We came back to our classrooms full of mold after the quickest summer break I’ve ever had. It’s been non-stop cleaning ever since.
Every year, I find myself evaluating my life’s journey as my birthday approaches. This year will be the last year in my thirties. I don’t think 40 is that old, now that I’m sitting so terribly close to it. I look at all the things I have experienced over the last 300+ days of my 38th year and try to evaluate all the ways I could have been a better person, while quietly celebrating the times I am sure I did my very best.
Dissolving the lens I once used to look at myself, helped to initiate a sudden series of revelations. Removing this lens allowed an opportunity to meet my true self. At first, I began to see who I had always been. The innocence that I thought I had lost, resurfaced, reminding me that it had never left. The curiosity, I used when exploring my world as a child, gained intensity. The biggest inner transformation occurred when I decided to accept all of my mistakes.
I mean all of my mistakes, the big ones, the small ones, the consistent mistakes, and my future mistakes. I forgave myself with the most simple of intentions. I recognized that I was already forgiven, the only living soul without sin, the man with a flawless record, had not only forgiven me, he painfully & selflessly sacrificed his body without deserving any of it. He took my lashings, he bled for me. He wept for me. He died for me.
If he could forgive me, then it would be a “perfect” thing for me to also forgive my past transgressions as well as any future transgressions. I thought deeply about his physical sacrifice, the pain he endured on my behalf. All so that I could be saved, and instead of choosing to live within this gift of eternal blessings, I was choosing to live in the physical pain of sin. He knew long before you & I were ever born that ALL humans would need this absolute forgiveness. I started chipping away the deception I had lived in most of my life. The idea that I wasn’t enough. A lie! The idea that I was not created with a purpose. A lie! The idea that I was set to live out the path my mother had cleared for me. A lie! The idea that I couldn’t be a messenger for God because of my sins. A lie! The idea that my soul was lost or confused. A lie! I began to rebuke the lies. I began to tell myself the truth. I began to love myself, not in a selfish way, but in the way I could finally see my soul as not being perfect, but as a soul that was formed and yet still worthy of His only son’s sacrifice. You are worthy of forgiveness and that was why such a huge sacrifice was necessary, a perfect sacrifice for a multitude of sins.
With a large dose of truth & pure light I began to forgive myself… I noticed that I was no longer just a blossom, but a beautiful bouquet of self-love.
This past year has awakened me in more ways than I ever thought possible. Each day bringing new & welcomed challenges, as well as a new level of self-awareness. Becoming self-aware unlocked some deeply buried potential. This higher-level of awareness began to absolve the negative lens I had used to view my life. Looking back now, I can clearly see that this had been the singular lens in which I had been looking through while trying to find purpose in my life. It is difficult to find your truth and your purpose when the view is covered in lies (the negative lens).
I became acutely aware of boundaries I had permitted to be crossed and broken, I became aware of my detachment from the meaningful parts of life, and learned of the places in which to apply necessary boundaries. I searched myself for all the pain and injury from my past that I had allowed to reside in my spirit, and began to write eviction notices. I had carried them all for far too long. Childhood trauma, you can leave! You are evicted. I don’t need you. I can take care of myself now, as well as I take care of my own children. (This required a lot of forgiveness and a huge release of carried resentment that I felt as it physically detached from my spirit.) I grieved each time I evicted past injuries. I had to intentionally set aside time to forgive the people that I felt had taken advantage of my kindness, my innocence, my goodness! I had found that I had subconsciously held onto this pain for most of my adult life as justification for my own errors. I had been living life like some sort of weary traveler, loaded down with negative feelings, thoughts and emotions.
I now have a greater understanding of myself & that there will always be things that I encounter that I will try to hold onto, and I can at times be better served by just relenting my control. If you are like me, you may try to control most things in your life, so to release this control can be very challenging. Learning to let things go can be a painful exercise, understanding that we are unable to direct specific or certain outcomes can be comparable to cutting off one’s own leg. I had to figure out where my ability to change things began/ended. The moment I became aware of myself and the parameters of my influence. I began to better understand and give proper respect to the outermost boundaries of my influence. This helped me relinquish the control I once held onto so tightly. A firm grip is not long lasting. My firm grip would soon lead to the loss of any type of grip allowing moments for everything to spiral out of control. I’d find myself completely exhausted, waking among the aftermath of the storm, I had created.
