Author: World in Black & White
Hmmm.
Season 1 Episode 6
Title of Episode: BPD Examples & Strategies
Listen on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/7MnjV95DqMYh03cV5SvSgE?si=KONG6VeWRM24fP3xrYM9Iw
Intro:
Hello and welcome to “The World in Black and White”My name is Michelle and I’m the narrator and creator of this podcast.
Vision for the podcast:
My vision for this podcast is that it will bring hope to all individuals that may be overwhelmed by the challenges mental illness can create as a person attempts to navigate life in a positive and successful way.
I want to also make listeners aware of help that is available Call one of these numbers or text them to find help. I pray you always find someone there to pull you up.
You can call or text 988.
Announcements:
There are no new announcements this week so I thought I’d share a fun and easy recipe.
Happy “Everyone is eating Turkey Leftovers”Day!
My family has kept a lovely tradition of eating “Feast Sandwiches” on this day for the past couple of years… Find that recipe below! (Definitely not diet friendly)
Take remaining ingredients from the thanksgiving feast…
- Shredded Turkey
- Stuffing
- Cranberry sauce or mild pepper jelly
- Brioche sliced bread
- Brie cheese (spreadable)
Toast some French brioche bread,
add jelly or cranberry sauce to toast, then cover with stuffing and turkey. Finally, top with Brie cheese crumbled *or try what I am this year and use the spreadable brie cheese for your top piece of toast, then place in preheated oven of 350* to warm up your “feast sandwiches” for about 10 minutes.
If you don’t appreciate that incredible culinary treat you should consider giving your taste buds away, as you may not be using them correctly. (Humor-Defense Mechanism, just in case you don’t like the sandwich, you might still come back to hear bad jokes. 🙂
Just saying! It’s an amazing f’n sandwich, sides may vary!
Another helpline available through the National Alliance for Mental Illness is 800-950-6264 or text “HelpLine” to 62640
SPLITTING:
So today… The topic I’d like to focus on this week, is how to get a handle on splitting. I will discuss a Reddit thread I found that allows me to walk you through the experience of splitting. I will try to explain how implementing better coping & self-awareness strategies will help the person with BPD to be better equipped in order to handle the emotional episodes that can be caused after splitting. And I will talk about some of the ways that those that are around people with this disorder can help create a better environment for all.
So we discovered just a few episodes before this one, that splitting occurs most often during times where the BPD feels that abandonment is about to occur or has occurred, that’s when it is most apparent. However; splitting occurs even when there is no threat of abandonment. Wow! Glad we created a narrow avenue for this defense mechanism to occur. (Humor/Sarcasm-most used defense mechanism)
I found a good example of splitting for those that are still unaware of how something small can end up being all that is required for someone or something to earn a label as “all bad” or “all good” . This labeling occurred after only a tiny bit of social interaction, which most borderlines generally crave. (*Here is a little hint, we crave positive social interaction.)
So, since bringing this podcast into existence, I have given more intensity to my research time on Borderline Personality Disorder. This past time has been a ritual of mine since getting my diagnosis in 2017. Just so all of my listeners know… I am poor in the social media arena, meaning I don’t use a lot of social media platforms. I have my blog on WordPress, my podcast, and now Reddit. Washing my hands of most social media was a personal decision after realizing that having tiktok, facebook and instagram were just a huge time suck for me, but it wasn’t really good for my mental health. I do believe most social media platforms aren’t healthy for a person with BPD, but I will save that topic for another day.
I stumbled onto Reddit again a couple of weeks ago, and my previous and only experience with reddit was super brief. If I were to give it a relationship status, it would have just been a one-night stand. (Humor- Defense Mechanism)Why so brief?
I painted the whole site “bad” after a negative experience on a subreddit. Now, after becoming more knowledgeable about all the places one can go in the land of Reddit, I have reassigned it from “evil” to “good” being that it is a treasure trove of information for the person dealing with bpd and other people that have experienced being in relationships with individuals dealing with BPD.
How did my initial experience with Reddit become a good example of splitting?
Well, here is that story…
My first experience with Reddit made me feel like it was being run by a bunch of political bots. I had made one comment, on a subreddit for Oklahoma. The comment I made to the original post wasn’t political, but the reaction I received was the prefabricated response served to the public from the media, during that time. My comment was then given a political meaning, even though I wasn’t trying to divide or hurt anyone with my comment. What was the comment you might be asking now?
I said, “We all need to agree that EVERYONE matters.” I think you know what might have happened after making that statement. If you do understand, thanks for comprehending that I just don’t want to live in a place divided by politics and personal choice and all of that.
Anyways, I had stuck my toe into the water of Reddit, and for me, it was an icy cold reception. So obviously, being blessed with BPD, I didn’t interact with that “evil” site for an entire year. (There’s Avoidance)
The first response I had received after one comment was all the evidence I needed to paint that site as evil for nearly a year. I am happy to report that I must have grown some over this last year, because I decided to give Reddit another shot.
Now everyone is caught up with how I currently view Reddit.
I entered the letters BPD in the subreddit search bar and immediately came across a few accounts to explore. The first subreddit, r/BorderlinePDisorder, was ok, and I felt good here, nothing too extreme. Nothing stood out to me saying watch out this place is toxic. Or anything, you know how it works, you push forward and dig a little deeper. One of the threads that led me to my next subreddit, was a post that said “It’s very BPD of us to have so many different bpd subreddits.That is all. LOL” It was here, that I discovered a subreddit called, r/BPDlovedones. I am sure there are more levels to this, but I stopped on this one, because it can help to prove my point about BPD and the ways we choose to label something as “safe=good” or “unsafe=EVIL”
OK, so we have established it is a safe place where I can now go to read. I’ll read, collect any information I deem useful, about this disorder, then I’ll think about it non-stop about what each memorable comment might actually mean that I encountered during my browsing and try to understand it from their perspective
I am a little angry that there are 66,000 people on this subreddit that agree that it is ok to sweep all BPD individuals into the same pile and speak as if BPD means “Bad People Daily”
There needs to be a major discussion about all the things that have to occur for a person to be diagnosed with BPD. So many of these things can be prevented or helped. It takes a more compassionate society. I don’t know if the United States could achieve that level of compassion.
