Tag: present
New Year, New Expectations
One of the things I’ve definitely learned in life up to this point, is that the only person you can truly have expectations for is yourself. Expectations for the person with BPD can lead to many explosions and disappointments.
I’ve learned that to expect someone to behave in a way that is pleasing to you, well it’s just not realistic.
Having expectations for any other individual (one exception maybe being your children) can often leave you feeling gutted (empty) and miserable(depressed). Almost a quarter of a century ago I remember making some smart-ass comment to my mother… “Don’t have expectations and you won’t be let down.” Quite a feisty comment coming from the mouth of her teenage daughter.
I think she said something about cleaning up a mess her pup had made after the pup had torn up an entire roll of paper towels. My mom had been at work that day, and when she walked through the door, she said “I expected that you would see this mess, and take care of it!” She was right to say that, as she is my mom… but I also saw this particular situation as not my responsibility because it wasn’t my dog.
This back & forth of vocalizing our expectations actually led to me being thrown out of her house. I was 16. Thankfully, It didn’t leave me homeless, I lived with my dad & I was only there that Friday to visit for the weekend. Long story short, we eventually got over it and had a proper discussion about it.
Now I see the ways I could have handled myself more appropriately. However many, many lessons had to be learned in order for me to see the error in my ways and change my bitter & spiteful attitude. I really should have cleaned up the mess, not because it was her expectation, but because it was the right thing to do.
After all of those lessons, I have learned that I don’t try to teach my children to meet MY expectations. I show them the expectations I have for myself that will hopefully lead to me becoming a better human being, and I openly talk to them about choosing appropriate expectations for themselves as well.
You can always communicate your expectations for the people in your life, but it is still up to that individual to accept those expectations as their own or up to you to find out what expectations they may have already established as their own.
I’m starting this year off by being intentional and realistic with my personal expectations. I will not look to others to meet my expectations because they have their own. If I find myself expecting something from someone I will pull back and readjust my perspective to seek understanding rather than to be let down by unmet expectations. Happy New Year to my beautiful BPD warriors! Let’s expect it to be great!
Season 1: Episode 7
Self-Awareness
Link to listen to the podcast:
Intro:
Hello and welcome to “The World in Black and White”My name is Michelle and I’m the narrator and creator of this podcast.
Vision for the podcast:
My vision for this podcast is that it will bring hope to all individuals that may be overwhelmed by the challenges mental illness can create.
Announcements: (none)
Topic: (SELF-AWARENESS)
Alright… Welcome back everyone, this is episode 7 of the first season of The World in Black & White! I am going to try and knock out 11 episodes total, for Season 1 before the start of 2023, so wish me luck!
This week’s topic is very near and dear to my heart, SELF-AWARENESS!
I don’t know the percentage of Borderlines that deal with this issue, but I am sure it is high.
If I were put on the spot to give 100% honesty on whether or not I liked something I would respond with a neutral type of response, still being unsure of what the appropriate answer might be for the given situation or I’d be worried about the response the person asking me the question is seeking. I’d probably just say “umm sure, it’s good”
For starters, I do not like to offend but the closer I steer towards being authentic and honest, the more I realize that there will be times where my wants and needs may not be the same as others, and that my opinions and beliefs may not match their beliefs.I just need to remind myself that this doesn’t make me offensive. (because In my head, offensive people aren’t well liked.) and because well, answering with an agreeable answer is less troublesome.
but I have found that the moments where I have abandoned my opinions, beliefs or values to be agreeable for someone or something are also the initial moments that create conflict in my life. I know now that I must redirect my responses towards honesty and steer clear of always being agreeable.
This amnesia of self may be one of the most destructive behavior patterns for PwBPD.
I have made a lot of progress by bringing my focus on being present, really tuning in, consistently seeking my inner voice, and presenting the truth to others about the thoughts that are awakened or my true feelings when situations needing my input may arise. //
CRISIS HELPLINE:
I would also like to let listeners know of help that is available. Call one of these numbers or text them to find help. I pray you always find someone there to pull you up.
You can call or text 988.
