Tag: Love yourself
Season 2: Episode 7 – “The Borderline’s Garden”
PODCAST LINK: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0bCrBZ25jGURp36yykT0ut?si=rlLOoiMxRjSEIf-q5O1Xcw
We have been dealing with a lot over in our neck of the woods, my absence is mostly related to my brief summer break from teaching and well that just translates into a break from routine. During this break from “root-ine”, I started to realize just how frequently my mind is busy generating thoughts and how those thoughts quickly blossom into feelings. Those feelings then ultimately direct my actions. This realization made me aware of the negative thoughts I was allowing to grow, and well that is where "A Borderline's Garden" originated from.
Well, here we go, I am glad you are here to listen. Let me know what you think & please comment if you are inspired to share your thoughts with this Ol' gardener.
It always starts out so small, a tiny seed that gets planted in my grandiose garden of thoughts. The place where all thoughts are nurtured before blooming into actual real feelings & behaviors. My negative thoughts are the most durable of seeds. They also grow into the most stubborn of weeds. Each durable seed collected during childhood. Nurtured by every crisis event of my youth. Now as an adult, I can spot the full-grown mess of stubborn weeds. Monsters really, glaring at me from time to time. Taunting me with their incessant noises, consistently spewing reminders of my past failures and only encouraging my insecurities to blossom. Even though I can identify the root of my problems now, I’m often feel too vulnerable or too emotionally immature to handle the task, the job of removing the stubborn weeds that had been planted before I became aware of the delicate state of my overgrown thought garden.
I drifted off to sleep after working on this post. I’ve been working on this one post over the last few months. For whatever reason, this work let my pre-slumber positive mindset fall directly into a nightmare. I woke quickly around 4am, clammy, bothered & unable to fall back to sleep. This nightmare made me question a lot of things about myself. I laid there in silence, heart & mind racing, eyes unable to focus, mouth dry, covered by the cool darkness, my mind tossing about several conflicting thought seeds. Normally, I would have started crying and rolled over to ask my husband to provide some sort of comfort for me. This morning though, my reaction was a little different, I was able to calm myself without his help just by eliminating the terrible thoughts and focusing on the actual situation.
First, I began to question the origin of each feeling. I knew that everything I was feeling had just sprouted up from this bad dream. Could these thoughts have originated from my subconscious or were they from some darker place within my vast thought garden, a place I tend to visit too often, that place called paranoia? I knew I could test the validity of each thought. What are the test standards? – If it lowers my frequency or lessens my energy, the seed should not be planted. If it leads to truth and love, the seed can remain in my garden. I knew that a few specific bad seeds had already been planted, based solely on the developing insecurities the nightmare had encouraged. My insecurities are not founded in reality, rather based solely on my feelings. I can be in a loving relationship and still feel unloved and undesirable. I compare myself to other females nearly every day. If I am not as physically strong as them, then I feel weak. If I am not as pretty as them, then I feel disgusting. There is no middle ground for the mind of a borderline. It either is or isn’t. This black and white thinking is destructive and leaves very little room for grace. The battle of sticking to the truths of who I am remains most of where my struggles lie, and why this is such a serious disorder. Nothing is certain, and when everything is based on how I feel my entire concept of reality shifts from moment to moment. I should have thrown those seeds out long ago, but I didn’t know what I was doing. A novice thought gardener back then, those negative seeds grew into stubborn weeds, nothing good.
How could these small little thought seeds grow into such enormous monsters? They do at times confuse and scare me, but I don’t want them completely taking over my thought garden. The bad seeds feed on my fear like it’s some type of miracle grow. This fertilizer or “insecurity shit” it transforms the smallest of negative thoughts into these full-blown nightmares, only the type experienced in real life.
I know I’ve not been the best kind of thought gardener; I just toss out every kind of seed without identifying whether I want it planted in my garden or not. I am guilty of thinking too much! My thought garden now vast & just like in real gardens, there is a ton of work to do. The weeds (my negative thoughts) show up in my garden randomly and frequently. They require no help to go from destructive thoughts to insecure feelings, they just suddenly appear and then I suddenly feel “less than”. The moment I notice these monsters in my garden, they begin extracting unusual powers from my insecurities, As the weeds settle in and begin to establish roots, they also simultaneously begin to construct catastrophic stories that my negative thoughts affirm will be my future reality. This experience must happen for all bad thought gardeners… Giving into the weeds, because we didn’t know how to nurture the proper seeds.
