Podcast #3 and My Self-Evaluation

happy cup

I did notice today that I may in fact need friends for emotional support. I think I can handle a small circle of friends. It was nice to see that she was doing so well. I loved hearing about her sister, and the success she is finding in her young life. I was sad to hear that her mom and dad are no longer with us. It is crazy how easily we could talk about anything and everything. It was like we hadn’t experienced any time apart. I really enjoyed sharing the newly found self-awareness, I have recently experienced. To hear that she had been making it through her own struggles made me aware of her strength. She says to me, “Isn’t it crazy that life doesn’t ever turn out how you think it will?” I replied with a nod of the head… “So true!” I am understanding now we all need friends, good friends, to make it through this thing called life. coffee

I have put so much pressure on my better-half, he has to be almost everything for me. I know now that this amount of pressure on a person can’t be healthy, even though he has been doing an amazing job of getting me through these past couple of months since accepting my diagnosis. I realize one person can’t be another person’s everything. It is not healthy. If you love the other person you wouldn’t want to put that amount of pressure on them, right?

A friend that I have had since Junior High came to visit with her two babies today, and has always been a person I have never had to be false around. She was one of the only people ever invited over to the run-down, trailer house we called home. It was refreshing to hear that she felt I was never dishonest around her. I was like… “Yeah, but there are several ways I was being dishonest. I would wear masks, and mirror individuals, and was deceiving myself.” Luckily, she knows where I come from, she knows my heart and knows I have the ability to be brutally honest. She had seen so much from me over the years, I could see that this was a little hard for her to believe now. I love my friend, it felt nice to catch up, and I am truly thankful that she was there for me as a kid, and has reminded me that she is still here for me now. Thank you!

small circle

Ok, so who else wants to join my exclusive circle of friends… I have room for about 3 more, maybe?

Tell a friend that they are the reason you smiled today. I bet it will make them smile too!

Sunday: A Day for the Soul (Part 3)

Tick-Tock

Time, constantly fleeing from me,

I’ve chased it, I chase it, I am chasing.

Don’t waste valuable minutes retracing.

What started as a game, leads me down a spiral staircase,

Feeling sick and scared, I hate this game of chase.

Why won’t it just stop & discuss things, face to face?

Time never tires and the wind never leaves it sails…

I can run until I collapse, my mind and body fails

Play this game of chase again? only time will tell…

As I grow older, I am so focused on finding more time.

Catching only a minute to take in the sunshine.

A second to breathe, a second to unwind.

I am seduced by the thought of winning the game.

It taunts me everyday, screaming out my name.

Every second changes me and time remains the same

I charm the seconds to convince them that I am worthy.

But they soon realize my request is self-serving.

Time can’t be caught, for it is always fleeing.

You will only catch a few seconds, before they disappear.

Time is making it more and more clear…

That time isn’t something to be feared.

Time plays games, a champion of hide & seek.

I call “time-out” only it can’t hear me.

Is my desire to catch time sought selfishly?

This thought leaving me confused and concerned.

How much more will it take before I learn?

Time isn’t something I must work hard to earn.

It was given to us, a gift from heaven sent.

That time isn’t running from us, only a tool for measurement.

The decisions I have made are measured in moments.

I choose my moments, how long I will stand in the sun.

I know now that time works for me, but always on the run.

The Paralyzing Aspect of Anxiety… (Self-Help Saturday)

Anxiety…

The article above explains why repeated exposure to places, or events may help us manage our intense and anxiety-ridden feelings about those situations in a more confident manner. This article supports the idea that allowing something to become habitual makes it a less stressful event. The thing that most people do when met with a situation that creates a feeling of anxiousness or fear is to avoid it, so the feeling of vulnerability doesn’t overwhelm their senses. Science says that one way to beat it, is to expose yourself to it, repeatedly.

I can remember being an elementary student that feared speaking at all, much less speaking in front of a classroom full of kids… I believed that this role took a very courageous individual. I felt like all of my teachers must have been superheroes. To be so confident, all were able to speak so freely and with so much authority.