Another helpline available through the National Alliance for Mental Illness is 800-950-6264 or text “HelpLine” to 62640
Are you able to make good decisions in a timely manner, or do you waver a bunch and say “well what do you want to do? Or what do you think we should do?”
I always thought this behavior pattern of mine to be a considerate personality trait. I was offering the decision to be made by someone else, to give them an opportunity to experience any level of joy out of that decision. But in doing so, I have lost the ability to make my own decisions based on what I truly think or believe. However; I think one of the only times we aren’t indecisive is when something causes us to “feel”. I am curious to find out if this need to “feel” happens because so many people with BPD actually function in their own lives in a numb and apathetic way.It appears we have discovered some kind of mental switch for autopilot.
However; this default in my brain to avoid making decisions for myself stems from my inability to see who I really am and what I really want. This also leaves me with the inability to be decisive. I rely on many other people to help me make good decisions. Why should I trust others and their decision-making over my own?
Well, I think that’s a good question!. I think I have stumbled upon something that will help us understand a little bit better why people with BPD have such a hard time with self awareness and understanding who they are, what they think ,and what their beliefs are//
BYTE of Insight:
Lately, I have been struggling a ton with not being able to see myself. I don’t mean I need to buy glasses or clean my bathroom mirror. I mean, I’ve noticed that I’m lacking in the area of self awareness and understanding my own identity. I am working at getting a better understanding of all the things that make me, me.
This may sound silly to some listeners but I do believe that this is a big issue for someone battling textbook BPD.
Not having the slightest clue of how others see you may directly berelated to that inability to see/know/or understand myself.
I bet if you have BPD you are bothered by this just as much as I am.
We have already learned that splitting occurs, as well as other unhealthy defense mechanisms when the PwBPD is threatened and that this happens on a subconscious level.
I am now constantly telling myself, there is no threat Michelle. Or reminding my brain that everything is ok, because I don’t want some unhealthy defense mechanism hijacking my mind or my behaviors.//
STUDY OVER SELF: Alright what I’m about to read is an abstract from a study
Link:
Mentalization and embodied selfhood in Borderline Personality Disorder – PMC (nih.gov)
ABSTRACT: Aberrations of self-experience are considered a core feature of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). While prominent etiologic accounts of BPD, such as the mentalization based approach, appeal to the developmental constitution of self in early infant-caregiver environments, they often rely on a conception of self that is not explicitly articulated. Moreover, self-experience in BPD is often theorized at the level of narrative identity, thus minimizing the role of embodied experience. In this article, we present the hypothesis that disordered self and interpersonal functioning in BPD result, in part, from impairments in “embodied mentalization,” that manifest foundationally as alterations in minimal embodied selfhood, i.e. the first-person experience of being an individuated embodied subject. This account of BPD, which engages early intersubjective experiences has the potential to integrate phenomenological, developmental, and symptomatic findings in BPD, and is consistent with contemporary theories of brain function.
“disturbances in self and other mental representations are fundamental to borderline psychopathology” (p.514). Similarly, Kerr et al. (Kerr et al., 2015) calls for a “reconceptualization” of BPD as “a disorder of self and relationality” (p.346). Interpersonal symptoms can include confusion about self-other boundaries with identity diffusion, projection of difficult affects onto interaction partners. One person with BPD evokes a bodily experience of this confusion (italics added):
(So this is from one person and what they have said but it hit me 100%!)
When I’m around other people, I can feel their energy. I can feel whether they’re happy or unhappy. I can walk into a room and feel whether there’s tension in the air or if everyone is getting along… Having my own identity issues makes it even harder to be around certain people. I feel other people’s emotions so strongly that sometimes, I believe they are my own (Mae, 2017).
PLANS For Next Episode:
So I am thinking I will go further into this study and talk about it more on the next episode, one of the last things they talked about in the study is that while bpd
“ remains in current classification systems and can be reliably diagnosed. A considerable body of research on self and BPD has accrued, including a recent profusion and confluence of neuroscientific and socio psychological findings. These have generated supporting evidence for a supra-ordinate, functionally constituted entity of the self ranging over multiple, interacting levels from an unconscious, ‘core’ self, through to a reflective, phenotypic, ‘idiographic’ and relational self constituted by interpersonal and sociocultural experience.
