2023

Season 2 : Episode 1

Topic: “The Comparison of Mental Health Disorders To Society”

Season 2

Introduction: HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! Welcome to the World in Black and White this is Michelle and I am the narrator and creator of this podcast. I am grateful to begin Season 2 discussing Borderline Personality Disorder with you and giving some helpful strategies that might make a positive difference for those living with BPD.

Vision: My vision for the second season of “The World in Black and White,” is that this season includes interviews with mental health experts, discussing life with some willing & kooky friends, as well as adding some forced commentary from my family members. I mean, why not? Those dealing with mental health disorders usually surround themselves with some pretty interesting & entertaining people. I want those listening to this to receive a dose of hope and possibly some useful strategies that help direct them towards a healthier path. I aim to achieve this in a manner that inspires others to choose a place of self awareness and authenticity. I hope to create a space here that allows all people to shed their mask, and to listen without fear of rejection or criticism. Alright, let’s go to that place that arouses self-awareness and acceptance… This is The World in Black and White!

So I was just having a conversation with my older brother, and to give you a little background on that relationship, he and I both served in the military as Chaplain Assistants from 2001 to 2005. We were both recruited on the same day, but he was still in braces and had to complete his orthodontic treatment before he could be sent to basic training.

My brother is only 3 years older, but I have always seen him as a much older and wiser person than myself, partly because of his kind and calm demeanor, but also his ability to look at specific problems and respond with biblical solutions. He has been there for me through some very tough times, and I just want to be sure that you all hear the genuine respect I hold for him as an individual.

Our duties were the same in the military, we were responsible for setting up the space to hold religious services. We would also provide administrative and combative support to the chaplain when necessary. I began telling him this morning what my topic for this week’s podcast would be. That I would be making a comparison of what society has experienced over the past couple of years with having a mental disorder, (specifically Borderline Personality Disorder.) He then asked me, “Have you heard that they are going to bring institutions back to place “crazy people” in that go against them?”

So I felt it important that I get this out, because well… They might lock me up soon. I just want to say that what I am trying to get out to others will probably be censored or flagged as misinformation, all that I am sharing today are my own opinions and comparisons… Well most of us know, once you have been labeled as “crazy”it is hard to remove that label or to have other people take you seriously.

(1st)

Ok… Ladies and Gents, humor me for a minute and imagine society as one being. Lets refer to humanity now as “Gertrude” and poor Gertrude has just recently married a man that no one really knows all that well and we only know that he has a lot of mystery in his history.

Within no time, we see Gertrude that had once been a happy and free spirit,to a recluse, unable to go to any social gatherings. He was hiding her away. The only reason he gave was that she was not well and had to stay indoors for her “health.”

Then the man she married all of a sudden begins to strip her of her ability to speak on her own behalf, answering every question she was asked with a scripted answer from a “higher authority” Gertrude’s friends became concerned for her well being, but knew that there was little that they could do for her. So they did nothing and said nothing. He would now be the one to make all of her decisions for her, because he said that he knew what would be most suitable for her. Gertrude by this point had been convinced that she was also going crazy, because that is what he would say to her anytime she disagreed or questioned him. During this time, Gertrude was given a test result that now showed that she was positive for the “deadly virus” .She was told that the only hope of surviving this illness was to take a jab that hadn’t been fully tested or risk the possibility of succumbing to this “novel” illness.

Gertrude discovers that because of her time living in a toxic environment she had officially started to question her own sanity. She knew that she didn’t like the environment, but found it impossible to run away from it, his toxicity had permeated everywhere, those that she thought were friends, had turned their backs to her. Believing his narcissistic lies, over her truths.

So… Here is Gertrude truly experiencing gaslighting, coercion, loss of autonomy and identity. Gertrude shows how one can develop a mental health disorder living in an intentionally toxic environment. Gertrude is trying to separate from this mysterious man at the moment… So we shall have to wait and see how the story plays out, but I hope we can agree that Gertrude needs to move along on a new path.

(2nd) Inspiration for the story…

So for the past couple of years we have all had to make some pretty crazy concessions or lifestyle modifications to simply survive the infected landscape that covid provided. It birthed chaos and complexities onto our simple reality, the events that occurred as a side-effect of covid have been tremendous and unlike any many people had ever experienced.

I immediately started to notice that there were some striking similarities between the elected official handling of the events and a highly toxic environment. They were delivering a lot of insulting remarks to people that questioned them and continued to offer one-sided demands without possibility of discussion or debate. (Let’s just say I was quite familiar with this dance and it immediately stood out like a red-flag to me!)The intention here was to make the individuals that questioned their motives appear to be crazy, it also frightened others from speaking out. No one likes to be labeled as crazy, it reduces their thoughts and opinions to nonsense, even if it isn’t. This very same thing happens in Narcissistic relationships.

The similarities that I was quick to notice, were the insults towards those that questioned provided guidance and information, as well as the blatant disregard for human immunities or liberties. The other red flags were the simultaneous attacks on our rights, more specifically the right to free speech and the right to bear arms. At this very same time, we were dealing with a global pandemic, which turned out to be a “designer illness” waging an attack on everyone’s physical health.

Being a veteran of war… I felt we were being attacked on multiple fronts, I was only aware of two specific attacks at this time, one being the psychological and the other being biological. I was arriving at these conclusions based solely on my feelings and prior experience with toxic relationships, but it was evident to me that something bad was at play. Which led me to write the story about Gertrude. (*disclaimer, I am not referring to anyone bearing the name of Gertrude.) Have a Nice Day!

Alright it’s time for our Byte of Insight

I am just going to make a few comparisons from this story to mental health. So in the story you heard gaslighting, I’ve put a definition on my blog. Michellefightsbpd.com

This definition was provided by google

Gas·light *definition provided by Google Dictionary.

/ˈɡasˌlīt/

verb

gerund or present participle: gas-lighting

manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning.: “in the first episode, Karen Valentine is being gaslighted by her husband” “we are being gaslit about our health on a grand scale by these people”.

The second comparison to mental health is when you survive a toxic environment for a while you start to develop ways to cope or survive that environment. So while it may seem that society or Gertrude was just going along with everything she was simply just trying to survive, but she was surviving in an environment that was intentionally toxic. And so we need Gertrude to get out of that environment and to see for herself that there is a healthier path, a healthier way to live her life.

So the story for Gertrude may seem a bit familiar and I have even left many events out of the story. The villains in this fairy tale chose to instill fear, to replace her logic center with an”other perception” and that “following safe guidance” would save her life, that the removal of her personal autonomy would now be replaced with a new and more effective governance that would keep her alive.

My conclusion: Society has developed a mental illness without any hope of a cure. Well just like Borderline Personality Disorder doesn’t yet have a cure, I don’t truly believe that there isn’t a cure. Or that those dealing with BPD actually need to be cured, but rather their toxic environment needs to change. I believe that there is, and the elements that bring us closer to that healing have always been; truth, goodness, and love! I am uncertain why society or Gertrude in this instance had to endure emotional, psychological and physical abuse, but I am sure that we are all trying to recover from enduring a very toxic relationship over the past couple of years, and that we all put blind faith and trust in an entity with evil intent. No matter what name we bestow onto society at this point, I personally wanted to acknowledge that we were gaslighted and ridiculed when we questioned their motives. I am still holding onto hope that we can yet again achieve peace and real health & that more and more people become aware of the root of this mental illness and to combat it with truth, compassion and understanding.

Announcements:

I moved my dates to air the podcast to Monday, this gives me all of Friday and the weekends to record, edit and add if needed. This will be every other week. SO be looking for the next episode the following monday. So start looking for the show to air on Mondays, we all need a reason to like Mondays just a little bit more.

We have another Guest Speaker on the calendar and is set to air in February, which is perfect because I have loved her positive take on Borderline Personality Disorder. She has held roles as a mental health supervisor, suicide crisis counselor, psychotherapist, art therapist, and trainer to therapists and coaches. She is an author and you can find her literature when you visit her site eggshelltherapy.com WE are certainly excited to be adding her to our upcoming schedule.