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I felt at that age, I would never be able to speak in front of people; however, I grew up. I had to take speech, sing in choir, and do some news anchor intern stuff for a college class.

old teacher Eventually, after some time, I was the person standing in front of the classroom speaking to all of those kids. The crazy thing here is… I still feel like that elementary student at times when I am asked to speak in front of the same amount of adults. I know where this fear stems from and I also know that I have the ability to overcome this fear. I will overcome this fear with more exposure. Just remember ANXIETY is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. We control so many other feelings, why do we let anxiety control us? Consider this anxious feeling I have about public speaking being comparable to paralyzing stage fright.

stage fright

There are several things that we may be asked to do throughout our day that could awaken overwhelming anxiety. After all, anxiety is an emotion. We can handle the emotions that bring about good feelings, and in life we learn to avoid those that bring about bad feelings. The trick here is to learn what causes theses overwhelming emotions, be present when you are feeling them, and if need be take your mental focus to something in the situation externally that is more pleasant than what you are feeling internally.

I know that being bitten by a poisonous snake is something I have always feared. I don’t imagine I will go handle snakes over and over until I am milking a viper.

viper milk

This fear doesn’t halt my everyday existence. I know that each time I take a hike up a mountain or through high grass in a field someplace there is a chance that I will come into contact with a snake. It doesn’t control my actions, I have a healthy fear of snakes. There are those that are controlled by the emotional leash of anxiety. This emotional leash of anxiety is one you can choose on how you would like to respond. It shouldn’t stop you from living. Don’t become the pet on the end of the leash of anxiety. We should remind ourselves that we are the owner. The one in charge. Thoughts and emotions shouldn’t paralyze us, ever. Everything is always so much more aesthetic in theory and so much easier to say than to act on. As I write this, I know how hard it will be to practice. One step at a time, I don’t plan on jumping into a pit of snakes anytime soon.

Use your time to practice controlling that emotion. If we can release the control it has over us by exposing ourselves to the things that limit our everyday existence. Imagine all of the confidence gained from growing through the intense emotional control. Be over anxiety, by allowing the feeling to pass. Practice this and very little will be able to stop you.

Do you struggle with anxiety? What are things that has halted you in your steps? Have you ever tried to immerse yourself into that feeling to see how long it took for the feeling to go away? I am asking for a friend.

Have a great day!

Literature Updates… “Are You Smart Enough to Work at Google?”

First off, if genius is not book smarts, but defined as a person’s creativity; I could work here. However, the more I read this book the more I realize the loads of information that is out in the world, that I have yet to learn. Should I worry about all that I don’t know? I do, a little! I want to be an intelligent person, and something that stops me from going after more lofty goals, is the thought that I don’t know enough. But then I turn my thoughts to appreciate the things that I do know. I also appreciate the new things I am learning each day. The thing I should remind myself is that I can still learn all that I will ever need to know. Right?

I have made it to Chapter 6, this chapter involves information about logic puzzles, and well since using logic to make decisions isn’t my strength… this might be why I am having difficulty finishing the chapter. It is more difficult for me to understand. It could also be that I started reading another book; and so that has caused me to put this book on hold at the moment. I do like reading it though. It makes you consider greater possibilities. It makes me dream of working at a place that appreciates the quality minds that they have working for them. I pushed my way through chapter 6. I am glad I did. It gave me a new way to organize my closet. This information is vital for someone like me. I have been working to change my habits though. I know that I do not like living in disarray. I am working to get everything just as I need it.

In the book they are still discussing the types of questions one could encounter during an interview with Google. This type of question about closet organization is considered an algorithm question. It says, “you have a closet full of shirts, and its very hard to find the one you want. How would you organize the shirts for easy retrieval?” The answers vary ranging from setting up a system similar to a dry cleaner’s retrieval system to just labeling and establishing storage bins. Arranging clothes from least popular on the bottom of the bin to most popular on top. This will decrease the amount of time you waste rummaging through your clothes. I want to do this now. Now, I just need to find the appropriate bins.

