Tag: Retail Therapy

I’m looking at the “GREY”

More specifically, I chose to finally add “Grey’s Anatomy” to my list of things to do when the world stopped functioning normally and told all of us to stick it out inside of our homes (for an unspecified amount of time.) I knew this was a lofty goal to set… to complete this mega-series. I just had to do something.

Why had I waited so long to start watching GA? … Well, I asked myself this exact question just a day or so in to watching the show.

The series had started at the end of March, 2005. The cast is full of McDreamy’s (@PatrickDempsey) and McSteamy’s (@EricDane) and the line up of actresses are women you either want to ask to be your friend (@SandraOh) or emulate. (@EllenPompeo) they did amazing with casting.

I could have used this show in 2005, but during that time in my life, I am not sure that I would have appreciated it near as much as I do now at 38 years old. At that time, I was about to wrap up 4 years of active duty service at my final duty station, Ft.Benning, Georgia. Just finishing up my time as a war-seasoned E-4, Corporal. I was struggling a bit to find myself knowing that I was no longer the small-town girl I was when I entered the military. How had I lost myself so much during these 4 years away from home? Had I experienced too much independence, maybe? Is that even a thing, too much independence? Was it necessary for me to go through all of these things to lose her? The person I was told to be. (Sorry writing out loud.)

The Infantry Center Chapel, Ft. Benning, GA

I wasn’t going back home or back to that small town. I had just gotten engaged and had been busy planning my wedding, which was quickly approaching in just a few months. I would sit for hours after work sewing on my wedding dress, pondering what the rest of my life as a soldier’s wife would be like? Truth! The idea of a wedding at this point petrified me. I did know that I wanted to hold onto that respectable soldier, and this was the next step. We managed to stay together for 4 years. He stayed in the Army and I moved back home. The call of the familiar was too loud for me to just ignore.

This is the exact pattern I used to make my dress.

I created a fantasy future while absorbed in a different series. A series that involved Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda & Samantha. Yes, I was living out lifestyle fantasies with the girls from Sex in the City. I wanted to go live in New York City and have a sophisticated lifestyle comparable to theirs. Instead, what I opted for was marriage to that respectable soldier and a move to Ft. Bragg. I guess I did a few things to live like those gals and still do. I shop like all of them (*thrift stores) act confident like Samantha & write like Carrie ! 😂

I believe the real reason I didn’t cave to watching Grays Anatomy at that time, was I didn’t just do what was popular or on trend, I did what I wanted, when I wanted. The truth was, I had no idea what I was missing out on. This show is a dream come true for the person with BPD. (Borderline Personality Disorder) So many of the characters deal with trauma, had I watched this in 2005 it may have been too early in my life, it wouldn’t have resonated then the way it does now.

You can see two characters in particular display great growth throughout the show as their characters suffer major losses and heartbreak. Meredith Grey and Alex Karev are very relatable and you grow to cheer for their success despite whatever chaos they invite into their lives.

Thank you @ShondaRhimes for creating such a great series! Your talent is amazing and inspiring.

Just watched Season 10: Episode 14 this song came on and it just makes sense about changing the world. The only thing we have to do is start with OURSELVES.

Man in The Mirror

This show was more than entertaining for me it was therapeutic and the cast became friends for me during the lockdown. I know I will watch it all over again because it made me laugh. It made me cry. It made me feel, which showed me life isn’t over. To end this little blog post this is a little quote that Meredith Grey’s mother would always say to her.

🎠 “The carousel never stops turning” – Ellis Grey

So pick your favorite seat and hang on! Have a great day and if you decide to watch Grey’s Anatomy let me know what you think. It was a 10/10 for me!

“Carousel never stops turning”

Friday Feelings- My mental health self-evaluation day

My “Thank God it is Friday!” Face…

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Looking inside yourself, truly searching for who you are… then trying to describe yourself to others should be a skill that is perfected at my age. I will be turning 36 in less than two weeks.  I should be pretty good at this by now.  Name any person I should know better than myself.  I am drawing a blank, but honestly forcing myself to evaluate my thoughts and my current progress is a bit mind-boggling right now as well.

