Season1 Episode 3: Poorly Constructed Play

Listen to the podcast here:

Intro: Hello and welcome to “The World in Black and White”My name is Michelle and I’m the narrator and creator of this podcast.

Vision for the podcast:My hope is that this podcast will bring hope to all individuals that may be overwhelmed by the challenges mental illness creates when trying to navigate life in a positive and successful way. I hope to help others by teaching forgiveness and self-awareness.

What causes BPD?

There is not one single cause that produces BPD in an individual; it is a combination of factors that most people who suffer from BPD have little to no control over.  The first factor is genetics.  One or both of your parents can pass down this disorder, and you would not be aware that your parents suffered with this disorder, if it was not necessary for them to see a mental health professional.  The possibility of passing this disorder on to your children is approximately 46%, according to recent medical studies.  This disorder is now being described as a brain disorder, the problems experienced by the BPD individual are a direct result of the neurotransmitters in the brain. www.NHS.UK “The neurotransmitters are messenger chemicals that transmit signals between brain cells.  Altered levels of serotonin have been linked to depression, aggression, and difficulty controlling destructive urges.”  The study revealed that many people with BPD show that 3 parts of the brain were either smaller than usual or had unusual levels of activity. 



*Orbitofrontal Cortex

Photo by Markus Winkler on

I am currently seeking a doctor that will do my  MRI imaging to help explain what is going on with my brain. The company I am currently looking into is the AMEN CLINIC, they have a facility not too far from me, so that may be what I endure next to try and fight this disorder.  This will not be cheap, apparently they don’t accept insurance and the entire package will be over $5,000.  I do feel that it will be worth it.  

I think it is important to note some of the recent emotions and internal struggles I have been dealing with lately.  I have been experiencing depression more frequently as well as memory loss, low self esteem (more than usual) experiencing major fear of being abandoned, higher anxiety and overall fatigue.  I was hoping to grow out of this, but I guess if it is truly a brain disorder it will not matter how much I want it gone, it returns.  So I suppose, it is not something I will just grow out of.    

This audio clip was recorded on October 27th around 12:00 cst.  [VOICE RECORDING 10/27/2022]

Environmental factors that must be figured into the equation, might be any of the following:

Victim of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse

Exposed to long term fear or distress

Neglect by one or both parents

Growing up with another family member who had a serious mental health condition, such as bipolar disorder or a drink or drug misuse problem.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

Unresolved fear, anger and distress from childhood can lead to a variety of “distorted adult thinking patterns” such as

Idealizing others ( you might regard someone as perfect or put them on a pedestal.)

Expecting others to parent you. ( ex. My husband has said at times he feels he is raising a teenager, when dealing with me.)

Expecting others to bully you. ( I have social anxiety, because I catastrophize social interactions, and have canceled on many friends, because I make myself believe that they don’t actually want to hang out with me, but just feel sorry for me.)

Behaving as if other people are adults and you are not. ( At work this has forced me to play the role of the adult in the room, but in other areas of my life I see this aspect of the disorder play out.) 

There is an unpredictability from me in any relationship, I either want you or I want you to leave me alone. It’s this “go away/ please don’t go” attitude.  I wish I was better at controlling this. 

Black and white thinking (dichotomous) the world for BPD is either all perfect or all terrible.  This distorted thinking leads to splitting, and that will be the topic for next week so tune in. 

Byte of Insight: Borderline’s do not like the difficulties they experience.  They don’t want to be alone, it is one of their greatest fears.  The brain is a complex organ and controls our actions.  The person suffering from BPD is the puppet while the chemicals in the brain are the puppet master.  I know that people with apparent brain disorders would most likely be forgiven for their mistakes, but a person suffering from BPD can be high functioning, intelligent, compassionate, competitive, and lovable people.  They are just highly reactive to their environment and at the mercy of their mind that doesn’t function normally.  This shouldn’t be an excuse, but a way to conceptualize the problems brought on by BPD.  I have often felt like my actions weren’t mine when looking back at some of the self destructive things I have done in the past.  I have owned up to them to step into my truth, but at least now I see that I had little control over my actions then.  I wasn’t educated on the depths of this disorder.  After working a great deal on self awareness I have become better at monitoring myself and my impulses.  I still shop too much, but my boss said, you are a woman… that is expected! 🙂  

Challenge for the week: I tried to focus on three things and I wish it would have helped my brain this week and at times I feel it did.  I noticed at the moments were I made myself get up and do some sort of activity it raised me from a lower state.  If you start feeling really sad, do some sort of physical activity.  This will help your brain by releasing endorphins, and it may just be exactly what you need. I listened to my favorite music/sounds which currently are binaural beats.  And my favorite sight has been talking and actively listening to my kids when they tell me things about their day.  My daughter is quite imaginative and my son has a heart of gold.  Enjoy those you have been blessed to guide and look after.  This week was really a hard week for me dealing with my mental and emotional state and other family things, but my hope remains to get rid of these issues.  I want our challenge for this week to be reach out to an old friend.  Let them know that you think of them often or maybe even reconcile with someone you have lost contact with, and wish you hadn’t. I do know that maintaining relationships is one of the most difficult things from the person dealing with BPD.    

When we begin to unravel this disorder we will be able to locate who we really are and I think this gives us a good starting point.  

Photo by Lisa Fotios on

I will end with the reading of my poem.  “Poorly Constructed Play ”

Poorly Constructed Play

Thanks so much for tuning in, 

What did you learn?  Who can you share this podcast with?  If this resonated with your spirit or perhaps made you think of a certain someone in your life, please share this with them.  I believe mental health is something we are overlooking on a massive scale and in order for people to heal, we need to be able to speak about this openly and honestly.  That is one of the main reasons I chose to bring what understanding I have about this disorder and other complexities to this platform.  

Alright folks, until next time… Choose truth, goodness and love!

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