Season 2: Episode 7 – “The Borderline’s Garden”

PODCAST LINK: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0bCrBZ25jGURp36yykT0ut?si=rlLOoiMxRjSEIf-q5O1Xcw

    We have been dealing with a lot over in our neck of the woods, my absence is mostly related to my brief summer break from teaching and well that just translates into a break from routine.  During this break from “root-ine”, I started to realize just how frequently my mind is busy generating thoughts and how those thoughts quickly blossom into feelings. Those feelings then ultimately direct my actions. This realization made me aware of the negative thoughts I was allowing to grow, and well that is where "A Borderline's Garden" originated from. 
    Well, here we go, I am glad you are here to listen. Let me know what you think & please comment if you are inspired to share your thoughts with this Ol' gardener.

It always starts out so small, a tiny seed that gets planted in my grandiose garden of thoughts. The place where all thoughts are nurtured before blooming into actual real feelings & behaviors. My negative thoughts are the most durable of seeds. They also grow into the most stubborn of weeds. Each durable seed collected during childhood. Nurtured by every crisis event of my youth. Now as an adult, I can spot the full-grown mess of stubborn weeds. Monsters really, glaring at me from time to time. Taunting me with their incessant noises, consistently spewing reminders of my past failures and only encouraging my insecurities to blossom. Even though I can identify the root of my problems now, I’m often feel too vulnerable or too emotionally immature to handle the task, the job of removing the stubborn weeds that had been planted before I became aware of the delicate state of my overgrown thought garden.

I drifted off to sleep after working on this post. I’ve been working on this one post over the last few months. For whatever reason, this work let my pre-slumber positive mindset fall directly into a nightmare. I woke quickly around 4am, clammy, bothered & unable to fall back to sleep. This nightmare made me question a lot of things about myself. I laid there in silence, heart & mind racing, eyes unable to focus, mouth dry, covered by the cool darkness, my mind tossing about several conflicting thought seeds. Normally, I would have started crying and rolled over to ask my husband to provide some sort of comfort for me. This morning though, my reaction was a little different, I was able to calm myself without his help just by eliminating the terrible thoughts and focusing on the actual situation.

First, I began to question the origin of each feeling. I knew that everything I was feeling had just sprouted up from this bad dream. Could these thoughts have originated from my subconscious or were they from some darker place within my vast thought garden, a place I tend to visit too often, that place called paranoia? I knew I could test the validity of each thought. What are the test standards? – If it lowers my frequency or lessens my energy, the seed should not be planted. If it leads to truth and love, the seed can remain in my garden. I knew that a few specific bad seeds had already been planted, based solely on the developing insecurities the nightmare had encouraged. My insecurities are not founded in reality, rather based solely on my feelings. I can be in a loving relationship and still feel unloved and undesirable. I compare myself to other females nearly every day. If I am not as physically strong as them, then I feel weak. If I am not as pretty as them, then I feel disgusting. There is no middle ground for the mind of a borderline. It either is or isn’t. This black and white thinking is destructive and leaves very little room for grace. The battle of sticking to the truths of who I am remains most of where my struggles lie, and why this is such a serious disorder. Nothing is certain, and when everything is based on how I feel my entire concept of reality shifts from moment to moment. I should have thrown those seeds out long ago, but I didn’t know what I was doing. A novice thought gardener back then, those negative seeds grew into stubborn weeds, nothing good.

How could these small little thought seeds grow into such enormous monsters? They do at times confuse and scare me, but I don’t want them completely taking over my thought garden. The bad seeds feed on my fear like it’s some type of miracle grow. This fertilizer or “insecurity shit” it transforms the smallest of negative thoughts into these full-blown nightmares, only the type experienced in real life.