I’ve been trying a peculiar method these days. Be the gardener with a green thumb, protect and nurture the good seeds the ones you are responsible for and throw the rest away. Armed now with the knowledge that you must only tend to the garden you decide to plant, have planted, and will plant. Be a wise gardener. Identify your seed, provide an environment where it will grow best, be aware of what you have already planted so you learn what you should plant each season. * Tip: If good things can’t grow in your environment, change what you can control of that environment.
This will not be some quick and easy fix for managing “The Borderline’s Garden” and each may still get caught up in the weeds. I know this fact personally, as I still have terribly low days, like the one I experienced just a few days ago… but being armed with this truth helps me dig my way back up towards the sunshine. I welcome the warmth of the sunshine and the embrace it brings to my soul.
For the individuals that live with BPD, we know the intensity of sorting through our numerous thoughts. Our minds busy generating various types of thought seeds all day! Our mind’s motivation for this overproduction of thoughts is our never-ending desire to satisfy our constant yearning of one thing, to “feel” loved. The mind offering only the familiar sad justifications, listing reasons why you will never be good enough & that you should never believe that anyone will stay. The stubborn weeds you have left unmanaged for so long, now great at reminding your psyche that everyone eventually abandons you. Remove those monsters, they will never produce anything good.
Listening to the utterances of these monsters repeatedly, leads to a certain type of thinking, “I am not good enough, I’m not fun enough, I’m not witty enough to maintain the attention I crave from anyone anymore… if I don’t have this desired attention, then I do not have love. If I do not have love then I will be left alone. Unloved & abandoned, two of my greatest fears married together to successfully tackle one objective… Destroy any & all joy.
The truth is each person ultimately gets to decide what will grow best in their grandiose gardens. You can either ignore the weeds until they take over or you can address each thought seed upon arrival, be diligent in protecting your precious garden of thoughts.
Announcements!!!! (Next Episode Info!)
All I have been seeking lately is some reassurance that I am enough.
Someone without knowledge of how BPD affects the individuals that battle it, would never know the seriousness of this disorder. They wouldn’t know the seriousness of mine, unless of course I bring them into my inner circle. There aren’t many people there, and I am probably overreaching by referring to it as a circle. I don’t even have enough people in it to make a circle, it’s my inner semi-circle. I mask it well, my loneliness. My deeply planted insecurities are pretty well hidden from the outside world. I know that I have the ability to hide it when I need to, but moments like last night make it impossible for me to keep those ugly monsters completely locked away. So instead of locking them up inside my thought garden, I have decided to do the hard job of cleaning up the mess of overgrown weeds and getting back to tending to my more positive thoughts. Tending to my thought garden.
I finished this blogpost and discovered a little bit more. The nightmare was sent to apparently convey a message. After thinking about the dream all day, realizing that I was constantly worried about being abandoned that I was on my way to securing that as my future. It was as if while sleeping I had been visited by the “Ghost of Christmas Future.” He drew the connections to the time I had lost my faith in love during my youth & what I had been seeking to replace that lost faith, maybe I was seeking a lust for romance and adoration. Understanding that connection led me to more questions… If God is love, had I lost my faith in God? Have I been actively rejecting love, choosing only to survive? Choosing list and romance and adoration over love. I know now that if I want to live, and not just remain in survival mode, I must learn to love myself & others, showing each and every individual grace, acceptance and understanding. By rejecting love to self, I had been earnestly working towards securing a future of loneliness. It is a reassuring thought that we are never alone, and I pray that no one is ever without love! God Bless!
For more information or useful strategies, listen to my previous podcast episodes or check out other blogs by individuals with BPD that understand it is a constant struggle, and wake up each day ready to continue the fight… Maybe you could even start writing your own blog.
After wrestling around with all the thoughts that it took for me to produce this piece, the Bible verse that came to me was (plfff!) 1 Corinthians 13:6. The actual verse that talks about love starts on 13:4
Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs…
Take a break you deserve it!
* Next episode I am hoping to have Sarah back on with me. We briefly discussed what we would like our chat to be about and I just love collaborating with her. Please check back next month for Season 2: Episode 8.
Fighting BPD…
How real is this statement in your life?
