Category: Borderline Personality Disorder

Season 2: Episode 6

  Hello and welcome to “The World in Black and White” My name is Michelle and I’m the narrator and creator of this podcast.

Vision for the podcast:

My vision for this podcast is that it will bring hope to all individuals that may be overwhelmed by the challenges mental illness can create as a person attempts to navigate life in a positive and successful way.

(MUSICAL TRANSITION)

Welcome back everyone- I will start the show this time with announcements.
Happy “Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month!” This month is also Mental Health Awareness Month. It seems to be fitting. So, since it is borderline personality disorder awareness month, I thought that we could do something to help make others aware, so I made some stickers. Buy one or 5. Here is the link to buy those stickers. Only $4.00 each

https://www.etsy.com/shop/SIMPLYADD2CART

The stickers are round and have a QR code that will take anyone to my channel on Spotify.

Also we now have a QR code to the podcast is now available:

TAKE NOTICE :

I try to notice the things in my environment that I HAVE control over.

*The temperature, as long as my hot blooded spouse isn’t home,

*My diet, the foods I choose to eat.

*The aesthetics of my environment, how it is decorated or organized.

*How bright or dim a room might be.
*I can control the clothing I choose to wear and the way I want my hair to look.

I do get to decide a lot of things for myself, and there are moments I have to remind myself that my environment looks or feels the way it does because I HAVE allowed it to look or feel like this.

I HAVE learned that if it is upsetting me, I can ignore it or deal with it. (I have learned from my husband that delegating some of these tasks to the kids doesn’t make me a bad mother but preparing my children to be responsible for their environment as well.)

BE INTENTIONAL:

When I am speaking with my children, I remind them that they have their own opinions and the ability to think for themselves. That they are both very important people and that makes their thoughts and feelings valid and worthwhile.

When I am spending time with them, I need to give them each attention without distraction. Moms and dads drop the devices, it is a relationship killer. You can finish listening to this podcast of course… Unless you feel the need to go spend time with your little ones, then by all means go do that; then come back before bed and finish listening to the rest of the episode.

FORGIVE YOURSELF AND OTHERS AND TRY AGAIN:

No one is perfect! Let me repeat that. No one is perfect! Not one single person. We all are guilty of making mistakes and some make the same mistakes repeatedly. The point of making mistakes is to learn. No matter what you need to forgive yourself, learn from the mistake and try again, and once you are able to give yourself that type of grace you will be able to offer it to others. If you haven’t forgiven yourself for past mistakes, I beg you right now to try and do that. It is ok and you can learn from it and move on.

Season 2: Episode 5 ‘Mirroring’ in BPD, with Special Guest Sarah Myles

Link to the podcast episode …

Season 2: Episode 5

Mirroring is one way people with BPD try to create bonds with interesting people they meet. This involuntary behavior is a result of a sincere desire to be accepted. Individuals that display ‘mirroring’ do so automatically. They are imitating individuals that have shown them desirable qualities. Since the Pw/BPD has a shattered sense of self, they can easily switch from whatever persona they were once displaying & easily switch to a new one. ‘Mirroring’ is a specific aspect of borderline that makes it difficult for a Pw/BPD to tell you what they like or dislike. Borderlines have a hard time making decisions or sticking to specific hairstyles, fashion trends, or genres of music. One reason most people with borderline use ‘mirroring’ to secure a bond with someone is to decrease the chance of being abandoned or rejected. This aspect of borderline is what Sarah refers to as the “Chameleon Effect.” Sarah Myles is a person I chose to interview about the topic of ‘mirroring.’ Sarah is a writer originally from London that now resides in North Yorkshire, England.

https://sarahmyles.net/2013/07/22/borderline-personality-disorder-and-the-chameleon-effect/
The link above will take you to the short piece Sarah Myles authored.

Reflecting

A poem I’ve written
about ‘mirroring.’

Mirrors can be tricky, don’t you think?

Sipping from a glass of truth but denying the drink.

