A Mentor Leveled Up

August 7, 2024 will be a day I remember for the rest of my life, this was the day she leveled up.

Everyone can probably think of an influential person in their own life. Someone that just simply made a difference, a lasting difference. My mentor came into my life the year I would turn 10 years old. For a brief timeline to help add more perspective to this post, I now have a 10 year old daughter of my own.

I heard of her passing only a few days after her death, while scrolling Facebook. An old classmate had posted her obituary and when I read it I couldn’t stop the tears or the thoughts and feelings that followed.

I had been working a fundraiser for my daughter’s softball team earlier that day and my daughter & I had just stopped for a drink and a snack at Sonic.

I read the post and the news of her passing it was too much for me at that moment so I cried, actually if I’m being honest, I ugly cried for a moment. My daughter, sitting beside me in the passenger seat, asked me if I was ok. I told her that I would be fine, but I had just learned that my favorite teacher of all time had passed away. She said with wide eyes, “mom she must have been an awesome teacher!” I said, “baby she was, but more than that she was just an amazing human being!” I cried a bit more before wiping my tears and driving home. I am so thankful I had the privilege of being one of her students.

The ol’ school building where she became a mentor.

It’s not like we had a common friendship or even said a word to each other in the last 24 years since graduating high school, but yet, she still somehow had this amazing impact. The impact she made happened at a time in my young life when the world I knew had begun to disintegrate around me. My parents had divorced and dealing with it wasn’t easy for me. Everything was changing & happening at such a rapid rate that I thought for sure there would be no way of ever finding my footing. I was sure my life would always be uncertain.

In general, as a child at this time, my life was uncertain & left it impossible for me to predict any of the chaos that would often occur … unless of course, I was with Mrs. Rains.

In her class, it wasn’t chaotic it was the opposite. There was a schedule to maintain, and we maintained it. I knew that her students were important to her. I knew this because of how she made me feel as her student. I always felt loved and recognized for working hard. I always had a task, a lesson, or a job. It wasn’t that I was her favorite, (😍 although I told myself I was!) she was the same way with all of her students. She had a magical way about her that students responded to. It wasn’t that she was the nicest teacher that would let a student get away with being mischievous or rude, she taught us that it was a better option to be a good person. She would keep class engaging and interesting.

I think of all the lessons and the many ways she helped her students. I wonder how many cups of coffee she would consume to get through the day? It makes me tired now realizing the amount of energy she must have given us on the daily.

Coffee, a teacher’s fuel. 1 cup or 10?

She would have been the exact age that I am now, when she was my teacher. A 42 year old teacher doesn’t really sound like a person with an endless amount of energy, does it?

She was a source of good energy. She gave that good energy to all of her students.

Mrs. Rains was a member of the Muskogee Creek Nation and Yuchi Tribes. She had the most beautiful hair I had ever seen. Long and black as a starless night. She would wear beaded barrettes to hold half of her hair up. I would always compliment her on how much I loved her beaded barrettes & jewelry. I was a very shy child so for me to say anything to anyone was a big deal. As I didn’t start speaking to most people until around 5th grade. She noticed my interest and possibly considered my home life at the time & she took being my teacher one step further and decided she would teach me how to make my own jewelry.

Beaded patterns. Img:hlbdd406

She had a conference with my dad. My dad was a single-parent at the time. She asked him if she could keep me after school a couple days a week to teach me how to bead loom. He agreed, and this would be where I learned some of the most important lessons of my life & a little about jewelry making.

My dad and my daughter, May 2024… my dad had just turned 71 & my daughter had just turned 10. (Both May birthdays, days apart.)

Teaching someone is easy when you love to watch them learn.

Mistakes should occur when you are learning anything and it is good to remind your students they will be equipped with an eraser; because nothing is perfect, especially when learning something for the first time.

Laugh with your students, cry with your students, show them all the emotions. Life is emotional and they will be more successful if they know how to deal with the range of emotions. One emotion she always loved to share with us was joy. She had such an amazing laugh. I am thankful that I can still hear it.

Recognize accomplishments and set achievable goals. This is great for the classroom and the home. We all need to know that we are doing a good job when we are putting in the work.

