Nail biting and BPD : Mental Eval Friday

For as long as I can remember I have been a nail biter. I even have a picture somewhere that shows me biting my toenails. Before you begin to judge, I was only 2 years old. At that age it wasn’t gross to me. I will say it now, though… GROSS!!! And instead of my family stopping me, they only stopped to make it a Kodak moment. I am sitting there in some very tight fitting, 80’s styled toddler outfit, looking like some sort of chunky albino monkey chewing on my toes, bearing a huge grin on my face. Thanks mom or grandma, whomever is to blame for the evidence we now have of my intense nail biting. This habit was obviously a self-soothing method to cope with my nervousness. Instead of sucking my thumb, I found relief in chewing up my nails. I just recently discovered that this is something that people with BPD suffer from as well. (Article attached at the end of blog.) They are also classifying people that bite their nails habitually and harmfully as OCD, labeling these individuals as having a diagnosable mental disorder.

I have had several people give their best efforts to keep me from biting my nails, the jalapeno sauce on the fingernails, and one of my aunts went as far as even trying to bribe away my bad habit. She would say that if I could grow my nails she would pay me some hard, cold cash each time I would go to visit her with longer nails. I was unable to grow them at that age. Life for me at that time was far too nerve racking. I do feel that I learned to chew my nails during intense moments to help ease my anxiety. And then it became a horrible habit that until now I felt I was unable to break.

I can remember spending loads of money getting fake nails, and feeling better about myself almost the instant my nails were done. How does a little bit of powder, gel and polish change the way I feel about myself? I know that how we feel about ourselves on the outside can affect our mental state. It can cause serious issues. What could possibly be enhanced by fake nails? Why stop there, why fake lashes, fake breasts, fake tan, makeup even. Falsifying who we are on the outside to make ourselves feel better on the inside. Personally, the idea that I could apply beautiful nails hid the fact that I had a horrible habit of biting my nails. It also concealed my failure with my battle of being a nervous and insecure person. The fake nails hid those real parts of me. I loved fake nails, and I would even pick out the polish by the name… It had to match my mood or the persona I wanted to exude.

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I am happy to announce that my addiction to fake nails has since been rehabilitated and I have beaten my nail biting nervous habit. I am now actually growing nails, and I can’t tell you how this small & unimportant physical feature actually empowers me. I feel like this is something I have battled since the age of 2. I had always felt that I wouldn’t be able to beat this habit. Making the once impossible idea of beating this bad habit, now very possible. The major change for me that has helped me beat this habits was first simply asking myself what it is I want? Giving myself time throughout the day to care for myself. Making my mind up to be more present, to be engaged more often and less time checked out. I could spend hours adrift in my thoughts, before practicing mindfulness. I check in with reality a lot more regularly now. Being more intentional with my actions, and with the way I want to treat myself and others. I don’t live in a fantasy world, and I know I create what is happening in my life, and that I am in control of what happens with my body. Starting with growing long, beautiful nails. This is just the beginning of being 100 % real.

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Now if I could just kick my habit of Snapchat filters… I would be all real all the time. LOL!

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Happy Mother’s Day to all the super hero moms out there that do their very best for their kids! Every day isn’t always easy, but they are all definitely worth it.

Biting nails and BPD… Read HERE

Nail Biting article… Read HERE

Literature Review: Choose The Life You Want (The Mindful Way to Happiness)

I am nearly finished reading this book. It has provided a lot of useful information. I am happy to have found it available at my local library. So a choice piece of literature for free. Bonus! And for a person that hasn’t been able to complete a book in a very long time I am feeling very good about including one of my old cherished past times of reading back into my daily routine. That word “routine” seems funny for me to even write. I have very few things that are routine. However, I seldom perform these “routine” tasks at the same times each day. Is it still considered a routine? The definition describes it as a “fixed program.” One fixed program that I must stick to is making a cup of coffee in the morning. Each morning a wonderful little invention called a Keurig creates a bit of magic in my kitchen. It dispenses a perfectly made cup of motivation. I don’t know what I would be without it… probably still asleep. 🙂 Thank you Keurig manufacturers.