Magically crafted so that we may truly SEE ourselves.

IMPROVE ourselves, or maybe even REMOVE ourselves?

I may have been crafted to show others who they are.

Most are unable to resist the hypnotizing charm.

Each one of us focused only on the things that we like.

Intertwined with this unintended slight,

I’m mastering the skill of being your type.

Life demands the borderline mirrors those that excite.

A demand they must adhere to for they fear the flight

Noticing all of these desirable traits

Each one of my behaviors begin to assimilate.

How easy it must be for my ‘looker’ to relate.

I submit myself to these effortless transformations.

No longer me, just various & interesting reflections.

Pieces of a broken slate of glass

My ‘self ‘ will always present itself last.

A painful instinctive reaction

I beg of you, do not leave me as just an empty reflection.

As I only believe, I am nothing without you.

I enjoyed my time immensely discussing borderline tendencies with Sarah Myles.
You can listen to our conversation here at the provided link.

Listen in for a better understanding of the “Chameleon Effect” & real life strategies to help with BPD.

Thank you, Sarah, for the opportunity to better understand the “Chameleon Effect” I look forward to future chats.

Season 2 Episode 4: Unconditional Love & Mental Health

How can we start curing our mental health disorders? I definitely feel like I am on to something with this general idea of love being the cure.

Listen to what I think about this… here! https://open.spotify.com/episode/6dLPzI6fymtnFEqhrivpW0?si=kidrE9zrR8arlt3f4HfmDw


“The sad truth is that you can’t cure BPD with unconditional love. The problem isn’t that people with BPD don’t get enough love. The problem is that they feel such worthlessness and shame that they think they don’t deserve it. So your love encounters Teflon and slips away. But it’s difficult to face the worthlessness and shame and work on it, in therapy or out. All they know is they don’t feel loved, which means you must be doing something wrong.”

BPDCENTRAL.COM

Season 2 Episode 3: Interpersonal Sensitivity

Listen here … https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/DMViY

In the previous episode, while speaking with our lovely guest, Imi Lo, she had mentioned… and I am paraphrasing here that people with borderline personality disorder & might possibly have an enhanced sensitivity when observing the slightest change in another person’s facial expressions, and that this sensitivity can be especially accurate when observing expressions showing negativity, and that this could mean that people with BPD may possess a higher level of interpersonal sensitivities.

What does that mean, higher interpersonal sensitivities?

I found a great explanation/definition from an article entitled “INTERPERSONAL SENSITIVITY: WHY IT IS SO IMPORTANT”
https://vbchange.com/interpersonal-sensitivity/
“Do you know when you can just tell that someone is in a bad mood just by their expression even if they have not said a word to indicate that they are in a bad mood? It’s the little things that give them away like their expression, that you are sensitively capturing. Or even if their expression is not betraying their current state, it could be the way that they are behaving, showing that they’re in survival mode. If it is someone you know well, then you can easily tell by their behavior having been altered from their usual behavior. How can noticing such things be useful and meaningful for us?

There are many non-verbal cues that we as humans can tend to give out to indicate the current emotional or mental state that we are in. Even if it’s a complete stranger, we can tend to pick up on subliminal hints through the way that they are acting, the words that they are speaking, the way that they are speaking, the tone they employ while speaking, the facial expression they have, among other non-verbal cues. In fact, body language accounts for 55% of communication between people.

You are able to tell a lot about a person you’ve just met, given that you are paying attention to all of these cues being presented by that person, whether they are doing it intentionally or unintentionally. The ability to correctly assess and understand information about them without having been directly presented with it is a little concept (it’s actually quite a big concept) known as Interpersonal Sensitivity.”

I feel I do this so much and without even thinking about it… & then I will react to certain facial expressions… the good, the bad, but mostly the ugly. I’m not talking about how you look on the outside, but those menacing expressions that come from deep within… those real feelings that the other person being observed had been unsuccessful at hiding, you even know they were trying to suppress their real feelings in hopes not to upset you. That sentiment doesn’t matter, because their slightest change has already upset you and aggravated your intense sensitivities.