Closing: Thanks so much for tuning in we have come to the end of the podcast. What did you learn? Who can you share this podcast with? If this resonates with your spirit or makes you think of a certain someone that has experienced similar issues in their life, please share this with them. I believe mental health is something that we are overlooking on a massive scale and in order for people to heal we need to be able to speak about this openly and honestly.I hope you are excited about Season 2 of “The World in Black & White” and until next time choose truth, goodness, and love.

Crisis Help Line: If you are dealing with matters of life that have left you feeling defeated or overwhelmed, I want you to know that sometimes we are able to lift each other back up to fight again. If you are currently in a place of troubled thoughts, please don’t waste another minute and just reach out. There are people that want to help. Please call 988 to speak with someone that can help you find necessary resources or listen to a person that simply wants to help you through your current situation.

What happens when a person calls 988?

Those who call 988 will hear a greeting message while their call is being routed to a local crisis center within the Lifeline network, based on the caller’s area code. A trained crisis counselor then takes the call, listens to what is being said to get a better understanding of how their problem is affecting them, provides support and connects them with resources as necessary. If a local counselor is not available, the person calling will be routed to a national backup crisis center. Longer term, the system is intended to link 988 callers to community-based providers who can deliver a range of crisis care services, including mobile crisis teams and stabilization centers.

If texting makes you feel more comfortable please text 62640 (between the hours of 10am-10pm ET)
If you are currently in crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 | Text “NAMI” to 741741 for 24/7, confidential, free crisis counseling | If calling 911: Ask for a Crisis Intervention Team (CIT) Officer

New Year, New Expectations

One of the things I’ve definitely learned in life up to this point, is that the only person you can truly have expectations for is yourself. Expectations for the person with BPD can lead to many explosions and disappointments.
I’ve learned that to expect someone to behave in a way that is pleasing to you, well it’s just not realistic.
Having expectations for any other individual (one exception maybe being your children) can often leave you feeling gutted (empty) and miserable(depressed). Almost a quarter of a century ago I remember making some smart-ass comment to my mother… “Don’t have expectations and you won’t be let down.” Quite a feisty comment coming from the mouth of her teenage daughter.

I think she said something about cleaning up a mess her pup had made after the pup had torn up an entire roll of paper towels. My mom had been at work that day, and when she walked through the door, she said “I expected that you would see this mess, and take care of it!” She was right to say that, as she is my mom… but I also saw this particular situation as not my responsibility because it wasn’t my dog.

This back & forth of vocalizing our expectations actually led to me being thrown out of her house. I was 16. Thankfully, It didn’t leave me homeless, I lived with my dad & I was only there that Friday to visit for the weekend. Long story short, we eventually got over it and had a proper discussion about it.

Now I see the ways I could have handled myself more appropriately. However many, many lessons had to be learned in order for me to see the error in my ways and change my bitter & spiteful attitude. I really should have cleaned up the mess, not because it was her expectation, but because it was the right thing to do.

After all of those lessons, I have learned that I don’t try to teach my children to meet MY expectations. I show them the expectations I have for myself that will hopefully lead to me becoming a better human being, and I openly talk to them about choosing appropriate expectations for themselves as well.

You can always communicate your expectations for the people in your life, but it is still up to that individual to accept those expectations as their own or up to you to find out what expectations they may have already established as their own.

I’m starting this year off by being intentional and realistic with my personal expectations. I will not look to others to meet my expectations because they have their own. If I find myself expecting something from someone I will pull back and readjust my perspective to seek understanding rather than to be let down by unmet expectations. Happy New Year to my beautiful BPD warriors! Let’s expect it to be great!

“6 Things To Help Manage BPD”

(Last episode for season 1)

Link to Podcast! https://s-ssl.wordpress.com/i/spotify-badge.svg

Season 1 Episode 9:

Intro: Hello and welcome to “The World in Black and White” My name is Michelle and I am the narrator and creator of this podcast.

Vision: My vision for this podcast is that it will bring hope to all individuals that may be overwhelmed by the challenges mental illness can create as a person attempts to navigate life in a positive and successful way.

Crisis Helpline: I want to also make listeners aware of help that is available. Call 988 to speak to a crisis operator or text “helpline” that is H E L P L I N E to 62640 .

Stoicism says not to worry about the elements of your life outside of your control, that the only thing you can ever really control is yourself, or rather your reaction to those outside elements that you “feel” are affecting your outlook on life. I posed the question a couple years back, “can a person with BPD be a stoic?” It was interesting for me to consider that the rule was so simple, yet so foreign for someone at the mercy of overly reactive chemicals to external stimuli. To even consider that someone could have this type of control over their responses to the world intrigued me… and so I researched stoicism for a bit. It was super difficult for me to resist the urge not to react to everything outside of my control.

I’m still working on some level of a more controlled response to the world. I am still wondering if someone suffering from this brain disorder has the capability to become a stoic?

This next portion I will be sharing is a blog post I made about Stoicism and BPD in March of 2020.

Here is a previous blog I wrote about stoicism and BPD Can An Individual With BPD Become A Stoic?

So I came up with these 6 things after responding to a comment someone posted on Reddit. I will omit their comment, as it was the response that triggered this episode anyway. Sometimes we don’t know what we have learned until someone else needs to know what you know in order to get through something troublesome.

MY RESPONSE: “I’m going to sound like a b-word when I say what is required of you to “feel” better. I just need you to know, nothing will ever change If we aren’t honest about what is required to get out of your own way. BPD is a brain disorder, chemicals have hijacked YOU. Every BPD person has unknowingly given these chemicals an all-access pass to control emotional responses. We have always been at the mercy of these chemicals. 1st and foremost – stop making excuses 2. Stop justifying your avoidance to seek understanding of BPD. We must relocate from victimhood. 3. Claim your autonomy, and immediately start working on self-awareness. 4. Embrace the emptiness until it’s gone. 5. Decide that being present is more important than anything contrived in a fantasy. 6. Get active. These are not fail-proof instructions, but it’s been effective enough for me to stay present a lot more than before and focus on things that mean something to me.”

After responding to this person, I noticed that I may have some more things to share with listeners about managing their borderline personality disorder. With no real answers or cure to Borderline we must all focus on managing ourselves, until we figure out the issues causing the symptoms.

#1) If we are at the mercy of chemicals responding to our environment reactively and without permission, how likely is it that a person with BPD can control their emotional responses? Don’t chemicals just have a way of doing their thing without asking permission?

(Definitions found on newharbinger.com)

Cortisol- a chemical released during stress that helps to break down carbohydrates and proteins in order to increase the supply of glucose and oxygen in the muscles, heart, and brain. But high levels of cortisol over a prolonged periods of time lead to an increase in blood pressure and an increase in sugar levels, both of which lead to unhealthy fat build-up in the abdomen, thinning of bones, and prevention of collagen formation. High cortisol levels also suppress the immune-system response and cause the body to age faster.

Serotonin- plays an important role in the regulation of mood, sleep, and learning. It is found throughout the brain and the digestive system, and has been implicated in depression, suicide, anxiety, and appetite regulation

Opiates- are released (under ordinary circumstances) by the brain to dull pain in response to body-tissue damage

Just knowing cortisol can affect in a negative way… traumatic events and high stress situations… you can control your actions to help alleviate some of those environmental triggers.

#2) Avoiding responsibility or competency of your disorder? Are you a “manager” or are you a “victim”?

I still catch myself saying “If you would just be nice to me, I wouldn’t have these episodes.” while this may be true. It is no one else’s responsibility to make me behave appropriately. It is my responsibility. Understanding my weaknesses, helps me manage this brain disorder. When I am feeling unloved, invisible or misunderstood, I should seek to understand the reasons this is occurring and not just try to “feel” better by any means necessary. I know that even our defense mechanisms tend to happen automatically, but if you work at maintaining a mindful existence, you will see the unhealthy ones and realize they aren’t truly helping you “feel” better, they are only interested in making the pain go away and to survive. Living a good life is much more than just surviving.

