Season 1 Episode 2- Podcast Notes

Title of Episode :Monsoon Kind of Pain

Link to the podcast below.

https://anchor.fm/michelle-clonch/episodes/Monsoon-Kind-Of-Pain-Season-1–Episode-2-e1p8ohf/General-INTRO-a8n8g9j

Intro: Hello and welcome to “The World in Black and White”My name is Michelle and I’m the narrator and creator of this podcast.

Vision for the podcast:My hope is that this podcast will be a platform that delivers hope to all individuals that may be overwhelmed by the challenges mental illness creates when trying to  navigate life in a positive and successful way. I hope to help others by teaching forgiveness and self-awareness.

What does BPD mean?: My personal definition of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder.)  The person with BPD will not always look at things from a logical plane.  They will however; always look at situations by the way the situation makes them feel. A person with BPD is very perceptive of everyone’s emotions, as well as their own.  Meeting new people or being in large groups can be exhausting, as they are intercepting all of the emotional data from everyone at once.  This is  not intentional, it has been wired into their brains as means of survival.  The person with BPD, will more than likely do 1 of two things at gatherings, they will stand out from the crowd or retreat entirely.  This of course depends on the feedback from the crowd.  One on one conversations are the preferred method of communication for the person with Borderline.  The person with BPD has problems with impulsivity, self-destructive behavior, setting boundaries, and self-awareness.  

The technical definition of Borderline Personality Disorder as listed in the DSM-V is 

Borderline Personality Disorder

Diagnostic Criteria 301.83 (F60.3)

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects,

and marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts,

as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (Note: Do not include suicidal

or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternat-

ing between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex,

substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-

mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria,

irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of

temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms._______

An analogy I came up with for any person in a relationship with BPD person… 

   Borderlines are amazing people, and I am not here to only discuss the negative aspects of living with BPD.  BPD people feel EVERYTHING, they want to love everyone or at least help everyone, and they will be some of the most fun-loving & charming people you will ever encounter.  They can also fit in with almost any type of crowd. 

    On the flip side, they are very cunning creatures as well.  They are capable of convincing “their person” to open up old wounds, this then allows the person with BPD to apply care or a temporary band-aid to the wound.  A little while later (could be days or weeks), the BPD person will rip off the band-aid and pour salt on the wound.  While pouring salt on the wound they will also desperately want to hear the other person’s undying commitment to them. They may need to hear some phrases of validation like; “yes, I love you” or “I will not ever leave you!” 

I can say from personal experience, both the person dealing with BPD and the other person will not like this part of the relationship, and it will happen periodically. But even though the person dealing with BPD knows this interaction makes them hard to live with, it ultimately leads to real & unfiltered conversation and intimacy. If you prove to the BPD there is no depth that you will not dive with them, you have earned a place as their most trusted person, however it will not exclude you from proving your loyalty time and time again. Sounds like the worst kind of initiation process, doesn’t it? Well, it is hard for the individual trying to be in a relationship or friendship with the person living with BPD, but even more disheartening for the borderline. This often leads them to a place of self-isolation, convinced that they can trust no one,and have no one to lean on, very seldom will people stick around to complete this initiation process, I mean… would you?

If you or someone you know has experienced this please message me your experience. I’d love to get feedback from others on this particular topic. 

Byte of Insight: On behalf of BPD sufferers everywhere, I can say in their defense. While the constant need for validation is exhausting for both people invested in the relationship this behavior shown by the borderline is originating from a place of fear. Most BPD sufferers do not want to be abandoned. This fear even trumps their fear of death. It trumps all fears, really. That fear becomes a puppet-master, as well as a self-fulfilling prophecy, and the preferred method that the borderline will use to find validation will send most logically-based individuals running for the hills. It will not be until BPD individuals become completely aware of their dark traits and tendencies before they can begin to reroute the brain’s pathways, and begin to repair their relationships.

*If you look at the BPD as an orphan, you will start to observe the emotional elements they desire from a partner/friend and are actually pretty easy to provide.

Now I’m speaking honestly cause I live with this disorder, not as a doctor, but as a patient that has been working on myself daily for the past 5 fears. So symptoms and behaviors may vary but this is my list…

The Borderline wants to KNOW unconditional love! 

A place to call HOME

Another person that is CONSISTENT and RELIABLE

Last but not least, A person that is DURABLE and STRONG. 

Challenge for the week: Take a look at your life right now and choose 1 thing in each of these categories that you really love, not what you have chosen to go along with to be pleasing, but 1 for each area. Focus on an activity you love to do. The second thing, A sound or playlist you love to hear. And third thing, A sight or person you love to see.

I will focus on these things as well this week and I will report on these things next time.

When we begin to unravel this disorder we will be able to locate who we really are and I think this gives us a good starting point.  

I will end with the reading of my poem.  “Monsoon Kind of Pain”

https://michellefightsbpd.com/2020/09/23/monsoon-kind-of-pain/

Thanks so much for tuning in, 

What did you learn?  Who can you share this podcast with?  If this resonated with your spirit or perhaps made you think of a certain someone in your life, please share this with them.  I believe mental health is something we are overlooking on a massive scale and in order for people to heal, we need to be able to speak about this openly and honestly.  That is one of the main reasons I chose to bring what understanding I have about this disorder and other complexities to this platform.  

Alright folks, until next time… Choose truth, goodness and love!

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