Photo by Meruyert Gonullu on Pexels.com OL^HBD

I know I’ve not been the best kind of thought gardener; I just toss out every kind of seed without identifying whether I want it planted in my garden or not. I am guilty of thinking too much! My thought garden now vast & just like in real gardens, there is a ton of work to do. The weeds (my negative thoughts) show up in my garden randomly and frequently. They require no help to go from destructive thoughts to insecure feelings, they just suddenly appear and then I suddenly feel “less than”. The moment I notice these monsters in my garden, they begin extracting unusual powers from my insecurities, As the weeds settle in and begin to establish roots, they also simultaneously begin to construct catastrophic stories that my negative thoughts affirm will be my future reality. This experience must happen for all bad thought gardeners… Giving into the weeds, because we didn’t know how to nurture the proper seeds.

I’ve been trying a peculiar method these days. Be the gardener with a green thumb, protect and nurture the good seeds the ones you are responsible for and throw the rest away. Armed now with the knowledge that you must only tend to the garden you decide to plant, have planted, and will plant. Be a wise gardener. Identify your seed, provide an environment where it will grow best, be aware of what you have already planted so you learn what you should plant each season. * Tip: If good things can’t grow in your environment, change what you can control of that environment.

This will not be some quick and easy fix for managing “The Borderline’s Garden” and each may still get caught up in the weeds. I know this fact personally, as I still have terribly low days, like the one I experienced just a few days ago… but being armed with this truth helps me dig my way back up towards the sunshine. I welcome the warmth of the sunshine and the embrace it brings to my soul.

For the individuals that live with BPD, we know the intensity of sorting through our numerous thoughts. Our minds busy generating various types of thought seeds all day! Our mind’s motivation for this overproduction of thoughts is our never-ending desire to satisfy our constant yearning of one thing, to “feel” loved. The mind offering only the familiar sad justifications, listing reasons why you will never be good enough & that you should never believe that anyone will stay. The stubborn weeds you have left unmanaged for so long, now great at reminding your psyche that everyone eventually abandons you. Remove those monsters, they will never produce anything good.

Listening to the utterances of these monsters repeatedly, leads to a certain type of thinking, “I am not good enough, I’m not fun enough, I’m not witty enough to maintain the attention I crave from anyone anymore… if I don’t have this desired attention, then I do not have love. If I do not have love then I will be left alone. Unloved & abandoned, two of my greatest fears married together to successfully tackle one objective… Destroy any & all joy.

The truth is each person ultimately gets to decide what will grow best in their grandiose gardens. You can either ignore the weeds until they take over or you can address each thought seed upon arrival, be diligent in protecting your precious garden of thoughts.

Announcements!!!! (Next Episode Info!)

All I have been seeking lately is some reassurance that I am enough.

Someone without knowledge of how BPD affects the individuals that battle it, would never know the seriousness of this disorder. They wouldn’t know the seriousness of mine, unless of course I bring them into my inner circle. There aren’t many people there, and I am probably overreaching by referring to it as a circle. I don’t even have enough people in it to make a circle, it’s my inner semi-circle. I mask it well, my loneliness. My deeply planted insecurities are pretty well hidden from the outside world. I know that I have the ability to hide it when I need to, but moments like last night make it impossible for me to keep those ugly monsters completely locked away. So instead of locking them up inside my thought garden, I have decided to do the hard job of cleaning up the mess of overgrown weeds and getting back to tending to my more positive thoughts. Tending to my thought garden.

I finished this blogpost and discovered a little bit more. The nightmare was sent to apparently convey a message. After thinking about the dream all day, realizing that I was constantly worried about being abandoned that I was on my way to securing that as my future. It was as if while sleeping I had been visited by the “Ghost of Christmas Future.” He drew the connections to the time I had lost my faith in love during my youth & what I had been seeking to replace that lost faith, maybe I was seeking a lust for romance and adoration. Understanding that connection led me to more questions… If God is love, had I lost my faith in God? Have I been actively rejecting love, choosing only to survive? Choosing list and romance and adoration over love. I know now that if I want to live, and not just remain in survival mode, I must learn to love myself & others, showing each and every individual grace, acceptance and understanding. By rejecting love to self, I had been earnestly working towards securing a future of loneliness. It is a reassuring thought that we are never alone, and I pray that no one is ever without love! God Bless!

