Tag: Mental Health

#SelfhelpSaturday Post 1

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Debt Relief Programs – TOP TEN

Debt, oh how it can envelope us.  Drowning, is the term you may often hear used with the word debt.  As everyone that has ever said those words, “I am drowning in debt!”  really need help.  How does one go from the life of credit cards, and fake freedom to a life using cash and actual financial freedom.

I of course am no expert in financial freedom, although someday I hope to be.  Why listen to me?  Umm… I am starting the journey to become debt free.  Learn from my mistakes.  That way more people, especially young people don’t make the same mistakes that I did.

As I take this first step towards this debt freedom,  I realize I am about to work my way towards the most difficult journey of my life, almost like physically climbing to the top of Mt. Everest.  Not many people reach the top of Mt. Everest (approximately 4,000 people) over 200 people have died, here is the list of those that lost their lives to the climb trying to reach the top of this 29,000 ft. peak.  I was actually surprised to find out that over 4,000 people have successfully reached the top of this ginormous mountain.  These climbers are proof that it isn’t exactly impossible, but that this is also an event that not everyone will be excited to sign up for.  Talk about discipline and a little bit of insanity to sign up for this. And similarly, most people never realize the mountain of debt they have been building in their lifetime, and just where to gain the experience and wisdom needed to become an advanced climber to reach the peak of this mountain and claim it as their bitch.  How do we do this?  More importantly, how do I do this? 🙂

mountainHow severe is debt in the United States?  This is not a place of mystery for most.  I just googled it and those that are reliant upon credit to survive is at 40% according to “TIME”, and of course this percentage goes up to 45% when the income decreases below a $50K yearly salary.  I don’t make $50K.  I am not happy about being with 45 % of the population that relies on plastic to make it. plastic and the numbers that rely on it for everyday purchases

I know the struggle, and it appears that 45% of people making a similar salary or sadly, below the amount I make, understand this struggle too.

My first step this week has obviously been to find  a way to manage the debt I have incurred over my lifespan.  I want to do this on my own, so I only want to manage this solely on my income.  I have recently reached out to a debt relief program. Freedom Debt Relief Website  I know one thing is certain they do not consolidate or pay off student loan debt.  This makes me sad.  50 % of my debt or more is student loan debt.  This debt sadly stays with you until the grave and somehow I have heard that it can follow you there too.

Second step, realize my problems with credit card usage, and use methods of budgeting and only make purchases with cash.  Do not touch allotted savings each month.

I also need something to invest in.  Any suggestions?

My #selfhelpsaturday for April 7th, 2018 is about finances and being debt free.  Hopefully in a year from now we can see some progress.  Day 1, and step 1 of several.

HELP YOURSELF TO THESE LINKS!

5 Steps – Become financially responsible

Clean up your debt link

Huffington Post 2017 – advice on Self Care

Friday Feelings- My mental health self-evaluation day

My “Thank God it is Friday!” Face…

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Looking inside yourself, truly searching for who you are… then trying to describe yourself to others should be a skill that is perfected at my age. I will be turning 36 in less than two weeks.  I should be pretty good at this by now.  Name any person I should know better than myself.  I am drawing a blank, but honestly forcing myself to evaluate my thoughts and my current progress is a bit mind-boggling right now as well.

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I told myself that I would start being more mindful, and what better place to start than being mindful of who I am and who I am becoming daily. I can honestly say for me and many others that this task of truly inspecting yourself without bias is one of the most difficult things to do.  It is easy to make excuses and to draw sympathy from others with these self-proclaimed excuses.  I don’t want sympathy, sometimes I feel like I want sympathy.  I really don’t.  I want to be healed of this disorder.  My husband reminds me that people with this disorder can go through many years of intense counseling and still struggle with it.  This is a disorder that I was genetically predisposed to have when combined with a traumatic event or loss of a caregiver.  I can only really do this when I am honest about my mental growth and what still worries me.  True communication about what ails me and confronting these feelings and thoughts before they result in action will be my focus.

