A Mentor Leveled Up

August 7, 2024 will be a day I remember for the rest of my life, this was the day she leveled up.

Everyone can probably think of an influential person in their own life. Someone that just simply made a difference, a lasting difference. My mentor came into my life the year I would turn 10 years old. For a brief timeline to help add more perspective to this post, I now have a 10 year old daughter of my own.

I heard of her passing only a few days after her death, while scrolling Facebook. An old classmate had posted her obituary and when I read it I couldn’t stop the tears or the thoughts and feelings that followed.

I had been working a fundraiser for my daughter’s softball team earlier that day and my daughter & I had just stopped for a drink and a snack at Sonic.

I read the post and the news of her passing it was too much for me at that moment so I cried, actually if I’m being honest, I ugly cried for a moment. My daughter, sitting beside me in the passenger seat, asked me if I was ok. I told her that I would be fine, but I had just learned that my favorite teacher of all time had passed away. She said with wide eyes, “mom she must have been an awesome teacher!” I said, “baby she was, but more than that she was just an amazing human being!” I cried a bit more before wiping my tears and driving home. I am so thankful I had the privilege of being one of her students.

The ol’ school building where she became a mentor.

It’s not like we had a common friendship or even said a word to each other in the last 24 years since graduating high school, but yet, she still somehow had this amazing impact. The impact she made happened at a time in my young life when the world I knew had begun to disintegrate around me. My parents had divorced and dealing with it wasn’t easy for me. Everything was changing & happening at such a rapid rate that I thought for sure there would be no way of ever finding my footing. I was sure my life would always be uncertain.

In general, as a child at this time, my life was uncertain & left it impossible for me to predict any of the chaos that would often occur … unless of course, I was with Mrs. Rains.

In her class, it wasn’t chaotic it was the opposite. There was a schedule to maintain, and we maintained it. I knew that her students were important to her. I knew this because of how she made me feel as her student. I always felt loved and recognized for working hard. I always had a task, a lesson, or a job. It wasn’t that I was her favorite, (😍 although I told myself I was!) she was the same way with all of her students. She had a magical way about her that students responded to. It wasn’t that she was the nicest teacher that would let a student get away with being mischievous or rude, she taught us that it was a better option to be a good person. She would keep class engaging and interesting.

I think of all the lessons and the many ways she helped her students. I wonder how many cups of coffee she would consume to get through the day? It makes me tired now realizing the amount of energy she must have given us on the daily.

She would have been the exact age that I am now, when she was my teacher. A 42 year old teacher doesn’t really sound like a person with an endless amount of energy, does it?

She was a source of good energy. She gave that good energy to all of her students.

Mrs. Rains was a member of the Muskogee Creek Nation and Yuchi Tribes. She had the most beautiful hair I had ever seen. Long and black as a starless night. She would wear beaded barrettes to hold half of her hair up. I would always compliment her on how much I loved her beaded barrettes & jewelry. I was a very shy child so for me to say anything to anyone was a big deal. As I didn’t start speaking to most people until around 5th grade. She noticed my interest and possibly considered my home life at the time & she took being my teacher one step further and decided she would teach me how to make my own jewelry.

She had a conference with my dad. My dad was a single-parent at the time. She asked him if she could keep me after school a couple days a week to teach me how to bead loom. He agreed, and this would be where I learned some of the most important lessons of my life & a little about jewelry making.

My dad and my daughter, May 2024… my dad had just turned 71 & my daughter had just turned 10. (Both May birthdays, days apart.)

Teaching someone is easy when you love to watch them learn.

Mistakes should occur when you are learning anything and it is good to remind your students they will be equipped with an eraser; because nothing is perfect, especially when learning something for the first time.

Laugh with your students, cry with your students, show them all the emotions. Life is emotional and they will be more successful if they know how to deal with the range of emotions. One emotion she always loved to share with us was joy. She had such an amazing laugh. I am thankful that I can still hear it.

Recognize accomplishments and set achievable goals. This is great for the classroom and the home. We all need to know that we are doing a good job when we are putting in the work.

Lastly, during the bead loom lessons, she taught me to appreciate the calm, to let the peace surround my heart and mind, and to remember to always place a mistake in my beading pattern intentionally. “Michelle, nothing man-made will ever be perfect, we will save that job for our creator.” I learned by intentionally placing flaws in patterns that our beauty or uniqueness can come from our imperfections, and sometimes the best placed imperfections will look like a work of art.

During an imperfect time in my life she was definitely an unexpected blessing. I must have been placed in her life as that imperfectly placed bead.

A student, although messy and shy, was one that stood out to her and in all of my awkwardness she somehow recognized my broken heart and began to stitch it back together, to help me feel whole again. My mentor taught me to focus on the peace instead of the mess happening around me. She let me know that perfect rarely ever occurs. I’m certain now that she was more than a mentor but an angel sent to help me find my purpose and peace in this messy place we call life.