For more information or useful strategies, listen to my previous podcast episodes or check out other blogs by individuals with BPD that understand it is a constant struggle, and wake up each day ready to continue the fight… Maybe you could even start writing your own blog.

After wrestling around with all the thoughts that it took for me to produce this piece, the Bible verse that came to me was (plfff!) 1 Corinthians 13:6. The actual verse that talks about love starts on 13:4

Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs…

Take a break you deserve it!
* Next episode I am hoping to have Sarah back on with me. We briefly discussed what we would like our chat to be about and I just love collaborating with her. Please check back next month for Season 2: Episode 8.

Falling in Love With My Authentic Self…

Every year, I find myself evaluating my life’s journey as my birthday approaches. This year will be the last year in my thirties. I don’t think 40 is that old, now that I’m sitting so terribly close to it. I look at all the things I have experienced over the last 300+ days of my 38th year and try to evaluate all the ways I could have been a better person, while quietly celebrating the times I am sure I did my very best.

Looking back I see the mountains I have had to overcome.

Dissolving the lens I once used to look at myself, helped to initiate a sudden series of revelations. Removing this lens allowed an opportunity to meet my true self. At first, I began to see who I had always been. The innocence that I thought I had lost, resurfaced, reminding me that it had never left. The curiosity, I used when exploring my world as a child, gained intensity. The biggest inner transformation occurred when I decided to accept all of my mistakes.

I mean all of my mistakes, the big ones, the small ones, the consistent mistakes, and my future mistakes. I forgave myself with the most simple of intentions. I recognized that I was already forgiven, the only living soul without sin, the man with a flawless record, had not only forgiven me, he painfully & selflessly sacrificed his body without deserving any of it. He took my lashings, he bled for me. He wept for me. He died for me.

Worthy of this kind of love & sacrifice.

If he could forgive me, then it would be a “perfect” thing for me to also forgive my past transgressions as well as any future transgressions. I thought deeply about his physical sacrifice, the pain he endured on my behalf. All so that I could be saved, and instead of choosing to live within this gift of eternal blessings, I was choosing to live in the physical pain of sin. He knew long before you & I were ever born that ALL humans would need this absolute forgiveness. I started chipping away the deception I had lived in most of my life. The idea that I wasn’t enough. A lie! The idea that I was not created with a purpose. A lie! The idea that I was set to live out the path my mother had cleared for me. A lie! The idea that I couldn’t be a messenger for God because of my sins. A lie! The idea that my soul was lost or confused. A lie! I began to rebuke the lies. I began to tell myself the truth. I began to love myself, not in a selfish way, but in the way I could finally see my soul as not being perfect, but as a soul that was formed and yet still worthy of His only son’s sacrifice. You are worthy of forgiveness and that was why such a huge sacrifice was necessary, a perfect sacrifice for a multitude of sins.

With a large dose of truth & pure light I began to forgive myself… I noticed that I was no longer just a blossom, but a beautiful bouquet of self-love.

This past year has awakened me in more ways than I ever thought possible. Each day bringing new & welcomed challenges, as well as a new level of self-awareness. Becoming self-aware unlocked some deeply buried potential. This higher-level of awareness began to absolve the negative lens I had used to view my life. Looking back now, I can clearly see that this had been the singular lens in which I had been looking through while trying to find purpose in my life. It is difficult to find your truth and your purpose when the view is covered in lies (the negative lens).

