How many times have you been in a conversation that ended up in an argument because one of you was just honest? I have had many conversations recently where I had to hear truth, I mean hard to swallow, HONESTY! I felt like saying, “keep those things to yourself and lie to me.” My ego may be just a bit too fragile. I can add here that anything that is negative sounding honesty I say the person is just being mean, because I have an internal struggle with portraying perfection. I really had to take a good long look at myself and understand that while the truth is hard to hear, this is where growth happens. I know the difference of being mean and being honest. The person that told me these things was not trying to be mean. They wanted me to look at things from their perspective. Empathy is not a strength for a person that has BPD. Their is a liberating feeling that comes from accepting the truth about who you are, then realizing people do exist in the world that will love you for ALL that you are!
I have had to hear that I am “selfish, deceptive, cold, cruel, heartless, not able to love, irresponsible, unreliable, impulsive, brash, blunt, a procrastinator, unaware of myself and unable to see how my actions affect others, and last but not least, crazy.” I have also heard all of these things from one person, my husband. He has been with me for 11 years, he knows me. He would surely give me an accurate description of who I am, right? An honest description of how he views me. I can accept these things now, before accepting my disorder, I would try to defend these things about myself. Who wants to be seen like this? I will tell you… No one, we all try to show the pretty side of ourselves to the world. Our “Parade-ready, big smiles and incessant waving” self for the world and save the “Messy bed-head, no make-up, sweat-pants wearing” self for those closest to us.
I can not change these things unless I first accept that these are things that are also in my toolbox. I can be selfish, deceptive, cruel, heartless, not able to love, irresponsible, unreliable, impulsive, brash, blunt, a procrastinator, unaware of myself and unable to see how my actions affect others, and last but not least, crazy.” Just because I can be like this, doesn’t mean that I have to be. The other side of this truth is that I have heard that I can be the most fun-loving person, too friendly at times, too trusting, non-judgmental, hilarious, imaginative, creative, and full of potential, I have been told that I am a great teacher, a great writer, a wonderful wife and mother, a good person. I want to think these are the only things that people experience of me. The truth is, it’s not. If you have known me for some time you have seen the bright shiny parade, and you have also seen the dark and gloomy, couch potato.
Of course we love having people tell us what we want to hear about ourselves. To only reflect our “parade-ready” selves to help add layers of protection to our egos. If you don’t have someone in your life to put aside the bull-shit and give you the full list of how they see you, I don’t imagine you will ever grow or evolve from the person you are now. If you have someone in your life that can speak honestly about all that they see in you, tell them Thank You! They are helping you become who you were meant to be. I am writing this and thinking at the very same time that I have not been very thankful for honesty in my life. I have been so good at deceiving others and had relied on the power of creating my own truth for so long that I have been depriving the world of who I truly am, plain and simply put… I can be ME and you can be YOU! Enjoy looking into your tool box and picking out the best tools for the job you have ahead of you today. You are the creator of your daily masterpiece, what will you create? Please remember that honesty works both ways, share your honesty with others not to impede their growth.
The old saying goes “Only a true friend would be that honest!” I have been the topic of much gossip in the town where I live now, and my little hometown. Obviously the choices I have made in life, my journey including my mistakes have made my life quite juicy with erotic undertones and misunderstood obstacles. The better the gossip king/queen, I assume the more my name has passed through their lips. I know that my life may be interesting, but let me be a true friend today and tell you this. If you aren’t accepting your own truths about your life and all the flaws that make you who you are, don’t attempt to share anyone else’s. That is all! Life is too short to only focus on the negative parts of our journey, learn your lessons and move on. The struggles that lie ahead await your new found strength. Let this be a lesson to others, that I have had to learn the hard way. Be a true friend, everyday… and be the truest of friends to yourself!
This post was motivated by the last two weeks of my life and a couple of conversations I have had with some friends. I haven’t stopped writing, I just stopped writing in my blog to work on a life-long dream of writing a book. The words just started flowing the other day and I didn’t want it to stop. I have made it to the start of Chapter 3 with only 50 more chapters to write. I can’t wait to complete this project, one that I have always wanted to accomplish. I am a person that has always loved to get lost in books, and could travel to other parts of the world through pages in a book. I hope to provide this sort of travel to my future readers. Thanks for stopping by and I hope that you have received something from my words today.
I honestly hope you all have a wonderful day!