Yes that is a potato, and yes those are fries. It is “Fry”day, after all! I’m sitting here waiting for my daughter to finish up dance rehearsal. I haven’t been too proud of my physical health this week. Every birthday, whether it be mine or any family member’s birthday I can find reason to justify my terrible eating choices. I haven’t exercised in over two months. I’m starting to see that my mental health is worse when I am not active. I will try my best to include physical activity into my daily schedule next week, and return to my diet plan.

Living with good intentions and living with the intent to be better are completely different. I can say. I went to the restaurant with good intentions to drink water and have a salad and the unhealthy stuff on the menu appealed to me more so I ordered that instead. OR- I can go into the restaurant and say this option would be better for me and order that to reap the benefits of your intent. When we have a reason or purpose we tend to stay a bit more focused on the small goals it takes to meet those goals. I need a good goal to get me back on track. I know that eating better and adding exercise will help my mental health as well.

(Article highlighted gives reasons how exercise helps mental health)

Eating Healthy

The thing that I hope to have accomplished by Sunday is a dream board that will give me goals to accomplish within a year. I will post pictures of my dream board, I feel  this will give me the motivation that I need and desire right now.

Our lives are defined by ourselves. Our attitudes and our beliefs determine our futures. I don’t want the reason I don’t reach my goals… to be from one reason-that I didn’t have a good attitude.

Cheers!

Wow, I’m still alive at 36. Today was a great day. Lots of birthday wishes… mostly given on social media- by people I never talk to, which is fine. I chose DONUTS for breakfast (apple fritters were amazing!) lil girl had dance rehearsal and then we had a baseball game- part of pre-season tournament for the league. My son did well. He is pretty consistent! We had a normal day. Truth be told that’s all I ever want is a normal day. And then…

I did feel left out today. Baseball moms had a couple drinks before the game, and I wasn’t included. I take these kinds of things really hard. I guess I just want the opportunity to decline the invitation. I know why I wasn’t invited, what I’ve done  is too much for people to understand. I am not able to drink on my medication is my go to excuse. Socially, I still struggle. I wear a coat and mask of confidence and tell myself. I’m sure their “dirty laundry” stinks worse than mine! They just haven’t had all of their laundry hung out in full exposure, like me. My life is slowly returning to normal… I just have to remind myself that this takes time.

Well at least one of the moms asked me how things were going, after the game. I even got a hug out of it. That was nice. I came home and couldn’t knock the feeling of being a failure. It was overwhelming. It was brought on so suddenly. I let the feeling win. Even though I didn’t want to. It really was a nice day to turn 36… I’m getting older and being intentional about getting wiser.

Repeating this statement today;

I am not a failure, I will overcome all of this! I will work Beary hard! 

Want to know the start of my BPD journey and continuous battle…

Listen to Podcast here…

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN!

i·de·a
noun
noun: idea; plural noun: ideas; noun: the idea
1. a thought or suggestion as to a possible course of action.
“they don’t think it’s a very good idea”
2. the aim or purpose.
“I took a job with the idea of getting some money together”

After careful consideration of this definition, I feel that ideas can not be either good nor bad.  Everyone has the right to free thinking, so ideas should not be black or white.  What I mean by this, is that ideas are “innocent until proven guilty.”  The only way to know an idea is good or bad is once it has transformed into an action. We all know that a person may choose to ride a motorcycle without a helmet, but riding a motorcycle with a helmet is a much safer way to travel.  We protect our bodies and the physical attributes so much better than we give the mother of all ideas, our mind.  I am free to have an idea that enjoying a slice of delicious & moist chocolate cake everyday after every meal, for a week, would be awesome. However, I would not like the consequence or actions that came from my idea. The possibility of being sick, gaining dreadful weight from this wonderful idea.  If I consider the consequences of turning these thoughts into actions I have mindfully made a decision.  I have made a decision on whether or not to give that idea anymore of my energy or to just toss it as waste.

I don’t know about the rest of the world, but I feel like I generate over a million ideas a day.  I have really good intentions with most of my ideas, and others are just random day dreams.  For instance, right now, instead of writing my blog I think that maybe I should be folding and putting away laundry.  That my closet needs a good cleaning, again.  That I should run to the store and pick up something healthy for the kids and I to have for lunch.  I am also thinking about that piece of cake I described earlier.  That last bit was obviously an example of my random day dream.  Another idea that constitutes as a random day dream, is this book idea that came to me for a trilogy.  This idea was actually inspired by just one word.  Amazing, isn’t it? The multi-tasking abilities of the mind.

I know that there are people that can come up with some hairbrain (funny imagery, but what does that even mean? I looked it up it means silly or ineffective) ideas, and ideas that seem impossible and sadly, ideas that are deadly.  The safest form of an idea is obviously when it remains in the womb of our mind, resting perfectly content as it awaits it’s turn on the conveyor belt to be judged as garbage, or sent to the place they transform into actions.  It’s birthplace, everyone of us become parents to these random things that are generated spontaneously.  It is our job to see that those that could survive our harsh conditions go on to live long lives.  It is also our job to eliminate those that do not help, but bring pain and more chaos.  It is up to us, we decide what our own world will produce actions.  Those with a mental illness this battle can sometimes be overwhelming and what the rest of society needs to remember is you are fighting these harmful and dangerous thoughts with one hand tied behind your back and then there are other people that are equipped with semi-automatic weapons to demolish the negative ideas.  This delivery ward that we all frequent has many levels and there are some folks fighting the most dangerous thoughts daily with no help and no way to win.  That’s why I write to tell each person they can win.  They may be having some difficulty with thwarting the negative ideas, but you are not alone.  I also know that all of this is easier said than done.  Just remember we decided which of our random ideas are selected to become actions and we decide how these ideas should be nourished, and the amount of energy each idea might require so that it can either become, great, ridiculous or dangerous. You are in control.