I didn’t know how to find me, and instead of broadening my search, I kept looking in the same old places. I kept looking for me in other people. No one knew what I was looking for or that I had felt I had been a missing person. It was easier not to explain my search… not to ask who they thought I was? Secretly, I would search my surroundings and people I had been around to find what I alone had been hiding. Who am I? What did I want? What was my purpose?
For the longest time I couldn’t distinguish between the things I’d done to please others versus what I actually wanted. I know I’ve made decisions in the past prescribing to a life that is better for everyone. These decisions however wise, left me feeling proud and yet confused. Some passing moments or events would cause me to question my motives. It was only when I would seek the stillness and the quiet that I could realize my purpose. I’d realize my heart. Some memories swirl tirelessly there. Kept guarded internally, so I can keep them safe. The heart/soul, is a vast container of all that is good, it holds everything that is dear, it also contains and provides love.
My mind can often be confused by the sacrificing of self, (My flesh). It is only when we have removed the flesh can we discover our spirit. My soul will seek to understand His will, my self will seek to understand my own will. When I relinquish control now I do so confidently knowing that my purpose is to fulfill His will and not my own. Remarkably, with this understanding you realize nothing brings greater spiritual fruit. My own happiness grows through acknowledging my spiritual purpose. Love Abides in me and I am in Love with who “I Am”!
Praying for peace during these uncertain times! Remember, you belong, you have a purpose and know that you are loved! Thanks for reading!
This morning was a first for me… I posted a TikTok… that I couldn’t share with my brother, because it was “Under Review” it’s now been under review over half an hour, and I am baffled.
I’m pretty sure it is the fact that in it I am voicing that our real opponent in this battle are “powers and principalities.”
Or it could have been the part where I wrote “I have already been to war to bring LIBERTY to those in a different country. Yes, I will protect the freedoms of We The People”
Maybe it was the part that said Warriors, REBUKE greed, insanity, perversion?
You be the judge…
Or maybe it was putting the motto I learned while serving in the Army from my chosen MOS, Chaplain Assistant. “Pro Deo Et Patria!” on the end, which literally means… “For God and Country!”
There is so much power in prayer, praise, and our words that’s why people are being censored! 🤬
Keep praying, stand steadfast be prepared… this is just the beginning.
God Bless everyone!
I had this crazy idea a couple of weeks ago to start a series on the U. S. Constitution. I thought it would help me process my thoughts about what is happening in our country & about the importance of the Constitution. This would also offer an opportunity for me to teach the things I have learned. It is, after all, what I do. I do understand now how important it is for ALL of us to be diligent in our duties as citizens. To highlight the importance of our unyielding support and defense of the Constitution. There are worse things I could do with my time…
Upon my 🧐 research I found YouTube videos that explain the Bill Of Rights and videos that explain the history behind our founding documents in more detail. I even enrolled in free online course about the U.S. Constitution through Hillsdale College. You can find that website below.
It has taken a lot of patience to sort through all of the things that we are given upon being born a U.S. citizen, but even more patience to try and understand why someone would want the opposite ideas our founders set out to create for our country centuries ago. Our government and it’s defining documents were given to this country two hundred years ago to help maintain & outline our liberties. Our current population of citizens are divided in this understanding about the true purpose of our government body. We should be working to constantly maintain order among our officials and to always seek an increased understanding of the Constitution . Not to see which side of the aisle should have power. It shouldn’t be a constant battle of “tug of war.” There are only two sides, meaning we may function more divinely within the middle ground.