The day of her funeral. My ❤️ a bit broken 💔.

I will always remember the lessons that she took the time to teach me. In knowing this I hope that maybe someday I can also be that unexpected blessing in someone else’s broken pattern of life and this thought makes me feel as comforted as one of her big hugs.

Mrs. Rains- I’ll never forget you!

If people with borderline personality disorder are such bad people…

I haven’t felt like posting or writing much. This inability to write actually started after I decided to coauthor a book with someone I consider a close friend. Her name is Sarah, she lives in North Yorkshire & she is brilliant. She has been on the podcast a few times & if you listen to the podcast you would know that she also battles borderline personality disorder. I quickly realized that she is a much more knowledgeable author and knowing this gave me the courage to try to do more with my writing… Then as life does, it suddenly became more difficult to write. Suddenly more was being required of me from work, from home and just many things keeping me from writing.

Since more of my time was being spent away from home, I just couldn’t get back into the swing of things. No productivity or creativity made me feel like I may not be the writer I had imagined I was.

I find myself battling these type of thoughts no matter what I do. Since realizing my issue with writing, or rather my lack of writing… I thought I would just post this response I answered to a question on Quora a few months back. Here is that response.

If people with borderline personality disorder are such bad people, what are they to do with the rest of their lives? Where are they supposed to go? When they’ve destroyed basically anything good and also self-destruct?

Individuals with borderline personality disorder are not bad people. We, in a way, remain children. We were the ones that were hurt, neglected, broken-hearted, beaten & abused, left to fend for ourselves after surviving traumatizing events.

As the saying goes, “hurt people, hurt people!” Sadly, for the PwBPD, it isn’t just the pain of childhood that helped create the various dysfunctions we consistently experience. This type of past treatment in combination with underdeveloped parts of the brain and what society can witness is even the nicest of people with borderline, can transform into emotionally charged nightmares, especially when it comes to relationships.

Meet Archer, my emotional support bestie!

We can easily discard and dissociate, think irrationally, become obsessed about being abandoned to the point of paranoia, and our emotions can become extremely hard to manage. This type of dysfunctional thinking leaves most borderlines relying heavily on coping mechanisms (mostly toxic mechanisms) to get through stressful events. Of course, these coping mechanisms will vary in levels of destruction, but the borderline is only seeking an effective method of painkiller and to avoid the perceived disappointment or rejection that might arise, even if, but for a moment. The route the borderline takes to stop the pain is not important. We EXPECT the rest of the world to understand that we are just doing our best to survive.

The borderline brain becomes a place similar to Neverland, where one remains a “lost-boy/girl”, never wanting to grow up, and also never feeling wanted. Like orphans, we rely heavily on reliable coping mechanisms and survival strategies, even the ones that lack manners. We live inside of our heads A LOT, as we don’t want to experience all of life as most of it is overwhelming and this creates a dissociative state. Shielding our fragile emotional state from being exposed. We don’t do this intentionally; it is a shift of modality in the brain. We can be in reality one second, and with little effort the next second we can shift to autopilot. We can go from the most generous of people, to hell bent on taking all that we can from others, just to feel alive and to validate our existence/importance.

PwBPD, aren’t all bad people, we can be very hospitable, some of the most generous and considerate of individuals. The problem is, no one notices the moments when we MUST have our needs met. This fact, most everyone else would consider for maybe a minute or two & shake it off, maybe even saying to themselves “I am just having a bad day.” To the borderline, this was the only missing piece required to start the internal chaos that leads to devasting outcomes in relationships.

We are good people, hell we can even be amazing at times. We were born different, experiencing early on in life that people cannot be trusted, aren’t reliable, or even lovable unless of course we meet certain conditions. We learn early how to meet our own needs and to use other people as “a means to an end”. The problem is we grew up never trusting anyone, because the people we were given as caretakers, left us to do it all by ourselves. (Some never become successful at taking charge of their own life, consistently relying on someone else to do it.) We learned how to suppress our immense sensitivity to others failing to meet our expectations. We look at people in terms of survival. Who has the thing we need to survive? If they can consistently meet one of our needs, we maintain that supply as long as they can deliver, we collect those kinds of people, and all others are seen as tools or temporary resources. We imitate others because our personality never had the chance to develop properly, out of necessity we adapted to live in survival mode.

People with BPD are not inherently bad, but rather the remnants of unpleasant childhood experiences and faulty neurological wiring. I would suggest that you live by being a manager of this disorder, manage your intentions by setting personal goals. Remind yourself that everyone is out here just trying to survive. Explain to those closest to you the things you need in order to feel better.