#3) You are an autonomous being with unique characteristics and specific attributes that make you, YOU. Awaken to who you are.

I am a work in progress. Honestly, I am still getting acquainted with who I am. This introspection has been motivated by a series of events that had to happen in order for me to understand I was “surviving on autopilot” and not really living the life I would want to live. Since arriving at that understanding of self I embrace that I am a strong person that has already accomplished many things, even with a disorder that creates more self-inflicted pain than living without BPD. Embrace this strength.

#4) Healing is feeling, and sometimes that means embracing the emptiness until you have squeezed every bit of it from those special compartments you like to hoard painful & unpleasant moments.

Imagine running water from your kitchen faucet, take a rag and soak it with water, then ring it out. Does it feel dry, after ringing it out once? Probably not, because no matter how much you ring it, the rag will remain damp, until you lay it out flat in the sun. Our pain is similar to a damp rag, if we wad it up and stuff it deep down inside of us it doesn’t ever go away. Especially when we just keep it under a running faucet. If you want to get rid of the pain, you will need to lay it all out and with time let the light (personal insight and acknowledgement) dry it up. You may need to do this process several times. It is worthwhile work.

#5) Being present, and not caught up in some fantasy, is the only way in which you directly affect your overall mental health. There is no escaping this fact!

There are several moments throughout my day that I see people using technology to escape reality. I am wearing headphones right now listening to the Top Hits on Spotify and I am doing this to block out distractions, to help me focus on creating my podcast notes. Well, my family escapes reality by playing video games and watching youtube videos or any social media platform currently available. It is ok to escape for a little while, but if you are constantly seeking the escape, maybe you need to take inventory of what is happening around you that is inspiring this desire to escape and do what you need to do to make your reality more comfortable for you to exist in peace.

#6) MOVE your body and be physical. It helps battle the negative chemicals by releasing the good chemicals that your brain is desperate for, and the physical benefits of being active aren’t so bad either.

I can tell you since starting kickboxing and pushing to do this multiple times a week has helped my mental state in a big way. You don’t need a gym, take a walk, or buy a jump rope. Do some pushups or sit-ups and log your workouts. This activity will help you “feel” better.

BYTE OF INSIGHT:

It is so easy for me to describe to people the ways in which they don’t show their appreciation for me, and this usually looks like some sort of adolescent tantrum. The reason this expression looks like some sort of teenager not getting their way, is due to my lack of self-awareness.

In the past, I expected everyone to understand that my unloading was the only path for me to find any level of peace again. I would only offer this “explosion” as the necessary path they deserved to take with me after they so selfishly and consistently offered me their inconsiderate behaviors. Instead of halting the inappropriate talk or behaviors as they occurred, I would expect them to choose not to do those things, out of some sort of expression of love and commitment to me. I would then by way of silence, allow them to continue their behaviors towards me that I did not approve of, and this would then create an ugly pattern of behaviors and treatment that weren’t acceptable, but allowed.

I now know that this “explosion” can be avoided by establishing timely & appropriate boundaries, however this awareness took me a very long time to establish boundaries for myself and my family members and friends.
I have found the closer you are to someone the harder it will be to set necessary boundaries. I think it might also be relevant to state that this realization means that the person dealing with BPD has the hardest time setting boundaries for themself. I am able to justify just about any type of treatment I “feel” like justifying. Instead of letting my “feelings” tell me what is appropriate. I have now designed boundaries that say “Will this behavior/communication express how I feel about this person honestly?” If the answer is no, I would only be trampling all over myself and my authenticity. Which is the last thing I want to occur. I have been working hard at understanding myself and all the things that make me, ME. Beyond that… I want those that I love, to feel that love and trust my love. I want the people that I care about, to know that I hold their future and their feelings as a personal priority. This has helped me quite a bit on my journey to healing the relationships I have thoughtlessly injured in the past.

So even though I have in the past unloaded whatever it was I had been “containing” directly on to my loved ones, I was doing this to somehow attack their behaviors. But what I was actually doing, was informing them that it was ok to communicate in this way. I had just demonstrated what I accept as appropriate behavior & an appropriate method to communicate. Even though it is not how I want to communicate. It helped to create an ugly and emotionally abusive cycle. I now choose to show love and patience and seek understanding, all while hoping that I will also receive the same.

I was showing people with my own actions and expressions that this response was normal or “appropriate”. So Instead of burying the hurt or dismissing the moments I felt disrespected, I should discuss these things or events in a healthy way. Knowing that I would not treat them this way, and would like the same consideration from them, and that if they can’t show this type of consideration for my feelings, then maybe they do not hold one of the places I have reserved for my closest relationships. I should not rely on my ability to bury things, in order to keep a relationship.

Challenge:Stoicism and controlling yourself! Change your responses to the people close to you. This has been trying for me at times. When I dish out honesty it is served alongside an attitude that says “I’m right about this, you are just too ignorant to see it from my personal perspective.” I despise trying to appear like a “know it all”, because well… I know I don’t know everything. Before when I would start speaking my truth or opinions about something, I would expect everyone to just accept it as their truth as well. That will not always be the case. I have been working very hard at accepting that the rest of the world, especially those closest to me, do not experience or see the world as I do. I must first try to see their perspective then express that I understand their point of view before offering my own, and there may even be times where the other person doesn’t even want to hear it. This has been challenging for me most of my life, but since opting to try this method of communication out I have already seen positive responses when communicating my wants and needs, or when I am expressing my raw feelings about certain things, to my friends and family.

Closing: Thanks so much for tuning in we have come to the end of the podcast. What did you learn? Who can you share this podcast with? If this resonates with your spirit or makes you think of a certain someone that has experienced similar issues in their life, please share this with them. I believe mental health is something that we are overlooking on a massive scale and in order for people to heal we need to be able to speak about this openly and honestly.I believe this will also be the last episode of season 1. I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and wish you all a very Happy New Year! Until next time choose truth, goodness, and love.

Season 1 Episode 8

Self Awareness continued

Link for podcast:https://open.spotify.com/episode/1XrZtuJAdGayala84IBzjs?si=RUwQKqfKTyWOYdLUsiszGg

Intro:

Hello and welcome to “The World in Black and White” My name is Michelle and I’m the narrator and creator of this podcast.

Vision for the podcast:

My vision for this podcast is that it will bring hope to all individuals that may be overwhelmed by the challenges mental illness can create as a person attempts to navigate life in a positive and successful way.

CRISIS HELPLINE: I want to also make listeners aware of help that is available. Call one of these numbers or text them to find help.

Text “helpline” that’s H E L P L I N E TO 62640

Or dial 988 for crisis operator.

Announcements: N/A

Topic: (SELF-AWARENESS CONT.)

We began talking about a study that identified some areas that might be of some interest for those suffering from BPD.I know it did catch my interest. What the study showed is that even very early environmental interaction can affect an individual that is highly sensitive to their environment & that the lack of interaction from the parent or caretaker helps to create BPD, and it also instills a lack of self awareness. What we are finding out as we search for Borderline Personality Disorder and the relation to self awareness, is that there’s not a lot of information out there.But self awareness is key when trying to manage this disorder.

So armed with this information from the study I went to have a conversation with my caretaker, my mother. I asked her, “Were you depressed or was anything serious happening when I was an infant?” she responds with “The year you were born was the year my dad died. He died 8 months after you were born.”

Now I’m not entirely sure because the study doesn’t just blatantly say what age an infant has to be. When I asked my mom about this she was clearly upset that she had lost her dad she immediately started trying to hold back tears and she failed at that so she began to cry I leaned over and gave her a hug and put my hand over her head I could sense that she was truly upset and that she missed her dad. Now imagine 40 years ago, when I was just a baby how upset she must have been. I do believe that my mother suffers from borderline as well… just undiagnosed. So that emotional, overwhelming event kept her at bay, from me when I was a baby. It’s important to remember in any relationship that you may create that other person has issues, and pains & things about them that may not help you, and I had to make that realization about my parents, in the past few years. In recognizing that I was able to forgive them. I am still processing the pain because I really don’t like being controlled by this disorder. So I do my best everyday to work on self awareness.