Duties and Rights of U.S. Citizens
What I have found…
Well, I finally finished it… here it is. Enjoy! Episode II
This past year has had many hits… and the hits they just keep on a coming! There have been the obvious obstacles that people generally trudge through day to day, some people with complaint, while others try to stay optimistic in the hopes that these obstacles only rear their ugly heads temporarily. It seems as though the obstacles we have collided with are much larger than anything we could have ever imagined. It’s no longer the low-paying job, it’s the low-paying job that demands that you stay home without pay to quarantine because of a likely exposure to COVID. It’s no longer only worrying about how the kids will get to school, now it’s worrying how the kids will get an education, when there is no way to access internet, and barely enough money to keep the electricity on. It’s no longer just car problems, now it’s the worry of most travel being banned. The rent being due, even though you are no longer able to work because small businesses can no longer stay open. Churches everywhere were forced to close their doors. What grows in a place of worship? Perhaps all things needed to survive the fear a pandemic brings, faith, hope and love. A place of worship (any denomination) provides a safe place for all people to connect as a collective body to meditate on hope for a better tomorrow. Life, the way in which we had grown accustomed and complacent with was flipped over, tossed upside down, with it’s ass exposed in 2020. Most individuals, regular everyday-joes, have been in a critical battle against most of these “bad situations” in order to survive. Now add on top of all of that the misuse and abuse of political powers.
Some of the things I just mentioned above are all very real effects of Covid-19, and I didn’t even mention the muzzling of the masses with mandatory masks. While these effects have been brutal to many people all across the globe. This is a message to everyone to stay quiet. Well… I can no longer stay quiet.
A very real disease has infected the walls of our U.S. Government. The symptoms are present, it has created fierce division among parties. Disruption of information with censorship and silencing of any opposing political ideology, are happening daily to quiet them. If this disease remains left untreated these symptoms may lead to more fatal consequences for our Constitution and our once “semi-free” way of life.
I have not yet lived on earth 40 years and within that short time much has changed, but the most rapid changes are the obvious attacks on our Constitution, limiting our given and protected liberties. This has taken place within the past few months, in broad daylight, protected from investigation and accountability under the guise of one political party “creating” more “peace” and “unity”!!!!
I now see most things that are happening within the political realm far from resembling professionalism or acting on behalf of the body of citizens for which it was formed to govern. The current government needs a lesson in humility and service to the people. They are not our masters, but rather in service to the citizens.
The mainstream media should be calling out the moves as they occur, but this is not happening they are working as PR (public relations) operatives to only call out the moves of their approved players ensuring the win. Like a paid-off official calling only the points of the team that paid them. While simultaneously shining the spotlight on any moves the opposing side might make to defend this country then spinning it as racist or unpatriotic radicalism. Well I am normally just your average Jane, working my way through life. Minding my business and taking care of my family. The obvious disregard to the constitution has caused me to embrace my duty as a veteran and a citizen of this nation “under God!” to make others aware of their radical and unethical practices. They are only spinning the narrative to match a specific agenda.
Have a great day folks and remember it is our right to speak freely and to protest peacefully. This is just a small dose of honesty from one American with a splash of my right to free speech! Remember this is supposed to be a free country. Let me know if you find that freedom! I’m embracing mine!
A ton has happened this past year. It has felt like 7 years rolled into one, which is why I must feel dog tired! (I couldn’t resist. 😂)
For our family, we have taken on our own home as a remodeling project. We went down to the dirt, worked on the foundation, then built it all back up again.
I have learned several things that I find extremely annoying as living conditions are much more stressful during construction… I couldn’t stand not being able to locate clothes or necessary items to make it through the day. I felt there was no good place to relax in my home. Everyday having a list of chores that needed done in order to show real progress.
Result of this frustration: I minimized my insane wardrobe. It eliminates the time I wasted looking for the “perfect” thing to wear.
So we worked our full time jobs then came home to complete something, anything… even when we didn’t feel like standing up. There were a few days we let each other off the hook. I’m thinking back now and had I given in on the days I was particularly annoyed there would be so much more work yet to be done.
The result of overcoming this challenge. Self awareness of my capacity to learn new things and push past the discomfort. Being annoyed is an emotion that arrives to warn you that you are in a moment of discomfort, but it will pass.
We began initially set on replacing all the flooring. which quickly became installing new windows, new siding, new paint in every room, and reorganizing everyone’s things to only keep what is necessary. The less we have to straighten up the better after all of the intense labor we have experienced over the last few months.
During the upgrade of our home I used the time to listen to audiobooks by Eckhart Tolle, all the while digging deeper into my own construction. Picking out specific moments in my life that had helped to create problems with my mentality and identity throughout life. I listened to audiobooks about “Seeking Happiness” I listened to heart healing sounds at the frequency that intensifies healing. I made many TikTok videos showing the progress only to give it up, after realizing my unhealthy obsession, and put it aside to focus on “real” life. I had noticed an evolution within those long 3 months
We are still working and the construction zone is near completion… but my personal work will always be one that is in progress as I want to embrace who I AM in each and every situation. I can practice just being. I haven’t forgotten to appreciate the moments that have helped me appreciate the gift of being alive.