This is some amazing personal insight (if I do say so myself, and I believe I just did!) This is coming from someone with a less than perfect reputation on how to react  properly to situations.  This doesn’t happen because I enjoy impersonating a lunatic at times.  The “sorter” from the birthplace of my emotions, is broken.  I am able to have healthy emotions, sometimes too healthy and then I don’t know where to put them or how to nourish or calm them.  I have been trying harder each day to identify my emotions, and then try to consider those that are imagined or way out of line… those are the ones to obliterate, and I can still have emotions that actually need some attention.  On a more controlled level.  If you are anything like me, you know that a person with BPD can take a two-word response during an argument, like, “I’m done.” to mean “he wants to leave me forever.” (ah! This dreaded fear of abandonment!) I have to look at my body, my mind, my heart as a machine that is in need of repair.  It has every capability to work efficiently.  The mental illness is not going to beat me.  I can work hard to strengthen my weak areas.  I feel today has been a great day for emotional and cognitive progress.

Thanks for stopping by!

Writing poetry, is one of my things. I have always written my feelings down in times of extreme emotions. Not words of romantic love, but emotional expression none the less.  I would turn to writing to see these almost unexplainable emotions written in black and white.  It was somehow comforting to see that choices I had made or in the process of making were not just in my head.  This made me feel like there may be others that share my way of thinking, my way of making impulsive decisions.  If I was smart enough to express how I was feeling on paper, there was nothing wrong with my mind or my behavior.  I convinced myself that it was just my uniqueness or being more creative than others.  I have made some horrible decisions in my life.  Primarily those made on impulse.  Lucky for you I will not share all of my poems here.  Some will always remain in the darkness of a closed notebook or incomplete journal that lives on a nearly forgotten shelf in my attic.  I only open up and share now as an act of rehabilitating myself.  In hopes of finding myself, and finding others that deal or have dealt with the emotions I have. Sunday will be set aside for poetry.  If you have read most of my other entries, you may have noticed that I am now finding meaning for each day of my blog.  It really is turning into a full time job.  Thanks for stopping by and I hope the words you are about to read, simply help.

A Mysterious Drink

When my pain began, I took a drink from a mysterious cup
It directed my sight away from yours, I only took a moment to look up
Only now realizing that this world that I chose was upside down
The thing that adorns my face was no smile, but a frown.

This cup of mystery, holds an enticing drink
It allows one to obey their feel, disobey their think
A familiar taste, yet still such an exotic blend
This euphoric revelation, explodes to no end
Do what feels good, not what makes sense
The rest of the world missing out on this “bliss”

Logic, missing from this mysterious cocktail
One sip from this cup, and the mind is now frail.
The mind, has now become a playground to erosion
Your own chemicals directing torture & a self-afflicted poison.

I am seriously ignorant to any other type of place
I have locked myself inside, with no clear chance of escape.

I invited you into my world before I really knew
Just how much I differ from you
The place where I have lived, is only made of black and white
Absent of anything that isn’t plain-wrong or just-right

Where is this gray world, you sit here and describe?
It sounds so normal, so boring, lacking so many of my kind
This word you just taught me, defining, CONSEQUENCE
A harsher word, in either world, has never been in existence

You say the drink in my cup, has such a deceiving taste…
At first causing this remarkable craving,
Then such remarkable waste.

Binge drinking this mixture, both still so unaware
No worries, and no real reason to be scared
For a moment, we both abandon all feelings of fear
The view of our future, well we both see it clear

Nothing can hurt us, as we walk on the clouds
Close only to each other, set apart from the crowds
I can’t believe we are here, I have dreamt of this day
Finding this person that shows me, he will stay longer than stay.

Addicted now, my blend of this deceptive drink,
You swallow all,  leaving no time to think.
The moment you tell me that you are all mine.
I turn away, this is taking too much of my time

The truth is… If I would have stayed any longer, here lies my heart.
You should know by now, I am an expert at keeping all things apart
You begged me to be more like those who live in this gray world of yours
You and all your grays are clueless of the heartache impulsive actions can cure.

The memory of your taste
Is more than I can take, so I push it further away
I can barely see you now, our feet no longer touching the clouds
I have self-destructed, while declaring a war on our lives somehow
It isn’t right I know, I have been sick and my patterns exposed
The lies, the masks, this game of trickery, so well-composed
It wasn’t you, I know now, that it was all me
Actually, This mysterious flavor you crave, is one called, BPD

The bitter taste, a detectable defect in this exotic blend
For those who have had their fill of it, again and again.
Stay far from my path, those thirsty just for fun
A small sip from my cup = darkness has won.

This poisonous drink even known to be fatal
And harmful to all, especially those mentally unstable
There they are, those of whom, I am closely akin
yet this taste, tastes too close to pretend.
Can I be present in this real world of gray
A foreigner, a tourist, just hoping to find my way.

I am being mindful now of my actions, impulses and words
Stepping into a world that isn’t black nor white, all is mostly blurred
I am asking my savior now, to sip from a completely different cup
He says he is standing beside me, and there’s no way he will ever give up

This message is here for those that I have known, hurt and loved
For I am truly sorry, I am just learning of this drink from above
This old taste may remain bitter on your tongues, it may even stain your soul
I have found the only way to relieve the bitterness, honestly, is to just let it go!

This was written for those who speak, as I speak
To remember your strength and forget where you’re weak
He loves you this second, this minute, on this very day!
You will always be remembered in my prayers, when I pray!