I am listening to many people that have been diagnosed with BPD on reddit and other websites that focus on psychology or mental health. I ventured to one site called themighty.com and found an interesting article entitled “25 PEOPLE SHARE THE WORST SYMPTOMS OF BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER”
One of the responses from James said that his worst symptom was this…
“No sense of self. I went through so many majors in college and I am constantly second guessing myself. Do I really want to do this with my life? What about this instead? This looks better let’s do this. It’s tiring for myself and everyone around me. I’ll finally settle on something and then something better will come along and I jump ship.”(quote from Themighty.com)
I believe people that are highly sensitive to their environment look externally for the correct response, because we were the ones to keep environments from becoming too chaotic during important moments of development. We weren’t given appropriate space and time to figure out the things we like/dislike, or what we really feel. We were more than likely always told how to feel, or “to get over it!”
Challenge:
The challenge that I would like to put out for this week is to use TRUTH as much as possible, rely on yourself to make those decisions, stay present, focus on listening to yourself, make a list if you have too. But the challenge is to be honest about what you want, and what you need. And I think that is a good challenge for this week and I think it will pull you to a better place of SELF AWARENESS.
CLOSING: Thanks so much for tuning in… We have come to the end of the podcast. What did you learn? Who can you share this podcast with? If this resonates with your spirit or makes you think of a certain someone that has experienced similar issues in their life, please share this with them. I believe mental health is something we are overlooking on a massive scale, and in order for people to heal we need to be able to speak about this openly and honestly.
…Until next time… Choose truth, goodness and love Closing:
First Book In The Works
“Oh The Places You Will Go… “
There is no journey, quite like the one we go on, when we decide to explore ourselves. ~M. Clonch
There have been moments in my own life that would completely boggle the mind of most people. You see, I know that for a fact as I’m the one that has made these decisions and sometimes I’m even perplexed as to how I could have made such decisions. I have led my life with my feelings mostly in charge of the reigns. If it seemed that it could meet expected, desired results, then I would agree to do certain things. This led to some impulsive and downright selfish behaviors. Now, I’m sure most people would say they have done things in their own life that they aren’t proud of. If SHAME were a bed & breakfast I booked myself a room there and stayed inside the executive suite, brewing shame & self loathing for several days, & at the very worst of it, I’ve stayed months & months. I think the cleaning lady finally came along & kicked me out. 😂
I am guilty of staying at this place several times, and still, I am guilty of revisiting the entrance to this place from time to time. When I maintain self-awareness, I can simply observe quickly of the mental place I have arrived and decide it’s not where I want to be. Understand that something should be learned in this moment and then simply move along further on the journey. One could also succumb to the alternative & just book an extended stay at the “I Hate Me Hotel” and wallow in self-hate. The option is always there, but you must realize the final decision is always YOURS.
I choose to be in a state of constant motion, not so much a physical state of motion, but I keep my brain active. It’s best not to book a long stay at the “I Hate Me Hotel!” So if I find myself at the entrance & if you accidentally find yourself here, this is my advice; Step 1) realize you are about to check in to the worst place ever & then request an early checkout. Know that there will never be refunds, and it will cost you dearly if you choose to stay. Step 2) Take note of the path you took to get here, and avoid that path. It was only meant to be traveled once. There is no need to return.
Hopefully, by this point we are both envisioning the “I Hate Me Hotel” as this run down hotel, that kind of resembles a haunted house. It needs a lot of TLC, and everything about it is dark and uninviting. I’ve learned that this place physically exists in our minds. Personally, I know that my mind at times can be very dark, a self-deprecating place. This place can speak awful things about ya the entire duration of your stay, and one should never expect to have any fun while staying there.
