Strategies that have helped me during my shift from suffering from BPD and trying to pick up the pieces to building a life I am proud of. Take a listen!
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Sunday: A Day for the Soul – Part 5
Pink bunches of balloons with pink ribbons that curl
Another year celebrating our epic little girl.
Year one is full of small giggles & coos.
We learn that you love to play peek-a-boo!
Blonde hair and blue eyes, aggressive and strong
How did we ever get a child that’s blonde?
Year two, sniffles and doctors, tissues and shots
Lots of dresses, shoes & toys man oh man do I mean LOTS!
You are talking and singing and finding out your likes.
it won’t be long now until you’re riding a bike.
Year three flew by for all of us, I think
you have grown so much and now I don’t want to blink.
You have so much love and such a crazy imagination
I never knew God could make such a beautiful creation.
Mommy and daddy are Oh, so proud of you!
It seems like only yesterday that you were turning two.
Year four we aren’t ready, but we will smile anyway
Loving you baby boog always… Happy Birthday!
Better Late Than Never:) Podcast Episode 4
I have spent most of the day in the ER with my husband, his job takes him out into the country to shoot footage for films and he is now undergoing treatment for Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Thanks to a little bitty bug that wanted to suck his blood. It has been a day, but staying mindful and appreciating the small victories is helping me. This podcast and completing it today is one of those victories. Please keep my family in your prayers. Have a blessed night!
I will try to get caught up tomorrow.
A Day Behind… Literature Reviews
I have made it to Chapter 64 in “Choose The Life You Want” the chapters are delicious bite-size morsels. I enjoy chewing them slowly. I know you will too!
One of my favorites up to this point is Chapter 47. The title explains a lot “Lash Out at Those Close to You -or- Respect Those Close to You.” Summed up it means one person can’t be everything. “No one is perfect, no one has it all.”
I seriously need to remind myself of this, everyday. Not just for myself, but in my dealings with those closest to me. I know that I tend to lash out on those that hold the most intimate roles in my life. “I should instead highlight the traits that I admire and appreciate. Treating the person/s with the love and respect they deserve.”
I also need to do this when dealing with myself. Not expect perfection, but appreciate the traits that I admire about myself. Finally, treating myself with love and respect.
This is a work in progress, it’s very easy for me to forgive others and move on as I expect mistakes from others. Except, I have never been so forgiving of myself. Anyone that has followed my blog has been able to read of my mistakes and short-sighted reactions to life.
I am working at focusing time and attention on important facts when faced with decisions. I have been better at controlling my impulses, after forcing myself to think it through to the end result. This change in thinking has caused me to stop purchasing items that I like that don’t fulfill a need.
This is a short post today, I have stopped reading in the other book… only until I am finished with this one. I felt I should consolidate the amount I was focusing on all at once. I have also had a little bug this week and haven’t felt like doing a whole lot.
Have a great week! 
Sunday: A Day for the Soul… Part 4
Wow, this means that I have stuck with something on my own, without any external incentive for over a month. I am pretty proud of myself. I have realized a lot about myself over the past few months- That there were definitely two things that I had lost over time which are taking time for myself then not feeling guilty, and to reflect on my own choices. It is nice to force myself to remember these things on a daily basis. That self love and self care are a way of respecting yourself, and not a sign of being selfish. The better you care for yourself the better you will be able to take care of your loved ones.
A Modern Day Tale ; How They Met!
I met him on an online rating site. (I know, how very romantic)
Checking things off the list…looking for my prince.
handsome, check
Smart, check
Tall, check
Now we just had to meet in person, right?
Is this wise, oh well! What the heck!
We meet at my work, late one night.
Easy to talk to, look at, wow! Could this be?
I will need another date, just to see.
We agree, this is something we did not expect.
We are “In Love!” How perfect!
Thus begins the lifetime of carnival rides.
all the unexpected surprises of life.
Not the kinds of rides that are well intended
The kinds of rides where your insides get blended
Although it’s all kind of blurry, he somehow still falls for me
We were quickly side by side, almost bound legally
but after one of you are safe within, yes, born before we were wed.
Do you take me to be your lawfully wedded wife?
To have and to hold, through sickness and in health?
As long as we both shall live?
He says yes, and so do I,
You may now kiss the bride!
Don’t forget those mentioned carnival rides.
They never go away.
You’ll understand this someday.
The twists and turns, the ups and downs that we continue to endure
Seeking now that our little family, feel stable and secure.
There are no fairy tales that warns you of this journey,
Only promises of the happily ever after glory, holy matrimony.
Never warning that some love stories may deal with disaster.
So we both continue looking for the happily ever after.
Missing out on the journey, only focused on the destination
I tried to pull the plug on our lives, twice, I turn in my resignation.
Only for it to be denied.