So why is self awareness so difficult for a person with Borderline? I have literally been thinking about this in the back of my mind all week. What I have come up with is that because a borderline is constantly looking at facial features and emotional feedback, body language. Little microscopic things that tell us we are pleasing or accepted is what we rely upon in order to function. To be in reality and to have your brain constantly over-analyzing every unspoken response and trying to dictate what your next words or movement action behavior whatever it is to have that be appropriate in that moment makes it quite difficult to dive into who we are and to give an honest response, because our number one fear is to be rejected and then abandoned because we were not pleasing or appropriate

So in my search for self awareness I realized that the absolute number one thing you have to do is start being honest. You have to pull from deep within yourself. Being deceitful comes very easily for the borderline because were literally telling the people what they want to hear but when you are honest and you get to tell someone what you actually think or how you actually feel makes you aware of you. This is gonna take some practice. Here are some of the strategies I personally use to make an honest effort of being self aware.

If someone is having a conversation with you and you start to zone out on things happening inside your head, stop them, interrupt them if you must, and say “I am so sorry, could you repeat everything that you just said?” & Truly listen and & truly give them honest feedback.

The other thing that I have been working on is time. I use different times throughout the day to take care of myself,or to take care of my classroom, or I have to schedule certain things, so that I am making myself. I’m putting forth all of my energy on tackling specific tasks.

We’ve all heard that “truth hurts,” but we’ve never heard of why it hurts. It mostly hurts our ego, but we can learn from the truth, and if we are always being honest then we will learn ourselves as well.

Sometimes creating pain in others is inevitable and sometimes having pain inside yourself is inevitable. So I’ve started to accept the pain and abandon the suffering. If I feel the pain and let it go then that is all it has. It is just a moment of my time and attention. When I let it go it no longer resides with me. I can move on and live life. Being self aware means that you are aware of who you are and while I still struggle with that, here are some things I do know; I am a woman, I am a strong woman, I am a courageous and strong woman. I like adventure sometimes, I like to rest sometimes, I do love to spend time with my kids, and love talking to my class about life, and I am happy that I am a mother, and that I was able to be a mother. And I am also happy to be managing bpd and trying to help other people and encourage them.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to do on the podcast today, because there is very little information out there about bpd and self awareness. I do have this one hope that some of my honesty today… Me just talking to you reaches someone and helps them work on self awareness and helps them manage their bpd just a little bit better because ladies and gents I do know how difficult it is and i wish it weren’t that way and the more I learn about borderline is that there is a reason for all of this there is a purpose behind it and we just have to become self-aware and understand what our purpose is, what our truth is, and then go out and be that.

BYTE OF INSIGHT: sharing information that is good information

(Found online at optimumperformanceinstite.Com)

“MANAGING BPD

Coping with borderline personality disorder can seem daunting, however help is available. It is not a life sentence, and it can be managed. Some of the following have worked to help people manage BPD in daily life:

Learning coping skills for raging emotions
Expressing emotions via creative outlets like drawing, painting or writing
Performing relaxation exercises
Active problem-solving behaviors
Setting attainable and realistic goals
Seeking comforting surroundings
Listening to music that is opposite of the strong emotions felt
Taking a warm shower or bath
Setting a stable schedule
Calling someone to talk
Talking to people about triggering events or situations to help avoid them
Engaging in a physical activity or outlet
Learning about the disorder
Being patient and understanding that symptoms may improve gradually

Understanding the signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder can go a long way toward healing. By identifying that these mood swings and intense emotions are not intentional, one can learn to recognize the warning signs and learn to cope.

Challenge: I write every day! Whether it’s a response to something that happened or an idea that I had I tend to enjoy jotting those things down, however I’ve also found that writing about my feelings takes the bad seasoning out of my responses should I need to verbally respond to someone about a particular issue. It’s also a good way to keep track of my thoughts and feelings, and it helps me identify how different people or events change my opinion about them if their expectations aren’t what I had hoped. My challenge to you is to journal not at random but about situations that may arise this week that make your temper flare or break your heart or spirit. Instead of giving an immediate and impulsive response… write it down, then, when you have calmed down you now have something to calmly refer to if the discussion needs to happen.

Thanks for your time! Happy holidays to each reader/listener! Peace within ✌🏻 is achievable! 🥰

Season 1: Episode 7

Self-Awareness

Link to listen to the podcast:

Intro:

Hello and welcome to “The World in Black and White”My name is Michelle and I’m the narrator and creator of this podcast.

Vision for the podcast:

My vision for this podcast is that it will bring hope to all individuals that may be overwhelmed by the challenges mental illness can create.

Announcements: (none)

Topic: (SELF-AWARENESS)

Alright… Welcome back everyone, this is episode 7 of the first season of The World in Black & White! I am going to try and knock out 11 episodes total, for Season 1 before the start of 2023, so wish me luck!

This week’s topic is very near and dear to my heart, SELF-AWARENESS!

I don’t know the percentage of Borderlines that deal with this issue, but I am sure it is high.

If I were put on the spot to give 100% honesty on whether or not I liked something I would respond with a neutral type of response, still being unsure of what the appropriate answer might be for the given situation or I’d be worried about the response the person asking me the question is seeking. I’d probably just say “umm sure, it’s good”
For starters, I do not like to offend but the closer I steer towards being authentic and honest, the more I realize that there will be times where my wants and needs may not be the same as others, and that my opinions and beliefs may not match their beliefs.I just need to remind myself that this doesn’t make me offensive. (because In my head, offensive people aren’t well liked.) and because well, answering with an agreeable answer is less troublesome.

but I have found that the moments where I have abandoned my opinions, beliefs or values to be agreeable for someone or something are also the initial moments that create conflict in my life. I know now that I must redirect my responses towards honesty and steer clear of always being agreeable.

This amnesia of self may be one of the most destructive behavior patterns for PwBPD.

I have made a lot of progress by bringing my focus on being present, really tuning in, consistently seeking my inner voice, and presenting the truth to others about the thoughts that are awakened or my true feelings when situations needing my input may arise. //

CRISIS HELPLINE:
I would also like to let listeners know of help that is available. Call one of these numbers or text them to find help. I pray you always find someone there to pull you up.

You can call or text 988.

Another helpline available through the National Alliance for Mental Illness is 800-950-6264 or text “HelpLine” to 62640

Are you able to make good decisions in a timely manner, or do you waver a bunch and say “well what do you want to do? Or what do you think we should do?”

I always thought this behavior pattern of mine to be a considerate personality trait. I was offering the decision to be made by someone else, to give them an opportunity to experience any level of joy out of that decision. But in doing so, I have lost the ability to make my own decisions based on what I truly think or believe. However; I think one of the only times we aren’t indecisive is when something causes us to “feel”. I am curious to find out if this need to “feel” happens because so many people with BPD actually function in their own lives in a numb and apathetic way.It appears we have discovered some kind of mental switch for autopilot.

However; this default in my brain to avoid making decisions for myself stems from my inability to see who I really am and what I really want. This also leaves me with the inability to be decisive. I rely on many other people to help me make good decisions. Why should I trust others and their decision-making over my own?

Well, I think that’s a good question!. I think I have stumbled upon something that will help us understand a little bit better why people with BPD have such a hard time with self awareness and understanding who they are, what they think ,and what their beliefs are//

BYTE of Insight:
Lately, I have been struggling a ton with not being able to see myself. I don’t mean I need to buy glasses or clean my bathroom mirror. I mean, I’ve noticed that I’m lacking in the area of self awareness and understanding my own identity. I am working at getting a better understanding of all the things that make me, me.

This may sound silly to some listeners but I do believe that this is a big issue for someone battling textbook BPD.

Not having the slightest clue of how others see you may directly berelated to that inability to see/know/or understand myself.

