I found this question on Quora and wanted to post it here as well as I haven’t felt like doing much blog writing or podcast creating lately. I have been absolutely exhausted from rebuilding our house after the house fire from nearly a year ago and holding down my job as an adult ed teacher. SO here it is… I am back and the next podcast will be up sometime this month. Promise, it will be an interview and I am excited to have this guest and know you will gain something from that episode, so be looking for that in the next couple of weeks.

Signs of borderline personality disorder include various behaviors, ranging from excellent to despicable. The PwBPD develops toxic but effective methods to alleviate emotional pain and may develop bad habits within this processing of stimuli. I believe that most of what the BPD will display are simply their own bag of coping mechanisms and overuse of these mechanisms establish their defective behaviors. I will point out some of the coping mechanisms I have dealt with personally.

I believe that most PwBPD are experts at hiding their true selves, (a learned behavior driven by fear, we can’t be ourselves because being ourselves wasn’t effective at keeping those people we desperately needed to remain in our lives.) So, the PwBPD becomes the human chameleon. The PwBPD is certain that changing who they are in order to be more pleasing to the people they need and hopes that it will remedy the pain of not FEELING loved or wanted. The PwBPD could possibly learn that the pain of not being loved never subsides but continues to exist with extreme peaks and valleys. The person dealing with BPD knows that it is less important for them to show their own preferences than to gain the FEELING of being loved/wanted. You might even observe a PwBPD by their unique ability to blend easily into any situation or peer group. Sign number 1, the person will be a talented actor within their roles. The sad fact is most people living with this disorder have no idea that they do this. They are quite literally existing in survival mode. If you know a people pleaser, you might know someone with borderline. Either way, this is a sign and can become a habitual response to external stimuli.

I believe the second sign, that not a lot of people discuss and a major problem in my life, is having a terrible memory, whether long or short-term. I am barely able to recall any memories from my childhood. The memories I am able to recall vividly are highlights of traumatic events that produced some sort of pain or agony for me. The good moments never seemed to make it to my personal memory timeline. I have to work very hard now & focus on maintaining mindfulness throughout my day and try to attach a feeling with the moments I hope to remember. The piece I stumbled upon said that the mind of the PwBPD is controlled by the emotional center. That if you want to memorize/remember something, make sure it makes you FEEL something, otherwise you will let it go and forget it almost instantly.

Sign number 3, A PwBPD is equipped with the ability to hyperfocus on the minute details of the emotional state of those they are closest to. A PwBPD may perceive it wrong at times, but this is on super rare occasions. This is mostly due to living so much of their lives in survival mode. A good hunter can spot game, an expert hunter can detect their prey’s movements and habits and make it a good spot to take out their prey before it knows what hit it. A PwBPD will do this with almost everyone & does so with little to no effort. They don’t do this to actually “take out” the people they are closest too, but to detect those that are unwilling to be there for them. Hunting for emotional pain relief.

A PwBPD knows how to survive chaos, and when things are too good it makes them overly anxious. They lie in wait for the shit to hit the fan. If things are good and they are triggered, they will create the familiar chaos they know they can survive. This ensures that a PwBPD will display patterns, most often these patterns play out without the borderline even being aware of it. It is their natural response to external stimuli. Sign number 4, they conceal their disorder by creating chaotic environments/situations.

A PwBPD also struggles with controlling impulsive behaviors. They are the most likely person to agree to those spontaneous adventures, going on a shopping spree even if they only have -$45 in their account, & turning to any kind of addiction.

Physical signs that a person could be dealing with borderline personality disorder… obvious attention seeking, becomes very needy of the person they FEEL abandoned by, self-harm (I would say this may include but is not limited to cutting, picking the skin, nail-biting to extreme, negative self-talk, isolation, tattoos, eating disorders, and other risky behaviors.)

A PwBPD may be unaware that they are being self-destructive. I know that people with BPD have a reputation of being these ruthless heartbreakers, hell bent on collecting as much pain from others as possible… I don’t believe this to be true at all. We are trying to exist in a world that has been successful at making us perpetually feel unwanted & unloved. We are capable of hurting ourselves & we will do this much more frequently than hurting someone else. I am not saying that we won’t hurt those we are closest to on our search for pain relief. The need that shows up is, “I hate FEELING like this… I need to FEEL better.” This means you should probably prepare yourself for the toxic coping mechanisms that are about to arrive like an unexpected house guest. I will say in defense of those dealing with BPD, we don’t want to hurt anyone, but we will if given the proper stage to do so. If you have chosen to be in a relationship with someone that has borderline personality disorder, you have to remember a person that has BPD has two perspectives. One perspective is “all in” the other perspective is “all out”. These perspectives are determined by the interaction you choose to have with the PwBPD. So be careful of how you interact with a borderline especially if they are fully engaged in seeking pain relief. I do know that this search for emotional pain relief happens almost automatically for the PwBPD. We can switch off the logic center (coping mechanism) and turn on the emotional center of the brain (coping mechanism) without blinking an eye.

I was in my late 30’s before I was diagnosed. I have been diligently seeking relief in the form of collecting information on this topic for 7 years. I have found that consistent workouts (kickboxing) help me with my many aspects of this disorder. I write and write and write, especially on days I feel the most misunderstood. I seek quiet by listening to music. We live in a state of “FEELING” too much so there are moments where numbness becomes what we hope to achieve. Lately, I have been trying to name the things I feel. Most of the time when I find myself in emotional pain, it is because I am overly stressed or feel like my needs are not being noticed or even considered. I hope this has been helpful.

These viewpoints are my own, based off of my own personal experience and things I have read along the way. I am a real human being; I write to provide relief and a better understanding of this disorder for anyone suffering from borderline personality disorder. My hope is that we learn about what creates this disorder so that some day we can find a lasting remedy.

Have a nice day! sincerely- A PwBPD