicants.

Life Is A Winding Road

There will always be things that take you by surprise. I found out quickly at the beginning of this month that the scariest times in life aren’t when you are personally in danger, but when your child’s life may be in danger.

It actually started the last weekend in July, my baby girl said, “I have a really bad headache!” We gave her Tylenol and a cold rag and figured that would correct the problem. Then she threw up, we gave her some medicine for her stomach. We took her to the emergency room because she was also running a fever. (My son and I had just tested positive for Covid so we thought maybe she had it too.)

The ER doctor told me, she tested negative for Covid, Strep, UTI and that they were able to bring her fever down with correct dosing of meds (they gave her both Tylenol and Motrin at the same time!) then they sent us home early in the morning, a little past midnight.

Day 1- Trying to find out what’s wrong. just after 106.3 fever…

Later that same day, her fever returned with a vengeance, 106.3!!! I had never dealt with such a high fever, I quickly grabbed her and walked her into the shower and ran cool water over her head and body as she cried, knowing that she must be feeling completely miserable. Mom’s Pajamas now completely soaked. We managed to get her fever down to 102, I changed as quick as I could, and then we loaded her back into the car and drove back to the ER. I don’t think we even made it 12 hours at home, before returning her to the ER.

I checked her in and told the lady at registration that I wanted her seen as soon as possible that she now has a high fever of 106, and I wanted her checked for MISc. ( multiple inflammatory syndrome in children) the article I read that lead me to believe this told about an 8 year old girl that had shown symptoms similar to the symptoms my daughter was experiencing. That link is attached below.

https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/coronavirus/patient-stories/morgan-deitz.html

The ER doctor took blood and checked her for inflammatory markers, they said they were concerned about the markers for her heart so they would be transferring her to Children’s Hospital. Their facility would be better equipped for the tests they would need to run on her. I let my husband know that they would be transporting her by ambulance and that I would ride along with her, and that they would need to go home and pack things for us as we were unsure how long this stay would last.

My husband and 14 year old son rushed home, packed and headed up to the hospital, my daughter and I still waiting for the ambulance to take us to the other hospital. The ER doctor started her on antibiotics and IV, he said that her most recent UA showed that she did have a urinary tract infection. Ok, weird she had no symptoms of a UTI. I was relieved that they may have found the reason for the fever though.

Once they loaded her into the ambulance and I buckled myself in… I took a deep breath and prayed. I prayed for her health and that we would make it there safe. An ambulance moving at 90 miles an hour would make anyone say a few prayers, but I was seriously upset for my child. We made it to Children’s in no time.

Once we were at Children’s, time seemed to stop. We were first wheeled into the ER, they ran an EKG and said her heart looks good but they still wanted to admit her because they wanted to see how her blood panel looked in a few days. My mind was constantly thinking of what could be causing this and how they were going to make her feel better?

The doctors came in and said they would continue the IV antibiotics that were started at the original hospital and that they would continue to do tests. Then there were pokes, lots and lots of pokes. Her veins were being difficult, and the place where they managed to set two IV’s weren’t giving blood like they needed either. They did a chest X-ray, some small spots on lungs, could be pneumonia, could be nothing. Current antibiotics should help. Then an ultrasound of her abdomen, nothing standing out. Then a CT scan of her abdomen, there is an indication of something going on with her kidney. Doctor tells me over the phone “that despite her inflammatory markers, they are leaning more towards pyelonephritis.” I asked “what is that and how do you spell it?” She responds with “kidney infection.” Wait, what? A kidney infection. I’ve had kidney infections, they cause pain in the lower back . It didn’t make sense to me. But after two weeks of antibiotics she improved and the fever had finally dissipated after 7 days on IV antibiotics. Sounds like a serious kidney infection, right?

We still aren’t convinced that it was just a kidney infection, as it doesn’t explain all of her other symptoms, but we are taking her to a specialist soon for her kidney, to make sure they are functioning properly. we are just so grateful that our baby girl was able to start 3rd grade today and that we are back home, safe and sound!

My baby girl! 2 weeks after being released from hospital!!
Happy Mommy! I know how blessed I am to kiss her cheek today and everyday!