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

This dance gets exhausting, even though it always happens automatically for the borderline. It is a quick & primary go-to defense mechanism that the subconscious has learned to use when others are displeased with us. I’ve been reading facial expressions for a long time now and even though I think I’m good at it. I will never get it right 100% of the time, why? I think being sensitive in this way simply means you are still living life in survival mode instead of living life.

To be completely transparent, I’ve been trusting my feelings more about what I observe in others. Really leaning into this to see what it really is. I’m sure I’m driving my husband crazy with it, because I’m not the type to observe something negative from someone and then just let it go. To top it all off, I’m leaning into this at the same time we are dealing with a highly stressful situation. Remodeling our burnt home back to something better, even though we had just finished remodeling nearly the entire house.

For me personally, from the viewpoint of a 40-year-old, “Textbook” BPD female, it can mean that having high interpersonal sensitivities or abilities mean that you could very well still be living in survival mode. If you are currently more worried about not upsetting your environment, or the people in it, & you find it necessary to please everyone in it… You are living in survival mode. You likely haven’t begun to see that your environment is unsteady because you are still relying on others to be the support for you that you feel you are to them. The reason we (people with BPD) are highly reactive to any displeasure shown by those in our environment, it shows a disapproval of our tireless attempts at maintaining a copesetic environment. We take on that role and feel very hurt if someone is unappreciative of all of the work, we have done behind the scenes to keep others happy. At the very least we hope to keep the peace, this always has a tendency to slap us in the face.

A person w/BPD can be triggered by the slightest negative change in facial expression or tone. We have become excellent at interpreting the unspoken human language. Our mind tells us who we can likely trust, and who is valuable for our survival. The slightest change in another person’s normal reaction, can affect a person with BPD so much, that often times they can automatically go into a defensive mode, either to protect themselves or to fight against their biggest fear, which is being abandoned for one reason and that reason in their BPD mind is that they weren’t “good enough” or that they didn’t “do enough” I am not certain that every person that has BPD deals with the fear of abandonment, but in my life it has created many moments of regret.

Byte of Insight – unscripted, have a listen…

Announcements – Still rebuilding after the fire, bringing a lot of inconveniences and next episode, April 3rd.

Byte of Insight – unscripted, have a listen to the episode.

“Unconditional love is the outer expression of inner peace”

Alaric Hutchinson


I realize now that most of the people in my life have had transactional love from me not unconditional love. I was asking them to have the same type of love for me, for myself. show me this feeling you have for me by some tangible transaction. Show me that I am worthy of your time and attention. I know now that unconditional love doesn’t require this of anyone. You are loved for who you are, not for what you aren’t. I have worn myself out entirely being transactional in the past. To my lack of understanding relationships, I can now blame my upbringing and romantic movies. To continue to exist in that way though would be by choice and I don’t choose to love transactionally. I choose to love unconditionally.

Have a wonderful day and don’t forget to choose truth, goodness, and LOVE!

Season 2 : Episode 1

Topic: “The Comparison of  Mental Health Disorders To Society”

Season 2

Introduction:  HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! Welcome to the World in Black and White this is Michelle and I am the narrator and creator of this podcast. I am grateful to begin Season 2 discussing Borderline Personality Disorder with you and giving some helpful strategies that might make a positive difference for those living with BPD.

Vision: My vision for the second season of “The World in Black and White,” is that this season includes interviews with mental health experts, discussing life with some willing & kooky friends, as well as adding some forced commentary from my family members. I mean, why not?  Those dealing with mental health disorders usually surround themselves with some pretty interesting & entertaining people.  I want those listening to this to receive a dose of hope and possibly some useful strategies that help direct them towards a healthier path. I aim to achieve this in a manner that inspires others to choose a place of self awareness and authenticity. I hope to create a space here that allows all people to shed their mask, and to listen without fear of rejection or criticism.  Alright, let’s go to that place that arouses self-awareness and acceptance… This is The World in Black and White!