Maybe these…

Storage ideas… AMAZON

The other book I am reading “Choose The Life You Want” I have made it to Chapter 15. The chapters are much shorter in this book and the messages much more concise. This book has already helped me confront procrastination. I know that I still have that tendency, but at least I know that I can take 5 minutes to just get the project started and I am more likely to finish. I love the outcome of my newly painted living room. The gray really feels nice, clean and welcoming. I am excited to tackle other projects now. I have several chapters to go, there are 101 chapters to the book.

This book is very helpful for someone suffering from depression, anxiety, and of course BPD. Here is a list of contents. 9187928B-D3EF-49E0-BEED-BDA58550800B

Tomorrow I will be posting my weekly podcast. I will be including my personal story, what led me to being diagnosed. What that did to me emotionally. How it has affected my kids and my husband. I hope that everyone can check it out. My hope is that I can bring insight to others who struggle with this disorder. Pray that I stick with my schedule of producing one per week. I always hope to have a new podcast added by Wednesday.

Have a terrific Tuesday!

Sunday: A Day for the Soul (4-15-18)

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The manual my doctor skims through, the DSM-5

listing labels, he says, “point to the one that best describes.”

I felt like I was being quizzed, to see how well I knew myself.

Borderline Personality Disorder, eyes growing wide, did I pass the test?

Wait, what? How could this be? I love my personality.

How could there be something wrong with me?

Turns out my amygdala is smaller, and over-worked

causing my emotions to be intense, I look like the jerk.

That isn’t the only thing functioning incorrectly

My pre-frontal cortex, also known as the PFC

is a major culprit in the reasons behind BPD.

It keeps one from mediating their own choices.

Good and Bad, share the same voices.

It’s more than a matter of using your wise mind,

Our impulse is to react, without being kind.

This behavior sounds childish, you may even say!

these under-developed parts of my brain, are probably ok.

I am working very hard at beating this disorder,

I would love for my brain to grow, as I continue to get older.

I know that it has caused many disruptions in my life

Causing people that I love to endure unwarranted strife.

What I want for myself, is the same that I want for you

Help me see where I am weak, and believe in what I can do.

I have become aware of my tendencies and weaknesses

my impulsivity, my anger and memory losses.

walking numb through life, completely unaware

wasn’t producing anything worthy to share

I have been awaken to a whole new way of life

God didn’t forsake me, he has allowed me another chance to be a wife

a mother, a sister, a teacher. He has literally shaken me to the core

I am now so excited about all that He may have in store.

I know life is to short to be living in pain

so look away from the losses, and look forward to the gain.

#SelfhelpSaturday (4 – 14 – 18)

paint color

The above picture shows the color I chose for the living room. (Acier Gray: Sherwin Williams )

Late Friday night, I finished up painting two walls of my living room a beautiful matte gray. The paint has a very neat and clean finish. I chose a matte finish as it seems to be so pleasing and easy on the eyes. Painting two walls doesn’t sound like much work to most who will read this blog… or may not even sound like much of an accomplishment. After moving the furniture, cleaning the walls, patching any screw or nail holes and taping off the trim/crown molding, I felt like I had completed a pretty intense project. All while keeping a 3 year old, occupied. Of course she had to help mommy paint the walls. She really did most of the painting, I just trailed behind her and spread all the globs out. LOL! My goodness, what I wouldn’t give for her level of energy again.

I was just looking up my color choice and found that there is a shade called : Mindful Gray. That will be my next paint choice, maybe for the hallway. Here it is pictured below.

mindful gray

I wrote about procrastination and a few methods that can help everyone to not put off projects until the last minute. Rather, get started on those projects by diving in. Stop putting things off. Painting my living room was one of the projects I had been putting off. It was the fault of my thoughts, obviously. I had tossed around all the work that would be required to complete said project, and those thoughts bouncing around in my mind kept me from just diving in.