One relationship I’ll never end.
Coffee + me = 4ever

I have also concluded that some relationships may cause a Pw/BPD to suffer even more. I know it isn’t always easy, but those relationships aren’t healthy for a borderline, and you will not thrive in that type of environment. Start paying attention to your autopilot mode. A plane with a pilot has a much better chance at arriving at his/her desired destination. You must continue to tell yourself that no one can care for you better than you and maybe that will help eliminate the need for others to do it for you. I have been working very hard at becoming the parent I always wanted, for myself and my children. Beyond that, I really don’t know what to say other than, YOU CAN DO THIS! I’ll be cheering you on from Oklahoma. Even though this last picture was taken in Texas at The BIG Texan.

Season 3: Episode 3

Part II, Interview with Kim

I had a great conversation with a new friend that I met on Quora. She explains how (BPD) Borderline Personality Disorder presents itself in her life in a profound way. I find her explanations relatable as well as easy to understand. Take a listen to our chat.

Link to the interview below.

Interview with Kim

Have a blessed day!

Season 3: Episode 2

Interviewing Kim, I found her on QUORA!!!!

Link to the interview…
https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/michelle-clonch/episodes/Season-3-Episode-2-Interview-with-Kim-Part-1-e2hi09v

I finally finished episode 2 of season 3, I didn’t add my usual podcast template to this one because I liked it raw. Let me know what you think.

We have been dealing with life and trying to just roll with the punches. These past few weeks have landed some heavier punches that we are still trying to recover from. One of those punches included softball size hail.

This storm hit our neighborhood so hard, it totaled my truck.

Another punch, my eldest child turned 16!!!!

My award winning baby boy turned 16!

He did a lowkey cake and ice cream party with a few friends and then we had Spring Break.

The following week I went on a work trip to a conference in Nashville, TN.

It was fun and I always learn something new, but traveling is hard on my aging body.

With all those punches, it took every ounce of energy I had left to get this podcast episode ready to publish. I hope you enjoy it and here is just a teensy weensy bit about the episode…

Kim is someone I found recently on Quora. I feel her words are so accurate in explaining borderline personality disorder. Here is one of her quotes and I think you will also hear many other things that she shares with us within this interview that will resonate in those dealing w/BPD.

“I could see that I was living in a protective cocoon of imagination & daydreams to shield me from what I didn’t want to feel.”

I feel that her quote explains what a PwBPD experiences when in a dissociative state.

This episode is only part 1. Check in again in a few weeks for the rest of our conversation. God willing, I hear there is a solar eclipse scheduled for April 8th and the south eastern part of my state is scheduled to have the Army National Guard handling things. I also read that cicadas will be shooting up from underground in massive swarms. It should be interesting. I hope you all stay safe out there.

Thanks for your continued support .

Season 3 is here… with Episode 1!

We interview Jennifer Dolezal. An inspiring friend of mine that has overcome the crippling grips of postpartum depression and how changing her mindset has been key in finding and pursuing her true calling.

Take a listen to all she has to say about this.

I will warn you to start with the volume down then crank it up to your desired level. My audio equipment is not great right now, my apologies.

Guest on The World in Black & White Podcast, Jennifer Dolezal

Jennifer has said numerous times to me that she is here to help other women that deal with this issue. Please feel free to post questions or reach out for further comments about how she chooses to manage her battle with anxiety and depression.

Have a great day, and remember to choose truth, goodness and love.

And we are back! Hallelujah!

NEXT PODCAST 1/26/2024

https://open.spotify.com/embed/show/4BFjAeOKFX7FiYL2TgGj5Z?utm_source=generator

What are the signs of borderline personality disorder and how does it differ from bad habits?

I found this question on Quora and wanted to post it here as well as I haven’t felt like doing much blog writing or podcast creating lately. I have been absolutely exhausted from rebuilding our house after the house fire from nearly a year ago and holding down my job as an adult ed teacher. SO here it is… I am back and the next podcast will be up sometime this month. Promise, it will be an interview and I am excited to have this guest and know you will gain something from that episode, so be looking for that in the next couple of weeks.

Signs of borderline personality disorder include various behaviors, ranging from excellent to despicable. The PwBPD develops toxic but effective methods to alleviate emotional pain and may develop bad habits within this processing of stimuli. I believe that most of what the BPD will display are simply their own bag of coping mechanisms and overuse of these mechanisms establish their defective behaviors. I will point out some of the coping mechanisms I have dealt with personally.