There are some things in fairy tales that do come true,
Prince Charming, is the person that can see right through you.
Your daddy rescued me, he rescued all of us,
I was spinning around on one of those rides,
and your daddy stayed much stronger than I
He looked deep inside himself, and held us together.
He says he will love all of us forever.
Don’t forget those carnival rides.
They never go away.
So remember our love story, even the parts that aren’t so sweet.
The moments we learn from, the people we meet.
Don’t look to Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, or Snow White
They have never really lived any sort of life.
I am sure in some fairy tale land, far far away
They live happily to this very day
They only miss out on the journey
and all of the moments are what is necessary
to remind us of what makes us happy!
Podcast #3 and My Self-Evaluation
I did notice today that I may in fact need friends for emotional support. I think I can handle a small circle of friends. It was nice to see that she was doing so well. I loved hearing about her sister, and the success she is finding in her young life. I was sad to hear that her mom and dad are no longer with us. It is crazy how easily we could talk about anything and everything. It was like we hadn’t experienced any time apart. I really enjoyed sharing the newly found self-awareness, I have recently experienced. To hear that she had been making it through her own struggles made me aware of her strength. She says to me, “Isn’t it crazy that life doesn’t ever turn out how you think it will?” I replied with a nod of the head… “So true!” I am understanding now we all need friends, good friends, to make it through this thing called life.
I have put so much pressure on my better-half, he has to be almost everything for me. I know now that this amount of pressure on a person can’t be healthy, even though he has been doing an amazing job of getting me through these past couple of months since accepting my diagnosis. I realize one person can’t be another person’s everything. It is not healthy. If you love the other person you wouldn’t want to put that amount of pressure on them, right?
A friend that I have had since Junior High came to visit with her two babies today, and has always been a person I have never had to be false around. She was one of the only people ever invited over to the run-down, trailer house we called home. It was refreshing to hear that she felt I was never dishonest around her. I was like… “Yeah, but there are several ways I was being dishonest. I would wear masks, and mirror individuals, and was deceiving myself.” Luckily, she knows where I come from, she knows my heart and knows I have the ability to be brutally honest. She had seen so much from me over the years, I could see that this was a little hard for her to believe now. I love my friend, it felt nice to catch up, and I am truly thankful that she was there for me as a kid, and has reminded me that she is still here for me now. Thank you!
Ok, so who else wants to join my exclusive circle of friends… I have room for about 3 more, maybe?
Tell a friend that they are the reason you smiled today. I bet it will make them smile too!
Podcast #3 (coming soon)
My weekly schedule a little out of whack. getting back on track today. I may only have a few listeners out there among millions, but this commitment is really about me & my recovery. Learning to do what I say I will do is vital for my recovery.
Everyone say a quick prayer today. We all shall persevere!
Tuesday: Time for Literature Reviews
I now carry a book with me wherever I go. I never know when an opportunity to read will arise. The book “Are You Smart Enough to Work at Google?” sits inside the middle console of my truck. The book, “Choose The Life YOU Want.” is securely placed inside my purse. I have found I like taking them with me. A tangible goal always at the ready. I get much more satisfaction feeding my mind and mentally digesting something that is good for me. I have already spent so much of my time seeking that immediate and less satisfying mental fast food called social media. It may feel good at the time, but it can often leave you feeling worse than when you just entered into that world to fight boredom or to keep the social media withdrawals at bay. It was bloating my mind. I now notice that if I am on those apps it is to only make a post or seek out positive messages. I read with intent. I must practice this everyday, and that is the life I choose. I want to live intentionally.
“Choose The Life You Want”
Chapter 30 (Establish Your Superiority – or- Make others feel good)
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~Maya Angelou
I love this quote and the thoughts that it provokes. It shows that how we treat others is really the most important thing. Relationships have always been a weakness of mine. A byproduct of Borderline Personality Disorder. I bring people in quick and expect them to take care of the relationship. I really spend very little time maintaining friendships. It isn’t that I don’t love my friends. I am often found searching my brain and my soul. These activities are isolating activities, and the only person that I have found that enjoys searching my mind and soul as much as I do is my counselor. I have to pay her to feel that way though. I feel that realizing the importance of healthy relationships with people that I love requires work on my part as well. The more I work on this the more I grow. I have been developing emotionally these past few months and I can feel it. I love being aware of myself. Before accepting that I was standing in my own way, I believed that I could do almost anything on my own. That was an ignorant and obvious self-deceptive justification. We may be capable of doing things on our own, but doing life with people that you love and love you is much more fulfilling, and it also shows you the areas in your life that need nurturing, that need support, that also those things you may have allowed into your life that need to be removed.