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I told myself that I would start being more mindful, and what better place to start than being mindful of who I am and who I am becoming daily. I can honestly say for me and many others that this task of truly inspecting yourself without bias is one of the most difficult things to do.  It is easy to make excuses and to draw sympathy from others with these self-proclaimed excuses.  I don’t want sympathy, sometimes I feel like I want sympathy.  I really don’t.  I want to be healed of this disorder.  My husband reminds me that people with this disorder can go through many years of intense counseling and still struggle with it.  This is a disorder that I was genetically predisposed to have when combined with a traumatic event or loss of a caregiver.  I can only really do this when I am honest about my mental growth and what still worries me.  True communication about what ails me and confronting these feelings and thoughts before they result in action will be my focus.

I can easily poke fun at myself, and talk down about myself for the sake of a joke, but true and honest talk about what is going on inside is very difficult.  I will now at this very moment designate my Friday blogs to be only about my mental health.  and what things are polluting my feelings about myself or my life while dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I have had some ok days this past week.  I have also had some very down days.  I have a love/hate relationship with the days where I have something planned. For instance, having an appointment at 11:45… and only wanting to read, or finish the last bit of an episode I found on Netflix can be bothersome.  I must tell myself in those moments. “No, you can’t cancel your appointment to stay home.”  I have to tell myself “You need this appointment more than you need to watch the rest of this show.  Hit the pause button, Michelle.”  I must tell you, the most difficult thing I am really discovering is controlling the urges to fall back into old habits.  Thankfully, I am not talking about finding someone to rescue me from my old prison.  I really feel that I have been able to stay focused on my family and mindful of the sacrifices and heartache they have already been through because of my lack of restraint, and I do not want to walk down that road ever again.  The urges that I am talking of that take me back to familiar ground are my urges to online shop or stop at a thrift store to seek out that bargain that gives me a good feeling, that momentary high.  I know that sounds a bit ridiculous.  I am and have been struggling to stop my online “window” shopping.  The kind of shopping that says, ” I will only buy something if I can’t live without it.”  Then moments later you have a cartful of items, and you are telling yourself… “Just keep it under a $100 sister, you deserve it.”  Seriously, this inability to control my thoughts and feelings about finding a good deal and my impulse to purchase things on sale not based on whether I need it or not has really put a strain on my financial situation.  I am trying my best to be honest with myself about where I want to be in five years, and living paycheck to paycheck is not where I want to be.  I have a stinking Master’s degree for goodness sake, and military experience.  Why in the world am I drowning in debt.  I need to improve the hold I have over my reigns on shopping urges.  I understand that I can live without the momentary high for the over-all improvement of my financial situation, and to find myself in a better place when my children are adults.  I am not just working on myself for me. Who I am and who I am becoming affect all those that I love.

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(Above Picture) is a great example of where I was.  I looked to shopping as “retail therapy.”  This is the most expensive and pointless therapy ever.  Do not fall victim to its alluring elements.  It will only lead you to feel worse in the end. It is a feeling very close to disappointment.  Oh, wait! No, that’s the feeling.  DISAPPOINTMENT.

Today, I am feeling very good about the things I have done recently to declutter my life.  I have done this for my kids as well.  Even though my youngest still has entirely too many stuffed animals and well, toys in general.  It feels good to understand what has been weighing me down in this particular part of my life and to consistently be present-minded at detaching from it’s powerful hold over me.  I do not want to be controlled by urges and these momentary & fleeting “good” feelings.  I am smarter than BPD.  I am stronger than BPD.

 

Help for those that struggle with IMPULSIVE SPENDING.

Have a blessed day.

TGIF, celebrate the small victories too.  We made it another week. Praise the GOOD LORD!