We expect someone with the disorder to just be better.
We are talking about genetic coding, absent or neglectful parents, abusive or toxic environments that grew these individuals. All of these things were experienced during their most critical times of development.
The thing that bothered me the most about this is the word LOVED.
If you are loved, what is there left to vent about?
Most of what I read on that subreddit thread, could be summed up like this… “Please be normal so my life can be more comfortable and people can see me as the good person I am because I have to deal with your crazy ass.” (HUMOR- Defense Mechanism)
They want the BPD to just be better and get with the program. So then this question popped into my head.
Would you expect a war veteran that had suffered a brain injury due to flying shrapnel penetrating through their skull into their brain, to just have a few days of R&R then get right back into the battle? Would you expect them to just get up after putting a bandage on it at the combat support hospital and go back into battle, to start kicking ass again? Or would you say. “Hey, Hey! What are you doing? Here… Hey, let me help you.” (Intellectualization – this is a Healthy Defense Mechanism)
We often send people with mental health bandages, yet leaving the scars and the shrapnel still lodged inside the brain. If you want your BPD loved one to get better, you might need to be prepared for what that mental surgery might require. This isn’t a “hey let’s go to counseling a few times a week and pretend to be better” situation. This is a legit brain disorder. Be kind to them and show that you have a genuine desire to see them healthy & that will make it easier for them to pull the wall down to expose their vulnerable self.
So the person dealing with the brain disorder is expected to cure themselves? The doctors can’t figure it out, so you should just do it yourself? So everyone feels validated by blaming the BPD for not getting better.
Would you expect a dog that has been abused for years to just wag its tail and be a good dog after a few meals and a good bath? That dog is going to need serious rehabilitation and a consistent and loving caretaker in order to change the way it sees humans, and the dog brain is smaller than ours, but has the same major components that humans have.Dogs have the ability to remember and learn. I think based off of what I have seen from society humans are generally more kind to the animal, after someone has abused it. We are less kind to humans that have suffered similar maltreatment. We think they should be capable of going out and doing whatever they need to do in order to survive. But the underlying issue for the abused BPD isn’t that they don’t want to get better, the underlying issue is that their brain is not properly delivering the message that they need to get better,
So just like that poor dog has learned through its experiences, so has the BPD.
For people with BPD, splitting may be a way to manage conflicting emotions.
Experts do not fully understand the causes of BPD, but research points to several different potential causes
Years of trauma, genetic design created a few severe problems in the brain. Minor and major character flaws arise because of the fact too many or too little chemicals are being released for them. They don’t fully trust anyone and are always on high alert waiting for the shit to hit the fan.
Why? That is what their brain does… the past trauma has taught them not to trust and anytime that trauma is triggered they are overwhelmed with too many toxic chemicals in the brain
The person with Borderline that you just want to be normal, are trying to be normal, they are trying to live in a place full of critics and judgment, that offer no real compassion. Major things that the BPD is highly sensitive to. They are trying to maintain some sense of normal every second of every day. They have nothing in their command center working normally. But yet, since they are expected to just be normal, they play that role. This is not their fault, it is in fact due to faulty wiring and miscommunication with the chemicals being released into the body. Based on what I have read, people with BPD more than likely are dealing with high levels of cortisol being released into their body as well.
I recently had a saliva test done to check my hormone levels. My body was producing 3 times the normal amount of CORTISOL right before bed. My levels increase throughout the day… they are supposed to decrease. The doctor advised that I take a supplement called Cortisolv and I have noticed a decrease in my anxiety during the day, and that has been a blessing.
Byte of Insight:I found this study to be interesting…
Defense mechanisms are mental operations that disguise or otherwise modify the content of the mind and/or the perception of reality.” Such psychological techniques aim to protect us from negative and difficult emotions, ideas and motives. The study explains that the working of these mechanisms is generally unconscious or unknown to the individual as it functions effectively only if the individual is ‘unaware of the deception’. However, given the distortions involved, the development of defense mechanisms may conflict with the existence of the individual’s view of internal or external reality.
Strategy 1:
A meaningful attempt at seeing it from the other person’s point of view, is actually trying to feel that, and then you notice those emotions in yourself. It’s not that you’re not capable of feeling those emotions. It’s usually that you have such a rush of emotions, it’s hard to identify which one trumps the other. So it’s just a whole bunch of different feelings all jumbled together.
Strategy 2:
Think about that I am expecting people to just accept me with all this stuff I have to deal with. I’m like you guys just accept this, because dammit it’s good!! HAHAHAHA! We have that idea sometimes about ourselves and then ok, so I am expecting this forgiveness for everything and then you only give somebody two chances to get it right. That has kind of helped me understand when I am splitting… I need to,not leave myself wide open without boundaries…but say “Hey is it this bad, or is it kind of ok? Is this something you can live with? Is this something that you can forgive?” That forgiveness part is so huge. Even if you don’t do everything correctly or you miss it, and you labeled someone as really really good and they turned out to be bad, it’s ok! Forgive yourself. If you messed up,,, you’re not all bad. Ok? I feel like that needs to be said. Just because we mess up does not define us.