I can easily poke fun at myself, and talk down about myself for the sake of a joke, but true and honest talk about what is going on inside is very difficult.  I will now at this very moment designate my Friday blogs to be only about my mental health.  and what things are polluting my feelings about myself or my life while dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I have had some ok days this past week.  I have also had some very down days.  I have a love/hate relationship with the days where I have something planned. For instance, having an appointment at 11:45… and only wanting to read, or finish the last bit of an episode I found on Netflix can be bothersome.  I must tell myself in those moments. “No, you can’t cancel your appointment to stay home.”  I have to tell myself “You need this appointment more than you need to watch the rest of this show.  Hit the pause button, Michelle.”  I must tell you, the most difficult thing I am really discovering is controlling the urges to fall back into old habits.  Thankfully, I am not talking about finding someone to rescue me from my old prison.  I really feel that I have been able to stay focused on my family and mindful of the sacrifices and heartache they have already been through because of my lack of restraint, and I do not want to walk down that road ever again.  The urges that I am talking of that take me back to familiar ground are my urges to online shop or stop at a thrift store to seek out that bargain that gives me a good feeling, that momentary high.  I know that sounds a bit ridiculous.  I am and have been struggling to stop my online “window” shopping.  The kind of shopping that says, ” I will only buy something if I can’t live without it.”  Then moments later you have a cartful of items, and you are telling yourself… “Just keep it under a $100 sister, you deserve it.”  Seriously, this inability to control my thoughts and feelings about finding a good deal and my impulse to purchase things on sale not based on whether I need it or not has really put a strain on my financial situation.  I am trying my best to be honest with myself about where I want to be in five years, and living paycheck to paycheck is not where I want to be.  I have a stinking Master’s degree for goodness sake, and military experience.  Why in the world am I drowning in debt.  I need to improve the hold I have over my reigns on shopping urges.  I understand that I can live without the momentary high for the over-all improvement of my financial situation, and to find myself in a better place when my children are adults.  I am not just working on myself for me. Who I am and who I am becoming affect all those that I love.

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(Above Picture) is a great example of where I was.  I looked to shopping as “retail therapy.”  This is the most expensive and pointless therapy ever.  Do not fall victim to its alluring elements.  It will only lead you to feel worse in the end. It is a feeling very close to disappointment.  Oh, wait! No, that’s the feeling.  DISAPPOINTMENT.

Today, I am feeling very good about the things I have done recently to declutter my life.  I have done this for my kids as well.  Even though my youngest still has entirely too many stuffed animals and well, toys in general.  It feels good to understand what has been weighing me down in this particular part of my life and to consistently be present-minded at detaching from it’s powerful hold over me.  I do not want to be controlled by urges and these momentary & fleeting “good” feelings.  I am smarter than BPD.  I am stronger than BPD.

 

Help for those that struggle with IMPULSIVE SPENDING.

Have a blessed day.

TGIF, celebrate the small victories too.  We made it another week. Praise the GOOD LORD!

 

Stone Flake on A Lake

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I was not in control of my emotions last night. Brad received a bill from his lawyer in the mail. He opened his mail as soon as he stepped inside.  The bill was for our day of mediation. And that day was pretty expensive. Her one day of work is more than I get paid in a month. That part wasn’t the important part. The important part was the anger he was feeling and directing towards me. I wasn’t in physical danger I have never been with him, but I knew some harsh words might be swirled around at any moment. At that moment he was transported in his memory to the days that I had chosen to leave and attempt a new life. I was running from my own pain. Trying to outrun my own lies. The days of deception and selfishness are behind me, why doesn’t he see that.  He was feeling all of what I had done to him and to our children all over again. I hate these reminders, I hate what they do to him emotionally. I felt destroyed last night. He was hurting and angry and needing to feel those emotions and I tried to rush his processing time. Why? Because, I don’t want him to feel these feelings. That was something I did, I don’t want to do it again. I don’t want BPD affecting my decisions.

He hit me with truths last night. He hit me with them so hard that I couldn’t find a reason to justify what I had done. The only thing left for me to do was to accept responsibility. I had to accept this pain. I wanted to run. Where would I go? I wanted to not feel this extreme pain. It flooded my head, my chest… and the only way to get rid of this pain was to cry, ugly cry! Annoying cry, I can’t catch my breath because I’m hyperventilating cry. I was hurting so bad and he said that my wailing and gasping for air was scaring our kids. I tried to stop, I wanted to stop, but my emotions would not do as they were told. After about 2-3 hours my meltdown calmed and we could resume with life. It makes me hate BPD. It makes me hate myself. I really hate hurting the people I love. I don’t like to disappoint.

Stone Flake on A Lake is a meditating skill my counselor gave me. It wasn’t helping yesterday,but it had been effective in the past. You simply imagine a flake of stone hitting the top of the lake, everything in me becomes cooler the atmosphere of my mind calms to see this small flake of stone hitting the top of the lake and then it slowly falls into the water destined to hit the bottom. But the one imagining this decides how many times it will glide back and forth before finding itself on the lake bottom. I like this method, it is calming. I had waited to long to start this coping skill so it was ineffective. As I look back on the order of events I probably should have started that skill as soon as I found out what was in the mail. Prepare myself to receive things with a calm mind and spirit.

Today was a rough day! Not only did I deal with that from about 8-11pm. I watched the teacher walkout throughout the day. The state of our education system is crumbling. It’s crumbling from all sides. The fact that our state officials aren’t taking this seriously is more than disturbing. This bothers me so much, because teachers have been disrespected for far too long in our state. The schools and it’s inhabitants should be valued and respected.

I will write more on that tonight or tomorrow. I need some breakfast.

Boiled Easter eggs to the rescue!

Have a blessed day! Thanks for stopping in to read my story.