I had a doctor’s appointment today, so I decided to put into practice a few things that I have been reading in the book I just started. I will be writing my review on the book soon. The book was suggested to me by my kid’s counselor, “One Minute Mindfulness.” Did you know you could change your life in 60 seconds? Yeah… Me either. I have been trying to get a lot of things accomplished at home and Summer baseball is in full swing (pun intended.) Organizing and such before school starts back for the kids & I in August. That is correct, you heard me right. I will still be working as a teacher. Assignment pending, but most likely not with elementary students. Praise the good and gracious LORD! He has been with me through some of the darkest times.
The wind & small leaves work together, creating a small symphony.
Starting at the tip top of the surrounding trees, feel that breeze.
They create a sound similar to that of great applause.
They show their joy for this moment I took to pause.
I am present in this moment, I am aware
I hear the birds all around me, their beautiful song
And a greater presence joins, or maybe it’s been here all along.
I feel the birds know that I envy their existence.
boasting their worry-free life, allowing me but a glimpse.
They swoop down for a quick breakfast on my lawn
As the glistening dew reflects the dawn.
The way they can see into each tiny hiding place
Makes me give a moment to this creature’s natural grace
To fly above the world, a glorious view
warm rays of sunshine, brilliant skies of blue
The working bird, yields a nest
picking up remnants of a forgotten mess
A small bundle of twigs, a few pieces of string
patiently waiting for the new life it will bring
The moment of listening to the leaves today
takes me to a place of gratitude, and I pray
I pray for my family and for my friends
I hope they know the love I have for each of them.
Life is full of beautiful moments such as this,
Don’t let them pass you by, an always fleeting bliss.
Hold dear to those you love and tell them everyday
Sweet friends, in this moment I learned to never forget the importance of play.
Play relieves the pain and sadness of this world
maybe tomorrow I will take a moment to pretend I’m a bird.
Written by: Michelle C
Motherhood-(My personal experience)
My days spent pregnant can best be described
as unpredictable and full of surprise.
Each pregnancy lasting approximately 40 weeks.
Why can’t this pregnancy stuff just be a breeze?
A rare condition is discovered that only 2% of women experience
Hyperemesis Gravidarum – nausea with a vengeance
Needing meds for 9 months, to keep all of my food down,
And to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground.
I couldn’t wait for the sick feelings to subside
And to meet the little being that had been hitching a ride.
“Breathe, breathe… Push, push, good, once more! Here he is, your little boy!”
The hard work done for now, the rush of overwhelming joy.
How little I knew about being a mommy
No time for excuses, let’s get to the O. J. T.
The second you hold them safely in your arms
knowing that one of your duties now is to keep them from harm
Six years of raising an amazing big bro
welcome your sister to the big show
The tears you shed during this emotional moment
adoring both of the angels that Heaven has sent
There is no one that will love you two the way that I do
Never worry my angels, mommy’s love is big enough for both of you
There is nothing I am more proud of than being your mommy.
Thankful for a chance to celebrate this beautiful day with both of you in 2018.
Strategies that have helped me during my shift from suffering from BPD and trying to pick up the pieces to building a life I am proud of. Take a listen!
I have spent most of the day in the ER with my husband, his job takes him out into the country to shoot footage for films and he is now undergoing treatment for Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Thanks to a little bitty bug that wanted to suck his blood. It has been a day, but staying mindful and appreciating the small victories is helping me. This podcast and completing it today is one of those victories. Please keep my family in your prayers. Have a blessed night!
I will try to get caught up tomorrow.
Wow, this means that I have stuck with something on my own, without any external incentive for over a month. I am pretty proud of myself. I have realized a lot about myself over the past few months- That there were definitely two things that I had lost over time which are taking time for myself then not feeling guilty, and to reflect on my own choices. It is nice to force myself to remember these things on a daily basis. That self love and self care are a way of respecting yourself, and not a sign of being selfish. The better you care for yourself the better you will be able to take care of your loved ones.
A Modern Day Tale ; How They Met!
I met him on an online rating site. (I know, how very romantic)
Checking things off the list…looking for my prince.
Now we just had to meet in person, right?
Is this wise, oh well! What the heck!
We meet at my work, late one night.
Easy to talk to, look at, wow! Could this be?
I will need another date, just to see.
We agree, this is something we did not expect.
We are “In Love!” How perfect!
Thus begins the lifetime of carnival rides.
all the unexpected surprises of life.
Not the kinds of rides that are well intended
The kinds of rides where your insides get blended
Although it’s all kind of blurry, he somehow still falls for me
We were quickly side by side, almost bound legally
but after one of you are safe within, yes, born before we were wed.
Do you take me to be your lawfully wedded wife?
To have and to hold, through sickness and in health?
As long as we both shall live?
He says yes, and so do I,
You may now kiss the bride!
Don’t forget those mentioned carnival rides.
They never go away.
You’ll understand this someday.
The twists and turns, the ups and downs that we continue to endure
Seeking now that our little family, feel stable and secure.
There are no fairy tales that warns you of this journey,
Only promises of the happily ever after glory, holy matrimony.
Never warning that some love stories may deal with disaster.
So we both continue looking for the happily ever after.
Missing out on the journey, only focused on the destination
I tried to pull the plug on our lives, twice, I turn in my resignation.