So I was just having a conversation with my older brother, and to give you a little background on that relationship, he and I both served in the military as Chaplain Assistants from 2001 to 2005. We were both recruited on the same day, but he was still in braces and had to complete his orthodontic treatment before he could be sent to basic training. 

My brother is only 3 years older, but I have always seen him as a much older and wiser person than myself, partly because of his kind and calm demeanor, but also his ability to look at specific problems and respond with biblical solutions. He has been there for me through some very tough times, and I just want to be sure that you all hear the genuine respect I hold for him as an individual.

Our duties were the same in the military, we were responsible for setting up the space to hold religious services. We would also provide administrative and combative support to the chaplain when necessary.  I began telling him this morning what my topic for this week’s podcast would be. That I would be making a comparison of what society has experienced over the past couple of years with having a mental disorder, (specifically Borderline Personality Disorder.) He then asked me,  “Have you heard that they are going to bring institutions back to place “crazy people” in that go against them?” 



So I felt it important that I get this out, because well… They might lock me up soon.  I just want to say that what I am trying to get out to others will probably be censored or flagged as misinformation, all that I am sharing today are my own opinions and comparisons… Well most of us know, once you have been labeled as “crazy”it is hard to remove that label or to have other people take you seriously. 



(1st)

Ok… Ladies and Gents, humor me for a minute and imagine society as one being. Lets refer to humanity now as “Gertrude”  and poor Gertrude has just recently married a man that no one really knows all that well and we only know that he has a lot of mystery in his history. 

Within no time, we see Gertrude that had once been a happy and free spirit,to a recluse, unable to go to any social gatherings.  He was hiding her away.  The only reason he gave was that she was not well and had to stay indoors for her “health.” 

Then the man she married all of a sudden begins to strip her of her ability to speak on her own behalf, answering every question she was asked with a scripted answer from a “higher authority”  Gertrude’s friends became concerned for her well being, but knew that there was little that they could do for her.  So they did nothing and said nothing. He would now be the one to make all of her decisions for her, because he said that he knew what would be  most suitable for her. Gertrude by this point had been convinced that she was also going crazy, because that is what he would say to her anytime she disagreed or questioned him.  During this time, Gertrude was given a test result that now showed that she was positive for the “deadly virus” .She was told that  the only hope of surviving this illness was to take a jab that hadn’t been fully tested or risk the possibility of succumbing to this “novel” illness. 

Gertrude discovers that because of her time living in a toxic environment she had officially started to question her own sanity. She knew that she didn’t like the environment, but found it impossible to run away from it, his toxicity had permeated everywhere, those that she thought were friends, had turned their backs to her. Believing his narcissistic lies, over her truths.   


So… Here is Gertrude truly experiencing gaslighting, coercion, loss of autonomy and identity.  Gertrude shows how one can develop a mental health disorder living in an intentionally toxic environment. Gertrude is trying to separate from this mysterious man at the moment… So we shall have to wait and see how the story plays out, but I hope we can agree that Gertrude needs to move along on a new path.  

(2nd) Inspiration for the story…

So for the past couple of years we have all had to make some pretty crazy concessions or lifestyle modifications to simply survive the infected landscape that covid provided. It birthed chaos and complexities onto our simple reality, the events that occurred as a side-effect of covid have been tremendous and unlike any many people had ever experienced.  

I immediately started to notice that there were some striking similarities between the elected official handling of the events and a highly toxic environment. They were delivering a lot of insulting remarks to people that questioned them and continued to offer one-sided demands without possibility of discussion or debate. (Let’s just say I was quite familiar with this dance and it immediately stood out like a red-flag to me!)The intention here was to make the individuals that questioned  their motives appear to be crazy, it also frightened others from speaking out. No one likes to be labeled as crazy, it reduces their thoughts and opinions to nonsense, even if it isn’t.  This very same thing happens in Narcissistic relationships.

