I skipped the podcast this week, as I have had a bit of a stressful week. Dealing with things that I have been anxious over for several months. If you read my bio, you are aware of all the things that have happened in my life since the end of 2017 and the start of 2018. I have dealt with almost losing my family, my job, my sanity. I have done my very best to prevent all of those things from happening, and I am happy to report that I have my family and although it requires a great deal of work, it is work I am happy and willing to do. I had a meeting with my school and they are going to keep me. It will be a slight change of assignment, but just the fact that they didn’t want to lose me made me so excited for the new assignment. I welcome the change whole heartedly. I will describe more when I have been given the green light to announce it to the world. I am ecstatic about the progress I have been making and while my sanity is still in question, I am taking back control of my life.
I have been awake since 3:00 am and woke just to use the restroom. I feel I wake at this time almost every night. If it isn’t 3:00 am, it is 4:00 am. I guess that is a sign that I am getting older. I remember the days when I could sleep through the night. This also never happened before being prescribed anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety meds. Does anyone else see these changes?
I just spoke with my best friend on the phone yesterday and she is such an amazing friend. She was heading down my way and wanted to stop by after she was finished attending a wedding. I loved that she called me to tell me. I was not feeling too hot yesterday after the meeting and after my son’s ballgame. A headache continued to keep me off my feet most of the day and night. I think it was brought on by stress, but could have been anything really. My friend and I have known each other for over 20 years. That doesn’t seem possible, but it is true. She has always been a ton of fun to have around. She has one of the most AMAZING laughs, and has a great sense of humor. I could always be myself around this girl. We have had so many adventures together. She is now a mommy too. She adopted a son, who is absolutely adorable and smart as a whip. She works hard and has plenty to show for it, I am very proud of her.
During our conversation, she said that she had listened to my podcast and thought that it sounded a bit like I was taking all the blame for the decline of my marriage. She asked, “does Brad take any responsibility?” I could feel my immediate defense starting to rise, and wanted to immediately agree with her and say “not really!” The truth is, he has taken responsibility, but more than just declaring how he could have done things differently. He is still taking responsibility with every sincere apology and by learning how to best deal with someone that has BPD. If I have learned anything throughout this whole process, the important thing isn’t that you point out who is to blame, it is to stay focused on the journey and your mutual destination. I am not here to blame him, what would that change? Nothing.
Brad and I had a discussion when he got home from work, he had a load of mixed emotions when hearing the news that I was still employed with the school. I could tell something was bothering him almost immediately, but I was trying to avoid any confrontation. For 1, I had a headache lingering, and 2, I wanted to feel good about myself for longer than an hour. I wanted to soak in it for the rest of the night. I understand that sometimes we don’t get what we want in a relationship. It is that give and take, right? He was overwhelmed by the costs of the divorce that we halted. I asked him to look at it in a different way. I said, “don’t look at it as money down the drain, look at it as money spent to get us to a higher level of understanding each other and on to a better relationship.” He replied, “easy for you to say!” He is right, it was easy for me to say. I didn’t want to bear the load of guilt and blame that comes with such a high price tag. He was also a bit bothered that I would still be an educator. Where we live educators aren’t paid very well. He was hoping for a better paying job so that I could help out more with finances. I do want to help out more with finances, but a school schedule allows me so many other things that a higher paying job may not offer and these are things that I need. I need to be off work when the kids are out of school. I need to be able to drop them off in the mornings and pick them up after school.
(My babies pictured above… Circa 2014)
I need to be able to be a mom first and an employee second.
This job although still a difficult job works best for those priorities. Those priorities may change for me once the kids are older and taking care of most of these things on their own, but for now it seems more suited to my priorities. I just didn’t even battle this point, I only said ” I am just happy to have a job, and one that is so close to home.”
We can control ourselves and that is exactly what I will continue to work on. It is a bit more work to try to regulate my emotions when feeling criticized, or confronted… but I am gaining patience as well as a better understanding of human emotions.
The World in Black and White 