On to the highlights of the book. I get carried away sometimes with my thoughts. It is my inevitable “squirrel” moments.

Chapter 88 is a chapter every living, breathing person should read. And possibly revisit several times throughout their lifetime. The title says all that needs to be said, “Experience your mistakes as catastrophes -or- Treat your mistakes as valuable feedback” As a teacher it was very easy for me to remind my students that mistakes were part of the learning process. Inventors do this and learn from their mistakes. We know that mistakes are inevitable. The fact is no one is without their faults… The trick here is to find the value of every mistake made. Remember the lesson that you learned from your mistakes and then avoid making the same mistake again. Consequences are valuable teaching tools, but they aren’t nuclear bombs. You can LIVE and LEARN and continue LIVING. If we were meant to learn without mistakes, erasers would not exist.

One of the final statements made in the book is this, “Choice unleashes the potential within each moment. As you become MINDFUL of the potential within this moment your life gains momentum, becomes momentous. When a moment matters, LIFE MATTERS.” I really hope to remember the meaning of this statement for the rest of my days. We are the directors of our lives, each and every day plays out the way we choose it to. For the longest time I have always told myself that someone else was in charge or controlling parts of my life and this would always stifle my personal growth. I now take responsibilities for myself and my decisions, staying mindful of this will help me continue with making progress.

Have a wonderful day being in charge of your life!

2 CUPS PODCAST: Episode 5

Strategies that have helped me during my shift from suffering from BPD and trying to pick up the pieces to building a life I am proud of. Take a listen!

CLiCK HeRE to LIstEN!!!

Friday Self-Evaluation

A question I have always had an immediate response for is “are you ok?” I know because my answer is always one given without much thought at all. I say “yeah!” or “Uh-huh!” I say this without really checking myself to see if I am actually doing ok. It’s more of a reflex, really. I should be more mindful of this response when people ask, right? I want to give them honesty. A true response, but I just give the short, quick answer because I don’t feel that anyone wants to really hear my thoughts on if I am truly ok. Does this say more about me, than the person asking the question? I think so.

I have asked people this question before, with the expectation of getting the answer I usually give… The reflexive “Yeah!” or “Uh-huh!” When I actually meet someone that wants to divulge their personal problems to me or dives in a little deeper than I am comfortable with, I usually mentally check out. The occasional head nod and eye contact usually works incredibly well for managing a conversation without really having a conversation. Then, I start wondering how many times have I done this to someone? How many times has someone used this “checked out” strategy with me?

It is very scary to be vulnerable and honest with people. I just said these words yesterday. “I have been dissecting myself for all the world to learn about this disorder.” I have no end goal for this forced transparency shown through my blog… Except to practice transparency. In hopes that being mindful and transparent one day becomes automatic. I also utilize blogging as a system of accountability and as a log to refer back to later on in life.

To answer the question, “Are you ok?”

Yes, I have been doing ok. I have noticed that mentally and emotionally I am not ok with my weight gain right before the summer months. It emphasizes my need to be smaller and to look more toned and trim. I will more than likely limit my eating or invest in a cute bathing suit cover up.

I am physically drained everyday. I feel as though I have accomplished something worthy of mentioning when I complete laundry or put the dishes away. Lately, just making sure I have sent my son off to school with a good breakfast and a lunchbox full of food is equivalent to working a full 8 hours. I know it doesn’t make much sense, but I feel that if I have done that than most of my work for the day is complete. The other half of the day I only need to take care of my daughter’s physical needs. If I am having a good day, I will add a little more excitement to our day by going to different places or just letting her play outside while I lay down on the patio furniture. These days are rare.

I am hoping to add more to our day today. I am resting on the couch now and it would be fine with me if someone could come in and take over for me today. Lethargy has taken residence inside my whole being.

I woke up at 6 am, made my son breakfast, made sure he was well equipped to tackle the day on his own and dropped him off with his baseball team for a tournament. I then made it back home, served the baby girl breakfast and started the Keurig. I was able to get a cup of coffee down. I still feel that I need 12 more to get to a level of “just woke up” Does anyone else deal with this? How does one overcome this? I want to work efficiently throughout a day, I would take one day.