I became acutely aware of boundaries I had permitted to be crossed and broken, I became aware of my detachment from the meaningful parts of life, and learned of the places in which to apply necessary boundaries. I searched myself for all the pain and injury from my past that I had allowed to reside in my spirit, and began to write eviction notices. I had carried them all for far too long. Childhood trauma, you can leave! You are evicted. I don’t need you. I can take care of myself now, as well as I take care of my own children. (This required a lot of forgiveness and a huge release of carried resentment that I felt as it physically detached from my spirit.) I grieved each time I evicted past injuries. I had to intentionally set aside time to forgive the people that I felt had taken advantage of my kindness, my innocence, my goodness! I had found that I had subconsciously held onto this pain for most of my adult life as justification for my own errors. I had been living life like some sort of weary traveler, loaded down with negative feelings, thoughts and emotions.

In moments of despair, remember you are already saved!

I now have a greater understanding of myself & that there will always be things that I encounter that I will try to hold onto, and I can at times be better served by just relenting my control. If you are like me, you may try to control most things in your life, so to release this control can be very challenging. Learning to let things go can be a painful exercise, understanding that we are unable to direct specific or certain outcomes can be comparable to cutting off one’s own leg. I had to figure out where my ability to change things began/ended. The moment I became aware of myself and the parameters of my influence. I began to better understand and give proper respect to the outermost boundaries of my influence. This helped me relinquish the control I once held onto so tightly. A firm grip is not long lasting. My firm grip would soon lead to the loss of any type of grip allowing moments for everything to spiral out of control. I’d find myself completely exhausted, waking among the aftermath of the storm, I had created.

I didn’t know how to find me, and instead of broadening my search, I kept looking in the same old places. I kept looking for me in other people. No one knew what I was looking for or that I had felt I had been a missing person. It was easier not to explain my search… not to ask who they thought I was? Secretly, I would search my surroundings and people I had been around to find what I alone had been hiding. Who am I? What did I want? What was my purpose?

For the longest time I couldn’t distinguish between the things I’d done to please others versus what I actually wanted. I know I’ve made decisions in the past prescribing to a life that is better for everyone. These decisions however wise, left me feeling proud and yet confused. Some passing moments or events would cause me to question my motives. It was only when I would seek the stillness and the quiet that I could realize my purpose. I’d realize my heart. Some memories swirl tirelessly there. Kept guarded internally, so I can keep them safe. The heart/soul, is a vast container of all that is good, it holds everything that is dear, it also contains and provides love.

My mind can often be confused by the sacrificing of self, (My flesh). It is only when we have removed the flesh can we discover our spirit. My soul will seek to understand His will, my self will seek to understand my own will. When I relinquish control now I do so confidently knowing that my purpose is to fulfill His will and not my own. Remarkably, with this understanding you realize nothing brings greater spiritual fruit. My own happiness grows through acknowledging my spiritual purpose. Love Abides in me and I am in Love with who “I Am”!

Praying for peace during these uncertain times! Remember, you belong, you have a purpose and know that you are loved! Thanks for reading!

What causes your SOUL to catch FIRE?

Cold is uncomfortable it causes people to tremble and shake when it is felt at extreme low temperatures. There is a need for the body to find a source of heat, our bodies create heat to sustain a normal temperature of 98.6 degrees. It does this by shivering, this occurs when your body falls as little as one degree below its usual core temperature, which is normally around 98 degrees. When this happens, a part of your brain called the hypothalamus lets your muscles know that they need to start moving in order to generate heat. Have you taken your spiritual temperature. Are you freezing, are you warm or comfortable, or are you on fire and creating warmth for others to feel?

FEED THE FIRE

Psalm 39:3

Inward Fire

My heart was hot within me, While I was musing the fire burned; Then I spoke with my tongue:

musing- in one definition it is called meditation, and in another it is described as complaint.

