Mindful Moment

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I had a doctor’s appointment today, so I decided to put into practice a few things that I have been reading in the book I just started. I will be writing my review on the book soon. The book was suggested to me by my kid’s counselor, “One Minute Mindfulness.” Did you know you could change your life in 60 seconds? Yeah… Me either. I have been trying to get a lot of things accomplished at home and Summer baseball is in full swing (pun intended.) Organizing and such before school starts back for the kids & I in August. That is correct, you heard me right. I will still be working as a teacher. Assignment pending, but most likely not with elementary students. Praise the good and gracious LORD! He has been with me through some of the darkest times.

MINDFUL MOMENT

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The wind & small leaves work together, creating a small symphony.

Starting at the tip top of the surrounding trees, feel that breeze.

They create a sound similar to that of great applause.

They show their joy for this moment I took to pause.

I am present in this moment, I am aware

I hear the birds all around me, their beautiful song

And a greater presence joins, or maybe it’s been here all along.

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I feel the birds know that I envy their existence.

boasting their worry-free life, allowing me but a glimpse.

They swoop down for a quick breakfast on my lawn

As the glistening dew reflects the dawn.

The way they can see into each tiny hiding place

Makes me give a moment to this creature’s natural grace

birds flying

To fly above the world, a glorious view

warm rays of sunshine, brilliant skies of blue

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The working bird, yields a nest

picking up remnants of a forgotten mess

A small bundle of twigs, a few pieces of string

patiently waiting for the new life it will bring

The moment of listening to the leaves today

takes me to a place of gratitude, and I pray

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I pray for my family and for my friends

I hope they know the love I have for each of them.

Life is full of beautiful moments such as this,

Don’t let them pass you by, an always fleeting bliss.

Hold dear to those you love and tell them everyday

Sweet friends, in this moment I learned to never forget the importance of play. 1040564_10200707385820949_648089819_o

Play relieves the pain and sadness of this world

maybe tomorrow I will take a moment to pretend I’m a bird.

Written by: Michelle C

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Nail biting and BPD : Mental Eval Friday

For as long as I can remember I have been a nail biter. I even have a picture somewhere that shows me biting my toenails. Before you begin to judge, I was only 2 years old. At that age it wasn’t gross to me. I will say it now, though… GROSS!!! And instead of my family stopping me, they only stopped to make it a Kodak moment. I am sitting there in some very tight fitting, 80’s styled toddler outfit, looking like some sort of chunky albino monkey chewing on my toes, bearing a huge grin on my face. Thanks mom or grandma, whomever is to blame for the evidence we now have of my intense nail biting. This habit was obviously a self-soothing method to cope with my nervousness. Instead of sucking my thumb, I found relief in chewing up my nails. I just recently discovered that this is something that people with BPD suffer from as well. (Article attached at the end of blog.) They are also classifying people that bite their nails habitually and harmfully as OCD, labeling these individuals as having a diagnosable mental disorder.

I have had several people give their best efforts to keep me from biting my nails, the jalapeno sauce on the fingernails, and one of my aunts went as far as even trying to bribe away my bad habit. She would say that if I could grow my nails she would pay me some hard, cold cash each time I would go to visit her with longer nails. I was unable to grow them at that age. Life for me at that time was far too nerve racking. I do feel that I learned to chew my nails during intense moments to help ease my anxiety. And then it became a horrible habit that until now I felt I was unable to break.

I can remember spending loads of money getting fake nails, and feeling better about myself almost the instant my nails were done. How does a little bit of powder, gel and polish change the way I feel about myself? I know that how we feel about ourselves on the outside can affect our mental state. It can cause serious issues. What could possibly be enhanced by fake nails? Why stop there, why fake lashes, fake breasts, fake tan, makeup even. Falsifying who we are on the outside to make ourselves feel better on the inside. Personally, the idea that I could apply beautiful nails hid the fact that I had a horrible habit of biting my nails. It also concealed my failure with my battle of being a nervous and insecure person. The fake nails hid those real parts of me. I loved fake nails, and I would even pick out the polish by the name… It had to match my mood or the persona I wanted to exude.

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I am happy to announce that my addiction to fake nails has since been rehabilitated and I have beaten my nail biting nervous habit. I am now actually growing nails, and I can’t tell you how this small & unimportant physical feature actually empowers me. I feel like this is something I have battled since the age of 2. I had always felt that I wouldn’t be able to beat this habit. Making the once impossible idea of beating this bad habit, now very possible. The major change for me that has helped me beat this habits was first simply asking myself what it is I want? Giving myself time throughout the day to care for myself. Making my mind up to be more present, to be engaged more often and less time checked out. I could spend hours adrift in my thoughts, before practicing mindfulness. I check in with reality a lot more regularly now. Being more intentional with my actions, and with the way I want to treat myself and others. I don’t live in a fantasy world, and I know I create what is happening in my life, and that I am in control of what happens with my body. Starting with growing long, beautiful nails. This is just the beginning of being 100 % real.