Lastly, during the bead loom lessons, she taught me to appreciate the calm, to let the peace surround my heart and mind, and to remember to always place a mistake in my beading pattern intentionally. “Michelle, nothing man-made will ever be perfect, we will save that job for our creator.” I learned by intentionally placing flaws in patterns that our beauty or uniqueness can come from our imperfections, and sometimes the best placed imperfections will look like a work of art.

During an imperfect time in my life she was definitely an unexpected blessing. I must have been placed in her life as that imperfectly placed bead.

A student, although messy and shy, was one that stood out to her and in all of my awkwardness she somehow recognized my broken heart and began to stitch it back together, to help me feel whole again. My mentor taught me to focus on the peace instead of the mess happening around me. She let me know that perfect rarely ever occurs. I’m certain now that she was more than a mentor but an angel sent to help me find my purpose and peace in this messy place we call life.

The day of her funeral. My ❤️ a bit broken 💔.

I will always remember the lessons that she took the time to teach me. In knowing this I hope that maybe someday I can also be that unexpected blessing in someone else’s broken pattern of life and this thought makes me feel as comforted as one of her big hugs.

Mrs. Rains- I’ll never forget you!

My Mentor Leveled Up!

What are the signs of borderline personality disorder and how does it differ from bad habits?

I found this question on Quora and wanted to post it here as well as I haven’t felt like doing much blog writing or podcast creating lately. I have been absolutely exhausted from rebuilding our house after the house fire from nearly a year ago and holding down my job as an adult ed teacher. SO here it is… I am back and the next podcast will be up sometime this month. Promise, it will be an interview and I am excited to have this guest and know you will gain something from that episode, so be looking for that in the next couple of weeks.

Signs of borderline personality disorder include various behaviors, ranging from excellent to despicable. The PwBPD develops toxic but effective methods to alleviate emotional pain and may develop bad habits within this processing of stimuli. I believe that most of what the BPD will display are simply their own bag of coping mechanisms and overuse of these mechanisms establish their defective behaviors. I will point out some of the coping mechanisms I have dealt with personally.

I believe that most PwBPD are experts at hiding their true selves, (a learned behavior driven by fear, we can’t be ourselves because being ourselves wasn’t effective at keeping those people we desperately needed to remain in our lives.) So, the PwBPD becomes the human chameleon. The PwBPD is certain that changing who they are in order to be more pleasing to the people they need and hopes that it will remedy the pain of not FEELING loved or wanted. The PwBPD could possibly learn that the pain of not being loved never subsides but continues to exist with extreme peaks and valleys. The person dealing with BPD knows that it is less important for them to show their own preferences than to gain the FEELING of being loved/wanted. You might even observe a PwBPD by their unique ability to blend easily into any situation or peer group. Sign number 1, the person will be a talented actor within their roles. The sad fact is most people living with this disorder have no idea that they do this. They are quite literally existing in survival mode. If you know a people pleaser, you might know someone with borderline. Either way, this is a sign and can become a habitual response to external stimuli.

I believe the second sign, that not a lot of people discuss and a major problem in my life, is having a terrible memory, whether long or short-term. I am barely able to recall any memories from my childhood. The memories I am able to recall vividly are highlights of traumatic events that produced some sort of pain or agony for me. The good moments never seemed to make it to my personal memory timeline. I have to work very hard now & focus on maintaining mindfulness throughout my day and try to attach a feeling with the moments I hope to remember. The piece I stumbled upon said that the mind of the PwBPD is controlled by the emotional center. That if you want to memorize/remember something, make sure it makes you FEEL something, otherwise you will let it go and forget it almost instantly.

Sign number 3, A PwBPD is equipped with the ability to hyperfocus on the minute details of the emotional state of those they are closest to. A PwBPD may perceive it wrong at times, but this is on super rare occasions. This is mostly due to living so much of their lives in survival mode. A good hunter can spot game, an expert hunter can detect their prey’s movements and habits and make it a good spot to take out their prey before it knows what hit it. A PwBPD will do this with almost everyone & does so with little to no effort. They don’t do this to actually “take out” the people they are closest too, but to detect those that are unwilling to be there for them. Hunting for emotional pain relief.