The similarities that I was quick to notice, were the insults towards those that questioned provided guidance and information, as well as the blatant disregard for human immunities or liberties.  The other red flags were the simultaneous attacks on our rights, more specifically the right to free speech and the right to bear arms.  At this very same time, we were dealing with a global pandemic, which turned out to be a “designer illness” waging an attack on everyone’s physical health.

 Being a veteran of war… I felt we were being attacked on multiple fronts, I was only aware of two specific attacks at this time, one being the psychological and the other being biological.  I was arriving at these conclusions based solely on my feelings and prior experience with toxic relationships, but it was evident to me that something bad was at play.  Which led me to write the story about Gertrude. (*disclaimer, I am not referring to anyone bearing the name of Gertrude.) Have a Nice Day!











Alright it’s time for our Byte of Insight

I am just going to make a few comparisons from this story to mental health. So in the story you heard gaslighting, I’ve put a definition on my blog. Michellefightsbpd.com 

This definition was provided by google


Gas·light   *definition provided by Google Dictionary.

/ˈɡasˌlīt/

verb

gerund or present participle: gas-lighting

  1. manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning.: “in the first episode, Karen Valentine is being gaslighted by her husband” “we are being gaslit about our health on a grand scale by these people”.



The second comparison to mental health is when you survive a toxic environment for a while you start to develop ways to cope or survive that environment. So while it may seem that society or Gertrude was just going along with everything she was simply just trying to survive, but she was surviving in an environment that was intentionally toxic. And so we need Gertrude to get out of that environment and to see for herself that there is a healthier path, a healthier way to live her life. 

So the story for Gertrude may seem a bit familiar and I have even left many events out of the story.  The villains in this fairy tale chose to instill fear, to replace her logic center with an”other perception” and that  “following safe guidance” would save her life, that the removal of her personal autonomy would now be replaced with a new and more effective governance that would keep her alive.  

My conclusion: Society has developed a mental illness without any hope of a cure.  Well just like Borderline Personality Disorder doesn’t yet have a cure, I don’t truly believe that there isn’t a cure.  Or that those dealing with BPD actually need to be cured, but rather their toxic environment needs to change.  I believe that there is, and the elements that bring us closer to that healing have always been; truth, goodness, and love! I am uncertain why society or Gertrude in this instance had to endure emotional, psychological and physical abuse, but I am sure that we are all trying to recover from enduring a very toxic relationship over the past couple of years, and that we all put blind faith and trust in an entity with evil intent.  No matter what name we bestow onto society at this point, I personally wanted to acknowledge that we were gaslighted and ridiculed when we questioned their motives.  I am still holding onto hope that we can yet again achieve peace and real health & that more and more people become aware of the root of this mental illness and to combat it with truth, compassion and understanding.  

Announcements:

I moved my dates to air the podcast to Monday, this gives me all of Friday and the weekends to record, edit and add if needed. This will be every other week.  SO be looking for the next episode the following monday.  So start looking for the show to air on Mondays, we all need a reason to like Mondays just a little bit more.  

We have another Guest Speaker on the calendar and is set to air in February, which is perfect because I have loved her positive take on Borderline Personality Disorder.  She has held roles as a mental health supervisor, suicide crisis counselor, psychotherapist, art therapist, and trainer to therapists and coaches. She is an author and you can find her literature when you visit her site eggshelltherapy.com  WE are certainly excited to be adding her to our upcoming schedule. 

Closing: Thanks so much for tuning in we have come to the end of the podcast. What did you learn? Who can you share this podcast with? If this resonates with your spirit or makes you think of a certain someone that has experienced similar issues in their life, please share this with them.  I believe mental health is something that we are overlooking on a massive scale and in order for people to heal we need to be able to speak about this openly and honestly.I hope you are excited about Season 2 of “The World in Black & White”  and until next time choose truth, goodness, and love. 