I have been reading these books a bit slower than I normally read, because I am also studying each chapter, letting it melt in my mind to savor the flavor of each meaningful word. After this I can choose to prescribe certain things to my daily routine. I have noticed that it is causing many changes to occur. I love that it is. I am feeling more in control and less at the mercy of my mental inefficiencies.
If you are searching for a way out of the blah, reach for a good book about being mindful. It is helping me everyday. It isn’t a sprint. Savor the flavor.
Have a wonderful day!
Sunday: A Day for the Soul (Part 3)
Tick-Tock
Time, constantly fleeing from me,
I’ve chased it, I chase it, I am chasing.
Don’t waste valuable minutes retracing. 
What started as a game, leads me down a spiral staircase,
Feeling sick and scared, I hate this game of chase.
Why won’t it just stop & discuss things, face to face?
Time never tires and the wind never leaves it sails…
I can run until I collapse, my mind and body fails
Play this game of chase again? only time will tell…
As I grow older, I am so focused on finding more time.
Catching only a minute to take in the sunshine.
A second to breathe, a second to unwind.
I am seduced by the thought of winning the game.
It taunts me everyday, screaming out my name.
Every second changes me and time remains the same
I charm the seconds to convince them that I am worthy.
But they soon realize my request is self-serving.
Time can’t be caught, for it is always fleeing.
You will only catch a few seconds, before they disappear.
Time is making it more and more clear…
That time isn’t something to be feared.
Time plays games, a champion of hide & seek.
I call “time-out” only it can’t hear me.
Is my desire to catch time sought selfishly?
This thought leaving me confused and concerned.
How much more will it take before I learn?
Time isn’t something I must work hard to earn.
It was given to us, a gift from heaven sent.
That time isn’t running from us, only a tool for measurement.
The decisions I have made are measured in moments.
I choose my moments, how long I will stand in the sun.
I know now that time works for me, but always on the run.
The Paralyzing Aspect of Anxiety… (Self-Help Saturday)
The article above explains why repeated exposure to places, or events may help us manage our intense and anxiety-ridden feelings about those situations in a more confident manner. This article supports the idea that allowing something to become habitual makes it a less stressful event. The thing that most people do when met with a situation that creates a feeling of anxiousness or fear is to avoid it, so the feeling of vulnerability doesn’t overwhelm their senses. Science says that one way to beat it, is to expose yourself to it, repeatedly.
I can remember being an elementary student that feared speaking at all, much less speaking in front of a classroom full of kids… I believed that this role took a very courageous individual. I felt like all of my teachers must have been superheroes. To be so confident, all were able to speak so freely and with so much authority.
I felt at that age, I would never be able to speak in front of people; however, I grew up. I had to take speech, sing in choir, and do some news anchor intern stuff for a college class.
Eventually, after some time, I was the person standing in front of the classroom speaking to all of those kids. The crazy thing here is… I still feel like that elementary student at times when I am asked to speak in front of the same amount of adults. I know where this fear stems from and I also know that I have the ability to overcome this fear. I will overcome this fear with more exposure. Just remember ANXIETY is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. We control so many other feelings, why do we let anxiety control us? Consider this anxious feeling I have about public speaking being comparable to paralyzing stage fright.
There are several things that we may be asked to do throughout our day that could awaken overwhelming anxiety. After all, anxiety is an emotion. We can handle the emotions that bring about good feelings, and in life we learn to avoid those that bring about bad feelings. The trick here is to learn what causes theses overwhelming emotions, be present when you are feeling them, and if need be take your mental focus to something in the situation externally that is more pleasant than what you are feeling internally.
I know that being bitten by a poisonous snake is something I have always feared. I don’t imagine I will go handle snakes over and over until I am milking a viper.
This fear doesn’t halt my everyday existence. I know that each time I take a hike up a mountain or through high grass in a field someplace there is a chance that I will come into contact with a snake. It doesn’t control my actions, I have a healthy fear of snakes. There are those that are controlled by the emotional leash of anxiety. This emotional leash of anxiety is one you can choose on how you would like to respond. It shouldn’t stop you from living. Don’t become the pet on the end of the leash of anxiety. We should remind ourselves that we are the owner. The one in charge. Thoughts and emotions shouldn’t paralyze us, ever. Everything is always so much more aesthetic in theory and so much easier to say than to act on. As I write this, I know how hard it will be to practice. One step at a time, I don’t plan on jumping into a pit of snakes anytime soon.
Use your time to practice controlling that emotion. If we can release the control it has over us by exposing ourselves to the things that limit our everyday existence. Imagine all of the confidence gained from growing through the intense emotional control. Be over anxiety, by allowing the feeling to pass. Practice this and very little will be able to stop you.
Do you struggle with anxiety? What are things that has halted you in your steps? Have you ever tried to immerse yourself into that feeling to see how long it took for the feeling to go away? I am asking for a friend.
Have a great day!
The World in Black and White 
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