A PwBPD knows how to survive chaos, and when things are too good it makes them overly anxious. They lie in wait for the shit to hit the fan. If things are good and they are triggered, they will create the familiar chaos they know they can survive. This ensures that a PwBPD will display patterns, most often these patterns play out without the borderline even being aware of it. It is their natural response to external stimuli. Sign number 4, they conceal their disorder by creating chaotic environments/situations.

A PwBPD also struggles with controlling impulsive behaviors. They are the most likely person to agree to those spontaneous adventures, going on a shopping spree even if they only have -$45 in their account, & turning to any kind of addiction.

Physical signs that a person could be dealing with borderline personality disorder… obvious attention seeking, becomes very needy of the person they FEEL abandoned by, self-harm (I would say this may include but is not limited to cutting, picking the skin, nail-biting to extreme, negative self-talk, isolation, tattoos, eating disorders, and other risky behaviors.)

A PwBPD may be unaware that they are being self-destructive. I know that people with BPD have a reputation of being these ruthless heartbreakers, hell bent on collecting as much pain from others as possible… I don’t believe this to be true at all. We are trying to exist in a world that has been successful at making us perpetually feel unwanted & unloved. We are capable of hurting ourselves & we will do this much more frequently than hurting someone else. I am not saying that we won’t hurt those we are closest to on our search for pain relief. The need that shows up is, “I hate FEELING like this… I need to FEEL better.” This means you should probably prepare yourself for the toxic coping mechanisms that are about to arrive like an unexpected house guest. I will say in defense of those dealing with BPD, we don’t want to hurt anyone, but we will if given the proper stage to do so. If you have chosen to be in a relationship with someone that has borderline personality disorder, you have to remember a person that has BPD has two perspectives. One perspective is “all in” the other perspective is “all out”. These perspectives are determined by the interaction you choose to have with the PwBPD. So be careful of how you interact with a borderline especially if they are fully engaged in seeking pain relief. I do know that this search for emotional pain relief happens almost automatically for the PwBPD. We can switch off the logic center (coping mechanism) and turn on the emotional center of the brain (coping mechanism) without blinking an eye.

I was in my late 30’s before I was diagnosed. I have been diligently seeking relief in the form of collecting information on this topic for 7 years. I have found that consistent workouts (kickboxing) help me with my many aspects of this disorder. I write and write and write, especially on days I feel the most misunderstood. I seek quiet by listening to music. We live in a state of “FEELING” too much so there are moments where numbness becomes what we hope to achieve. Lately, I have been trying to name the things I feel. Most of the time when I find myself in emotional pain, it is because I am overly stressed or feel like my needs are not being noticed or even considered. I hope this has been helpful.

These viewpoints are my own, based off of my own personal experience and things I have read along the way. I am a real human being; I write to provide relief and a better understanding of this disorder for anyone suffering from borderline personality disorder. My hope is that we learn about what creates this disorder so that some day we can find a lasting remedy.

Have a nice day! sincerely- A PwBPD

Finding the “HA” Amid the cHAos

5 Strategies with 1 bonus… Listen to the podcast with Sarah Myles for her 5 strategies.

Podcast link: https://open.spotify.com/show/74iinBD4fsgE2EleGTkKam

Photo by Vie Studio on Pexels.com

1)Halt negative thinking. Easier said than done, I know. My previous podcast episode, “The Borderline’s Garden” would be a good episode to listen to about weeding out your thought garden. My mind is constantly producing thought seeds. I know now that I am responsible for getting rid of the bad seeds and nourishing the good ones.

2) Harnessing the beast. I get into a pattern of spewing the negative things my previously planted bad seeds have produced. I whine and vent about the way things should be and how often my feelings are not considered. I can’t stand being this way, so I have to harness the ugliness of my beast by becoming aware of it’s dangerous utterances. My beast is always right. It takes an even bigger beast to get mine to surrender. I haven’t encountered many beasts bigger than mine, and that is not me trying to boast. My beast doesn’t care about feelings of others or the final outcome, it only cares that everyone comprehends how it is feeling. My beast is arrogant and unable to stifle its anger. Many things anger the beast. Some triggers include, social settings, high stress situations, incompetence, mistakes- personal or otherwise. going unnoticed or ignored, the beast is incapable of being perfect, so it shows off just how ugly and nasty it can be, and within that display, it is perfectly undesirable. Harnessing this beast has been something I have struggled with for most of my life and it is exhausting to wrestle with it. I try from time to time, to keep it locked up. My energy has been lower recently, so the beast overpowers me on most days and to pull it back seems pointless. Reasons to hold the beast back become fewer and fewer. I fall into depressive states when I’ve allowed the beast to roam free for too long. How do you harness the beast? Corner it with the things it doesn’t like, positive thinking, gratitude, and self-love. These things do not come easy to the borderline so you may need to call in some back-up or help with corralling this perfect monster. Which leads me to my next strategy… Sarah has a great way to look at the beast too, not so much as everything that scares you about yourself, but rather a much needed beast/bear that communicates the personal boundaries of the person dealing with borderline personality disorder.