So maybe I am not ok… I am realizing I need things to get me there.

on to cup #2. Have a great day! I will most definitely use up all of my energy, trying.

Better Late Than Never:) Podcast Episode 4

Episode 4 —CLICK HERE—-

I have spent most of the day in the ER with my husband, his job takes him out into the country to shoot footage for films and he is now undergoing treatment for Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Thanks to a little bitty bug that wanted to suck his blood. It has been a day, but staying mindful and appreciating the small victories is helping me. This podcast and completing it today is one of those victories. Please keep my family in your prayers. Have a blessed night!

I will try to get caught up tomorrow.

Sunday: A Day for the Soul… Part 4

Wow, this means that I have stuck with something on my own, without any external incentive for over a month. I am pretty proud of myself. I have realized a lot about myself over the past few months- That there were definitely two things that I had lost over time which are taking time for myself then not feeling guilty, and to reflect on my own choices. It is nice to force myself to remember these things on a daily basis. That self love and self care are a way of respecting yourself, and not a sign of being selfish. The better you care for yourself the better you will be able to take care of your loved ones.

A Modern Day Tale ; How They Met!

I met him on an online rating site. (I know, how very romantic)

Checking things off the list…looking for my prince.

handsome, check

Smart, check

Tall, check

Now we just had to meet in person, right?

Is this wise, oh well! What the heck!

We meet at my work, late one night.

Easy to talk to, look at, wow! Could this be?

I will need another date, just to see.

We agree, this is something we did not expect.

We are “In Love!” How perfect!

Thus begins the lifetime of carnival rides.

all the unexpected surprises of life.

Not the kinds of rides that are well intended

The kinds of rides where your insides get blended

Although it’s all kind of blurry, he somehow still falls for me

We were quickly side by side, almost bound legally

but after one of you are safe within, yes, born before we were wed.

Do you take me to be your lawfully wedded wife?

To have and to hold, through sickness and in health?

As long as we both shall live?

He says yes, and so do I,

You may now kiss the bride!

Don’t forget those mentioned carnival rides.

They never go away.

You’ll understand this someday.

The twists and turns, the ups and downs that we continue to endure

Seeking now that our little family, feel stable and secure.

There are no fairy tales that warns you of this journey,

Only promises of the happily ever after glory, holy matrimony.

Never warning that some love stories may deal with disaster.

So we both continue looking for the happily ever after.

Missing out on the journey, only focused on the destination

I tried to pull the plug on our lives, twice, I turn in my resignation.

Only for it to be denied.

There are some things in fairy tales that do come true,

Prince Charming, is the person that can see right through you.

Your daddy rescued me, he rescued all of us,

I was spinning around on one of those rides,

and your daddy stayed much stronger than I

He looked deep inside himself, and held us together.

He says he will love all of us forever.

Don’t forget those carnival rides.

They never go away.

So remember our love story, even the parts that aren’t so sweet.

The moments we learn from, the people we meet.

Don’t look to Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, or Snow White

They have never really lived any sort of life.

I am sure in some fairy tale land, far far away

They live happily to this very day

They only miss out on the journey

and all of the moments are what is necessary

to remind us of what makes us happy!

#Self Help Saturday- Happiness, Not For Sale!

The idea that “happiness” can be purchased, is what teams of advertisers want all consumers to believe. Once we buy into that idea, the credit card companies jump on board to continue this false hope by allowing consumers the means to purchase more and more in order to eventually purchase happiness.

I just did a google search for the word, “minimalism” my search was not birthed from my imagination. I actually watched a documentary about “Minimalism” last night while enjoying dinner. Minimalism, would be a complete lifestyle overhaul; one that only allows those things that are necessary for survival, or brings the person absolute joy.