I’ve also discovered a lovely place, we will call this place “Peaceful Retreat” this can be a place of deep self- love, self-forgiveness, intense joy and appreciation, oh yeah and sarcasm. Yes, sarcasm- this is one of my most refined personality traits. It has to be included at the “Peaceful Retreat”!!!! 😂
Throughout my personal journey and experience with these “places” we can stop in & stay, this I have learned. YOU must agree to stay there. No one is forcing you and no one can rescue you from it, except YOU! If you learn how to identify these internal points of interest, you can discover new routes that may help you avoid the traffic jam (depressive state) all together.
I have learned to recognize the places I travel regularly, my husband calls this my patterned behavior. In all my years, it seems the only routine I was sticking with was killing me on the inside. Now when I arrive at these “points of interest” I ask myself, “do I really want to stay here? And at such a high price?” Fully aware that if I choose to stay in that place it will tear me down internally first, then it will promote havoc externally. Knowing that this mental state only aims to tear me down or mentally wreck me, makes it much easier to now say… “umm no! Not today Satan! I don’t want to feel bad about who I am.”
Ok, so what does this all mean? Discovering yourself and going on an internal journey. First off, the journey can take years, so pack a bag that will help you stay prepared for anything. You won’t realize all the difficult terrain you will come across. I suggest throwing in a few people that you know you can trust & that can help you along the way with some external insights & brutal honesty.
Enjoy the journey, you are the guide, you are the amusement, you are everything. { “I” am not in your journey, but “YOU R”! }~M.Clonch
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading. I hope I have helped you recognize something about where you might currently be in your journey and that your next destination completely relies on you!
My journey has currently taken me in a direction that allows the stronger and more beautiful parts of who I am to shine, and this light helps me see more clearly of who I hope to become. pray that my journey is a long one! Check out Www.TheEmeraldGypsy.com to see my current point of interest. I’m loving it, I’m not the greatest at it yet, but I’m giving myself the opportunity to try to be. Love and peace to all! Stay Safe!
Falling in Love With My Authentic Self…
Every year, I find myself evaluating my life’s journey as my birthday approaches. This year will be the last year in my thirties. I don’t think 40 is that old, now that I’m sitting so terribly close to it. I look at all the things I have experienced over the last 300+ days of my 38th year and try to evaluate all the ways I could have been a better person, while quietly celebrating the times I am sure I did my very best.
Dissolving the lens I once used to look at myself, helped to initiate a sudden series of revelations. Removing this lens allowed an opportunity to meet my true self. At first, I began to see who I had always been. The innocence that I thought I had lost, resurfaced, reminding me that it had never left. The curiosity, I used when exploring my world as a child, gained intensity. The biggest inner transformation occurred when I decided to accept all of my mistakes.
I mean all of my mistakes, the big ones, the small ones, the consistent mistakes, and my future mistakes. I forgave myself with the most simple of intentions. I recognized that I was already forgiven, the only living soul without sin, the man with a flawless record, had not only forgiven me, he painfully & selflessly sacrificed his body without deserving any of it. He took my lashings, he bled for me. He wept for me. He died for me.
If he could forgive me, then it would be a “perfect” thing for me to also forgive my past transgressions as well as any future transgressions. I thought deeply about his physical sacrifice, the pain he endured on my behalf. All so that I could be saved, and instead of choosing to live within this gift of eternal blessings, I was choosing to live in the physical pain of sin. He knew long before you & I were ever born that ALL humans would need this absolute forgiveness. I started chipping away the deception I had lived in most of my life. The idea that I wasn’t enough. A lie! The idea that I was not created with a purpose. A lie! The idea that I was set to live out the path my mother had cleared for me. A lie! The idea that I couldn’t be a messenger for God because of my sins. A lie! The idea that my soul was lost or confused. A lie! I began to rebuke the lies. I began to tell myself the truth. I began to love myself, not in a selfish way, but in the way I could finally see my soul as not being perfect, but as a soul that was formed and yet still worthy of His only son’s sacrifice. You are worthy of forgiveness and that was why such a huge sacrifice was necessary, a perfect sacrifice for a multitude of sins.
With a large dose of truth & pure light I began to forgive myself… I noticed that I was no longer just a blossom, but a beautiful bouquet of self-love.