Crisis Help Line: If you are dealing with matters of life that have left you feeling defeated or overwhelmed, I want you to know that sometimes we are able to lift each other back up to fight again.  If you are currently in a place of troubled thoughts, please don’t waste another minute and just reach out.  There are people that want to help.  Please call 988 to speak with someone that can help you find necessary resources or listen to a person that simply wants to help you through your current situation.  

What happens when a person calls 988?

Those who call 988 will hear a greeting message while their call is being routed to a local crisis center within the Lifeline network, based on the caller’s area code. A trained crisis counselor then takes the call, listens to what is being said to get a better understanding of how their problem is affecting them, provides support and connects them with resources as necessary. If a local counselor is not available, the person calling will be routed to a national backup crisis center. Longer term, the system is intended to link 988 callers to community-based providers who can deliver a range of crisis care services, including mobile crisis teams and stabilization centers. 

If texting makes you feel more comfortable please text 62640 (between the hours of 10am-10pm ET)
If you are currently in crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 | Text “NAMI” to 741741 for 24/7, confidential, free crisis counseling | If calling 911: Ask for a Crisis Intervention Team (CIT) Officer

“6 Things To Help Manage BPD”

(Last episode for season 1)

Link to Podcast! https://s-ssl.wordpress.com/i/spotify-badge.svg

Season 1 Episode 9:

Intro: Hello and welcome to “The World in Black and White” My name is Michelle and I am the narrator and creator of this podcast.

Vision: My vision for this podcast is that it will bring hope to all individuals that may be overwhelmed by the challenges mental illness can create as a person attempts to navigate life in a positive and successful way.  

Crisis Helpline: I want to also make listeners aware of help that is available. Call 988 to speak to a crisis operator or text “helpline” that is H E L P L I N E to 62640 .

Stoicism says not to worry about the elements of your life outside of your control, that the only thing you can ever really control is yourself, or rather your reaction to those outside elements that you “feel” are affecting your outlook on life. I posed the question a couple years back, “can a person with BPD be a stoic?” It was interesting for me to consider that the rule was so simple, yet so foreign for someone at the mercy of overly reactive chemicals to external stimuli. To even consider that someone could have this type of control over their responses to the world intrigued me… and so I researched stoicism for a bit. It was super difficult for me to resist the urge not to react to everything outside of my control. 

I’m still working on some level of a more controlled response to the world. I am still wondering if someone suffering from this brain disorder has the capability to become a stoic? 

This next portion I will be sharing is a blog post I made about Stoicism and BPD in March of 2020. 

Here is a previous blog I wrote about stoicism and BPD Can An Individual With BPD Become A Stoic?

  So I came up with these 6 things after responding to a comment someone posted on Reddit.   I will omit their comment, as it was the response that triggered this episode anyway.  Sometimes we don’t know what we have learned until someone else needs to know what you know in order to get through something troublesome.

MY RESPONSE:   “I’m going to sound like a b-word when I say what is required of you to “feel” better. I just need you to know, nothing will ever change If we aren’t honest about what is required to get out of your own way. BPD is a brain disorder, chemicals have hijacked YOU. Every BPD person has unknowingly given these chemicals an all-access pass to control emotional responses.  We have always been at the mercy of these chemicals. 1st and foremost – stop making excuses 2. Stop justifying your avoidance to seek understanding of BPD. We must relocate from victimhood. 3. Claim your autonomy, and immediately start working on self-awareness. 4. Embrace the emptiness until it’s gone. 5. Decide that being present is more important than anything contrived in a fantasy. 6. Get active. These are not fail-proof instructions, but it’s been effective enough for me to stay present a lot more than before and focus on things that mean something to me.”

After responding to this person, I noticed that I may have some more things to share with listeners about managing their borderline personality disorder. With no real answers or cure to Borderline we must all  focus on managing ourselves, until we figure out the issues causing the symptoms. 