Such an amazing moment that is “NOW”!
Have a blessed day! Love and peace to all!
Lightning can strike the same place twice.
A belief of the opposite was fabricated to ease wounded minds.
Here is a tree that has had it’s branches struck countless times.
I now know that it had been under attack for it’s branches grew closest to the sky.
Every passing storm the tree endured the more it cried.
Inwardly it felt so weak; While outwardly it appeared strong
Others looking on couldn’t see that anything was wrong.
It’s only a tree, it should be able to handle these storms.
Now the tree began it’s understanding
That it had been made for more than just a rod for lightning
The tree began to dream of other places. Places that could nurture her spirit.
The tree suddenly realized it didn’t have to absorb all of it.
That the pain it felt always followed the storm’s rage.
Yet, the tree remained, rooted in this toxic soil.
Oblivious to the fact that it was the one allowing it’s turmoil.
The branches continued to grow, ironically… inviting the shock.
The tree tried to forget all of the painful thoughts.
Even though the tree knew the storm would strike again…
The tree tried to ignore the storm’s arrival
The tree had learned this tactic for survival.
The day it decided to move away from the storm’s wrath.
Was the day it realized there had always been a different path.
A path that wouldn’t lead to pain and misery.
The tree decided to leave carrying with her a life full of tragedy.
Seeking her home, a broken heart’s remedy.
The tree searched the earth for it’s new home.
A nice warm place to belong.
The tree found a place and rested in the sun.
The tree allowed its roots to sink deep into the earth
Feeling that her new place wouldn’t remind her of those painful storms
The tree learned the limits of the storm.
Angered by the tree’s growth, he blasts into a rage.
The tree knew that the storm only had power to hurt her if she chose to stay.
The tree adores the peace that comes from knowing
She chooses the place where she will continue the growing.
Working on your home while trying to heal yourself from childhood trauma, is easier said than done. There are only a few things I can think of that might be more difficult from my experience… childbirth or the loss of a loved one.
I have been diving deep into the root of most of my problems. I have exposed truths in my life that have caused me pain and I have challenged myself to face them head on. After each revelation and resolution, I experience such emotional and spiritual growth. I discussed this growth with my husband last night. I told him what I’ve learned about loving myself and asked him to try to be kind to me. I asked him to let go of the bitterness he had been holding onto about our past. I told him that to release the negative and toxic energy wasn’t just a benefit for me, but for our family. I asked him these things with a giant ultimatum and the first one I had ever given him. I didn’t expect for him to be filled with such anger, when I said “do these things that I ask, or I’m gone!” I learned during this conversation that although I don’t have control over anyone. I can speak to those that make up my reality as to what I expect in my life. I told him my boundaries, this was an emotional process for me as I’m not always clear with others about my boundaries. I told him I would no longer compromise myself for the sake of other’s happiness. I am worthy of love and happiness. After he told me to just leave several times, I placed my hand on top of his and placed it on his heart, his left hand I grabbed and held it open towards the sky. I asked him to release the toxic energy so he could make room for the positive. During this, he said some things that he needed to say and it caused more conflict. I listened, and as I heard his requests I stood firm in what I will and won’t allow in my life. I know the type of life I want to have is not impossible, and that I must put in the work to achieve it. The hardest decision is the first one, and that is acknowledging that you will always get what you believe you deserve.
The spiritual leveling up and the emotional growth I experienced from standing firm in loving myself may have looked like a baby fawn trying to stand up for the first time, but after awhile it became easier and I began to understand that I only have to accept the things in my life that are sent to me with good energy. If it isn’t sent to me in a way I can accept then I can send it back to the gifter. I would have loved to have had this knowledge and awareness as a child. It is such an amazing game changer for anyone’s life. I hope I am explaining it well enough for everyone to understand.
It has never been easy for me to stand up for myself. Believing that in doing so I would be seen as disobedient or too much to handle. I had convinced myself that if I stood my ground no one would be there beside me and that I would be left or abandoned. I no longer feel afraid to be alone anymore, because I can love myself the way I should be loved. I’m no longer looking for love from others but sharing this limitless fountain of love I have found within myself.