“The chronic emptiness and lack of identity. I am a ghost, stitched together with fragments of those I’ve known throughout my life. I pick apart their personality, and create this sort of ugly Frankenstein…I, even at the age of 26, still do not know who I am or what I like/dislike. There’s nothing more harrowing or isolating.” —(from themighty.com)PwBPD Yasmin A.
Bless you Yasmin. Thanks for sharing this. It touched my heart in a way I didn’t expect. I hope the following words help those that feel the same way.
I just want to share some positive thoughts about these “BPD things” we do flawlessly & without any real effort to do so.
Yes, we are fragmented in our emotions, we had to resort to this to survive, because we are highly sensitive to the emotions of others. We tend to absorb reactions, all of them (even the ones that haven’t happened yet.) Which means we often pick up the slightest differences in someone’s mood. We feel let down when others can’t do this for us as naturally as we do, and sadly we need it a lot.
Yes, We mirror in order to be received by our POI (person of interest) who was so intriguing, that they were able to awaken our curiosity. They in one way or another offered us a new & different approach to the world.
You allow yourself to absorb the parts of their personality that attracted you to them. During this process we may find some parts we don’t approve of or we may even attach too much value to the little bit of attractive personality they offered us. Either way, we tend to discard them because to love someone fully is painful. We understand that they don’t love like we do on a cellular level.
We will sabotage any relationship either to test the durability or to get them to move on.
Yes, we love big & we shower our POI with all the attention and love that we are just wanting to be reciprocated. A matched intensity.
We aren’t the bad monster in this world. We aren’t the “Frankenstein” unless you are consciously choosing to cycle through these emotional hurricanes without taking inventory of what it is you are actually seeking .
We were broken at times in our lives when we should have been protected. Our high sensitivities to people and situations was established on a subconscious level to protect us from further harm.
We are able to survive most any situation and get a long with any type of person.
We wear an emotional blanket that we have “stitched” together to act as an added layer of protection from the world that taught us early on that you need to be many things in order to make it out alive. (So we absorb various personality traits.)
You aren’t the monster. We have been trying to find the most useful personality, because at some point in our lives we received the message that ours wasn’t enough.
We have a lot of emotional sensitivities that allow us to persevere through intense & tough situations, not to mention doing all of this with an intensity and passion that can make other’s heads spin
We are highly perceptive to what the needs of others are, because we were conditioned to take care of the external & surrounding chaos at some point in life.
People that have been involved with a PwBPD would love to paint us as the monster, but maybe we are just mirroring & exposing all of the things they would like to remain hidden. We become what they aren’t pleased with and when that picture settles and the image comes through they “feel” that we have somehow changed them or abused them. No, in most every case we take the intentional beating and intentional abuse in order to protect others. I have learned, the toxicity I dish out happens after I have had my fill of disrespect or complete disregard of my thoughts or opinions. I honestly believe That those suffering from a brain disorder has taken the blame for too long.
I’m now no longer fighting the world. I’m fighting my brain for control. I will no longer let my innate and toxic defense mechanisms rule my life. They are kept in check by fiercely and persistently staying present.
Be a monster if you have to, but realize the war for you is internal.
(I’m now seeking me!) I’ve given every person I’ve ever met the opportunity to show me something good.
The better we are at seeking our authentic selves. The more equipped we arrive to the battle.
Life is a struggle, we were trying to live it by seeking comfort in a world that doesn’t understand how uncomfortable we are all making it. Thinking that we should seek comfort is one of the first lies we need to eradicate from our beliefs. Get uncomfortable, we aren’t monsters… We are fighters! Love you Yasmin, and anyone else that is fighting a battle!
First Book In The Works
“Oh The Places You Will Go… “
There is no journey, quite like the one we go on, when we decide to explore ourselves. ~M. Clonch
There have been moments in my own life that would completely boggle the mind of most people. You see, I know that for a fact as I’m the one that has made these decisions and sometimes I’m even perplexed as to how I could have made such decisions. I have led my life with my feelings mostly in charge of the reigns. If it seemed that it could meet expected, desired results, then I would agree to do certain things. This led to some impulsive and downright selfish behaviors. Now, I’m sure most people would say they have done things in their own life that they aren’t proud of. If SHAME were a bed & breakfast I booked myself a room there and stayed inside the executive suite, brewing shame & self loathing for several days, & at the very worst of it, I’ve stayed months & months. I think the cleaning lady finally came along & kicked me out. 😂
I am guilty of staying at this place several times, and still, I am guilty of revisiting the entrance to this place from time to time. When I maintain self-awareness, I can simply observe quickly of the mental place I have arrived and decide it’s not where I want to be. Understand that something should be learned in this moment and then simply move along further on the journey. One could also succumb to the alternative & just book an extended stay at the “I Hate Me Hotel” and wallow in self-hate. The option is always there, but you must realize the final decision is always YOURS.