So I think this scripture could use a bit of interpretation and can mean one of two things. We begin to burn either through meditation and quiet time with ourselves and God, seeking a place of transcendence beyond the earthly realm in our spiritual environment. Then we should speak of the outcomes. Or it could be interpreted as burning inside by reason of injustice and feeling the need to complain. I feel that this is something most people are better at, and the other interpretation takes more time to learn and practice.

grayscale photography of man sitting on grass field — Photo by Flickr on Pexels.com

I find myself complaining about a lot of things throughout the day. “Ugh, I have to do dishes, I have to do laundry, I have to get dressed to leave the house, I have to pick up my child’s toys. I know, I know… I shouldn’t complain so much. I should seek more time in meditation instead of complaint. It is easy to become complacent in our lives to get comfortable in the warmth of just surviving. How is it that most still feel as though they are lacking something more. What do we need to fuel the flame inside each of us? I think of that song from Sunday School, “This Little Light of Mine” How many times have you let Satan put it out? Does it still burn as a small flame? If you had to provide someone else warmth from your flame, could you?

lighted candle — Photo by Rahul on Pexels.com

I feel that God is an enormous amount of energy. He created us, he made us for a purpose. We are all offspring of that energy. Could our fire get as big as GOD? That coal is placed inside of each of us. It is our portion of His Holy Spirit. I believe every person begins life with the same ration of Holy Spirit. He gives us the opportunity to listen to the world/ satan and have it snuffed out by negativity and evil actions/responses to the world or we can choose to let it grow.

abstract art burnt color — Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

How does a fire grow? You feed it. The science behind fire is simple. What does a fire need? Typically, fire comes from a chemical reaction between oxygen in the atmosphere and some sort of fuel (wood or gasoline, or coal for our analogy). Of course, wood and gasoline don’t spontaneously catch on fire just because they’re surrounded by oxygen. For the combustion reaction to happen, you have to heat the fuel to its ignition temperature. This simple understanding of fire and how it works can be used to help us understand ourselves better and also our role in walking in the spirit.

trees — Photo by Tobias Aeppli on Pexels.com

Giving off warmth and light to those around us. My ignition temperature may be different than even that of my brother. He is genetically similar to me because we are the offspring of the same two individuals, but he has sought after God for the majority of his life. A faithful servant. I have been wayward and in my attempts to find God, I complained that my life was too difficult to bear. My ignition temperature must be a higher temperature. The problem wasn’t the coal we were created with, it was the temperature variance we were also created with, in order for our fuel to ignite. If you are a person with a similar ignition temperature these words may be hitting you with complete clarity and understanding at this point.

fire charcoal fire bowl wood charcoal — Photo by Markus Spiske freeforcommercialuse.net on Pexels.com

So I just looked it up and all types of wood have varying ignition temperatures. We are even similar to the trees aren’t we? How can we all expect to be designed the same way, we are all here fulfilling a different purpose and walking a different path. Obviously there are people in our lives that seem to burn daily with maybe just a tiny spark happening some place close by and it sets their coal to burn an amazing flame. Then there are people like myself, that almost need the whole area around them to be scorched to ashes before recognizing that ignition temperatures have been reached and it is time to burn.

forest fire smoke burning — Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

This came from praying this morning and looking at our fire pit this morning. Let your coal find oxygen and let it set a blaze to not only keep you warm but others warm as well. Your spirit can burn just find your ignition temperature and surround yourself with things that cause a spark.

May God bless you today!

**Disclaimer** I am not a religious expert or claim to be. This is just some insight I am sharing today. I have received some feedback on this particular entry -“that we aren’t born with the Holy Spirit. That it is a gift.” Whenever it does actually reside inside of us whether at birth or later, after accepting Christ is not poignant to the fact that we need to find the things that cause it to set ablaze. It is there if you believe it to be there. God’s love is there. Show it to others!***

Better Late Than Never:) Podcast Episode 4

Episode 4 —CLICK HERE—-

I have spent most of the day in the ER with my husband, his job takes him out into the country to shoot footage for films and he is now undergoing treatment for Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Thanks to a little bitty bug that wanted to suck his blood. It has been a day, but staying mindful and appreciating the small victories is helping me. This podcast and completing it today is one of those victories. Please keep my family in your prayers. Have a blessed night!

I will try to get caught up tomorrow.