#1)  If we are at the mercy of chemicals responding to our environment reactively and without permission, how likely is it that a person with BPD can control their emotional responses?  Don’t chemicals just have a way of doing their thing without asking permission?

(Definitions found on newharbinger.com)

Cortisol- a chemical released during stress that helps to break down carbohydrates and proteins in order to increase the supply of glucose and oxygen in the muscles, heart, and brain. But high levels of cortisol over a prolonged periods of time lead to an increase in blood pressure and an increase in sugar levels, both of which lead to unhealthy fat build-up in the abdomen, thinning of bones, and prevention of collagen formation. High cortisol levels also suppress the immune-system response and cause the body to age faster.

Serotonin- plays an important role in the regulation of mood, sleep, and learning. It is found throughout the brain and the digestive system, and has been implicated in depression, suicide, anxiety, and appetite regulation

Opiates- are released (under ordinary circumstances) by the brain to dull pain in response to body-tissue damage

Just knowing cortisol can affect in a negative way… traumatic events and high stress situations…  you can control your actions to help alleviate some of those environmental triggers. 

#2)  Avoiding responsibility or competency of your disorder?  Are you a “manager” or are you a “victim”?

I still catch myself saying “If you would just be nice to me, I wouldn’t have these episodes.”  while this may be true.  It is no one else’s responsibility to make me behave appropriately.  It is my responsibility.  Understanding my weaknesses, helps me manage this brain disorder.  When I am feeling unloved, invisible or misunderstood, I should seek to understand the reasons this is occurring and not just try to “feel” better by any means necessary.  I know that even our defense mechanisms tend to happen automatically, but if you work at maintaining a mindful existence, you will see the unhealthy ones and realize they aren’t truly helping you “feel” better, they are only interested in making the pain go away and to survive.  Living a good life is much more than just surviving.  




#3) You are an autonomous being with unique characteristics and specific attributes that make you, YOU.  Awaken to who you are.

I am a work in progress.  Honestly, I am still getting acquainted with who I am. This introspection has been motivated by a series of events that had to happen in order for me to understand I was “surviving on autopilot” and not really living the life I would want to live. Since arriving at that understanding of self I embrace that I am a strong person that has already accomplished many things, even with a disorder that creates more self-inflicted pain than living without BPD. Embrace this strength. 

#4) Healing is feeling, and sometimes that means embracing the emptiness until you have squeezed every bit of it from those special compartments you like to hoard painful & unpleasant moments.  

Imagine running water from your kitchen faucet,  take a rag and soak it with water, then ring it out.  Does it feel dry, after ringing it out once? Probably not, because no matter how much you ring it, the rag will remain damp, until you lay it out flat in the sun.  Our pain is similar to a damp rag, if we wad it up and stuff it deep down inside of us it doesn’t ever go away.  Especially when we just keep it under a running faucet.  If you want to get rid of the pain, you will need to lay it all out and with time let the light (personal insight and acknowledgement) dry it up.  You may need to do this process several times.  It is worthwhile work. 

#5) Being present, and not caught up in some fantasy, is the only way in which you directly affect your overall mental health.  There is no escaping this fact!

There are several moments throughout my day that I see people using technology to escape reality.  I am wearing headphones right now listening to the Top Hits on Spotify and I am doing this to block out distractions, to help me focus on creating my podcast notes.  Well, my family escapes reality by playing video games and watching youtube videos or any social media platform currently available.  It is ok to escape for a little while, but if you are constantly seeking the escape, maybe you need to take inventory of what is happening around you that is inspiring this desire to escape and do what you need to do to make your reality more comfortable for you to exist in peace.

#6)  MOVE your body and be physical.  It helps battle the negative chemicals by releasing the good chemicals that your brain is desperate for, and the physical benefits of being active aren’t so bad either. 

I can tell you since starting kickboxing and pushing to do this multiple times a week has helped my mental state in a big way.  You don’t need a gym, take a walk, or buy a jump rope.  Do some pushups or sit-ups and log your workouts.  This activity will help you “feel” better. 