I bet if you have BPD you are bothered by this just as much as I am.

We have already learned that splitting occurs, as well as other unhealthy defense mechanisms when the PwBPD is threatened and that this happens on a subconscious level.

I am now constantly telling myself, there is no threat Michelle. Or reminding my brain that everything is ok, because I don’t want some unhealthy defense mechanism hijacking my mind or my behaviors.//

STUDY OVER SELF: Alright what I’m about to read is an abstract from a study
Link:

Mentalization and embodied selfhood in Borderline Personality Disorder – PMC (nih.gov)

ABSTRACT: Aberrations of self-experience are considered a core feature of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). While prominent etiologic accounts of BPD, such as the mentalization based approach, appeal to the developmental constitution of self in early infant-caregiver environments, they often rely on a conception of self that is not explicitly articulated. Moreover, self-experience in BPD is often theorized at the level of narrative identity, thus minimizing the role of embodied experience. In this article, we present the hypothesis that disordered self and interpersonal functioning in BPD result, in part, from impairments in “embodied mentalization,” that manifest foundationally as alterations in minimal embodied selfhood, i.e. the first-person experience of being an individuated embodied subject. This account of BPD, which engages early intersubjective experiences has the potential to integrate phenomenological, developmental, and symptomatic findings in BPD, and is consistent with contemporary theories of brain function.

“disturbances in self and other mental representations are fundamental to borderline psychopathology” (p.514). Similarly, Kerr et al. (Kerr et al., 2015) calls for a “reconceptualization” of BPD as “a disorder of self and relationality” (p.346). Interpersonal symptoms can include confusion about self-other boundaries with identity diffusion, projection of difficult affects onto interaction partners. One person with BPD evokes a bodily experience of this confusion (italics added):

(So this is from one person and what they have said but it hit me 100%!)

When I’m around other people, I can feel their energy. I can feel whether they’re happy or unhappy. I can walk into a room and feel whether there’s tension in the air or if everyone is getting along… Having my own identity issues makes it even harder to be around certain people. I feel other people’s emotions so strongly that sometimes, I believe they are my own (Mae, 2017).

PLANS For Next Episode:
So I am thinking I will go further into this study and talk about it more on the next episode, one of the last things they talked about in the study is that while bpd
“ remains in current classification systems and can be reliably diagnosed. A considerable body of research on self and BPD has accrued, including a recent profusion and confluence of neuroscientific and socio psychological findings. These have generated supporting evidence for a supra-ordinate, functionally constituted entity of the self ranging over multiple, interacting levels from an unconscious, ‘core’ self, through to a reflective, phenotypic, ‘idiographic’ and relational self constituted by interpersonal and sociocultural experience.

I am listening to many people that have been diagnosed with BPD on reddit and other websites that focus on psychology or mental health. I ventured to one site called themighty.com and found an interesting article entitled “25 PEOPLE SHARE THE WORST SYMPTOMS OF BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER”

One of the responses from James said that his worst symptom was this…

“No sense of self. I went through so many majors in college and I am constantly second guessing myself. Do I really want to do this with my life? What about this instead? This looks better let’s do this. It’s tiring for myself and everyone around me. I’ll finally settle on something and then something better will come along and I jump ship.”(quote from Themighty.com)

I believe people that are highly sensitive to their environment look externally for the correct response, because we were the ones to keep environments from becoming too chaotic during important moments of development. We weren’t given appropriate space and time to figure out the things we like/dislike, or what we really feel. We were more than likely always told how to feel, or “to get over it!”

Challenge:

The challenge that I would like to put out for this week is to use TRUTH as much as possible, rely on yourself to make those decisions, stay present, focus on listening to yourself, make a list if you have too. But the challenge is to be honest about what you want, and what you need. And I think that is a good challenge for this week and I think it will pull you to a better place of SELF AWARENESS.

CLOSING: Thanks so much for tuning in… We have come to the end of the podcast. What did you learn? Who can you share this podcast with? If this resonates with your spirit or makes you think of a certain someone that has experienced similar issues in their life, please share this with them. I believe mental health is something we are overlooking on a massive scale, and in order for people to heal we need to be able to speak about this openly and honestly.

…Until next time… Choose truth, goodness and love Closing:

Fighting BPD…

How real is this statement in your life?

“The chronic emptiness and lack of identity. I am a ghost, stitched together with fragments of those I’ve known throughout my life. I pick apart their personality, and create this sort of ugly Frankenstein…I, even at the age of 26, still do not know who I am or what I like/dislike. There’s nothing more harrowing or isolating.” —(from themighty.com)PwBPD Yasmin A.

Bless you Yasmin. Thanks for sharing this. It touched my heart in a way I didn’t expect. I hope the following words help those that feel the same way.

I just want to share some positive thoughts about these “BPD things” we do flawlessly & without any real effort to do so.

Yes, we are fragmented in our emotions, we had to resort to this to survive, because we are highly sensitive to the emotions of others. We tend to absorb reactions, all of them (even the ones that haven’t happened yet.) Which means we often pick up the slightest differences in someone’s mood. We feel let down when others can’t do this for us as naturally as we do, and sadly we need it a lot.

Yes, We mirror in order to be received by our POI (person of interest) who was so intriguing, that they were able to awaken our curiosity. They in one way or another offered us a new & different approach to the world.
You allow yourself to absorb the parts of their personality that attracted you to them. During this process we may find some parts we don’t approve of or we may even attach too much value to the little bit of attractive personality they offered us. Either way, we tend to discard them because to love someone fully is painful. We understand that they don’t love like we do on a cellular level.

We will sabotage any relationship either to test the durability or to get them to move on.

Yes, we love big & we shower our POI with all the attention and love that we are just wanting to be reciprocated. A matched intensity.

We aren’t the bad monster in this world. We aren’t the “Frankenstein” unless you are consciously choosing to cycle through these emotional hurricanes without taking inventory of what it is you are actually seeking .

We were broken at times in our lives when we should have been protected. Our high sensitivities to people and situations was established on a subconscious level to protect us from further harm.

We are able to survive most any situation and get a long with any type of person.

We wear an emotional blanket that we have “stitched” together to act as an added layer of protection from the world that taught us early on that you need to be many things in order to make it out alive. (So we absorb various personality traits.)

You aren’t the monster. We have been trying to find the most useful personality, because at some point in our lives we received the message that ours wasn’t enough.

We have a lot of emotional sensitivities that allow us to persevere through intense & tough situations, not to mention doing all of this with an intensity and passion that can make other’s heads spin

We are highly perceptive to what the needs of others are, because we were conditioned to take care of the external & surrounding chaos at some point in life.

People that have been involved with a PwBPD would love to paint us as the monster, but maybe we are just mirroring & exposing all of the things they would like to remain hidden. We become what they aren’t pleased with and when that picture settles and the image comes through they “feel” that we have somehow changed them or abused them. No, in most every case we take the intentional beating and intentional abuse in order to protect others. I have learned, the toxicity I dish out happens after I have had my fill of disrespect or complete disregard of my thoughts or opinions. I honestly believe That those suffering from a brain disorder has taken the blame for too long.
I’m now no longer fighting the world. I’m fighting my brain for control. I will no longer let my innate and toxic defense mechanisms rule my life. They are kept in check by fiercely and persistently staying present.

Be a monster if you have to, but realize the war for you is internal.

(I’m now seeking me!) I’ve given every person I’ve ever met the opportunity to show me something good.

The better we are at seeking our authentic selves. The more equipped we arrive to the battle.

Life is a struggle, we were trying to live it by seeking comfort in a world that doesn’t understand how uncomfortable we are all making it. Thinking that we should seek comfort is one of the first lies we need to eradicate from our beliefs. Get uncomfortable, we aren’t monsters… We are fighters! Love you Yasmin, and anyone else that is fighting a battle!