The beauty into diving into any project you may be avoiding, is of course that initial feeling of accomplishment once you complete it. It also provides more energy within to tackle other things you have been avoiding. It has a way of propelling us forward to complete tasks we once felt would be too much work. Just being mindful about my attitude towards projects makes me aware of the priority of the task. I have found if a task is mundane or redundant I will put it off until it absolutely has to be done. I am hoping to change my attitude about these tasks. If I am successful, dishes and laundry should be mostly done everyday. LOL!

I know that I am not alone in my attitude with procrastination and the good feelings it can provide us after we have invested the hard-work required. sherwin williams

We had a ball tournament for my son this weekend and it was blistery cold. The wind blowing at least 20-25 mph. I nearly froze. They ended up with the 2nd place title after losing the 2nd game on Saturday, then playing numerous games on Sunday (back to back) to get back to the championship game. I know that my son was tuckered out. He fell asleep just as soon as he had some good food in his tummy.

On Saturday, after he had played a couple games we all sat down to eat a meal at a wonderful restaurant here in Oklahoma called, La Baguette. The food is always amazing, and they ran out of our choice desserts before we were ready to order them. We still found some delicious tasty treats to cure our sweet tooth.

la-baguette

I noticed that my son was being very quiet. He is a normally very calm and quiet individual regardless and maybe this quiet is only noticeable to his mother. At any rate, we started talking because I wanted to know what was on his mind. He told me that he didn’t really want to play baseball anymore. This actually wasn’t true once we talked it all out. He was almost ready to make a decision based on how he was feeling. He liked baseball. The truth was he wasn’t too happy about a few things that happened with his performance and the reaction he received from his coaches. I was able to talk him through it. If I had not been mindful of his behavior, had I not been there to just listen to him and ask questions and use methods that I personally have to use he may not have understood what he was going through and could have performed poorly on Sunday. His perception of the game would have been different and he may have felt that he was being forced to play. I could see a remarkable difference in his performance on Sunday and I am proud of my son to see how sometimes feelings can get in the way, and it is helpful to talk about those feelings, to be heard, and to have those feelings validated. I am so thankful for my babies and hope to continue working on myself so that I am walking proof that any one of us can overcome obstacles. The small ones, the big ones, the surprise ones. I am helping myself today by staying focused on the little people that hold a huge place in my heart.

Have a great day!

Being Mindful & Being Present

The post today will cover my thoughts and feelings on being mindful and my mental health self-evaluation. I have found that the self-discovery continues, and as I dive deeper into how I process life, my reactions to situations and people, the more I’m realizing how much Borderline Personality Disorder has continued to create turmoil in my personal and professional life.

I missed my opportunity to post yesterday, and oddly enough I should have posted not just because I want to write everyday… but, I want my Thursday posts to be about being mindful. So I did live my life yesterday with intention. I had counseling, so my entire day was focused on being mindful. I spent most of my day being present with my daughter. We went to the library after dropping big brother off at school, we both found a couple of books and she enjoyed playing with the nice Lego table they have for the little people. I watched her enjoy building and creating new things. She built a beach that had an alligator and Lego people. She said, “This was so much fun, mom!” It was fun to watch my little girl analyze all of the little pieces available to her and what she would do with each piece while creatively building this beach. She is so imaginative. I don’t remember using my imagination half as much as she does. I am so blessed to be her mommy.