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Now if I could just kick my habit of Snapchat filters… I would be all real all the time. LOL!

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Happy Mother’s Day to all the super hero moms out there that do their very best for their kids! Every day isn’t always easy, but they are all definitely worth it.

Biting nails and BPD… Read HERE

Nail Biting article… Read HERE

Literature Review: Choose The Life You Want (The Mindful Way to Happiness)

I am nearly finished reading this book. It has provided a lot of useful information. I am happy to have found it available at my local library. So a choice piece of literature for free. Bonus! And for a person that hasn’t been able to complete a book in a very long time I am feeling very good about including one of my old cherished past times of reading back into my daily routine. That word “routine” seems funny for me to even write. I have very few things that are routine. However, I seldom perform these “routine” tasks at the same times each day. Is it still considered a routine? The definition describes it as a “fixed program.” One fixed program that I must stick to is making a cup of coffee in the morning. Each morning a wonderful little invention called a Keurig creates a bit of magic in my kitchen. It dispenses a perfectly made cup of motivation. I don’t know what I would be without it… probably still asleep. 🙂 Thank you Keurig manufacturers.

On to the highlights of the book. I get carried away sometimes with my thoughts. It is my inevitable “squirrel” moments.

Chapter 88 is a chapter every living, breathing person should read. And possibly revisit several times throughout their lifetime. The title says all that needs to be said, “Experience your mistakes as catastrophes -or- Treat your mistakes as valuable feedback” As a teacher it was very easy for me to remind my students that mistakes were part of the learning process. Inventors do this and learn from their mistakes. We know that mistakes are inevitable. The fact is no one is without their faults… The trick here is to find the value of every mistake made. Remember the lesson that you learned from your mistakes and then avoid making the same mistake again. Consequences are valuable teaching tools, but they aren’t nuclear bombs. You can LIVE and LEARN and continue LIVING. If we were meant to learn without mistakes, erasers would not exist.

One of the final statements made in the book is this, “Choice unleashes the potential within each moment. As you become MINDFUL of the potential within this moment your life gains momentum, becomes momentous. When a moment matters, LIFE MATTERS.” I really hope to remember the meaning of this statement for the rest of my days. We are the directors of our lives, each and every day plays out the way we choose it to. For the longest time I have always told myself that someone else was in charge or controlling parts of my life and this would always stifle my personal growth. I now take responsibilities for myself and my decisions, staying mindful of this will help me continue with making progress.

Have a wonderful day being in charge of your life!

2 CUPS PODCAST: Episode 5

Strategies that have helped me during my shift from suffering from BPD and trying to pick up the pieces to building a life I am proud of. Take a listen!

CLiCK HeRE to LIstEN!!!

Friday Self-Evaluation

A question I have always had an immediate response for is “are you ok?” I know because my answer is always one given without much thought at all. I say “yeah!” or “Uh-huh!” I say this without really checking myself to see if I am actually doing ok. It’s more of a reflex, really. I should be more mindful of this response when people ask, right? I want to give them honesty. A true response, but I just give the short, quick answer because I don’t feel that anyone wants to really hear my thoughts on if I am truly ok. Does this say more about me, than the person asking the question? I think so.

I have asked people this question before, with the expectation of getting the answer I usually give… The reflexive “Yeah!” or “Uh-huh!” When I actually meet someone that wants to divulge their personal problems to me or dives in a little deeper than I am comfortable with, I usually mentally check out. The occasional head nod and eye contact usually works incredibly well for managing a conversation without really having a conversation. Then, I start wondering how many times have I done this to someone? How many times has someone used this “checked out” strategy with me?

It is very scary to be vulnerable and honest with people. I just said these words yesterday. “I have been dissecting myself for all the world to learn about this disorder.” I have no end goal for this forced transparency shown through my blog… Except to practice transparency. In hopes that being mindful and transparent one day becomes automatic. I also utilize blogging as a system of accountability and as a log to refer back to later on in life.

To answer the question, “Are you ok?”

Yes, I have been doing ok. I have noticed that mentally and emotionally I am not ok with my weight gain right before the summer months. It emphasizes my need to be smaller and to look more toned and trim. I will more than likely limit my eating or invest in a cute bathing suit cover up.

