My “Thank God it is Friday!” Face…
Looking inside yourself, truly searching for who you are… then trying to describe yourself to others should be a skill that is perfected at my age. I will be turning 36 in less than two weeks. I should be pretty good at this by now. Name any person I should know better than myself. I am drawing a blank, but honestly forcing myself to evaluate my thoughts and my current progress is a bit mind-boggling right now as well.
I told myself that I would start being more mindful, and what better place to start than being mindful of who I am and who I am becoming daily. I can honestly say for me and many others that this task of truly inspecting yourself without bias is one of the most difficult things to do. It is easy to make excuses and to draw sympathy from others with these self-proclaimed excuses. I don’t want sympathy, sometimes I feel like I want sympathy. I really don’t. I want to be healed of this disorder. My husband reminds me that people with this disorder can go through many years of intense counseling and still struggle with it. This is a disorder that I was genetically predisposed to have when combined with a traumatic event or loss of a caregiver. I can only really do this when I am honest about my mental growth and what still worries me. True communication about what ails me and confronting these feelings and thoughts before they result in action will be my focus.
I can easily poke fun at myself, and talk down about myself for the sake of a joke, but true and honest talk about what is going on inside is very difficult. I will now at this very moment designate my Friday blogs to be only about my mental health. and what things are polluting my feelings about myself or my life while dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder.
I have had some ok days this past week. I have also had some very down days. I have a love/hate relationship with the days where I have something planned. For instance, having an appointment at 11:45… and only wanting to read, or finish the last bit of an episode I found on Netflix can be bothersome. I must tell myself in those moments. “No, you can’t cancel your appointment to stay home.” I have to tell myself “You need this appointment more than you need to watch the rest of this show. Hit the pause button, Michelle.” I must tell you, the most difficult thing I am really discovering is controlling the urges to fall back into old habits. Thankfully, I am not talking about finding someone to rescue me from my old prison. I really feel that I have been able to stay focused on my family and mindful of the sacrifices and heartache they have already been through because of my lack of restraint, and I do not want to walk down that road ever again. The urges that I am talking of that take me back to familiar ground are my urges to online shop or stop at a thrift store to seek out that bargain that gives me a good feeling, that momentary high. I know that sounds a bit ridiculous. I am and have been struggling to stop my online “window” shopping. The kind of shopping that says, ” I will only buy something if I can’t live without it.” Then moments later you have a cartful of items, and you are telling yourself… “Just keep it under a $100 sister, you deserve it.” Seriously, this inability to control my thoughts and feelings about finding a good deal and my impulse to purchase things on sale not based on whether I need it or not has really put a strain on my financial situation. I am trying my best to be honest with myself about where I want to be in five years, and living paycheck to paycheck is not where I want to be. I have a stinking Master’s degree for goodness sake, and military experience. Why in the world am I drowning in debt. I need to improve the hold I have over my reigns on shopping urges. I understand that I can live without the momentary high for the over-all improvement of my financial situation, and to find myself in a better place when my children are adults. I am not just working on myself for me. Who I am and who I am becoming affect all those that I love.
(Above Picture) is a great example of where I was. I looked to shopping as “retail therapy.” This is the most expensive and pointless therapy ever. Do not fall victim to its alluring elements. It will only lead you to feel worse in the end. It is a feeling very close to disappointment. Oh, wait! No, that’s the feeling. DISAPPOINTMENT.
Today, I am feeling very good about the things I have done recently to declutter my life. I have done this for my kids as well. Even though my youngest still has entirely too many stuffed animals and well, toys in general. It feels good to understand what has been weighing me down in this particular part of my life and to consistently be present-minded at detaching from it’s powerful hold over me. I do not want to be controlled by urges and these momentary & fleeting “good” feelings. I am smarter than BPD. I am stronger than BPD.
Have a blessed day.
TGIF, celebrate the small victories too. We made it another week. Praise the GOOD LORD!