Strategy 3:
One of the other strategies I like to do is really ground myself in moments and I like to anchor it to past events. There are moments that I do kind of like come to, like 100% fully in the moment and I am just like “OMG, look at how much time has passed!” You know? & So I’ve kinda been trying to make those moments happen more frequently, so I can really start to take advantage of my time. Because I feel like the main thing this disorder does and nobody talks about this, is the absence of the person. They are literally in their heads so much that they can’t interact on this very physical realm. Ya know so… I think I have been working on bringing myself to those present moments a lot more.
The last thing I wanted to say, is for those people that actually have a loved one that has bpd… Ya know we are so thankful for you, and the love and the understanding and the constant forgiveness you have to bestow upon a person with bpd is extraordinary. It is extraordinary, and I say that just based off of my own life mistakes and my own relationship mistakes and my own parenting mistakes. I could just keep going on and on with the list, because we’re not perfect, no one is! However incredibly difficult it is to express that love and appreciation for you, for that loved one. We are grateful that you are in our lives… And you know, we love you and we are thankful for that compassion and that understanding.
CLOSING: Thanks so much for tuning in… We have come to the end of the podcast. What did you learn? Who can you share this podcast with? If this resonates with your spirit or makes you think of a certain someone that has experienced similar issues in their life, please share this with them. I believe mental health is something we are overlooking on a massive scale, and in order for people to heal we need to be able to speak about this openly and honestly.
…Until next time… Choose truth, goodness and love
Want more understanding about living with Borderline Personality Disorder…
Mental Health Myth Busters: Borderline Personality Disorder | NAMI
Challenge: keep a journal, it helps!
Season 1 Episode 5
SPLITTING, Part II
Listen now on SPOTIFY
https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/pxPF5d853ub
Intro:
Hello and welcome to “The World in Black and White”My name is Michelle and I’m the narrator and creator of this podcast.
Vision for the podcast:
My vision for this podcast is that it will bring hope to all individuals that may be overwhelmed by the challenges mental illness can create as a person attempts to navigate life in a positive and successful way. I hope to help others by teaching forgiveness & self-awareness.
I want to also make listeners aware of help that is available Call one of these numbers or text them to find help. I pray you always find someone there to pull you up.
You can call or text 988.
Another helpline available through the National Alliance for Mental Illness is 800-950-6264 or text “HelpLine” to 62640
Announcements:
I am very excited to share some news with you all about an exceptional individual that I have just recently booked to be my first guest on our podcast. Her name is Imi Lo, she is an author, psychotherapist, and life coach. I have only recently discovered her while doing research over Borderline Personality Disorder. She first caught my attention with a long essay she wrote called “Positive Traits of BPD | Therapy and Coaching BPD (eggshelltherapy.com)
I am halfway through her audiobook, it is looking at Borderline as an emotional gift rather than a disorder. The title of that audiobook is “Emotional Sensitivity and Intensity: How to manage intense emotions as a highly sensitive person” You should definitely look her up and check out her other books and youtube videos. She is for sure an impressive guest and we feel so blessed to have her scheduled as our 1st guest speaker on our podcast. Thank you Imi Lo, I can’t wait to get your feedback on a few questions. I will announce the date as soon as we have one confirmed.
I have recently reached out to become a partner with NAMI, or the National Alliance for Mental Illness, to establish our school campus as one that will show compassion for those dealing with mental illness. I went to the NAMI website and requested that information and I am now awaiting details to get that going. I will be an advocate for anyone dealing with mental health issues.
Splitting Part 2:
Last week, I began discussing splitting and what that might mean to any person, especially a person dealing with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. This week, I will continue to dive into what defense mechanisms may look like in real life, and I will provide a few personal examples from my own life wherein splitting occurred. I will end with my thoughts on splitting and how it affects the BPD.. I did first want to acknowledge that splitting often occurs when the person dealing with BPD senses a relationship loss or that fear of abandonment. Any relationship is important for the borderline. Even the relationships that aren’t part of their daily life. Any event that activates the fear of abandonment for the person with BPD will trigger splitting.
First I want to look back at the results of my defense mechanism quiz I’ll take a closer look at the ones where I received a higher score. If you listened to my previous episodes, I shared the results of my defense mechanism quiz, and the one I scored the highest on was regression, with 80. AHHHHHHH! That surprised me…This one is categorized as a primitive defense mechanism. Coming in 2nd was repression at 40, and then tied for third, three ways are displacement, reaction formation, and compensation. I was initially thinking that I used a lot of healthy defense mechanisms, like humor or assertiveness. It appears my subconscious has held onto more than a handful of not so healthy defense mechanisms to use as weapons in the moments where I feel threatened.
Ok, so it sounds as though more times than not, I find myself in a state of regression, this happens when being confronted with a situation or person that doesn’t align with my expectations of that person or event. The person I find that fails to meet my expectations the most… is me. When I fail to meet my own expectations, I don’t focus on how to correct mistakes and get better. I focus on how my inability to meet those expectations validates my feelings of being a failure. I don’t know how true this is, but this might explain my constant need to find something I am good at. During that process of “trying new things” I will no doubt discover a lot of disappointment, especially when I haven’t given myself appropriate or realistic expectations for learning this new skill. An example of not setting realistic expectations for myself can be clearly seen by how I behaved and performed at a recent Co-Ed softball game.
When I talked about my lack of skills with my husband after the game…and after he shook his head several times at me in disbelief, he calmly said “It is for fun, and if you aren’t having fun, you need to quit.” He wasn’t wrong, but at the time… I felt he wanted me to quit. That he didn’t understand all that was upsetting me and that he was being insensitive to me during my time of perceived failure. Of course, after giving myself time to calm down, I could see that he didn’t say that he wanted me to quit. I also know now that he did in fact just wanted me to have some fun, and that he was just looking out for my mental health.