BYTE OF INSIGHT: 

It is so easy for me to describe to people the ways in which they don’t show their appreciation for me, and this usually looks like some sort of adolescent tantrum.  The reason this expression looks like some sort of teenager not getting their way, is due to my lack of self-awareness.

In the past, I expected everyone to understand that my unloading was the only path for me to find any level of peace again.  I would only offer this “explosion” as the necessary path they deserved to take with me after they so selfishly and consistently offered me their inconsiderate behaviors. Instead of halting the inappropriate talk or behaviors as they occurred, I would expect them to choose not to do those things, out of some sort of expression of love and commitment to me.  I would then by way of silence, allow them to continue their behaviors towards me that I did not approve of,  and this would then create an ugly pattern of  behaviors and treatment that weren’t  acceptable, but allowed. 

I now know that this “explosion” can be avoided by establishing timely & appropriate boundaries, however this awareness took me a very long time to establish boundaries for myself and my family members and friends.
I have found the closer you are to someone the harder it will be to set necessary boundaries.  I think it might also be relevant to state that this realization means that the person dealing with BPD has the hardest time setting boundaries for themself.  I am able to justify just about any type of treatment I “feel” like justifying.  Instead of letting my “feelings” tell me what is appropriate. I have now designed boundaries that say “Will this behavior/communication express how I feel about this person honestly?”  If the answer is no, I would only be trampling all over myself and my authenticity. Which is the last thing I want to occur. I have been working hard at understanding myself and all the things that make me, ME. Beyond that… I want those that I love, to feel that love and trust my love.  I want the people that I care about, to know that I hold their future and their feelings as a personal priority.  This has helped me quite a bit on my journey to healing the relationships I have thoughtlessly injured in the past.


So even though I have in the past unloaded whatever it was I had been “containing” directly on to my loved ones, I was doing this to somehow attack their behaviors.  But what I was actually doing, was informing them that it was ok to communicate in this way.  I had just demonstrated what I accept as appropriate behavior & an appropriate method to communicate.  Even though it is not how I want to communicate.  It helped to create an ugly and emotionally abusive cycle. I now choose to show love and patience and seek understanding, all while hoping that I will also receive the same.  


I was showing people with my own actions and expressions that this response was normal or “appropriate”.   So Instead of burying the hurt or dismissing the moments I felt disrespected, I should discuss these things or events in a healthy way. Knowing that  I would not treat them this way, and would like the same consideration from them, and that if they can’t show this type of consideration for my feelings, then maybe they do not hold one of the places I have reserved for my closest relationships.  I should not rely on my ability to bury things, in order to keep a relationship. 



Challenge:Stoicism and controlling yourself! Change your responses to the people close to you.  This has been trying for me at times.  When I dish out honesty it is served alongside an attitude that says “I’m right about this, you are just too ignorant to see it from my personal perspective.”  I despise trying to appear like a “know it all”, because well… I know I don’t know everything. Before when I would start speaking my truth or opinions about something, I would expect everyone to just accept it as their truth as well.  That will not always be the case.  I have been working very hard at accepting that the rest of the world, especially those closest to me, do not experience or see the world as I do.  I must first try to see their perspective then express that I understand their point of view before offering my own, and there may even be times where the other person doesn’t even want to hear it.  This has been challenging for me most of my life, but since opting to try this method of communication out I have already seen positive responses when communicating my wants and needs, or when I am expressing my raw feelings about certain things, to my friends and family. 

Closing: Thanks so much for tuning in we have come to the end of the podcast. What did you learn? Who can you share this podcast with? If this resonates with your spirit or makes you think of a certain someone that has experienced similar issues in their life, please share this with them. I believe mental health is something that we are overlooking on a massive scale and in order for people to heal we need to be able to speak about this openly and honestly.I believe this will also be the last episode of season 1. I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and wish you all a very Happy New Year! Until next time choose truth, goodness, and love.