I choose to be in a state of constant motion, not so much a physical state of motion, but I keep my brain active. It’s best not to book a long stay at the “I Hate Me Hotel!” So if I find myself at the entrance & if you accidentally find yourself here, this is my advice; Step 1) realize you are about to check in to the worst place ever & then request an early checkout. Know that there will never be refunds, and it will cost you dearly if you choose to stay. Step 2) Take note of the path you took to get here, and avoid that path. It was only meant to be traveled once. There is no need to return.
Hopefully, by this point we are both envisioning the “I Hate Me Hotel” as this run down hotel, that kind of resembles a haunted house. It needs a lot of TLC, and everything about it is dark and uninviting. I’ve learned that this place physically exists in our minds. Personally, I know that my mind at times can be very dark, a self-deprecating place. This place can speak awful things about ya the entire duration of your stay, and one should never expect to have any fun while staying there.
I’ve also discovered a lovely place, we will call this place “Peaceful Retreat” this can be a place of deep self- love, self-forgiveness, intense joy and appreciation, oh yeah and sarcasm. Yes, sarcasm- this is one of my most refined personality traits. It has to be included at the “Peaceful Retreat”!!!! 😂
Throughout my personal journey and experience with these “places” we can stop in & stay, this I have learned. YOU must agree to stay there. No one is forcing you and no one can rescue you from it, except YOU! If you learn how to identify these internal points of interest, you can discover new routes that may help you avoid the traffic jam (depressive state) all together.
I have learned to recognize the places I travel regularly, my husband calls this my patterned behavior. In all my years, it seems the only routine I was sticking with was killing me on the inside. Now when I arrive at these “points of interest” I ask myself, “do I really want to stay here? And at such a high price?” Fully aware that if I choose to stay in that place it will tear me down internally first, then it will promote havoc externally. Knowing that this mental state only aims to tear me down or mentally wreck me, makes it much easier to now say… “umm no! Not today Satan! I don’t want to feel bad about who I am.”
Ok, so what does this all mean? Discovering yourself and going on an internal journey. First off, the journey can take years, so pack a bag that will help you stay prepared for anything. You won’t realize all the difficult terrain you will come across. I suggest throwing in a few people that you know you can trust & that can help you along the way with some external insights & brutal honesty.
Enjoy the journey, you are the guide, you are the amusement, you are everything. { “I” am not in your journey, but “YOU R”! }~M.Clonch
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading. I hope I have helped you recognize something about where you might currently be in your journey and that your next destination completely relies on you!
My journey has currently taken me in a direction that allows the stronger and more beautiful parts of who I am to shine, and this light helps me see more clearly of who I hope to become. pray that my journey is a long one! Check out Www.TheEmeraldGypsy.com to see my current point of interest. I’m loving it, I’m not the greatest at it yet, but I’m giving myself the opportunity to try to be. Love and peace to all! Stay Safe!
Falling in Love With My Authentic Self…
Every year, I find myself evaluating my life’s journey as my birthday approaches. This year will be the last year in my thirties. I don’t think 40 is that old, now that I’m sitting so terribly close to it. I look at all the things I have experienced over the last 300+ days of my 38th year and try to evaluate all the ways I could have been a better person, while quietly celebrating the times I am sure I did my very best.
Dissolving the lens I once used to look at myself, helped to initiate a sudden series of revelations. Removing this lens allowed an opportunity to meet my true self. At first, I began to see who I had always been. The innocence that I thought I had lost, resurfaced, reminding me that it had never left. The curiosity, I used when exploring my world as a child, gained intensity. The biggest inner transformation occurred when I decided to accept all of my mistakes.
I mean all of my mistakes, the big ones, the small ones, the consistent mistakes, and my future mistakes. I forgave myself with the most simple of intentions. I recognized that I was already forgiven, the only living soul without sin, the man with a flawless record, had not only forgiven me, he painfully & selflessly sacrificed his body without deserving any of it. He took my lashings, he bled for me. He wept for me. He died for me.
