Podcast #3 and My Self-Evaluation

 

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2 cups Podcast: Episode 3

 

I did notice today that I may in fact need friends for emotional support. I think I can handle a small circle of friends.  It was nice to see that she was doing so well.  I loved hearing about her sister, and the success she is finding in her young life.  I was sad to hear that her mom and dad are no longer with us.  It is crazy how easily we could talk about anything and everything.  It was like we hadn’t experienced any time apart.  I really enjoyed sharing the newly found self-awareness, I have recently experienced.  To hear that she had been making it through her own struggles made me aware of her strength.  She says to me, “Isn’t it crazy that life doesn’t ever turn out how you think it will?”  I replied with a nod of the head… “So true!” I am understanding now we all need friends, good friends, to make it through this thing called life.coffee

I have put so much pressure on my better-half, he has to be almost everything for me.  I know now that this amount of pressure on a person can’t be healthy, even though he has been doing an amazing job of getting me through these past couple of months since accepting my diagnosis.  I realize one person can’t be another person’s everything.  It is not healthy.  If you love the other person you wouldn’t want to put that amount of pressure on them, right?

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A friend that I have had since Junior High came to visit with her two babies today, and has always been a person I have never had to be false around.  She was one of the only people ever invited over to the run-down,  trailer house we called home.  It was refreshing to hear that she felt I was never dishonest around her.  I was like… “Yeah, but there are several ways I was being dishonest.  I would wear masks, and mirror individuals, and was deceiving myself.”  Luckily, she knows where I come from, she knows my heart and knows I have the ability to be brutally honest.  She had seen so much from me over the years, I could see that this was a little hard for her to believe now.  I love my friend, it felt nice to catch up, and I am truly thankful that she was there for me as a kid, and has reminded me that she is still here for me now.  Thank you!

small circle

Ok, so who else wants to join my exclusive circle of friends…  I have room for about 3 more, maybe?

Tell a friend that they are the reason you smiled today.  I bet it will make them smile too!

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Sunday: A Day for the Soul (Part 3)

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Time, constantly fleeing from me,

I’ve chased it, I chase it, I am chasing.

Don’t waste valuable minutes retracing. stained-glass-spiral-circle-pattern-161154.jpeg

What started as a game, leads me down a spiral staircase,

Feeling sick and scared, I hate this game of chase.

Why won’t it just stop & discuss things, face to face?

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Time never tires and the wind never leaves it sails…

I can run until I collapse, my mind and body fails

Play this game of chase again? only time will tell…

As I grow older, I am so focused on finding more time.

Catching only a minute to take in the sunshine.

A second to breathe, a second to unwind.

I am seduced by the thought of winning the game.

It taunts me everyday, screaming out my name.

Every second changes me and time remains the same

I charm the seconds to convince them that I am worthy.

But they soon realize my request is self-serving.

Time can’t be caught, for it is always fleeing.

You will only catch a few seconds, before they disappear.

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Time is making it more and more clear…

That time isn’t something to be feared.

Time plays games, a champion of hide & seek.

I call “time-out” only it can’t hear me.

Is my desire to catch time sought selfishly?

This thought leaving me confused and concerned.

How much more will it take before I learn?

Time isn’t something I must work hard to earn.

It was given to us, a gift from heaven sent.

That time isn’t running from us, only a tool for measurement.

The decisions I have made are measured in moments.

I choose my moments, how long I will stand in the sun.

I know now that time works for me, but always on the run.

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Sunday: A Day for the Soul (4-15-18)

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The manual my doctor skims through, the DSM-5

listing labels, he says, “point to the one that best describes.”

I felt like I was being quizzed, to see how well I knew myself.

Borderline Personality Disorder, eyes growing wide, did I pass the test?

Wait, what? How could this be? I love my personality.

How could there be something wrong with me?

Turns out my amygdala is smaller, and over-worked

causing my emotions to be intense, I look like the jerk.

That isn’t the only thing functioning incorrectly

My pre-frontal cortex, also known as the PFC

is a major culprit in the reasons behind BPD.

It keeps one from mediating their own choices.

Good and Bad, share the same voices.

It’s more than a matter of using your wise mind,

Our impulse is to react, without being kind.

This behavior sounds childish, you may even say!

these under-developed parts of my brain, are probably ok.

I am working very hard at beating this disorder,

I would love for my brain to grow, as I continue to get older.

I know that it has caused many disruptions in my life

Causing people that I love to endure unwarranted strife.

What I want for myself, is the same that I want for you

Help me see where I am weak, and believe in what I can do.

I have become aware of my tendencies and weaknesses

my impulsivity, my anger and memory losses.

walking numb through life, completely unaware

wasn’t producing anything worthy to share

I have been awaken to a whole new way of life

God didn’t forsake me, he has allowed me another chance to be a wife

a mother, a sister, a teacher. He has literally shaken me to the core

I am now so excited about all that He may have in store.

I know life is to short to be living in pain

so look away from the losses, and look forward to the gain.