This past year has awakened me in more ways than I ever thought possible. Each day bringing new & welcomed challenges, as well as a new level of self-awareness. Becoming self-aware unlocked some deeply buried potential. This higher-level of awareness began to absolve the negative lens I had used to view my life. Looking back now, I can clearly see that this had been the singular lens in which I had been looking through while trying to find purpose in my life. It is difficult to find your truth and your purpose when the view is covered in lies (the negative lens).
I became acutely aware of boundaries I had permitted to be crossed and broken, I became aware of my detachment from the meaningful parts of life, and learned of the places in which to apply necessary boundaries. I searched myself for all the pain and injury from my past that I had allowed to reside in my spirit, and began to write eviction notices. I had carried them all for far too long. Childhood trauma, you can leave! You are evicted. I don’t need you. I can take care of myself now, as well as I take care of my own children. (This required a lot of forgiveness and a huge release of carried resentment that I felt as it physically detached from my spirit.) I grieved each time I evicted past injuries. I had to intentionally set aside time to forgive the people that I felt had taken advantage of my kindness, my innocence, my goodness! I had found that I had subconsciously held onto this pain for most of my adult life as justification for my own errors. I had been living life like some sort of weary traveler, loaded down with negative feelings, thoughts and emotions.
I now have a greater understanding of myself & that there will always be things that I encounter that I will try to hold onto, and I can at times be better served by just relenting my control. If you are like me, you may try to control most things in your life, so to release this control can be very challenging. Learning to let things go can be a painful exercise, understanding that we are unable to direct specific or certain outcomes can be comparable to cutting off one’s own leg. I had to figure out where my ability to change things began/ended. The moment I became aware of myself and the parameters of my influence. I began to better understand and give proper respect to the outermost boundaries of my influence. This helped me relinquish the control I once held onto so tightly. A firm grip is not long lasting. My firm grip would soon lead to the loss of any type of grip allowing moments for everything to spiral out of control. I’d find myself completely exhausted, waking among the aftermath of the storm, I had created.
I didn’t know how to find me, and instead of broadening my search, I kept looking in the same old places. I kept looking for me in other people. No one knew what I was looking for or that I had felt I had been a missing person. It was easier not to explain my search… not to ask who they thought I was? Secretly, I would search my surroundings and people I had been around to find what I alone had been hiding. Who am I? What did I want? What was my purpose?
For the longest time I couldn’t distinguish between the things I’d done to please others versus what I actually wanted. I know I’ve made decisions in the past prescribing to a life that is better for everyone. These decisions however wise, left me feeling proud and yet confused. Some passing moments or events would cause me to question my motives. It was only when I would seek the stillness and the quiet that I could realize my purpose. I’d realize my heart. Some memories swirl tirelessly there. Kept guarded internally, so I can keep them safe. The heart/soul, is a vast container of all that is good, it holds everything that is dear, it also contains and provides love.
My mind can often be confused by the sacrificing of self, (My flesh). It is only when we have removed the flesh can we discover our spirit. My soul will seek to understand His will, my self will seek to understand my own will. When I relinquish control now I do so confidently knowing that my purpose is to fulfill His will and not my own. Remarkably, with this understanding you realize nothing brings greater spiritual fruit. My own happiness grows through acknowledging my spiritual purpose. Love Abides in me and I am in Love with who “I Am”!
Praying for peace during these uncertain times! Remember, you belong, you have a purpose and know that you are loved! Thanks for reading!
Saving The Floor & Foundation…
On Friday, I was forced to work from home, reasons beyond COVID. The building where we have classes had to shut off the water… plumbing issues. Hopefully they will have it all figured out by Monday.
What the east hallway looked like.
So we did what we always do… we press on! Understanding the difficulties and adapting to overcome those difficulties.
Teaching on Fridays, normally plays out with me in my classroom, students joining me on Zoom at 9:00 to attend class. We have our Distance Learning instruction, they can ask for assistance, and then I distribute assignments. The rest of the afternoon is for planning and entering data. I love Fridays at work. But this past Friday that didn’t happen. We managed to have class, but the enjoyable afternoon I normally have didn’t happen. Instead, I came home to a construction zone with tons to do.