Sunday: A Day for the Soul… Part 4

Wow, this means that I have stuck with something on my own, without any external incentive for over a month. I am pretty proud of myself. I have realized a lot about myself over the past few months- That there were definitely two things that I had lost over time which are taking time for myself then not feeling guilty, and to reflect on my own choices. It is nice to force myself to remember these things on a daily basis. That self love and self care are a way of respecting yourself, and not a sign of being selfish. The better you care for yourself the better you will be able to take care of your loved ones.

A Modern Day Tale ; How They Met!

I met him on an online rating site. (I know, how very romantic)

Checking things off the list…looking for my prince.

handsome, check

Smart, check

Tall, check

Now we just had to meet in person, right?

Is this wise, oh well! What the heck!

We meet at my work, late one night.

Easy to talk to, look at, wow! Could this be?

I will need another date, just to see.

We agree, this is something we did not expect.

We are “In Love!” How perfect!

Thus begins the lifetime of carnival rides.

all the unexpected surprises of life.

Not the kinds of rides that are well intended

The kinds of rides where your insides get blended

Although it’s all kind of blurry, he somehow still falls for me

We were quickly side by side, almost bound legally

but after one of you are safe within, yes, born before we were wed.

Do you take me to be your lawfully wedded wife?

To have and to hold, through sickness and in health?

As long as we both shall live?

He says yes, and so do I,

You may now kiss the bride!

Don’t forget those mentioned carnival rides.

They never go away.

You’ll understand this someday.

The twists and turns, the ups and downs that we continue to endure

Seeking now that our little family, feel stable and secure.

There are no fairy tales that warns you of this journey,

Only promises of the happily ever after glory, holy matrimony.

Never warning that some love stories may deal with disaster.

So we both continue looking for the happily ever after.

Missing out on the journey, only focused on the destination

I tried to pull the plug on our lives, twice, I turn in my resignation.

Only for it to be denied.

There are some things in fairy tales that do come true,

Prince Charming, is the person that can see right through you.

Your daddy rescued me, he rescued all of us,

I was spinning around on one of those rides,

and your daddy stayed much stronger than I

He looked deep inside himself, and held us together.

He says he will love all of us forever.

Don’t forget those carnival rides.

They never go away.

So remember our love story, even the parts that aren’t so sweet.

The moments we learn from, the people we meet.

Don’t look to Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, or Snow White

They have never really lived any sort of life.

I am sure in some fairy tale land, far far away

They live happily to this very day

They only miss out on the journey

and all of the moments are what is necessary

to remind us of what makes us happy!

Sunday: A Day for the Soul (Part 3)

Tick-Tock

Time, constantly fleeing from me,

I’ve chased it, I chase it, I am chasing.

Don’t waste valuable minutes retracing.

What started as a game, leads me down a spiral staircase,

Feeling sick and scared, I hate this game of chase.

Why won’t it just stop & discuss things, face to face?

Time never tires and the wind never leaves it sails…

I can run until I collapse, my mind and body fails

Play this game of chase again? only time will tell…

As I grow older, I am so focused on finding more time.

Catching only a minute to take in the sunshine.

A second to breathe, a second to unwind.

I am seduced by the thought of winning the game.

It taunts me everyday, screaming out my name.

Every second changes me and time remains the same

I charm the seconds to convince them that I am worthy.

But they soon realize my request is self-serving.

Time can’t be caught, for it is always fleeing.

You will only catch a few seconds, before they disappear.

Time is making it more and more clear…

That time isn’t something to be feared.

Time plays games, a champion of hide & seek.

I call “time-out” only it can’t hear me.

Is my desire to catch time sought selfishly?

This thought leaving me confused and concerned.

How much more will it take before I learn?

Time isn’t something I must work hard to earn.

It was given to us, a gift from heaven sent.

That time isn’t running from us, only a tool for measurement.

The decisions I have made are measured in moments.

I choose my moments, how long I will stand in the sun.

I know now that time works for me, but always on the run.

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