If he could forgive me, then it would be a “perfect” thing for me to also forgive my past transgressions as well as any future transgressions. I thought deeply about his physical sacrifice, the pain he endured on my behalf. All so that I could be saved, and instead of choosing to live within this gift of eternal blessings, I was choosing to live in the physical pain of sin. He knew long before you & I were ever born that ALL humans would need this absolute forgiveness. I started chipping away the deception I had lived in most of my life. The idea that I wasn’t enough. A lie! The idea that I was not created with a purpose. A lie! The idea that I was set to live out the path my mother had cleared for me. A lie! The idea that I couldn’t be a messenger for God because of my sins. A lie! The idea that my soul was lost or confused. A lie! I began to rebuke the lies. I began to tell myself the truth. I began to love myself, not in a selfish way, but in the way I could finally see my soul as not being perfect, but as a soul that was formed and yet still worthy of His only son’s sacrifice. You are worthy of forgiveness and that was why such a huge sacrifice was necessary, a perfect sacrifice for a multitude of sins.
With a large dose of truth & pure light I began to forgive myself… I noticed that I was no longer just a blossom, but a beautiful bouquet of self-love.
This past year has awakened me in more ways than I ever thought possible. Each day bringing new & welcomed challenges, as well as a new level of self-awareness. Becoming self-aware unlocked some deeply buried potential. This higher-level of awareness began to absolve the negative lens I had used to view my life. Looking back now, I can clearly see that this had been the singular lens in which I had been looking through while trying to find purpose in my life. It is difficult to find your truth and your purpose when the view is covered in lies (the negative lens).
I became acutely aware of boundaries I had permitted to be crossed and broken, I became aware of my detachment from the meaningful parts of life, and learned of the places in which to apply necessary boundaries. I searched myself for all the pain and injury from my past that I had allowed to reside in my spirit, and began to write eviction notices. I had carried them all for far too long. Childhood trauma, you can leave! You are evicted. I don’t need you. I can take care of myself now, as well as I take care of my own children. (This required a lot of forgiveness and a huge release of carried resentment that I felt as it physically detached from my spirit.) I grieved each time I evicted past injuries. I had to intentionally set aside time to forgive the people that I felt had taken advantage of my kindness, my innocence, my goodness! I had found that I had subconsciously held onto this pain for most of my adult life as justification for my own errors. I had been living life like some sort of weary traveler, loaded down with negative feelings, thoughts and emotions.
I now have a greater understanding of myself & that there will always be things that I encounter that I will try to hold onto, and I can at times be better served by just relenting my control. If you are like me, you may try to control most things in your life, so to release this control can be very challenging. Learning to let things go can be a painful exercise, understanding that we are unable to direct specific or certain outcomes can be comparable to cutting off one’s own leg. I had to figure out where my ability to change things began/ended. The moment I became aware of myself and the parameters of my influence. I began to better understand and give proper respect to the outermost boundaries of my influence. This helped me relinquish the control I once held onto so tightly. A firm grip is not long lasting. My firm grip would soon lead to the loss of any type of grip allowing moments for everything to spiral out of control. I’d find myself completely exhausted, waking among the aftermath of the storm, I had created.
I didn’t know how to find me, and instead of broadening my search, I kept looking in the same old places. I kept looking for me in other people. No one knew what I was looking for or that I had felt I had been a missing person. It was easier not to explain my search… not to ask who they thought I was? Secretly, I would search my surroundings and people I had been around to find what I alone had been hiding. Who am I? What did I want? What was my purpose?
For the longest time I couldn’t distinguish between the things I’d done to please others versus what I actually wanted. I know I’ve made decisions in the past prescribing to a life that is better for everyone. These decisions however wise, left me feeling proud and yet confused. Some passing moments or events would cause me to question my motives. It was only when I would seek the stillness and the quiet that I could realize my purpose. I’d realize my heart. Some memories swirl tirelessly there. Kept guarded internally, so I can keep them safe. The heart/soul, is a vast container of all that is good, it holds everything that is dear, it also contains and provides love.
My mind can often be confused by the sacrificing of self, (My flesh). It is only when we have removed the flesh can we discover our spirit. My soul will seek to understand His will, my self will seek to understand my own will. When I relinquish control now I do so confidently knowing that my purpose is to fulfill His will and not my own. Remarkably, with this understanding you realize nothing brings greater spiritual fruit. My own happiness grows through acknowledging my spiritual purpose. Love Abides in me and I am in Love with who “I Am”!