It doesn’t mean that everything is absolutely bare, just the minimal amount necessary to live

As I have been studying myself, searching for who I am. Like an old gold-panner sifting through sand and rock searching for multi-sized, valuable gold nuggets. I am finding my own nuggets. All varying in size and value; I am realizing my beliefs, understanding the origins of my automatic thoughts, both negative and positive. I have also discovered that I choose my actions… While I have been busy panning for the gold nuggets internally, I have been sifting through the family dwelling, questioning the purpose of numerous bits of clothing and household items that only offer clutter. The house is coming along and taking on a whole new feel. My life is becoming more of what I want it to be. Intentional and full of purpose. Happiness can be gift wrapped and placed inside shopping bags, but the happiness you thought you bought fades before the credit card bill even arrives in the mail. A temporary good feeling, is not true happiness. It is only a momentary high, a feeling someone can get from the hunt of a good bargain or obtaining a quality product that very few can afford. So can true happiness be found in an exclusive brand or rummaging through the clearance aisle and the filling of a shopping cart?

Or will it actually take removing all of those things, you once just had to have, before finding that lasting happiness we all so desperately seek? Maybe we all have just been burying our own happiness. Covering it all up with things, because society has amplified our needs to be more and have more. I think I will start taking it upon myself to sell this idea… “You are enough, you are beautifully made and intricately designed to just be you. ”

I have been reading books on being mindful, and some of the useful bits I have found today say that we should try to appreciate what is around us, and to sit silently and meditate to find creativity awakened and to have energy levels replenished. Find a natural setting that invites you to listen to the silence. Last step, just listen.

I think I am dealing with insomnia now, its 2 am and I need to be awake early tomorrow to be baseball mom for my son and fun mom for my lil girl. I will try to lay down now to catch some shut eye.

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Good night all, and search yourself for that hidden happiness, it will be discovered for all of us I pray

Podcast #3 and My Self-Evaluation

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2 cups Podcast: Episode 3

I did notice today that I may in fact need friends for emotional support. I think I can handle a small circle of friends. It was nice to see that she was doing so well. I loved hearing about her sister, and the success she is finding in her young life. I was sad to hear that her mom and dad are no longer with us. It is crazy how easily we could talk about anything and everything. It was like we hadn’t experienced any time apart. I really enjoyed sharing the newly found self-awareness, I have recently experienced. To hear that she had been making it through her own struggles made me aware of her strength. She says to me, “Isn’t it crazy that life doesn’t ever turn out how you think it will?” I replied with a nod of the head… “So true!” I am understanding now we all need friends, good friends, to make it through this thing called life. coffee

I have put so much pressure on my better-half, he has to be almost everything for me. I know now that this amount of pressure on a person can’t be healthy, even though he has been doing an amazing job of getting me through these past couple of months since accepting my diagnosis. I realize one person can’t be another person’s everything. It is not healthy. If you love the other person you wouldn’t want to put that amount of pressure on them, right?

A friend that I have had since Junior High came to visit with her two babies today, and has always been a person I have never had to be false around. She was one of the only people ever invited over to the run-down, trailer house we called home. It was refreshing to hear that she felt I was never dishonest around her. I was like… “Yeah, but there are several ways I was being dishonest. I would wear masks, and mirror individuals, and was deceiving myself.” Luckily, she knows where I come from, she knows my heart and knows I have the ability to be brutally honest. She had seen so much from me over the years, I could see that this was a little hard for her to believe now. I love my friend, it felt nice to catch up, and I am truly thankful that she was there for me as a kid, and has reminded me that she is still here for me now. Thank you!

small circle

Ok, so who else wants to join my exclusive circle of friends… I have room for about 3 more, maybe?

Tell a friend that they are the reason you smiled today. I bet it will make them smile too!

Sunday: A Day for the Soul (Part 3)

Tick-Tock

Time, constantly fleeing from me,

I’ve chased it, I chase it, I am chasing.

Don’t waste valuable minutes retracing.

What started as a game, leads me down a spiral staircase,

Feeling sick and scared, I hate this game of chase.

Why won’t it just stop & discuss things, face to face?

Time never tires and the wind never leaves it sails…

I can run until I collapse, my mind and body fails

Play this game of chase again? only time will tell…

As I grow older, I am so focused on finding more time.

Catching only a minute to take in the sunshine.

A second to breathe, a second to unwind.

I am seduced by the thought of winning the game.

It taunts me everyday, screaming out my name.

Every second changes me and time remains the same

I charm the seconds to convince them that I am worthy.

But they soon realize my request is self-serving.

Time can’t be caught, for it is always fleeing.