It is crazy how different I see things when I am not looking at them through the eyes of emotional dysfunction. I can clearly see now that I was asking my body to perform at a level I haven’t ever trained for and expecting this from a much older body, at 40 years old. Why would I put those types of expectations on myself? The simple answer: It is my desire to be pleasing. Even though my wise mind or logical mind realizes that it is quite impossible to be pleasing at all times to everyone. Ok, so we have discussed regression along with a personal example. I am sure there are a million other ways I express regression throughout my life, but this one was fresh and it explicitly shows my child-like response to an event where I didn’t perform to my expectations.
In 2nd place, repression with 40. I know I repress a lot. I assume I do this a lot, basically because I don’t have a very good memory of my life. This defense mechanism is categorized as less primitive.
The definition of repression is unconsciously keeping feelings, thoughts, or memories out of your awareness. It is done to protect ourselves from the anxiety or fear related to those memories. Because it’s done without our intention, the person has little control over the blocking of the memories. The blocked memories remain in our subconscious minds and continue to influence our feelings and behavior.
Repression is done without my control so if this happens at a score of 40 it means that my brain is doing this in some form or fashion to keep me feeling safe so i guess my brain is thinking it is helping me but in the long run I wish I could just remember stuff.
Now that I am more informed of the inner workings of my brain, realizing that my reactions are a direct result of a chemical response that occurs when I have been threatened with abandonment, I’m not just some girl living with a disorder. I choose to push my mental and emotional capacities to fight this disorder with the intent being on mindfulness and a hyper-focused awareness of my brain’s ability to express these natural and sometimes destructive responses.
I have recognized my brain’s primitive ability to use maladaptive coping strategies or defense mechanisms automatically. My brain was reacting to events without consideration of the outcomes . I can see the error in the ways I have tried to handle relationship issues in the past. I have moments now where I acknowledge my emotional response to an overwhelming event. Instead of trying to control the situation or let my fear override my ability to just talk calmly and express my feelings. I acknowledge that this response is not the response I want my body to produce. I let the chemicals that are being dispersed by the command center (my brain) to course through my veins. When my head finally returns to a more calm & clear headspace I try to address the “overwhelming event” that sent me into an emotional spiral. When I can’t recall things now and have no working memory of it or feel overly emotional, I just say “My brain is being mean to me!” it is, and it is doing it without my permission. So…Thanks chemicals
Tied for 3rd is compensation, reaction formation and displacement… to put them all in one mean little basket. I tend to be an “asshole bully that will highlight my good qualities to hide my flaws” when pushed to my limits. Compensation means I have a tendency to overcompensate in situations where I feel either unfamiliar or incompetent. For reaction formation I will redirect attention to what I have done correctly, to divert attention from my mistakes. Lastly, displacement. I really hate that I have a tendency to do this when I feel attacked or threatened, because this means I am dishing out to some poor undeserving soul. This defense mechanism makes me kind of sound like a bully. Where you take out your emotional baggage on someone that is not as frightening as the one that made you feel threatened. The situation that came to mind instantly was of a kid getting beat at home and then taking that rage out on the runt at school. I don’t condone bullying, so I will have to be hypervigilant about this tendency.
I will end with my thoughts on splitting and how it affects the BPD, The BPD person is categorizing every action. Sorting people and events as they happen to the BPD. The BPD compares the responses and interactions to their desired expectation for the person or event. The only acceptable reaction from a person in a relationship with the BPD is one that will not make the BPD look or feel unwanted or undesirable. If this desired expectation isn’t met, one may still be categorized as ok or good, but if this behavior happens repetitively, where the involved person consistently doesn’t meet this expectation for the BPD or completely lets the BPD down or intentionally hurts the BPD. I have no doubt that splitting will occur, the BPD will paint the perceived perpetrator as a pure negative or even an all evil individual, only capable of hating the person with BPD. The BPD is not in control when this delegation of evil occurs. The splitting and painting black will continue to occur for the person dealing with BPD unless they try to logically understand what is taking place in the moment of emotional dysregulation. I can honestly tell you that this is a very very difficult thing to do. I have found that once a person has been painted black, it is very difficult to remove the label the BPD has given them, but it is not impossible. The person that they had previously adored, loved and placed on a pedestal can still become their loving partner once again, however it is a long and difficult journey for the person involved with a BPD.
First the person with BPD becomes avoidant of their feelings for their partner. Then they must convince themselves that they were right to divert their trust, love and attention from that person. They become foreign to their actual feelings for their partner because to stay and feel their true feelings about the emotional situation is too overwhelming for their brain to handle in the conscious, so it suppresses their feelings. I am speaking honestly about how this has played out in my life over and over again and have not conducted any studies to make my statements move from my personal hypothesis to fact, but what I can assure you is that if the perceived perpetrator stays in the relationship long enough to prove their unconditional love and commitment to their partner the stronger the likelihood that the BPD can acknowledge their actual reality and start to make progress & to better understand the parts of their disorder they have no control over and focus more on the ones that they can control. I now know that when I am upset with my partner because he didn’t say or do what I expected them to say or do to provide some sort of positive message to me is not anything to get overly emotional about or to log in the “bad bank” as evidence that they will eventually grow to hate you and leave you. It happens first with splitting, painting them as bad, the BPD will cut off all feelings of emotion and discard the entire relationship.
The constant labeling and categorizing isn’t fun for the BPD; it is something the brain is doing with expert level automaticity. Once someone is painted black or compartmentalized as a “bad thing” it is up to the BPD to remove that label and work at a realistic observation of the person. It is very much due to the dichotomous thinking of the BPD and it is very hard to have lasting relationships and friendships while dealing with this type of brain disorder. It makes those around you walk on eggshells especially if they are aware of your tendencies because they don’t want to be labeled as bad. The irony in all of this is I really don’t judge people by their mistakes, I guess I only judge them by met or unmet expectations.