I am physically drained everyday. I feel as though I have accomplished something worthy of mentioning when I complete laundry or put the dishes away. Lately, just making sure I have sent my son off to school with a good breakfast and a lunchbox full of food is equivalent to working a full 8 hours. I know it doesn’t make much sense, but I feel that if I have done that than most of my work for the day is complete. The other half of the day I only need to take care of my daughter’s physical needs. If I am having a good day, I will add a little more excitement to our day by going to different places or just letting her play outside while I lay down on the patio furniture. These days are rare.

I am hoping to add more to our day today. I am resting on the couch now and it would be fine with me if someone could come in and take over for me today. Lethargy has taken residence inside my whole being.

I woke up at 6 am, made my son breakfast, made sure he was well equipped to tackle the day on his own and dropped him off with his baseball team for a tournament. I then made it back home, served the baby girl breakfast and started the Keurig. I was able to get a cup of coffee down. I still feel that I need 12 more to get to a level of “just woke up” Does anyone else deal with this? How does one overcome this? I want to work efficiently throughout a day, I would take one day.

So maybe I am not ok… I am realizing I need things to get me there.

on to cup #2. Have a great day! I will most definitely use up all of my energy, trying.

Better Late Than Never:) Podcast Episode 4

Episode 4 —CLICK HERE—-

I have spent most of the day in the ER with my husband, his job takes him out into the country to shoot footage for films and he is now undergoing treatment for Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Thanks to a little bitty bug that wanted to suck his blood. It has been a day, but staying mindful and appreciating the small victories is helping me. This podcast and completing it today is one of those victories. Please keep my family in your prayers. Have a blessed night!

I will try to get caught up tomorrow.

#Self Help Saturday- Happiness, Not For Sale!

The idea that “happiness” can be purchased, is what teams of advertisers want all consumers to believe. Once we buy into that idea, the credit card companies jump on board to continue this false hope by allowing consumers the means to purchase more and more in order to eventually purchase happiness.

I just did a google search for the word, “minimalism” my search was not birthed from my imagination. I actually watched a documentary about “Minimalism” last night while enjoying dinner. Minimalism, would be a complete lifestyle overhaul; one that only allows those things that are necessary for survival, or brings the person absolute joy.

It doesn’t mean that everything is absolutely bare, just the minimal amount necessary to live

As I have been studying myself, searching for who I am. Like an old gold-panner sifting through sand and rock searching for multi-sized, valuable gold nuggets. I am finding my own nuggets. All varying in size and value; I am realizing my beliefs, understanding the origins of my automatic thoughts, both negative and positive. I have also discovered that I choose my actions… While I have been busy panning for the gold nuggets internally, I have been sifting through the family dwelling, questioning the purpose of numerous bits of clothing and household items that only offer clutter. The house is coming along and taking on a whole new feel. My life is becoming more of what I want it to be. Intentional and full of purpose. Happiness can be gift wrapped and placed inside shopping bags, but the happiness you thought you bought fades before the credit card bill even arrives in the mail. A temporary good feeling, is not true happiness. It is only a momentary high, a feeling someone can get from the hunt of a good bargain or obtaining a quality product that very few can afford. So can true happiness be found in an exclusive brand or rummaging through the clearance aisle and the filling of a shopping cart?

Or will it actually take removing all of those things, you once just had to have, before finding that lasting happiness we all so desperately seek? Maybe we all have just been burying our own happiness. Covering it all up with things, because society has amplified our needs to be more and have more. I think I will start taking it upon myself to sell this idea… “You are enough, you are beautifully made and intricately designed to just be you. ”

I have been reading books on being mindful, and some of the useful bits I have found today say that we should try to appreciate what is around us, and to sit silently and meditate to find creativity awakened and to have energy levels replenished. Find a natural setting that invites you to listen to the silence. Last step, just listen.

I think I am dealing with insomnia now, its 2 am and I need to be awake early tomorrow to be baseball mom for my son and fun mom for my lil girl. I will try to lay down now to catch some shut eye.

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Good night all, and search yourself for that hidden happiness, it will be discovered for all of us I pray

Podcast #3 and My Self-Evaluation

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2 cups Podcast: Episode 3

I did notice today that I may in fact need friends for emotional support. I think I can handle a small circle of friends. It was nice to see that she was doing so well. I loved hearing about her sister, and the success she is finding in her young life. I was sad to hear that her mom and dad are no longer with us. It is crazy how easily we could talk about anything and everything. It was like we hadn’t experienced any time apart. I really enjoyed sharing the newly found self-awareness, I have recently experienced. To hear that she had been making it through her own struggles made me aware of her strength. She says to me, “Isn’t it crazy that life doesn’t ever turn out how you think it will?” I replied with a nod of the head… “So true!” I am understanding now we all need friends, good friends, to make it through this thing called life. coffee

I have put so much pressure on my better-half, he has to be almost everything for me. I know now that this amount of pressure on a person can’t be healthy, even though he has been doing an amazing job of getting me through these past couple of months since accepting my diagnosis. I realize one person can’t be another person’s everything. It is not healthy. If you love the other person you wouldn’t want to put that amount of pressure on them, right?