You will only catch a few seconds, before they disappear.

Time is making it more and more clear…

That time isn’t something to be feared.

Time plays games, a champion of hide & seek.

I call “time-out” only it can’t hear me.

Is my desire to catch time sought selfishly?

This thought leaving me confused and concerned.

How much more will it take before I learn?

Time isn’t something I must work hard to earn.

It was given to us, a gift from heaven sent.

That time isn’t running from us, only a tool for measurement.

The decisions I have made are measured in moments.

I choose my moments, how long I will stand in the sun.

I know now that time works for me, but always on the run.

Being Mindful & Being Present

The post today will cover my thoughts and feelings on being mindful and my mental health self-evaluation. I have found that the self-discovery continues, and as I dive deeper into how I process life, my reactions to situations and people, the more I’m realizing how much Borderline Personality Disorder has continued to create turmoil in my personal and professional life.

I missed my opportunity to post yesterday, and oddly enough I should have posted not just because I want to write everyday… but, I want my Thursday posts to be about being mindful. So I did live my life yesterday with intention. I had counseling, so my entire day was focused on being mindful. I spent most of my day being present with my daughter. We went to the library after dropping big brother off at school, we both found a couple of books and she enjoyed playing with the nice Lego table they have for the little people. I watched her enjoy building and creating new things. She built a beach that had an alligator and Lego people. She said, “This was so much fun, mom!” It was fun to watch my little girl analyze all of the little pieces available to her and what she would do with each piece while creatively building this beach. She is so imaginative. I don’t remember using my imagination half as much as she does. I am so blessed to be her mommy.

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Counseling went very well. We went over the “How” on being more mindful. My counselor had one of the books I was looking for at the library. They didn’t have it, so I felt blessed to be able to borrow one of the books that the kids’ counselor had suggested. The book is called “One Minute Mindfulness” by Donald Altman. I will start reading that wonderful piece of literature after I finish the book that I just checked out from the library. The one I am currently reading is called “Choose The Life You Want.” by Tal Ben-Shahar. I have already finished 7 chapters, and really like it. Chapter 7, is called Procrastination. Who is guilty of this? Most everyone, right? The author says to use a helpful technique called “The Five-Minute Takeoff.” I can see how this method would be helpful. The objective here is to just dive into that project or chore that you need to accomplish for five minutes. Once you do this for five minutes you are at a better place than you were before, because now you are actually doing something productive and not procrastinating, but acting. I am about to use this technique to paint some walls in the living room. I bought the can of paint several weeks ago… and yes I wanted to paint right away, but I had too many other things that stopped me. I did what I normally do, I complied to my feelings to just procrastinate. I feel that I am always waiting for the perfect time to paint. Folks the truth is this – Perfect timing doesn’t exist. procrastinating

Click here for more advice on how to beat procrastination!!

Self-evaluation. I feel more aware, and less on autopilot. I have been living so much like a zombie and never realizing why (minus the eating and craving brains part). My past included an established a routine, something easy and comfortable. I could easily set my destination on Michelle’s Map as “just get through the day.” (like a google map, but more accurate). I have literally coasted through a full day before on numerous occasions. I have had moments throughout those days where I would kind of catch myself realizing that I was just going through the motions, and I would say to myself… “this is so easy, I am doing things and not even thinking about them.” WTH? Why do I do this? I love being present and intentional so much more. It really does awaken our spirit. When we take time to pay attention and be present. It is more about experiencing the things around me, the things that make up my world right now. Appreciating the small and delicate details of the people and experiences we are blessed to share. I am learning that this is truly one of the biggest blessings in life. Our ability to experience, to see, hear, speak, touch, feel, taste. I am so very rich to be given these things. I will not take these great blessings for granted ever again. Life is a wonderful thing, you just have to be mindful of all of those wonderful things it consists of.

Bless you,

Be intentional today and as you listen today pay attention to the message, as you talk today be true to your heart and mind, as you feel notice the texture and temperature, as you inhale notice the natural aroma of your home or the environment. As you take notice of the things around you, look at it with the amazement, like that of a child, that is seeing it for the first time. Life is really amazing, and being mindful of that really can change your mood.

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