Next week, we will talk about some of the strategies I have used to help me move beyond some of the hurdles splitting caused in my life, and hopefully some of those strategies will be of some use to you as well.
Challenge for the week:Last week’s challenge was taking the defense mechanism quiz, that link is added in the description for easier access for listeners. If you weren’t able to take that quiz last week, you should take it now. It doesn’t take long and you might learn something about yourself. The challenge for this week is to move outside of your comfort zone in at least one area of your life. Challenge yourself to confront something you might be uncomfortable with, and see if the results you need to achieve are achieved. To give you some examples I will tell you a few things I have done lately that have pushed me outside of my comfort zone. I went out with a group of friends that asked me to a group dinner spontaneously, we had an awesome time and became instant friends with that group. I am assuming they feel the same way right now, but I did get a very warm and inviting feeling from each of them. That was out of the norm for me. New people make me anxious. The other things that I have decided to do that have pushed me out of my comfort zone is starting kickboxing and playing on a co-ed softball team with my husband and his co-workers. What I have learned time and time again is that you can either catastrophize any event before it actually occurs or you can just give it your best and find out something interesting about your ability to move beyond that which is comfortable. SO DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR YOUR SPIRIT THAT IS OUTSIDE OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE! You may surprise yourself.
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CLOSING: Thanks so much for tuning in… We have come to the end of the podcast. What did you learn? Who can you share this podcast with? If this resonates with your spirit or makes you think of a certain someone that has experienced similar issues in their life, please share this with them. I believe mental health is something we are overlooking on a massive scale, and in order for people to heal we need to be able to speak about this openly and honestly.
…Until next time… Choose truth, goodness and love!
Want more understanding about living with Borderline Personality Disorder…
Mental Health Myth Busters: Borderline Personality Disorder | NAMI
Season 1 Episode 4
Season 1 Episode 4
listen to the podcast below
https://anchor.fm/michelle-clonch/episodes/Lightning-Tree-e1p8ohj
“ Lightning Tree”
Intro: Hello and welcome to “The World in Black and White”My name is Michelle and I’m the narrator and creator of this podcast.
Vision for the podcast:My hope is that this podcast will bring hope to all individuals that may be overwhelmed by the challenges mental illness creates when trying to navigate life in a positive and successful way. I hope to help others by teaching forgiveness and self-awareness.
ALRIGHT… Thanks for joining me today, our TOPIC is SPLITTING & this will be a two part,this is part 1 (PART 1)
I have discovered that there are many parts to this topic, so I am breaking it down into smaller morsels; bite-sized bits of information are sometimes easier to understand and retain. Today we will go into the definition of splitting and dive into why BPD persons feel the need to use this and other defense mechanisms in order to survive their daily life. .
I do love to start with definitions and force myself to truly understand the definition before advancing into further discussion on the topic. So here is the definition of splitting.
Borderline Personality Disorder (splitting) *I jacked this from Verywellmind.com
Splitting is considered a defense mechanism, by which people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) can view people, events, or even themselves in all or nothing terms. Splitting allows them to readily discard things they have assigned as “bad” and to embrace things they consider “good,” even if those things are harmful or risky.
So what I am hearing in this definition is that a person with BPD may always be on the defense. So let us look into what a defense mechanism actually is? Why does the person with BPD need to rely on defense mechanisms so often? So the question we must answer first is, what are defense mechanisms?
Here is a chart of 12 defense mechanisms according to Sigmund Freud. 
According to Medical News Today, and mostly just regurgitating other medical journal information into my own loosely constructed definition, an individual presenting healthy defense mechanisms can show normal development, so people use defense mechanisms naturally, it’s human. And although the BPD may utilize healthy defense mechanisms, it is more common to see them intuitively fall back into the use of unhealthy defense mechanisms. I believe this happens because the BPD brain gets stuck when faced with high levels of stress, it’s like the brain we can compare it to an engine that is idling and when an event occurs it begins revving and revving but not shifting into any productive gear, the brain of the bpd is simply trying to keep the engine running, and it does this from a primal place, not from an evil place. Having lived on both sides ( a daughter of a person with BPD and having caused trauma to my own family) I have witnessed the destructive nature of the BPD person. I understand the way a BPD can struggle to gain control of their own actions when encountering highly stressful events. I guess I should talk a moment to discuss what I mean about highly stressful events. We aren’t talking about one single event. The person with BPD more than likely hangs onto every bad act of rejection or slight someone has made the BPD feel. When that “emotional bank of bad” gets full, the BPD tries to either escape it by using easy to activate defense mechanisms, which for the BPD feels like an innate and natural response. If they can’t escape the pain they may try to ignore the pain, or substitute the pain with something that makes them feel good, finding an effective high. I’m not talking about drug use or drinking, I’m talking about something that makes them feel better. It could be shopping too much, it could be exercising too much. I’m telling you it could be a list of things. When the stress hormone is released (or the engine is revved) the brain reverts to a particular pattern of thinking that relies on certain defense mechanisms. (I also feel dissociation occurs simultaneously at this point, and the BPD goes into survival mode- auto-pilot) they are not particularly interested in providing realistic solutions, they are only interested in staying alive and feeling good about their decision to survive. So for the BPD to save the brain from actually dwelling on an uncomfortable event it may automatically find a defense mechanism that has been effective during past traumatic events.
I said I wanted this podcast to be about finding forgiveness and peace, I do hope that we are able to find that for both the person that has survived the destructive consequences of a borderline, and also for the Borderline.