I’m dead tired. Friday night we were up until 6am. Saturday up until 1am. We have tons left to do. I hope I can handle it.
I’ll post the after photos as soon as new floor is in. I’m looking forward to the redesign aspect of this job though. I love looking at how amazing something can potentially be. Pray for us! This stuff is hard work.
Neurofeedback… My Personal Experience and Research
I was going to do a podcast on this topic, and I may still choose to do one later on… Here is the information I have found to help introduce the therapy I am currently using to help manage my symptoms of BPD.
Video : What is Neurofeedback?
Website: Explains this very well!
I have recently started neurofeedback therapy. I have had 4 treatments lasting anywhere from 30 to 40 minutes. The side effects I have noticed are feeling a bit more tired than usual, which is usually cured with an hour long nap. It has also caused me to be a bit more sensitive to situations that test my emotions. More frequent mood swings, but ones that were short lived and easier to manage.
**I am not a medical professional and do not offer my experiences as general expectations for any person. These are only my own personal observations. I feel each person may have their own unique experience when dealing with methods to help cope with BPD.**
I have listened to several youtube channels of doctors trying to explain what a person dealing with BPD looks like. What I have noticed, is that they have labeled us as individuals that are hard to work with. This is obviously based on individuals that they have treated, that are hard to work with. They blame this incompatibility on the client suffering from BPD because BPD sufferers have dichotomous thinking, We have a tendency to perceive the therapist to either be “all good” or “all bad” I feel that if doctors are aware of our ability to think in this way, maybe they should try a little harder to be on the side of “all good” in order to help their client achieve some relief of the symptoms of BPD.
I have been lucky enough to visit with two counselors that conduct each visit with care and compassion. I don’t feel that is too much to ask from other individuals, especially those being paid to help you manage and better understand your mental afflictions. I have read books that have been super beneficial with my struggle and I have started a treatment that I barely knew anything about, purely at the suggestion of a caring counselor. I have noticed significant benefits and of course as with anything, there are some downside to it as well, but nothing I can’t handle or overcome.
I started this blog to help people who suffer from BPD find comfort in the fact that they aren’t alone, that we don’t have to wear a mask of perfection all the time, and that someone out there in the world appreciates that you are surviving each and every hardship that may hit you daily. I also started this blog to help couples understand that relationships even those that aren’t dealing with mental health issues require time, attention, and hard work. I feel that the outcome depends purely on the investment you are willing to make.
I was asked to try biofeedback after seeing my children’s counselor during our family therapy sessions. I told her I was willing to try anything. The very next counseling session she hooked me up. The biofeedback helps read your brain waves. I know they say that it doesn’t do anything to the brain, but I have actually left needing a nap like I had just completed a two-hour, mind-numbing test or something. My brain must be doing mental gymnastics during my sessions… I am completely zapped afterwards. The data that is collected is supposed to show some if any dis-regulation in the brain waves.
I wanted to present this information early and track my progress. I do feel that it has helped with my anxiety and I do feel a bit more focused. My energy levels are still low, but this could also be due to the fact that my hormones are still out of whack. I am also working with my Nurse Practitioner to resolve those issues as well.
The thing that has been the best tool in managing BPD is self-awareness. We may not be able to manage the emotions as situations arise… I know this is something I still struggle with, but we can choose to be more present and less day-dreamy to have control over our actions and how we interact with those around us. It isn’t easy and I do understand the desire to get lost in thoughts can sometimes be overwhelming, but allow yourself to practice being present and it becomes easier. This I can guarantee.
Good luck and have a blessed day!
New Podcast: How does one help a friend or loved one deal with BPD?
What causes your SOUL to catch FIRE?
