Hard days… yesterday was that for me and I don’t really know why. Some days hit harder than others. I know that I have much to worry about and I think I just got a bit overwhelmed. I’m sitting in the waiting room of my Psychiatrist office and I have been here for 30 minutes. It was full when I got here. Hopefully, I don’t have to wait much longer. It’s not that I’m terribly impatient, I have my dad and Everly waiting in the truck. My dad is my traveling nanny. He would rather come with me then to stay at home with her alone I think. The reason I come to my psychiatrist is for medicine. I am on Paxil and Effexor… one for depression and one for anxiety. I am also on another medication because my thyroid doesn’t work properly. I feel ok with the meds and I take the lowest possible dosage necessary as I really don’t like taking meds. I can tell that it does help though. So yesterday I had counseling late in the afternoon and I cried. I haven’t cried in a session in a while. I even said “I don’t even know why I am upset.” It just felt good to cry. There it is again “feelings” doing something because it feels good, with no logical reason behind it. We talked and I did feel better. I told my counselor… “maybe one of these days I will come in here and have nothing to talk about. She said, “ and that’s when we will know it is getting closer to the time that we will be done.” And then the next day happens, right? I feel that I will be able to manage life on my own. I’m still that kid trying to keep my bicycle upright while I put pressure on the pedals. I don’t want to fall. I don’t want to fail, so the hands on my bike keeping me steady feel necessary right now.
I have really been thinking about the reasons I have no friends. I have a few people that I know I could hang out with if I pursued them a bit, but I don’t. I tell myself that this isolation and reclusion is better. Easier. When I have bad days like yesterday I do feel like I need people, and at the same time don’t want the responsibility of handling their issues too. It’s so complicated! Relationships. Friendships. Life!
One day at a time, right?
Ok, I think they should call me in any minute.
The World in Black and White 