mindful

Counseling went very well. We went over the “How” on being more mindful. My counselor had one of the books I was looking for at the library. They didn’t have it, so I felt blessed to be able to borrow one of the books that the kids’ counselor had suggested. The book is called “One Minute Mindfulness” by Donald Altman. I will start reading that wonderful piece of literature after I finish the book that I just checked out from the library. The one I am currently reading is called “Choose The Life You Want.” by Tal Ben-Shahar. I have already finished 7 chapters, and really like it. Chapter 7, is called Procrastination. Who is guilty of this? Most everyone, right? The author says to use a helpful technique called “The Five-Minute Takeoff.” I can see how this method would be helpful. The objective here is to just dive into that project or chore that you need to accomplish for five minutes. Once you do this for five minutes you are at a better place than you were before, because now you are actually doing something productive and not procrastinating, but acting. I am about to use this technique to paint some walls in the living room. I bought the can of paint several weeks ago… and yes I wanted to paint right away, but I had too many other things that stopped me. I did what I normally do, I complied to my feelings to just procrastinate. I feel that I am always waiting for the perfect time to paint. Folks the truth is this – Perfect timing doesn’t exist. procrastinating

Click here for more advice on how to beat procrastination!!

Self-evaluation. I feel more aware, and less on autopilot. I have been living so much like a zombie and never realizing why (minus the eating and craving brains part). My past included an established a routine, something easy and comfortable. I could easily set my destination on Michelle’s Map as “just get through the day.” (like a google map, but more accurate). I have literally coasted through a full day before on numerous occasions. I have had moments throughout those days where I would kind of catch myself realizing that I was just going through the motions, and I would say to myself… “this is so easy, I am doing things and not even thinking about them.” WTH? Why do I do this? I love being present and intentional so much more. It really does awaken our spirit. When we take time to pay attention and be present. It is more about experiencing the things around me, the things that make up my world right now. Appreciating the small and delicate details of the people and experiences we are blessed to share. I am learning that this is truly one of the biggest blessings in life. Our ability to experience, to see, hear, speak, touch, feel, taste. I am so very rich to be given these things. I will not take these great blessings for granted ever again. Life is a wonderful thing, you just have to be mindful of all of those wonderful things it consists of.

Bless you,

Be intentional today and as you listen today pay attention to the message, as you talk today be true to your heart and mind, as you feel notice the texture and temperature, as you inhale notice the natural aroma of your home or the environment. As you take notice of the things around you, look at it with the amazement, like that of a child, that is seeing it for the first time. Life is really amazing, and being mindful of that really can change your mood.

Friday Feelings- My mental health self-evaluation day

My “Thank God it is Friday!” Face…

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Looking inside yourself, truly searching for who you are… then trying to describe yourself to others should be a skill that is perfected at my age. I will be turning 36 in less than two weeks. I should be pretty good at this by now. Name any person I should know better than myself. I am drawing a blank, but honestly forcing myself to evaluate my thoughts and my current progress is a bit mind-boggling right now as well.

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I told myself that I would start being more mindful, and what better place to start than being mindful of who I am and who I am becoming daily. I can honestly say for me and many others that this task of truly inspecting yourself without bias is one of the most difficult things to do. It is easy to make excuses and to draw sympathy from others with these self-proclaimed excuses. I don’t want sympathy, sometimes I feel like I want sympathy. I really don’t. I want to be healed of this disorder. My husband reminds me that people with this disorder can go through many years of intense counseling and still struggle with it. This is a disorder that I was genetically predisposed to have when combined with a traumatic event or loss of a caregiver. I can only really do this when I am honest about my mental growth and what still worries me. True communication about what ails me and confronting these feelings and thoughts before they result in action will be my focus.