I believe that most PwBPD are experts at hiding their true selves, (a learned behavior driven by fear, we can’t be ourselves because being ourselves wasn’t effective at keeping those people we desperately needed to remain in our lives.) So, the PwBPD becomes the human chameleon. The PwBPD is certain that changing who they are in order to be more pleasing to the people they need and hopes that it will remedy the pain of not FEELING loved or wanted. The PwBPD could possibly learn that the pain of not being loved never subsides but continues to exist with extreme peaks and valleys. The person dealing with BPD knows that it is less important for them to show their own preferences than to gain the FEELING of being loved/wanted. You might even observe a PwBPD by their unique ability to blend easily into any situation or peer group. Sign number 1, the person will be a talented actor within their roles. The sad fact is most people living with this disorder have no idea that they do this. They are quite literally existing in survival mode. If you know a people pleaser, you might know someone with borderline. Either way, this is a sign and can become a habitual response to external stimuli.

I believe the second sign, that not a lot of people discuss and a major problem in my life, is having a terrible memory, whether long or short-term. I am barely able to recall any memories from my childhood. The memories I am able to recall vividly are highlights of traumatic events that produced some sort of pain or agony for me. The good moments never seemed to make it to my personal memory timeline. I have to work very hard now & focus on maintaining mindfulness throughout my day and try to attach a feeling with the moments I hope to remember. The piece I stumbled upon said that the mind of the PwBPD is controlled by the emotional center. That if you want to memorize/remember something, make sure it makes you FEEL something, otherwise you will let it go and forget it almost instantly.

Sign number 3, A PwBPD is equipped with the ability to hyperfocus on the minute details of the emotional state of those they are closest to. A PwBPD may perceive it wrong at times, but this is on super rare occasions. This is mostly due to living so much of their lives in survival mode. A good hunter can spot game, an expert hunter can detect their prey’s movements and habits and make it a good spot to take out their prey before it knows what hit it. A PwBPD will do this with almost everyone & does so with little to no effort. They don’t do this to actually “take out” the people they are closest too, but to detect those that are unwilling to be there for them. Hunting for emotional pain relief.

A PwBPD knows how to survive chaos, and when things are too good it makes them overly anxious. They lie in wait for the shit to hit the fan. If things are good and they are triggered, they will create the familiar chaos they know they can survive. This ensures that a PwBPD will display patterns, most often these patterns play out without the borderline even being aware of it. It is their natural response to external stimuli. Sign number 4, they conceal their disorder by creating chaotic environments/situations.

A PwBPD also struggles with controlling impulsive behaviors. They are the most likely person to agree to those spontaneous adventures, going on a shopping spree even if they only have -$45 in their account, & turning to any kind of addiction.

Physical signs that a person could be dealing with borderline personality disorder… obvious attention seeking, becomes very needy of the person they FEEL abandoned by, self-harm (I would say this may include but is not limited to cutting, picking the skin, nail-biting to extreme, negative self-talk, isolation, tattoos, eating disorders, and other risky behaviors.)

A PwBPD may be unaware that they are being self-destructive. I know that people with BPD have a reputation of being these ruthless heartbreakers, hell bent on collecting as much pain from others as possible… I don’t believe this to be true at all. We are trying to exist in a world that has been successful at making us perpetually feel unwanted & unloved. We are capable of hurting ourselves & we will do this much more frequently than hurting someone else. I am not saying that we won’t hurt those we are closest to on our search for pain relief. The need that shows up is, “I hate FEELING like this… I need to FEEL better.” This means you should probably prepare yourself for the toxic coping mechanisms that are about to arrive like an unexpected house guest. I will say in defense of those dealing with BPD, we don’t want to hurt anyone, but we will if given the proper stage to do so. If you have chosen to be in a relationship with someone that has borderline personality disorder, you have to remember a person that has BPD has two perspectives. One perspective is “all in” the other perspective is “all out”. These perspectives are determined by the interaction you choose to have with the PwBPD. So be careful of how you interact with a borderline especially if they are fully engaged in seeking pain relief. I do know that this search for emotional pain relief happens almost automatically for the PwBPD. We can switch off the logic center (coping mechanism) and turn on the emotional center of the brain (coping mechanism) without blinking an eye.

I was in my late 30’s before I was diagnosed. I have been diligently seeking relief in the form of collecting information on this topic for 7 years. I have found that consistent workouts (kickboxing) help me with my many aspects of this disorder. I write and write and write, especially on days I feel the most misunderstood. I seek quiet by listening to music. We live in a state of “FEELING” too much so there are moments where numbness becomes what we hope to achieve. Lately, I have been trying to name the things I feel. Most of the time when I find myself in emotional pain, it is because I am overly stressed or feel like my needs are not being noticed or even considered. I hope this has been helpful.

These viewpoints are my own, based off of my own personal experience and things I have read along the way. I am a real human being; I write to provide relief and a better understanding of this disorder for anyone suffering from borderline personality disorder. My hope is that we learn about what creates this disorder so that some day we can find a lasting remedy.

Have a nice day! sincerely- A PwBPD