Organizing My Life

The plan:

I will weed out the things that are just cluttering up my life.  I am getting there.  I know that life is something we manage, and believe it or not we decide what takes up our precious time, our limited energy, and our never-ending worry. I want the things in my life to be worthy of my time, my energy and my thoughts and concerns.  I have inadvertently weeded out people from my life with past thoughts and actions.  I have very few people in my life now.  I am coming to terms with that.  Most of the time I appreciate my solace a great deal. There is peace with knowing that I don’t have to divide my precious time with people that may not be worthy of it.  I am sure that my family enjoys the time I choose to give them everyday.  It makes me happy to give my time, energy, and worries to my family.

De-cluttering doesn’t stop with the people I choose to give parts of myself to.  I have gone through my closet, and let me tell you, that needed to happen.  I had already searched through this thing once before since I have moved back in to my home a few months ago and it didn’t look like I had taken anything from it.  The two closet rods that held my clothes, were about 6 ft in length, and had no bare spots.  Today, I am proud to tell you that I have made significant progress.  I know that one of the things that I do as a person with BPD is impulse buy.  I have a few moments where this impulse buying has gone unnoticed, because I was unaware of my disorder. I am well aware of my impulses now, but have noticed that my control over these impulses need some work.  The first that I noticed this since being back home was at the furniture store.  My husband sent me to the store to purchase a dresser.  I needed a place to put my clothes.  I found what I wanted and a few other items.  I found a picture, a bench and the dresser.  I text him to let him know and he said, “You don’t need the other things.”  How do you think I felt after hearing that?  I didn’t feel good.  I wanted these things.  I “felt” I needed them.  These things made me “feel good.” I know now that I don’t need things to feel good.  This is definitely my choice.  I want my brain to work with logic, not by feelings.

Found these excerpts from an online source: https://www.letserasethestigma.com/bpd/

(“PEOPLE WITH BPD COULD CONTROL THEIR EMOTIONS IF THEY TRIED.”

Yeah, and when I had the flu a couple of months ago, I simply willed it away. [/sarcasm] The truth is, BPD is a serious medical condition which affects the brain. You know that part of your brain that helps you regulate your emotions? (It’s located in the front of your brain.) Well, for people with BPD, that part of the brain doesn’t work as well as everyone else’s. Marsha Linehan compares people with BPD to third-degree burn victims, saying that every touch is something they feel immensely. I don’t personally like comparing mental health conditions to physical ones, but nonetheless.

“PEOPLE WITH BPD ARE SELF-CENTERED.”

More often than not, the opposite is true. A lot of the pain and anxiety someone with BPD feels stems from insecurities they have about how they affect the people around them. People with BPD tend to assume they are burdens and constantly worry they are making people unhappy, which upsets them and can trigger an episode. If anything, people with BPD care too much.)

I have always felt like my heart was bigger than my brain.  I love too much and think so little.  Who knew that this was a disorder. I hope my insights and my own personal journey can be here to help others.