I can easily poke fun at myself, and talk down about myself for the sake of a joke, but true and honest talk about what is going on inside is very difficult. I will now at this very moment designate my Friday blogs to be only about my mental health. and what things are polluting my feelings about myself or my life while dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I have had some ok days this past week. I have also had some very down days. I have a love/hate relationship with the days where I have something planned. For instance, having an appointment at 11:45… and only wanting to read, or finish the last bit of an episode I found on Netflix can be bothersome. I must tell myself in those moments. “No, you can’t cancel your appointment to stay home.” I have to tell myself “You need this appointment more than you need to watch the rest of this show. Hit the pause button, Michelle.” I must tell you, the most difficult thing I am really discovering is controlling the urges to fall back into old habits. Thankfully, I am not talking about finding someone to rescue me from my old prison. I really feel that I have been able to stay focused on my family and mindful of the sacrifices and heartache they have already been through because of my lack of restraint, and I do not want to walk down that road ever again. The urges that I am talking of that take me back to familiar ground are my urges to online shop or stop at a thrift store to seek out that bargain that gives me a good feeling, that momentary high. I know that sounds a bit ridiculous. I am and have been struggling to stop my online “window” shopping. The kind of shopping that says, ” I will only buy something if I can’t live without it.” Then moments later you have a cartful of items, and you are telling yourself… “Just keep it under a $100 sister, you deserve it.” Seriously, this inability to control my thoughts and feelings about finding a good deal and my impulse to purchase things on sale not based on whether I need it or not has really put a strain on my financial situation. I am trying my best to be honest with myself about where I want to be in five years, and living paycheck to paycheck is not where I want to be. I have a stinking Master’s degree for goodness sake, and military experience. Why in the world am I drowning in debt. I need to improve the hold I have over my reigns on shopping urges. I understand that I can live without the momentary high for the over-all improvement of my financial situation, and to find myself in a better place when my children are adults. I am not just working on myself for me. Who I am and who I am becoming affect all those that I love.

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(Above Picture) is a great example of where I was. I looked to shopping as “retail therapy.” This is the most expensive and pointless therapy ever. Do not fall victim to its alluring elements. It will only lead you to feel worse in the end. It is a feeling very close to disappointment. Oh, wait! No, that’s the feeling. DISAPPOINTMENT.

Today, I am feeling very good about the things I have done recently to declutter my life. I have done this for my kids as well. Even though my youngest still has entirely too many stuffed animals and well, toys in general. It feels good to understand what has been weighing me down in this particular part of my life and to consistently be present-minded at detaching from it’s powerful hold over me. I do not want to be controlled by urges and these momentary & fleeting “good” feelings. I am smarter than BPD. I am stronger than BPD.

Help for those that struggle with IMPULSIVE SPENDING.

Have a blessed day.

TGIF, celebrate the small victories too. We made it another week. Praise the GOOD LORD!

Mindfulness

Quotefancy-33042-3840x2160 So I decided after my counseling session today that I would add a few things to my routine. I have to be more mindful of the things I accomplish in my day while working at being more present. I decided that I would read a chapter of a book before writing my blog entry for the day. The book I decided to start reading today is “Are You Smart Enough to Work at Google?” By: William Poundstone. I am only reading a chapter per day. I can handle small goals that ultimately lead you to reaching bigger goals. Today the first chapter tells the origin of the name, Google. I had actually heard of the word ‘googol’ before as it is used in the mathematical sense. Oddly enough I heard this from one of my students, that had been instructed by his parent to ask me if I knew what it was. I said, “the website?” He confidently said “No, the number.” I said, “nope, never heard of it.” I had a more in depth conversation about this from said parent during a parent/teacher conference. I am sure he meant to make me look stupid with this new information, but I just wanted him to talk about his student and leave, so I could continue with the other 40 conferences we needed to conduct. Well, he did eventually leave.

The reason I personally chose to add reading to my routine today after counseling, was my intention to be more mindful. I never actually thought about the concept of being mindful. I so often run on auto-pilot. The more mindful I am of myself, my surroundings, and the people in my life the more I should see an improvement in my mental health, my over-all physical health and my financial health. It seems like everyone is mindful, right? Stop what you are doing, look around you, what do you notice?

I sat down intent on writing my daily blog and noticed that just to the right of the bar in our kitchen a stack of neat books. Books that I have had either given to me or that I have collected from thrift stores with every intention on reading. I wasn’t being mindful of my urges when I purchased so many books, as when I purchased these books I didn’t really have time to read them. I mean I might have been able to, but I would have had to sacrifice something else in my life at that time. I need to be more mindful of my spending and why I am making purchases. What purpose does that item fulfill.