Praying for peace during these uncertain times! Remember, you belong, you have a purpose and know that you are loved! Thanks for reading!
Recipe:People Pleaser, Yields 1
After watching the above YouTube video the following thoughts emerged. As I continue on my journey of self acceptance and self love… I dig much deeper into my childhood and realize now that there are very specific details that helped make me into a “super people pleaser!”
Want to know how one becomes a “super people pleaser?” Here is a short list of things that I have personally identified as common things people may have experienced or endured, which increases the likelihood of becoming a super people pleaser.
Ingredient #1] stress on the mother during pregnancy. This is said to release more cortisol levels for the unborn child. (Some have also said that this can create emotional disregulation because the unborn child is receiving too much of that stress hormone in utero that it literally messes with the design of the brain.)
Ingredient #2] place him/her in an environment that is strict and also stingy with positivity.
My mom and dad… What a long story. First of all, bless their hearts. I know that they were doing their best! I can honestly say that now after being a parent now for over a decade, & looking back at my mistakes in parenting. It’s not an easy job. Anyone that says otherwise is in denial. Trust me!
Ingredient #3] praise the child only when they do exactly what you want them to do.
Growing up I was constantly told to listen. I grew up with a very authoritative dad & my mom was just enough of an authoritarian that whatever she demanded, we delivered. She made sure that we listen to her and that we weren’t allowed to have our own opinions on things like food or clothing, anything really. We were always told “you’ll take what you can get & like it.” A seriously dangerous mantra from my childhood, and I just realized this is the reason I have a hard time making decisions for myself now in my 38th year of life. Doing what I want to do seems like an action for royalty, not me. If you treat your children like peasants they will expect bread crumbs, but will settle for any piece of the crust when it is presented. It will not matter if it is their piece of the pie or not they just want more than crumbs. They want to believe that they are worth more than crumbs. This idea that they aren’t able to make decisions for themselves leaves them listening to others needs and wants while suppressing their own. Ignoring the voice that makes them unique and authentic. This idea that they are unable to access this voice and be heard has been ingrained into their brain as if to know that the voice/desire to have what they want is there, but it is out of order. The child continues through life looking to everyone else for the answers and listening to “these so called answers” even to their own demise. Because their core value or belief of who they are rests on the belief that “you are only a good kid if you do what you are told.”
Well that was enlightening. Illuminating for myself even.
2020 has been quite the ride. We have been diligently working on remodeling our home. We are nearing completion and have redone every room of the house. I will be posting photos soon of all the changes. I will be very happy to complete this huge project, it has been a difficult one.
Happy Holidays everyone! I’m praying for a peaceful 2021!
I’m looking at the “GREY”
More specifically, I chose to finally add “Grey’s Anatomy” to my list of things to do when the world stopped functioning normally and told all of us to stick it out inside of our homes (for an unspecified amount of time.) I knew this was a lofty goal to set… to complete this mega-series. I just had to do something.
Why had I waited so long to start watching GA? … Well, I asked myself this exact question just a day or so in to watching the show.
The series had started at the end of March, 2005. The cast is full of McDreamy’s (@PatrickDempsey) and McSteamy’s (@EricDane) and the line up of actresses are women you either want to ask to be your friend (@SandraOh) or emulate. (@EllenPompeo) they did amazing with casting.
I could have used this show in 2005, but during that time in my life, I am not sure that I would have appreciated it near as much as I do now at 38 years old. At that time, I was about to wrap up 4 years of active duty service at my final duty station, Ft.Benning, Georgia. Just finishing up my time as a war-seasoned E-4, Corporal. I was struggling a bit to find myself knowing that I was no longer the small-town girl I was when I entered the military. How had I lost myself so much during these 4 years away from home? Had I experienced too much independence, maybe? Is that even a thing, too much independence? Was it necessary for me to go through all of these things to lose her? The person I was told to be. (Sorry writing out loud.)
I wasn’t going back home or back to that small town. I had just gotten engaged and had been busy planning my wedding, which was quickly approaching in just a few months. I would sit for hours after work sewing on my wedding dress, pondering what the rest of my life as a soldier’s wife would be like? Truth! The idea of a wedding at this point petrified me. I did know that I wanted to hold onto that respectable soldier, and this was the next step. We managed to stay together for 4 years. He stayed in the Army and I moved back home. The call of the familiar was too loud for me to just ignore.