Ok so this is for the borderline listener, are you aware of the defense mechanisms your brain naturally resorts to when confronted with high stress situations? Have you asked yourself why your brain keeps reverting to a specific defense mechanism? What defense mechanisms are you naturally inclined to use when times get more stressful than normal? If you don’t have the slightest clue what defense mechanisms your brain resorts to… Maybe you could check out this quiz. I took mine.
I took a quiz to see what defense mechanisms I use. That quiz can be found at
Defense Mechanisms: Test Your Unconscious Coping Techniques | Psychologia
Here are my results.
Your scores for each defense mechanism can be found below. The higher the score, the more you use it.
Regression: 80
Displacement: 30
Denial: 10
Repression: 40
Intellectualization: 10
Reaction formation: 30
Projection: 20
Compensation: 30
Alright here is our BYTE OF INSIGHT
The BPD person must ask themselves what they are defending themselves from? Is this physical or emotional pain? If it is physical pain, remove that toxicity from your life, no one deserves to be beaten. If it is emotional pain, is it perceived emotional pain or is someone seriously beating you down with a psychological wrecking ball. Both aspects of abuse have to be taken care of. I have begun to reign in the things that I felt weren’t producing a healthy environment. I know that BPD is considered a brain disorder now, but maybe some people are just not good for your emotional health. You let them know that they upset your peace by communicating your feelings in the moment. It is ok to be honest with others about the anxiety and distress you go through during their toxic unloading. If they don’t understand or appreciate this they will naturally eliminate themselves from your life. You don’t need to be pleasing to be loved. I suffer from that same belief and have most of my life. You can disagree with people and have your own way about you and those that truly appreciate who you are will still be there for you no matter what and those that find you aren’t meeting their emotional supply anymore can find the door. I feel it is healthier and more peaceful to approach this as a journey of seeking peace and forgiveness now rather than battling something I honestly can’t stand about myself. I was created like this for a purpose and at some point in my life I hope to achieve that purpose but I know that both physical and emotional abuse exist, don’t agree to it for your life. You deserve peace. I am trying to establish peace in my life by establishing better boundaries and not subjecting myself to that type of environment. I have to literally tell myself “you deserve a good & healthy space. And honey, You don’t have to fight so hard to survive. Remember to breathe and also take in these moments, they are the only ones we get.”
Lightning Tree POEM
Weekly Challenge- Last week we were challenged to get back in touch with someone you have lost contact with. This week. you should take the defense mechanism quiz to see what defense mechanism you naturally rely upon and we will look into the 2nd part of BPD and splitting next week.
Season1 Episode 3: Poorly Constructed Play
Listen to the podcast here: https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/I80RqYPbvub
Intro: Hello and welcome to “The World in Black and White”My name is Michelle and I’m the narrator and creator of this podcast.
Vision for the podcast:My hope is that this podcast will bring hope to all individuals that may be overwhelmed by the challenges mental illness creates when trying to navigate life in a positive and successful way. I hope to help others by teaching forgiveness and self-awareness.
What causes BPD?:
There is not one single cause that produces BPD in an individual; it is a combination of factors that most people who suffer from BPD have little to no control over. The first factor is genetics. One or both of your parents can pass down this disorder, and you would not be aware that your parents suffered with this disorder, if it was not necessary for them to see a mental health professional. The possibility of passing this disorder on to your children is approximately 46%, according to recent medical studies. This disorder is now being described as a brain disorder, the problems experienced by the BPD individual are a direct result of the neurotransmitters in the brain. www.NHS.UK “The neurotransmitters are messenger chemicals that transmit signals between brain cells. Altered levels of serotonin have been linked to depression, aggression, and difficulty controlling destructive urges.” The study revealed that many people with BPD show that 3 parts of the brain were either smaller than usual or had unusual levels of activity.
*Amygdala
*Hippocampus
*Orbitofrontal Cortex
I am currently seeking a doctor that will do my MRI imaging to help explain what is going on with my brain. The company I am currently looking into is the AMEN CLINIC, they have a facility not too far from me, so that may be what I endure next to try and fight this disorder. This will not be cheap, apparently they don’t accept insurance and the entire package will be over $5,000. I do feel that it will be worth it.
I think it is important to note some of the recent emotions and internal struggles I have been dealing with lately. I have been experiencing depression more frequently as well as memory loss, low self esteem (more than usual) experiencing major fear of being abandoned, higher anxiety and overall fatigue. I was hoping to grow out of this, but I guess if it is truly a brain disorder it will not matter how much I want it gone, it returns. So I suppose, it is not something I will just grow out of.
This audio clip was recorded on October 27th around 12:00 cst. [VOICE RECORDING 10/27/2022]
Environmental factors that must be figured into the equation, might be any of the following:
Victim of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse
Exposed to long term fear or distress
Neglect by one or both parents
Growing up with another family member who had a serious mental health condition, such as bipolar disorder or a drink or drug misuse problem.
Unresolved fear, anger and distress from childhood can lead to a variety of “distorted adult thinking patterns” such as
Idealizing others ( you might regard someone as perfect or put them on a pedestal.)
Expecting others to parent you. ( ex. My husband has said at times he feels he is raising a teenager, when dealing with me.)
Expecting others to bully you. ( I have social anxiety, because I catastrophize social interactions, and have canceled on many friends, because I make myself believe that they don’t actually want to hang out with me, but just feel sorry for me.)
Behaving as if other people are adults and you are not. ( At work this has forced me to play the role of the adult in the room, but in other areas of my life I see this aspect of the disorder play out.)
There is an unpredictability from me in any relationship, I either want you or I want you to leave me alone. It’s this “go away/ please don’t go” attitude. I wish I was better at controlling this.
Black and white thinking (dichotomous) the world for BPD is either all perfect or all terrible. This distorted thinking leads to splitting, and that will be the topic for next week so tune in.