Discovering this love has revealed my heart and purpose and it is exhilarating.
For me, loving myself means establishing boundaries for others and expressing to them what I will and won’t allow in my life. It is telling the universe that I am stronger and ready for the next lesson. Realizing that I am the author and illustrator of my story. I can now walk proudly and confidently down my path and know that it was designed for me. Our conversation was definitely an emotional one and I definitely got a good cry in during & after.
Even though the conversation was difficult, it was necessary.
This morning I woke without an alarm clock at 5:30, and started my morning with coffee and an intense desire to learn more about breaking generational curses. As a child, I was left feeling abandoned from my parents divorce. I realize now I have carried that pain with me for 29 years. I know the peace that comes from letting it go and I want to help others. I also realized that I want to protect my children from this pain and struggle. I know I don’t want to be the cause of this for them and want to shield them as much as possible from unnecessary pain. If I am ever forced to walk away for their sake I now possess this wisdom. This is what was revealed to me in my quiet time. Women hold such a wonderful purpose within the family dynamic. If you have found a wife, you have found a good thing.
“He knew he would need someone soft, yet strong. Someone wise, yet patient. Someone confident, yet brave. So, God put Adam to sleep and created a woman to be by Adam’s side, formed from his rib.” –
“Eve was created as a “helper corresponding to him.” God called her ezer kenegdo. In Hebrew, ezer means helper. Kenegdo means opposition or against — not disharmony but as support and balance.”
My quiet time may have only lasted 30 minutes this morning, but it gave me so much guidance for the day. If you are working on yourself and apply these things in your life. Get ready for the abundance that has been waiting for you to receive it. A most amazing gift we have been given, LIFE. We are about to experience amazing things. Magical and majestic doesn’t have to be things that only fairytales are made of… It can be expected for our reality as well. Set your sights on such things. Prepare yourself for good things!
In School NEWS: “due to the continued spread of COVID – 19 in our community and an increase of close contact quarantines, all school sites will move to Distance Learning beginning Monday, November 16th and continue through Friday, November 20th. Beginning Monday, November 16th, all students will be expected to complete Distance Learning attendance requirements and classwork daily.
God Bless! Positivity & Love being sent to you in abundance!
I’m sure anyone reading the title of this article would want to answer… “Hell yes!” I’m certain of this, because I would also like to answer with a resounding… “Hell Yes!” The truth is, somethings never change. The reason why they never change is we believe that they will never change. Change your beliefs and things will change. Why is that? Your beliefs create your reality. Beliefs are the reason we live the way we live. If we believe that work is stressful, that will not change. If we believe we can’t put the bottle down, you will not be able to stop drinking. If you continue to stay in a toxic relationship your belief of love is that it’s supposed to be painful. Your beliefs create your life. This is my leveling up thought for the day.
“Beliefs can be created about anything & everything in our world.”
Creating a new belief that better serves you can be challenging, but challenging does not mean impossible. I grew up with limiting beliefs, I believe most people do. My dad was doing his best with what he knew or believed to be true. He loves his kids and I know he would do anything for any of us. I see now that the most important thing he could have done for us was to love himself the way he has always deserved to be loved. He believed that our lives being stuck in poverty was what he deserved, so he continues to remain there. Even now I see him struggle. I help him… but the only person who can truly help him is himself. He is an amazing person, but he doesn’t know that. I hope to help him see that someday, I’ve been trying for over 29 years. He survived a difficult home life as a child… being beaten and berated. He had never dealt with that pain & so naturally, he became a man that never dealt with the false statements that were said to him as a child. I know this left him with the feeling he would never be good enough. This belief transferred to me. I get my heart from him. He is truly a selfless human being and I adore him for that, and I also know that he still needs to know his true value and aware of his self-worth.
I evaluated my success by other’s happiness. This is a formula for disappointment. I would break my back helping my family to prove I was good enough. This eventually led me to validating the same beliefs my dad still holds to this day. I know I’m not a bad person for believing that for so long. It was my belief because that’s what I was taught. If I decided to do anything based on my own happiness those actions were going to be considered selfish. I couldn’t become a selfish person. We had always said that mom was selfish, because she decided to leave, and that wasn’t who I wanted to be. I had to be the opposite to make my dad happy. I continued to put myself last. I learned how to be the best people pleaser. I believed this was ok.