I created a fantasy future while absorbed in a different series. A series that involved Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda & Samantha. Yes, I was living out lifestyle fantasies with the girls from Sex in the City. I wanted to go live in New York City and have a sophisticated lifestyle comparable to theirs. Instead, what I opted for was marriage to that respectable soldier and a move to Ft. Bragg. I guess I did a few things to live like those gals and still do. I shop like all of them (*thrift stores) act confident like Samantha & write like Carrie ! 😂
I believe the real reason I didn’t cave to watching Grays Anatomy at that time, was I didn’t just do what was popular or on trend, I did what I wanted, when I wanted. The truth was, I had no idea what I was missing out on. This show is a dream come true for the person with BPD. (Borderline Personality Disorder) So many of the characters deal with trauma, had I watched this in 2005 it may have been too early in my life, it wouldn’t have resonated then the way it does now.
You can see two characters in particular display great growth throughout the show as their characters suffer major losses and heartbreak. Meredith Grey and Alex Karev are very relatable and you grow to cheer for their success despite whatever chaos they invite into their lives.
Thank you @ShondaRhimes for creating such a great series! Your talent is amazing and inspiring.
Just watched Season 10: Episode 14 this song came on and it just makes sense about changing the world. The only thing we have to do is start with OURSELVES.
This show was more than entertaining for me it was therapeutic and the cast became friends for me during the lockdown. I know I will watch it all over again because it made me laugh. It made me cry. It made me feel, which showed me life isn’t over. To end this little blog post this is a little quote that Meredith Grey’s mother would always say to her.
🎠 “The carousel never stops turning” – Ellis Grey
So pick your favorite seat and hang on! Have a great day and if you decide to watch Grey’s Anatomy let me know what you think. It was a 10/10 for me!
#SelfhelpSaturday Post 1
Debt Relief Programs – TOP TEN
Debt, oh how it can envelope us. Drowning, is the term you may often hear used with the word debt. As everyone that has ever said those words, “I am drowning in debt!” really need help. How does one go from the life of credit cards, and fake freedom to a life using cash and actual financial freedom.
I of course am no expert in financial freedom, although someday I hope to be. Why listen to me? Umm… I am starting the journey to become debt free. Learn from my mistakes. That way more people, especially young people don’t make the same mistakes that I did.
As I take this first step towards this debt freedom, I realize I am about to work my way towards the most difficult journey of my life, almost like physically climbing to the top of Mt. Everest. Not many people reach the top of Mt. Everest (approximately 4,000 people) over 200 people have died, here is the list of those that lost their lives to the climb trying to reach the top of this 29,000 ft. peak. I was actually surprised to find out that over 4,000 people have successfully reached the top of this ginormous mountain. These climbers are proof that it isn’t exactly impossible, but that this is also an event that not everyone will be excited to sign up for. Talk about discipline and a little bit of insanity to sign up for this. And similarly, most people never realize the mountain of debt they have been building in their lifetime, and just where to gain the experience and wisdom needed to become an advanced climber to reach the peak of this mountain and claim it as their bitch. How do we do this? More importantly, how do I do this? 🙂
How severe is debt in the United States? This is not a place of mystery for most. I just googled it and those that are reliant upon credit to survive is at 40% according to “TIME”, and of course this percentage goes up to 45% when the income decreases below a $50K yearly salary. I don’t make $50K. I am not happy about being with 45 % of the population that relies on plastic to make it. plastic and the numbers that rely on it for everyday purchases
I know the struggle, and it appears that 45% of people making a similar salary or sadly, below the amount I make, understand this struggle too.
My first step this week has obviously been to find a way to manage the debt I have incurred over my lifespan. I want to do this on my own, so I only want to manage this solely on my income. I have recently reached out to a debt relief program. Freedom Debt Relief Website I know one thing is certain they do not consolidate or pay off student loan debt. This makes me sad. 50 % of my debt or more is student loan debt. This debt sadly stays with you until the grave and somehow I have heard that it can follow you there too.
Second step, realize my problems with credit card usage, and use methods of budgeting and only make purchases with cash. Do not touch allotted savings each month.
I also need something to invest in. Any suggestions?
My #selfhelpsaturday for April 7th, 2018 is about finances and being debt free. Hopefully in a year from now we can see some progress. Day 1, and step 1 of several.
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The World in Black and White 
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