New Podcast Episode Spotify world in black and white

Season 1 Episode 6

Title of Episode: BPD Examples & Strategies

Listen on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/7MnjV95DqMYh03cV5SvSgE?si=KONG6VeWRM24fP3xrYM9Iw

Intro:

Hello and welcome to “The World in Black and White”My name is Michelle and I’m the narrator and creator of this podcast.

Vision for the podcast:

I want to also make listeners aware of help that is available Call one of these numbers or text them to find help. I pray you always find someone there to pull you up.

You can call or text 988.

Announcements:

There are no new announcements this week so I thought I’d share a fun and easy recipe.

Happy “Everyone is eating Turkey Leftovers”Day!
My family has kept a lovely tradition of eating “Feast Sandwiches” on this day for the past couple of years… Find that recipe below! (Definitely not diet friendly)

Take remaining ingredients from the thanksgiving feast…

Shredded Turkey
Stuffing
Cranberry sauce or mild pepper jelly
Brioche sliced bread
Brie cheese (spreadable)

Toast some French brioche bread,

add jelly or cranberry sauce to toast, then cover with stuffing and turkey. Finally, top with Brie cheese crumbled *or try what I am this year and use the spreadable brie cheese for your top piece of toast, then place in preheated oven of 350* to warm up your “feast sandwiches” for about 10 minutes.

If you don’t appreciate that incredible culinary treat you should consider giving your taste buds away, as you may not be using them correctly. (Humor-Defense Mechanism, just in case you don’t like the sandwich, you might still come back to hear bad jokes. 🙂

Just saying! It’s an amazing f’n sandwich, sides may vary!

Another helpline available through the National Alliance for Mental Illness is 800-950-6264 or text “HelpLine” to 62640

SPLITTING:

So today… The topic I’d like to focus on this week, is how to get a handle on splitting. I will discuss a Reddit thread I found that allows me to walk you through the experience of splitting. I will try to explain how implementing better coping & self-awareness strategies will help the person with BPD to be better equipped in order to handle the emotional episodes that can be caused after splitting. And I will talk about some of the ways that those that are around people with this disorder can help create a better environment for all.

So we discovered just a few episodes before this one, that splitting occurs most often during times where the BPD feels that abandonment is about to occur or has occurred, that’s when it is most apparent. However; splitting occurs even when there is no threat of abandonment. Wow! Glad we created a narrow avenue for this defense mechanism to occur. (Humor/Sarcasm-most used defense mechanism)

I found a good example of splitting for those that are still unaware of how something small can end up being all that is required for someone or something to earn a label as “all bad” or “all good” . This labeling occurred after only a tiny bit of social interaction, which most borderlines generally crave. (*Here is a little hint, we crave positive social interaction.)

So, since bringing this podcast into existence, I have given more intensity to my research time on Borderline Personality Disorder. This past time has been a ritual of mine since getting my diagnosis in 2017. Just so all of my listeners know… I am poor in the social media arena, meaning I don’t use a lot of social media platforms. I have my blog on WordPress, my podcast, and now Reddit. Washing my hands of most social media was a personal decision after realizing that having tiktok, facebook and instagram were just a huge time suck for me, but it wasn’t really good for my mental health. I do believe most social media platforms aren’t healthy for a person with BPD, but I will save that topic for another day.

I stumbled onto Reddit again a couple of weeks ago, and my previous and only experience with reddit was super brief. If I were to give it a relationship status, it would have just been a one-night stand. (Humor- Defense Mechanism)Why so brief?

I painted the whole site “bad” after a negative experience on a subreddit. Now, after becoming more knowledgeable about all the places one can go in the land of Reddit, I have reassigned it from “evil” to “good” being that it is a treasure trove of information for the person dealing with bpd and other people that have experienced being in relationships with individuals dealing with BPD.

How did my initial experience with Reddit become a good example of splitting?

Well, here is that story…

My first experience with Reddit made me feel like it was being run by a bunch of political bots. I had made one comment, on a subreddit for Oklahoma. The comment I made to the original post wasn’t political, but the reaction I received was the prefabricated response served to the public from the media, during that time. My comment was then given a political meaning, even though I wasn’t trying to divide or hurt anyone with my comment. What was the comment you might be asking now?

I said, “We all need to agree that EVERYONE matters.” I think you know what might have happened after making that statement. If you do understand, thanks for comprehending that I just don’t want to live in a place divided by politics and personal choice and all of that.

Anyways, I had stuck my toe into the water of Reddit, and for me, it was an icy cold reception. So obviously, being blessed with BPD, I didn’t interact with that “evil” site for an entire year. (There’s Avoidance)

The first response I had received after one comment was all the evidence I needed to paint that site as evil for nearly a year. I am happy to report that I must have grown some over this last year, because I decided to give Reddit another shot.

Now everyone is caught up with how I currently view Reddit.

I entered the letters BPD in the subreddit search bar and immediately came across a few accounts to explore. The first subreddit, r/BorderlinePDisorder, was ok, and I felt good here, nothing too extreme. Nothing stood out to me saying watch out this place is toxic. Or anything, you know how it works, you push forward and dig a little deeper. One of the threads that led me to my next subreddit, was a post that said “It’s very BPD of us to have so many different bpd subreddits.That is all. LOL” It was here, that I discovered a subreddit called, r/BPDlovedones. I am sure there are more levels to this, but I stopped on this one, because it can help to prove my point about BPD and the ways we choose to label something as “safe=good” or “unsafe=EVIL”

OK, so we have established it is a safe place where I can now go to read. I’ll read, collect any information I deem useful, about this disorder, then I’ll think about it non-stop about what each memorable comment might actually mean that I encountered during my browsing and try to understand it from their perspective

I am a little angry that there are 66,000 people on this subreddit that agree that it is ok to sweep all BPD individuals into the same pile and speak as if BPD means “Bad People Daily”

There needs to be a major discussion about all the things that have to occur for a person to be diagnosed with BPD. So many of these things can be prevented or helped. It takes a more compassionate society. I don’t know if the United States could achieve that level of compassion.

We expect someone with the disorder to just be better.

We are talking about genetic coding, absent or neglectful parents, abusive or toxic environments that grew these individuals. All of these things were experienced during their most critical times of development.

The thing that bothered me the most about this is the word LOVED.

If you are loved, what is there left to vent about?

Most of what I read on that subreddit thread, could be summed up like this… “Please be normal so my life can be more comfortable and people can see me as the good person I am because I have to deal with your crazy ass.” (HUMOR- Defense Mechanism)

They want the BPD to just be better and get with the program. So then this question popped into my head.

Would you expect a war veteran that had suffered a brain injury due to flying shrapnel penetrating through their skull into their brain, to just have a few days of R&R then get right back into the battle? Would you expect them to just get up after putting a bandage on it at the combat support hospital and go back into battle, to start kicking ass again? Or would you say. “Hey, Hey! What are you doing? Here… Hey, let me help you.” (Intellectualization – this is a Healthy Defense Mechanism)

We often send people with mental health bandages, yet leaving the scars and the shrapnel still lodged inside the brain. If you want your BPD loved one to get better, you might need to be prepared for what that mental surgery might require. This isn’t a “hey let’s go to counseling a few times a week and pretend to be better” situation. This is a legit brain disorder. Be kind to them and show that you have a genuine desire to see them healthy & that will make it easier for them to pull the wall down to expose their vulnerable self.

So the person dealing with the brain disorder is expected to cure themselves? The doctors can’t figure it out, so you should just do it yourself? So everyone feels validated by blaming the BPD for not getting better.

Would you expect a dog that has been abused for years to just wag its tail and be a good dog after a few meals and a good bath? That dog is going to need serious rehabilitation and a consistent and loving caretaker in order to change the way it sees humans, and the dog brain is smaller than ours, but has the same major components that humans have.Dogs have the ability to remember and learn. I think based off of what I have seen from society humans are generally more kind to the animal, after someone has abused it. We are less kind to humans that have suffered similar maltreatment. We think they should be capable of going out and doing whatever they need to do in order to survive. But the underlying issue for the abused BPD isn’t that they don’t want to get better, the underlying issue is that their brain is not properly delivering the message that they need to get better,

So just like that poor dog has learned through its experiences, so has the BPD.