Leveling up in certain areas might be getting a promotion, buying a home, or maybe just moving into a bigger one, maybe paying off that debt. These are examples of what could change so that one might experience an exterior leveling up, but what I am experiencing and hope to share so others may experience this fully is a broad awareness of now. Awaking to the moments that have carried you to this particular destination. In order for one to level up, you must rise above your own understanding of why your world is made up of the things that are in it. It’s acknowledging the critical patterns and beliefs that creates behaviors that will alleviate you from the things that plague you.
For me it was becoming fully aware of my limiting beliefs. It has been holding me captive and I demand now to be released to experience the things I know I deserve.
In my love life, I will no longer accept what I have in the past. I am not anyone’s trophy or plaything. I am someone who will be treasured and loved with a matched intensity. I will love fully by giving of myself. If that can’t or won’t be reciprocated, I will create the environment where it will be reciprocated. Being kind and loving to myself is not being selfish. Those who truly love me do not want to see me in pain. Those who truly love and trust me will not control me. I am a loving person and I can freely express my love to others without it being seen as evil or deceitful. Love is God, God is love. I will no longer repress the love I have for myself. The old limiting beliefs for relationships that I have held onto are gone. I’m fully capable of loving myself and being completely self-reliant and not feel guilty about it.
My children will see me as a person that will never leave them, but as their biggest support. The best thing I can do is to model self-love and to teach them how to value their unique characteristics so that the world may appreciate and love them with the purest of intentions.
I fully accept the abundance that has been waiting for me to accept it. I accept the energy of having more. More love, more money, more time, more freedom. I hope you will also accept the abundance of good things that are waiting for you!
So much love from my heart to every reader! Life is just beautiful if you believe that it is!
Entering the scene: An innocent child walks upon broken eggshells.
She timidly tiptoes through the mess, fearing a misstep will awaken her very own concept of hell.
This appears to be leftover shrapnel, sprayed about the floor, more added everyday.
Fight or flight, her consistent, constant state
Now we watch as her mother departs, we watch as she drives away leaving her family behind.
The mother continues down this other path, hoping this other man would ease her own troubled mind.
We see the little girl, distraught & abandoned, feeling powerless against this one thought “I’m not good enough.”
We watch as she nervously applies layer after layer of mortar and brick.
First, she will fall for anyone who sees her as a beautiful person not someone unworthy & sick.
A novice at life, not even a teen. The child begins to build her very own wall.
She would realize at a later time in life, that the higher she builds it, the harder she’ll fall.
We see her wander around like an obedient puppy, seeking out a treat.
Consistently reinforced, her own desires are quick to retreat.
The people pleasing attitude
She believes that everyone must be pleased with her & what she can do.
A pattern established in her life before the age of ten, “ditch them 1st before they can leave.”
The pain she hides from the world, it’s hard to describe, even harder to conceive.
No one can abandon her if she’s the one walking away.
Her father now comes into view, we see him trying to raise three kids on his own.
She doesn’t know who to be, or where to go.
The words spew from her father’s mouth, the insults spoken of women stunting her mind.
“Don’t be like your mother, the only thing she ever did well…was lie.”
Echoes of his bitterness and pain can still be heard in her ears.
Growing up too fast, too many bad things to deal and not enough years.
Empathizing with her father’s pain as she tries to help him heal.
Growing up in fear, she learns to lead her life by how things feel.
The pain of this tragedy, so fresh, she still has no idea of how long it’s been.
Mapped out for her by this painful past, she takes the long way which leads to self-hate and sin.
She obeys what “they” say, believing their lies.
Not yet learning her own untethered way.
Ignoring the red flags, her own self-respect just to numb the pain.
Her own happiness,she decides can be found by making others smile.
Her own state of well-being would not be discovered for awhile.
Underneath her fake expression and silence…
her fears have successfully harnessed her self-confidence.
The innocence that carried her through half of her life…
She discovers was only hidden. It had not yet died.
The past she had carried, she releases as it was poorly constructed.
What do we want the audience to learn from her “Start loving yourself and don’t be self-destructive!”