Byte of Insight: Borderline’s do not like the difficulties they experience. They don’t want to be alone, it is one of their greatest fears. The brain is a complex organ and controls our actions. The person suffering from BPD is the puppet while the chemicals in the brain are the puppet master. I know that people with apparent brain disorders would most likely be forgiven for their mistakes, but a person suffering from BPD can be high functioning, intelligent, compassionate, competitive, and lovable people. They are just highly reactive to their environment and at the mercy of their mind that doesn’t function normally. This shouldn’t be an excuse, but a way to conceptualize the problems brought on by BPD. I have often felt like my actions weren’t mine when looking back at some of the self destructive things I have done in the past. I have owned up to them to step into my truth, but at least now I see that I had little control over my actions then. I wasn’t educated on the depths of this disorder. After working a great deal on self awareness I have become better at monitoring myself and my impulses. I still shop too much, but my boss said, you are a woman… that is expected! 🙂
Challenge for the week: I tried to focus on three things and I wish it would have helped my brain this week and at times I feel it did. I noticed at the moments were I made myself get up and do some sort of activity it raised me from a lower state. If you start feeling really sad, do some sort of physical activity. This will help your brain by releasing endorphins, and it may just be exactly what you need. I listened to my favorite music/sounds which currently are binaural beats. And my favorite sight has been talking and actively listening to my kids when they tell me things about their day. My daughter is quite imaginative and my son has a heart of gold. Enjoy those you have been blessed to guide and look after. This week was really a hard week for me dealing with my mental and emotional state and other family things, but my hope remains to get rid of these issues. I want our challenge for this week to be reach out to an old friend. Let them know that you think of them often or maybe even reconcile with someone you have lost contact with, and wish you hadn’t. I do know that maintaining relationships is one of the most difficult things from the person dealing with BPD.
When we begin to unravel this disorder we will be able to locate who we really are and I think this gives us a good starting point.
I will end with the reading of my poem. “Poorly Constructed Play ”
Thanks so much for tuning in,
What did you learn? Who can you share this podcast with? If this resonated with your spirit or perhaps made you think of a certain someone in your life, please share this with them. I believe mental health is something we are overlooking on a massive scale and in order for people to heal, we need to be able to speak about this openly and honestly. That is one of the main reasons I chose to bring what understanding I have about this disorder and other complexities to this platform.
Alright folks, until next time… Choose truth, goodness and love!
Season 1 Episode 2- Podcast Notes
Title of Episode :Monsoon Kind of Pain
Link to the podcast below.
Intro: Hello and welcome to “The World in Black and White”My name is Michelle and I’m the narrator and creator of this podcast.
Vision for the podcast:My hope is that this podcast will be a platform that delivers hope to all individuals that may be overwhelmed by the challenges mental illness creates when trying to navigate life in a positive and successful way. I hope to help others by teaching forgiveness and self-awareness.
What does BPD mean?: My personal definition of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder.) The person with BPD will not always look at things from a logical plane. They will however; always look at situations by the way the situation makes them feel. A person with BPD is very perceptive of everyone’s emotions, as well as their own. Meeting new people or being in large groups can be exhausting, as they are intercepting all of the emotional data from everyone at once. This is not intentional, it has been wired into their brains as means of survival. The person with BPD, will more than likely do 1 of two things at gatherings, they will stand out from the crowd or retreat entirely. This of course depends on the feedback from the crowd. One on one conversations are the preferred method of communication for the person with Borderline. The person with BPD has problems with impulsivity, self-destructive behavior, setting boundaries, and self-awareness.
The technical definition of Borderline Personality Disorder as listed in the DSM-V is
Borderline Personality Disorder
Diagnostic Criteria 301.83 (F60.3)
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects,
and marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts,
as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (Note: Do not include suicidal
or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternat-
ing between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex,
substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-
mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria,
irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of
temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms._______
An analogy I came up with for any person in a relationship with BPD person…
Borderlines are amazing people, and I am not here to only discuss the negative aspects of living with BPD. BPD people feel EVERYTHING, they want to love everyone or at least help everyone, and they will be some of the most fun-loving & charming people you will ever encounter. They can also fit in with almost any type of crowd.
On the flip side, they are very cunning creatures as well. They are capable of convincing “their person” to open up old wounds, this then allows the person with BPD to apply care or a temporary band-aid to the wound. A little while later (could be days or weeks), the BPD person will rip off the band-aid and pour salt on the wound. While pouring salt on the wound they will also desperately want to hear the other person’s undying commitment to them. They may need to hear some phrases of validation like; “yes, I love you” or “I will not ever leave you!”
I can say from personal experience, both the person dealing with BPD and the other person will not like this part of the relationship, and it will happen periodically. But even though the person dealing with BPD knows this interaction makes them hard to live with, it ultimately leads to real & unfiltered conversation and intimacy. If you prove to the BPD there is no depth that you will not dive with them, you have earned a place as their most trusted person, however it will not exclude you from proving your loyalty time and time again. Sounds like the worst kind of initiation process, doesn’t it? Well, it is hard for the individual trying to be in a relationship or friendship with the person living with BPD, but even more disheartening for the borderline. This often leads them to a place of self-isolation, convinced that they can trust no one,and have no one to lean on, very seldom will people stick around to complete this initiation process, I mean… would you?
If you or someone you know has experienced this please message me your experience. I’d love to get feedback from others on this particular topic.
Byte of Insight: On behalf of BPD sufferers everywhere, I can say in their defense. While the constant need for validation is exhausting for both people invested in the relationship this behavior shown by the borderline is originating from a place of fear. Most BPD sufferers do not want to be abandoned. This fear even trumps their fear of death. It trumps all fears, really. That fear becomes a puppet-master, as well as a self-fulfilling prophecy, and the preferred method that the borderline will use to find validation will send most logically-based individuals running for the hills. It will not be until BPD individuals become completely aware of their dark traits and tendencies before they can begin to reroute the brain’s pathways, and begin to repair their relationships.