For people with BPD, splitting may be a way to manage conflicting emotions.

Experts do not fully understand the causes of BPD, but research points to several different potential causes

Years of trauma, genetic design created a few severe problems in the brain. Minor and major character flaws arise because of the fact too many or too little chemicals are being released for them. They don’t fully trust anyone and are always on high alert waiting for the shit to hit the fan.

Why? That is what their brain does… the past trauma has taught them not to trust and anytime that trauma is triggered they are overwhelmed with too many toxic chemicals in the brain

The person with Borderline that you just want to be normal, are trying to be normal, they are trying to live in a place full of critics and judgment, that offer no real compassion. Major things that the BPD is highly sensitive to. They are trying to maintain some sense of normal every second of every day. They have nothing in their command center working normally. But yet, since they are expected to just be normal, they play that role. This is not their fault, it is in fact due to faulty wiring and miscommunication with the chemicals being released into the body. Based on what I have read, people with BPD more than likely are dealing with high levels of cortisol being released into their body as well.

I recently had a saliva test done to check my hormone levels. My body was producing 3 times the normal amount of CORTISOL right before bed. My levels increase throughout the day… they are supposed to decrease. The doctor advised that I take a supplement called Cortisolv and I have noticed a decrease in my anxiety during the day, and that has been a blessing.

Byte of Insight:I found this study to be interesting…

Defense mechanisms are mental operations that disguise or otherwise modify the content of the mind and/or the perception of reality.” Such psychological techniques aim to protect us from negative and difficult emotions, ideas and motives. The study explains that the working of these mechanisms is generally unconscious or unknown to the individual as it functions effectively only if the individual is ‘unaware of the deception’. However, given the distortions involved, the development of defense mechanisms may conflict with the existence of the individual’s view of internal or external reality.

Strategy 1:

A meaningful attempt at seeing it from the other person’s point of view, is actually trying to feel that, and then you notice those emotions in yourself. It’s not that you’re not capable of feeling those emotions. It’s usually that you have such a rush of emotions, it’s hard to identify which one trumps the other. So it’s just a whole bunch of different feelings all jumbled together.

Strategy 2:

Think about that I am expecting people to just accept me with all this stuff I have to deal with. I’m like you guys just accept this, because dammit it’s good!! HAHAHAHA! We have that idea sometimes about ourselves and then ok, so I am expecting this forgiveness for everything and then you only give somebody two chances to get it right. That has kind of helped me understand when I am splitting… I need to,not leave myself wide open without boundaries…but say “Hey is it this bad, or is it kind of ok? Is this something you can live with? Is this something that you can forgive?” That forgiveness part is so huge. Even if you don’t do everything correctly or you miss it, and you labeled someone as really really good and they turned out to be bad, it’s ok! Forgive yourself. If you messed up,,, you’re not all bad. Ok? I feel like that needs to be said. Just because we mess up does not define us.

Strategy 3:

One of the other strategies I like to do is really ground myself in moments and I like to anchor it to past events. There are moments that I do kind of like come to, like 100% fully in the moment and I am just like “OMG, look at how much time has passed!” You know? & So I’ve kinda been trying to make those moments happen more frequently, so I can really start to take advantage of my time. Because I feel like the main thing this disorder does and nobody talks about this, is the absence of the person. They are literally in their heads so much that they can’t interact on this very physical realm. Ya know so… I think I have been working on bringing myself to those present moments a lot more.

The last thing I wanted to say, is for those people that actually have a loved one that has bpd… Ya know we are so thankful for you, and the love and the understanding and the constant forgiveness you have to bestow upon a person with bpd is extraordinary. It is extraordinary, and I say that just based off of my own life mistakes and my own relationship mistakes and my own parenting mistakes. I could just keep going on and on with the list, because we’re not perfect, no one is! However incredibly difficult it is to express that love and appreciation for you, for that loved one. We are grateful that you are in our lives… And you know, we love you and we are thankful for that compassion and that understanding.

…Until next time… Choose truth, goodness and love

Want more understanding about living with Borderline Personality Disorder…

A Brief Look at My Life with Borderline Personality Disorder | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness

Mental Health Myth Busters: Borderline Personality Disorder | NAMI

Challenge: keep a journal, it helps!

Season 1 Episode 5

SPLITTING, Part II

Listen now on SPOTIFY
https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/pxPF5d853ub

Intro:

Hello and welcome to “The World in Black and White”My name is Michelle and I’m the narrator and creator of this podcast.

Vision for the podcast:

I want to also make listeners aware of help that is available Call one of these numbers or text them to find help. I pray you always find someone there to pull you up.

You can call or text 988.

Another helpline available through the National Alliance for Mental Illness is 800-950-6264 or text “HelpLine” to 62640

Announcements:

I am very excited to share some news with you all about an exceptional individual that I have just recently booked to be my first guest on our podcast. Her name is Imi Lo, she is an author, psychotherapist, and life coach. I have only recently discovered her while doing research over Borderline Personality Disorder. She first caught my attention with a long essay she wrote called “Positive Traits of BPD | Therapy and Coaching BPD (eggshelltherapy.com)

I am halfway through her audiobook, it is looking at Borderline as an emotional gift rather than a disorder. The title of that audiobook is “Emotional Sensitivity and Intensity: How to manage intense emotions as a highly sensitive person” You should definitely look her up and check out her other books and youtube videos. She is for sure an impressive guest and we feel so blessed to have her scheduled as our 1st guest speaker on our podcast. Thank you Imi Lo, I can’t wait to get your feedback on a few questions. I will announce the date as soon as we have one confirmed.

I have recently reached out to become a partner with NAMI, or the National Alliance for Mental Illness, to establish our school campus as one that will show compassion for those dealing with mental illness. I went to the NAMI website and requested that information and I am now awaiting details to get that going. I will be an advocate for anyone dealing with mental health issues.

Splitting Part 2:

Last week, I began discussing splitting and what that might mean to any person, especially a person dealing with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. This week, I will continue to dive into what defense mechanisms may look like in real life, and I will provide a few personal examples from my own life wherein splitting occurred. I will end with my thoughts on splitting and how it affects the BPD.. I did first want to acknowledge that splitting often occurs when the person dealing with BPD senses a relationship loss or that fear of abandonment. Any relationship is important for the borderline. Even the relationships that aren’t part of their daily life. Any event that activates the fear of abandonment for the person with BPD will trigger splitting.

First I want to look back at the results of my defense mechanism quiz I’ll take a closer look at the ones where I received a higher score. If you listened to my previous episodes, I shared the results of my defense mechanism quiz, and the one I scored the highest on was regression, with 80. AHHHHHHH! That surprised me…This one is categorized as a primitive defense mechanism. Coming in 2nd was repression at 40, and then tied for third, three ways are displacement, reaction formation, and compensation. I was initially thinking that I used a lot of healthy defense mechanisms, like humor or assertiveness. It appears my subconscious has held onto more than a handful of not so healthy defense mechanisms to use as weapons in the moments where I feel threatened.

Ok, so it sounds as though more times than not, I find myself in a state of regression, this happens when being confronted with a situation or person that doesn’t align with my expectations of that person or event. The person I find that fails to meet my expectations the most… is me. When I fail to meet my own expectations, I don’t focus on how to correct mistakes and get better. I focus on how my inability to meet those expectations validates my feelings of being a failure. I don’t know how true this is, but this might explain my constant need to find something I am good at. During that process of “trying new things” I will no doubt discover a lot of disappointment, especially when I haven’t given myself appropriate or realistic expectations for learning this new skill. An example of not setting realistic expectations for myself can be clearly seen by how I behaved and performed at a recent Co-Ed softball game.