3)Hack your way into a better mood. If you are a busy working mother like me, we don’t always have the time to utilize this hack. I have discovered that there are several things that instantly lighten my mood. One method I’ve used before is legal with the proper medical license now, but there are others that don’t require a license and are just as effective. Music that pulls you out of a funk- finding that song that can take you from sad to moving your body instinctively is a great way to hack into a better mood. Here are some of the songs that do this for me; “Wake Me Up Before You Go” by Wham and “Human” by Rag’ n ‘Bone Man. There are several other things I’ve used to pull me up from sadness; Poems, scriptures, phone calls with people that make me laugh, movies (comedies) or TV Series. Series that are guaranteed to make me laugh are Friends & The Office. I also feel better after some physical activity, my preferred sport at the moment is kickboxing.

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

4)Handle pressing situations immediately or place on a priority list. You will soon find out that not everything is in fact a priority. I struggle with procrastination and perfectionistic attributes. Sometimes getting some of the job done results in doing a decent job altogether.

5)Harmonize your environment. Recognize stressors as they occur and take a mental note of the situation, create a plan to eliminate the observed stressors. For example, I have had to do quite a bit of adjusting to living in an incomplete structure of a house when trying to prepare for the workday. I would struggle every morning standing to look in an available mirror or locate my eyeliner or mascara. Nothing was ever where I needed it, and it was that little bitty straw that broke the camel’s back or in my case opened the gate for my beast to get out. I would start most mornings in a terrible mood. I then decided to lock the beast up by bringing a little bit of harmony to my morning routine by buying, building and appreciating a small vanity and stool. It helps me start every day in a better headspace.

http://Makeup Vanity with Round Mirror… https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CB5TVXP7?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
Photo by Teona Swift on Pexels.com


Bonus one) Hallelujah is last, but certainly not least!!! Start your day in prayer! Tell the Lord the things you are grateful for and watch your environment become more harmonious, and your mood more positive, and your patience restored, and remind yourself that Jesus loves us even at our worse, which means he even loves that beast inside of us too!

Other strategies found during research:

1. Don’t bite off more than you can chew.

2. You are NOT responsible for everything.

3. Let other people do their share.

4. It’s perfectly fine to take a step back now and then to gather your bearings.

5. Know when to walk away.

These five points are the keys to achieving balance. When you find your world getting a little too crazy and hectic, just breathe and remember these things.

~H.A. Larson

Thanks to http://www.halarsonauthor.com/2018/09/finding-balance-in-midst-of-chaos.html?m=1 for reminding us that it’s ok to find balance and serenity for ourselves.

Sarah’s initial piece on The Chameleon Effecthttps://sarahmyles.net/2020/07/01/managing-borderline-personality-disorder-and-the-chameleon-effect-through-the-end-of-lockdown/

Season 2 Episode 4: Unconditional Love & Mental Health

How can we start curing our mental health disorders? I definitely feel like I am on to something with this general idea of love being the cure.

Listen to what I think about this… here! https://open.spotify.com/episode/6dLPzI6fymtnFEqhrivpW0?si=kidrE9zrR8arlt3f4HfmDw


The sad truth is that you can’t cure BPD with unconditional love. The problem isn’t that people with BPD don’t get enough love. The problem is that they feel such worthlessness and shame that they think they don’t deserve it. So your love encounters Teflon and slips away. But it’s difficult to face the worthlessness and shame and work on it, in therapy or out. All they know is they don’t feel loved, which means you must be doing something wrong.”

BPDCENTRAL.COM