*If you look at the BPD as an orphan, you will start to observe the emotional elements they desire from a partner/friend and are actually pretty easy to provide.
Now I’m speaking honestly cause I live with this disorder, not as a doctor, but as a patient that has been working on myself daily for the past 5 fears. So symptoms and behaviors may vary but this is my list…
The Borderline wants to KNOW unconditional love!
A place to call HOME
Another person that is CONSISTENT and RELIABLE
Last but not least, A person that is DURABLE and STRONG.
Challenge for the week: Take a look at your life right now and choose 1 thing in each of these categories that you really love, not what you have chosen to go along with to be pleasing, but 1 for each area. Focus on an activity you love to do. The second thing, A sound or playlist you love to hear. And third thing, A sight or person you love to see.
I will focus on these things as well this week and I will report on these things next time.
When we begin to unravel this disorder we will be able to locate who we really are and I think this gives us a good starting point.
I will end with the reading of my poem. “Monsoon Kind of Pain”
https://michellefightsbpd.com/2020/09/23/monsoon-kind-of-pain/
Thanks so much for tuning in,
What did you learn? Who can you share this podcast with? If this resonated with your spirit or perhaps made you think of a certain someone in your life, please share this with them. I believe mental health is something we are overlooking on a massive scale and in order for people to heal, we need to be able to speak about this openly and honestly. That is one of the main reasons I chose to bring what understanding I have about this disorder and other complexities to this platform.
Alright folks, until next time… Choose truth, goodness and love!
I’ll Read My Thoughts On Spotify Now
Listen to my latest poem “What Are You Afraid Of?”
https://open.spotify.com/show/4BFjAeOKFX7FiYL2TgGj5Z?si=7MS5dO6HSBm5ETrKA6UZYg
What Are You Afraid Of?
Fears, Mine & yours live within.
Mine, over time have combined and multiplied.
Fear can only live in the place without light,
It persuades you to give in, then surrender the fight.
I journey deeper to find what lurks there in the dark.
I see a long train tunnel, it is absent and cold.
My mind warns, “stay where it’s safe, do not go.”
My soul urges my spirit to go deeper, into the black.
Darkness has one job, conceal
Concealing my false from my real.
There is some value to be gained here, my spirit feels
I calm myself a bit, wait for my body to stop shaking.
The words written on these walls, exposing.
It appears someone has tracked all of my mistakes.
So what? I messed up, what difference does that make?
I feel the vibrations of something in the distance
My fear reappears to offer stubborn resistance.
Is someone driving this train?
I grab ahold of the last train car, and pull myself inside
I feel the train is moving slower now, down to a steady glide
Why did my train suddenly slow down here?
My final destination isn’t fear.
Within the darkness my fear takes hold
One thing is clear, to leave this place, I must be bold.
I rise and dust off the negativity
Realizing this new sensitivity
to myself and my power
I make my way through the train,after thousands of hours
I know I must make it to the front of the train
If only I could get this desire to move to my brain.
allowing my spirit forward, breaking free from my paralyzed state
I must reach the light, it is where I will meet my fate
Fear, Mine & yours live within.
All souls must struggle with sin
Spirit knows it can’t be kept in the shade.
I’ve found her, she is so bold and unafraid.
Her light is my light
Parts of who I was, exposed by the light
Exposing my dark traits so that my spirit will survive.
Stepping into the light can be a terrifying fear
That is also where you must steer.
Turn your way towards light, it shall set you free
Surrendering your truths leads to victory
An ongoing spiritual battle
is also our eternal war.
To win, we must lose.
And battle no more!
After living in darkness & wrestling with my demons daily…
I am strong enough now to handle the light!
Surrender to the largeness of who you’re becoming.
“Parent-Child” Meet “Child-Parent”
An excerpt from one of my future books…
As I’m contemplating my day… this is what I heard the universe teaching me.
When a person decides to have and raise children, the parent usually experiences a bit of relief from child-rearing around 18ish. This may even occur much earlier, when the child hits the time of adolescence or perhaps even sooner, forced by environment.
When a child is then expected to raise a parent, there is no chance of relief! There will definitely not be any voluntary relief given from the parent to the child. The only relief will be the relief given when the child forces the parent away from their rearing! Like a good momma cat would at the first sign of the kitten taking care of themself. This interaction exhausts the responsible child “child-parent”and over time creates anger, resentment and bitterness. Everytime the parent “parent-child”literally & figuratively pulls up into the driveway, the child-parent begins to anticipate the need/s from the “parent-child”The body physically responds just as a new mother would respond if their angry, crying infant were laying down beside them. Quickly and with every intent on calming the baby’s need.
Every nerve of the nervous system tenses up on alert & with each pulse, a release of cortisol occurs followed by the intense anxiety. The “child-parent” having been trained to respond quickly to “parent-child’s” needs knows to react with haste. Fix the problem, stop the cries. “Parent-child” remains completely unaware of the burden and stress they are placing upon their own child. They may even say, “I thought you said that you would take care of me?” The parent-child is saying, “you can’t stop taking care of me, I still need to be taken care of.” The “child-parent” in absolute agony rips the “parent-child” from her breast and says “you are sucking the life out of me! Go take care of yourself!” That what she said as a child can by no means be held over her & that by some unspoken cosmic rule she would always be held responsible for your mishaps.
What contract did the “child-parent” unknowingly agree to? The “parent-child” knew exactly what they were doing and just didn’t care.
The World in Black and White 
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