Only for it to be denied.
There are some things in fairy tales that do come true,
Prince Charming, is the person that can see right through you.
Your daddy rescued me, he rescued all of us,
I was spinning around on one of those rides,
and your daddy stayed much stronger than I
He looked deep inside himself, and held us together.
He says he will love all of us forever.
Don’t forget those carnival rides.
They never go away.
So remember our love story, even the parts that aren’t so sweet.
The moments we learn from, the people we meet.
Don’t look to Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, or Snow White
They have never really lived any sort of life.
I am sure in some fairy tale land, far far away
They live happily to this very day
They only miss out on the journey
and all of the moments are what is necessary
to remind us of what makes us happy!
I did notice today that I may in fact need friends for emotional support. I think I can handle a small circle of friends. It was nice to see that she was doing so well. I loved hearing about her sister, and the success she is finding in her young life. I was sad to hear that her mom and dad are no longer with us. It is crazy how easily we could talk about anything and everything. It was like we hadn’t experienced any time apart. I really enjoyed sharing the newly found self-awareness, I have recently experienced. To hear that she had been making it through her own struggles made me aware of her strength. She says to me, “Isn’t it crazy that life doesn’t ever turn out how you think it will?” I replied with a nod of the head… “So true!” I am understanding now we all need friends, good friends, to make it through this thing called life.
I have put so much pressure on my better-half, he has to be almost everything for me. I know now that this amount of pressure on a person can’t be healthy, even though he has been doing an amazing job of getting me through these past couple of months since accepting my diagnosis. I realize one person can’t be another person’s everything. It is not healthy. If you love the other person you wouldn’t want to put that amount of pressure on them, right?
A friend that I have had since Junior High came to visit with her two babies today, and has always been a person I have never had to be false around. She was one of the only people ever invited over to the run-down, trailer house we called home. It was refreshing to hear that she felt I was never dishonest around her. I was like… “Yeah, but there are several ways I was being dishonest. I would wear masks, and mirror individuals, and was deceiving myself.” Luckily, she knows where I come from, she knows my heart and knows I have the ability to be brutally honest. She had seen so much from me over the years, I could see that this was a little hard for her to believe now. I love my friend, it felt nice to catch up, and I am truly thankful that she was there for me as a kid, and has reminded me that she is still here for me now. Thank you!
Ok, so who else wants to join my exclusive circle of friends… I have room for about 3 more, maybe?
Tell a friend that they are the reason you smiled today. I bet it will make them smile too!
Time, constantly fleeing from me,
I’ve chased it, I chase it, I am chasing.
Don’t waste valuable minutes retracing.
What started as a game, leads me down a spiral staircase,
Feeling sick and scared, I hate this game of chase.
Why won’t it just stop & discuss things, face to face?
Time never tires and the wind never leaves it sails…
I can run until I collapse, my mind and body fails
Play this game of chase again? only time will tell…
As I grow older, I am so focused on finding more time.
Catching only a minute to take in the sunshine.
A second to breathe, a second to unwind.
I am seduced by the thought of winning the game.
It taunts me everyday, screaming out my name.
Every second changes me and time remains the same
I charm the seconds to convince them that I am worthy.
But they soon realize my request is self-serving.
Time can’t be caught, for it is always fleeing.
You will only catch a few seconds, before they disappear.
Time is making it more and more clear…
That time isn’t something to be feared.
Time plays games, a champion of hide & seek.
I call “time-out” only it can’t hear me.
Is my desire to catch time sought selfishly?
This thought leaving me confused and concerned.
How much more will it take before I learn?
Time isn’t something I must work hard to earn.
It was given to us, a gift from heaven sent.
That time isn’t running from us, only a tool for measurement.
The decisions I have made are measured in moments.
I choose my moments, how long I will stand in the sun.
I know now that time works for me, but always on the run.
The manual my doctor skims through, the DSM-5
listing labels, he says, “point to the one that best describes.”
I felt like I was being quizzed, to see how well I knew myself.
Borderline Personality Disorder, eyes growing wide, did I pass the test?
Wait, what? How could this be? I love my personality.
How could there be something wrong with me?
Turns out my amygdala is smaller, and over-worked
causing my emotions to be intense, I look like the jerk.
That isn’t the only thing functioning incorrectly
My pre-frontal cortex, also known as the PFC
is a major culprit in the reasons behind BPD.
It keeps one from mediating their own choices.
Good and Bad, share the same voices.
It’s more than a matter of using your wise mind,
Our impulse is to react, without being kind.
This behavior sounds childish, you may even say!
these under-developed parts of my brain, are probably ok.
I am working very hard at beating this disorder,
I would love for my brain to grow, as I continue to get older.
I know that it has caused many disruptions in my life
Causing people that I love to endure unwarranted strife.
What I want for myself, is the same that I want for you
Help me see where I am weak, and believe in what I can do.
I have become aware of my tendencies and weaknesses
my impulsivity, my anger and memory losses.
walking numb through life, completely unaware
wasn’t producing anything worthy to share
I have been awaken to a whole new way of life
God didn’t forsake me, he has allowed me another chance to be a wife
a mother, a sister, a teacher. He has literally shaken me to the core
I am now so excited about all that He may have in store.
I know life is to short to be living in pain
so look away from the losses, and look forward to the gain.