What gives you joy? What brings you peace? I have found that I am peaceful outside, more than I am when I am inside. That I am joyful over a hot cup of coffee (no cream or sugar necessary.) I am also a person that enjoys spontaneous adventure, or to find time to gain more knowledge. What is one way to do both of those things without breaking the bank… Reading. I love to read. I always have. It needs to be included in my daily routine. I love it just as much as writing.

Living life being mindful sounds easy. Once you consider the time it takes to appreciate all that is around you, it may not seem so easy anymore. I will try to be more mindful of my activities, my urges and those people with whom I share life with today and from now on.

The first chapter of the book was great. I am so glad that I read it today. I even imagined I could go to an interview with Google. The work environment sounds incredible. The first interesting thing that I found while reading is a quote from Nikolay Gogol. He describes in his story “The Overcoat” the difference between those that fix and those that create. “The abyss that separates tailors who only put in linings and do repairs from those who sew new things.” It is a different world for those that create from their imagination (creative mind – creators) and those that only rely on what they have been taught (academic mind- scholars). I love what Gogol says and also the quote from Einstein. Creativity can often be overlooked. I want to be mindful of my creativity.

Have a mindful day, inspect your surroundings. How does it smell, sound, and feel?

Stone Flake on A Lake

I was not in control of my emotions last night. Brad received a bill from his lawyer in the mail. He opened his mail as soon as he stepped inside. The bill was for our day of mediation. And that day was pretty expensive. Her one day of work is more than I get paid in a month. That part wasn’t the important part. The important part was the anger he was feeling and directing towards me. I wasn’t in physical danger I have never been with him, but I knew some harsh words might be swirled around at any moment. At that moment he was transported in his memory to the days that I had chosen to leave and attempt a new life. I was running from my own pain. Trying to outrun my own lies. The days of deception and selfishness are behind me, why doesn’t he see that. He was feeling all of what I had done to him and to our children all over again. I hate these reminders, I hate what they do to him emotionally. I felt destroyed last night. He was hurting and angry and needing to feel those emotions and I tried to rush his processing time. Why? Because, I don’t want him to feel these feelings. That was something I did, I don’t want to do it again. I don’t want BPD affecting my decisions.

He hit me with truths last night. He hit me with them so hard that I couldn’t find a reason to justify what I had done. The only thing left for me to do was to accept responsibility. I had to accept this pain. I wanted to run. Where would I go? I wanted to not feel this extreme pain. It flooded my head, my chest… and the only way to get rid of this pain was to cry, ugly cry! Annoying cry, I can’t catch my breath because I’m hyperventilating cry. I was hurting so bad and he said that my wailing and gasping for air was scaring our kids. I tried to stop, I wanted to stop, but my emotions would not do as they were told. After about 2-3 hours my meltdown calmed and we could resume with life. It makes me hate BPD. It makes me hate myself. I really hate hurting the people I love. I don’t like to disappoint.

Stone Flake on A Lake is a meditating skill my counselor gave me. It wasn’t helping yesterday,but it had been effective in the past. You simply imagine a flake of stone hitting the top of the lake, everything in me becomes cooler the atmosphere of my mind calms to see this small flake of stone hitting the top of the lake and then it slowly falls into the water destined to hit the bottom. But the one imagining this decides how many times it will glide back and forth before finding itself on the lake bottom. I like this method, it is calming. I had waited to long to start this coping skill so it was ineffective. As I look back on the order of events I probably should have started that skill as soon as I found out what was in the mail. Prepare myself to receive things with a calm mind and spirit.

Today was a rough day! Not only did I deal with that from about 8-11pm. I watched the teacher walkout throughout the day. The state of our education system is crumbling. It’s crumbling from all sides. The fact that our state officials aren’t taking this seriously is more than disturbing. This bothers me so much, because teachers have been disrespected for far too long in our state. The schools and it’s inhabitants should be valued and respected.

I will write more on that tonight or tomorrow. I need some breakfast.

Boiled Easter eggs to the rescue!

Have a blessed day! Thanks for stopping in to read my story.

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