Cold is uncomfortable it causes people to tremble and shake when it is felt at extreme low temperatures. There is a need for the body to find a source of heat, our bodies create heat to sustain a normal temperature of 98.6 degrees. It does this by shivering, this occurs when your body falls as little as one degree below its usual core temperature, which is normally around 98 degrees. When this happens, a part of your brain called the hypothalamus lets your muscles know that they need to start moving in order to generate heat. Have you taken your spiritual temperature. Are you freezing, are you warm or comfortable, or are you on fire and creating warmth for others to feel?
FEED THE FIRE
Psalm 39:3
Inward Fire
My heart was hot within me, While I was musing the fire burned; Then I spoke with my tongue:
musing- in one definition it is called meditation, and in another it is described as complaint.
So I think this scripture could use a bit of interpretation and can mean one of two things. We begin to burn either through meditation and quiet time with ourselves and God, seeking a place of transcendence beyond the earthly realm in our spiritual environment. Then we should speak of the outcomes. Or it could be interpreted as burning inside by reason of injustice and feeling the need to complain. I feel that this is something most people are better at, and the other interpretation takes more time to learn and practice.
I find myself complaining about a lot of things throughout the day. “Ugh, I have to do dishes, I have to do laundry, I have to get dressed to leave the house, I have to pick up my child’s toys. I know, I know… I shouldn’t complain so much. I should seek more time in meditation instead of complaint. It is easy to become complacent in our lives to get comfortable in the warmth of just surviving. How is it that most still feel as though they are lacking something more. What do we need to fuel the flame inside each of us? I think of that song from Sunday School, “This Little Light of Mine” How many times have you let Satan put it out? Does it still burn as a small flame? If you had to provide someone else warmth from your flame, could you?
I feel that God is an enormous amount of energy. He created us, he made us for a purpose. We are all offspring of that energy. Could our fire get as big as GOD? That coal is placed inside of each of us. It is our portion of His Holy Spirit. I believe every person begins life with the same ration of Holy Spirit. He gives us the opportunity to listen to the world/ satan and have it snuffed out by negativity and evil actions/responses to the world or we can choose to let it grow.
How does a fire grow? You feed it. The science behind fire is simple. What does a fire need? Typically, fire comes from a chemical reaction between oxygen in the atmosphere and some sort of fuel (wood or gasoline, or coal for our analogy). Of course, wood and gasoline don’t spontaneously catch on fire just because they’re surrounded by oxygen. For the combustion reaction to happen, you have to heat the fuel to its ignition temperature. This simple understanding of fire and how it works can be used to help us understand ourselves better and also our role in walking in the spirit.
Giving off warmth and light to those around us. My ignition temperature may be different than even that of my brother. He is genetically similar to me because we are the offspring of the same two individuals, but he has sought after God for the majority of his life. A faithful servant. I have been wayward and in my attempts to find God, I complained that my life was too difficult to bear. My ignition temperature must be a higher temperature. The problem wasn’t the coal we were created with, it was the temperature variance we were also created with, in order for our fuel to ignite. If you are a person with a similar ignition temperature these words may be hitting you with complete clarity and understanding at this point.
So I just looked it up and all types of wood have varying ignition temperatures. We are even similar to the trees aren’t we? How can we all expect to be designed the same way, we are all here fulfilling a different purpose and walking a different path. Obviously there are people in our lives that seem to burn daily with maybe just a tiny spark happening some place close by and it sets their coal to burn an amazing flame. Then there are people like myself, that almost need the whole area around them to be scorched to ashes before recognizing that ignition temperatures have been reached and it is time to burn.
This came from praying this morning and looking at our fire pit this morning. Let your coal find oxygen and let it set a blaze to not only keep you warm but others warm as well. Your spirit can burn just find your ignition temperature and surround yourself with things that cause a spark.
May God bless you today!
**Disclaimer** I am not a religious expert or claim to be. This is just some insight I am sharing today. I have received some feedback on this particular entry -“that we aren’t born with the Holy Spirit. That it is a gift.” Whenever it does actually reside inside of us whether at birth or later, after accepting Christ is not poignant to the fact that we need to find the things that cause it to set ablaze. It is there if you believe it to be there. God’s love is there. Show it to others!***
The World in Black and White 
You must be logged in to post a comment.