When I talked about my lack of skills with my husband after the game…and after he shook his head several times at me in disbelief, he calmly said “It is for fun, and if you aren’t having fun, you need to quit.” He wasn’t wrong, but at the time… I felt he wanted me to quit. That he didn’t understand all that was upsetting me and that he was being insensitive to me during my time of perceived failure. Of course, after giving myself time to calm down, I could see that he didn’t say that he wanted me to quit. I also know now that he did in fact just wanted me to have some fun, and that he was just looking out for my mental health.

It is crazy how different I see things when I am not looking at them through the eyes of emotional dysfunction. I can clearly see now that I was asking my body to perform at a level I haven’t ever trained for and expecting this from a much older body, at 40 years old. Why would I put those types of expectations on myself? The simple answer: It is my desire to be pleasing. Even though my wise mind or logical mind realizes that it is quite impossible to be pleasing at all times to everyone. Ok, so we have discussed regression along with a personal example. I am sure there are a million other ways I express regression throughout my life, but this one was fresh and it explicitly shows my child-like response to an event where I didn’t perform to my expectations.

In 2nd place, repression with 40. I know I repress a lot. I assume I do this a lot, basically because I don’t have a very good memory of my life. This defense mechanism is categorized as less primitive.

The definition of repression is unconsciously keeping feelings, thoughts, or memories out of your awareness. It is done to protect ourselves from the anxiety or fear related to those memories. Because it’s done without our intention, the person has little control over the blocking of the memories. The blocked memories remain in our subconscious minds and continue to influence our feelings and behavior.

Repression is done without my control so if this happens at a score of 40 it means that my brain is doing this in some form or fashion to keep me feeling safe so i guess my brain is thinking it is helping me but in the long run I wish I could just remember stuff.

Now that I am more informed of the inner workings of my brain, realizing that my reactions are a direct result of a chemical response that occurs when I have been threatened with abandonment, I’m not just some girl living with a disorder. I choose to push my mental and emotional capacities to fight this disorder with the intent being on mindfulness and a hyper-focused awareness of my brain’s ability to express these natural and sometimes destructive responses.

I have recognized my brain’s primitive ability to use maladaptive coping strategies or defense mechanisms automatically. My brain was reacting to events without consideration of the outcomes . I can see the error in the ways I have tried to handle relationship issues in the past. I have moments now where I acknowledge my emotional response to an overwhelming event. Instead of trying to control the situation or let my fear override my ability to just talk calmly and express my feelings. I acknowledge that this response is not the response I want my body to produce. I let the chemicals that are being dispersed by the command center (my brain) to course through my veins. When my head finally returns to a more calm & clear headspace I try to address the “overwhelming event” that sent me into an emotional spiral. When I can’t recall things now and have no working memory of it or feel overly emotional, I just say “My brain is being mean to me!” it is, and it is doing it without my permission. So…Thanks chemicals

Tied for 3rd is compensation, reaction formation and displacement… to put them all in one mean little basket. I tend to be an “asshole bully that will highlight my good qualities to hide my flaws” when pushed to my limits. Compensation means I have a tendency to overcompensate in situations where I feel either unfamiliar or incompetent. For reaction formation I will redirect attention to what I have done correctly, to divert attention from my mistakes. Lastly, displacement. I really hate that I have a tendency to do this when I feel attacked or threatened, because this means I am dishing out to some poor undeserving soul. This defense mechanism makes me kind of sound like a bully. Where you take out your emotional baggage on someone that is not as frightening as the one that made you feel threatened. The situation that came to mind instantly was of a kid getting beat at home and then taking that rage out on the runt at school. I don’t condone bullying, so I will have to be hypervigilant about this tendency.

I will end with my thoughts on splitting and how it affects the BPD, The BPD person is categorizing every action. Sorting people and events as they happen to the BPD. The BPD compares the responses and interactions to their desired expectation for the person or event. The only acceptable reaction from a person in a relationship with the BPD is one that will not make the BPD look or feel unwanted or undesirable. If this desired expectation isn’t met, one may still be categorized as ok or good, but if this behavior happens repetitively, where the involved person consistently doesn’t meet this expectation for the BPD or completely lets the BPD down or intentionally hurts the BPD. I have no doubt that splitting will occur, the BPD will paint the perceived perpetrator as a pure negative or even an all evil individual, only capable of hating the person with BPD. The BPD is not in control when this delegation of evil occurs. The splitting and painting black will continue to occur for the person dealing with BPD unless they try to logically understand what is taking place in the moment of emotional dysregulation. I can honestly tell you that this is a very very difficult thing to do. I have found that once a person has been painted black, it is very difficult to remove the label the BPD has given them, but it is not impossible. The person that they had previously adored, loved and placed on a pedestal can still become their loving partner once again, however it is a long and difficult journey for the person involved with a BPD.

First the person with BPD becomes avoidant of their feelings for their partner. Then they must convince themselves that they were right to divert their trust, love and attention from that person. They become foreign to their actual feelings for their partner because to stay and feel their true feelings about the emotional situation is too overwhelming for their brain to handle in the conscious, so it suppresses their feelings. I am speaking honestly about how this has played out in my life over and over again and have not conducted any studies to make my statements move from my personal hypothesis to fact, but what I can assure you is that if the perceived perpetrator stays in the relationship long enough to prove their unconditional love and commitment to their partner the stronger the likelihood that the BPD can acknowledge their actual reality and start to make progress & to better understand the parts of their disorder they have no control over and focus more on the ones that they can control. I now know that when I am upset with my partner because he didn’t say or do what I expected them to say or do to provide some sort of positive message to me is not anything to get overly emotional about or to log in the “bad bank” as evidence that they will eventually grow to hate you and leave you. It happens first with splitting, painting them as bad, the BPD will cut off all feelings of emotion and discard the entire relationship.

The constant labeling and categorizing isn’t fun for the BPD; it is something the brain is doing with expert level automaticity. Once someone is painted black or compartmentalized as a “bad thing” it is up to the BPD to remove that label and work at a realistic observation of the person. It is very much due to the dichotomous thinking of the BPD and it is very hard to have lasting relationships and friendships while dealing with this type of brain disorder. It makes those around you walk on eggshells especially if they are aware of your tendencies because they don’t want to be labeled as bad. The irony in all of this is I really don’t judge people by their mistakes, I guess I only judge them by met or unmet expectations.

Next week, we will talk about some of the strategies I have used to help me move beyond some of the hurdles splitting caused in my life, and hopefully some of those strategies will be of some use to you as well.

Challenge for the week:Last week’s challenge was taking the defense mechanism quiz, that link is added in the description for easier access for listeners. If you weren’t able to take that quiz last week, you should take it now. It doesn’t take long and you might learn something about yourself. The challenge for this week is to move outside of your comfort zone in at least one area of your life. Challenge yourself to confront something you might be uncomfortable with, and see if the results you need to achieve are achieved. To give you some examples I will tell you a few things I have done lately that have pushed me outside of my comfort zone. I went out with a group of friends that asked me to a group dinner spontaneously, we had an awesome time and became instant friends with that group. I am assuming they feel the same way right now, but I did get a very warm and inviting feeling from each of them. That was out of the norm for me. New people make me anxious. The other things that I have decided to do that have pushed me out of my comfort zone is starting kickboxing and playing on a co-ed softball team with my husband and his co-workers. What I have learned time and time again is that you can either catastrophize any event before it actually occurs or you can just give it your best and find out something interesting about your ability to move beyond that which is comfortable. SO DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR YOUR SPIRIT THAT IS OUTSIDE OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE! You may surprise yourself.

CLOSING: Thanks so much for tuning in… We have come to the end of the podcast. What did you learn? Who can you share this podcast with? If this resonates with your spirit or makes you think of a certain someone that has experienced similar issues in their life, please share this with them. I believe mental health is something we are overlooking on a massive scale, and in order for people to heal we need to be able to speak about this openly and honestly.

…Until next time… Choose truth, goodness and love!

Want more understanding about living with Borderline Personality Disorder…

A Brief Look at My Life with Borderline Personality Disorder | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness

Mental Health Myth Busters: Borderline Personality Disorder | NAMI

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