A friend that I have had since Junior High came to visit with her two babies today, and has always been a person I have never had to be false around. She was one of the only people ever invited over to the run-down, trailer house we called home. It was refreshing to hear that she felt I was never dishonest around her. I was like… “Yeah, but there are several ways I was being dishonest. I would wear masks, and mirror individuals, and was deceiving myself.” Luckily, she knows where I come from, she knows my heart and knows I have the ability to be brutally honest. She had seen so much from me over the years, I could see that this was a little hard for her to believe now. I love my friend, it felt nice to catch up, and I am truly thankful that she was there for me as a kid, and has reminded me that she is still here for me now. Thank you!

small circle

Ok, so who else wants to join my exclusive circle of friends… I have room for about 3 more, maybe?

Tell a friend that they are the reason you smiled today. I bet it will make them smile too!

#SelfhelpSaturday Post 1

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Debt Relief Programs – TOP TEN

Debt, oh how it can envelope us. Drowning, is the term you may often hear used with the word debt. As everyone that has ever said those words, “I am drowning in debt!” really need help. How does one go from the life of credit cards, and fake freedom to a life using cash and actual financial freedom.

I of course am no expert in financial freedom, although someday I hope to be. Why listen to me? Umm… I am starting the journey to become debt free. Learn from my mistakes. That way more people, especially young people don’t make the same mistakes that I did.

As I take this first step towards this debt freedom, I realize I am about to work my way towards the most difficult journey of my life, almost like physically climbing to the top of Mt. Everest. Not many people reach the top of Mt. Everest (approximately 4,000 people) over 200 people have died, here is the list of those that lost their lives to the climb trying to reach the top of this 29,000 ft. peak. I was actually surprised to find out that over 4,000 people have successfully reached the top of this ginormous mountain. These climbers are proof that it isn’t exactly impossible, but that this is also an event that not everyone will be excited to sign up for. Talk about discipline and a little bit of insanity to sign up for this. And similarly, most people never realize the mountain of debt they have been building in their lifetime, and just where to gain the experience and wisdom needed to become an advanced climber to reach the peak of this mountain and claim it as their bitch. How do we do this? More importantly, how do I do this? 🙂

mountain How severe is debt in the United States? This is not a place of mystery for most. I just googled it and those that are reliant upon credit to survive is at 40% according to “TIME”, and of course this percentage goes up to 45% when the income decreases below a $50K yearly salary. I don’t make $50K. I am not happy about being with 45 % of the population that relies on plastic to make it. plastic and the numbers that rely on it for everyday purchases

I know the struggle, and it appears that 45% of people making a similar salary or sadly, below the amount I make, understand this struggle too.

My first step this week has obviously been to find a way to manage the debt I have incurred over my lifespan. I want to do this on my own, so I only want to manage this solely on my income. I have recently reached out to a debt relief program. Freedom Debt Relief Website I know one thing is certain they do not consolidate or pay off student loan debt. This makes me sad. 50 % of my debt or more is student loan debt. This debt sadly stays with you until the grave and somehow I have heard that it can follow you there too.

keanu says college is to teach you how to pay

Second step, realize my problems with credit card usage, and use methods of budgeting and only make purchases with cash. Do not touch allotted savings each month.

I also need something to invest in. Any suggestions?

My #selfhelpsaturday for April 7th, 2018 is about finances and being debt free. Hopefully in a year from now we can see some progress. Day 1, and step 1 of several.

HELP YOURSELF TO THESE LINKS!

5 Steps – Become financially responsible

Clean up your debt link

Huffington Post 2017 – advice on Self Care

Friday Feelings- My mental health self-evaluation day

My “Thank God it is Friday!” Face…

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Looking inside yourself, truly searching for who you are… then trying to describe yourself to others should be a skill that is perfected at my age. I will be turning 36 in less than two weeks. I should be pretty good at this by now. Name any person I should know better than myself. I am drawing a blank, but honestly forcing myself to evaluate my thoughts and my current progress is a bit mind-boggling right now as well.

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I told myself that I would start being more mindful, and what better place to start than being mindful of who I am and who I am becoming daily. I can honestly say for me and many others that this task of truly inspecting yourself without bias is one of the most difficult things to do. It is easy to make excuses and to draw sympathy from others with these self-proclaimed excuses. I don’t want sympathy, sometimes I feel like I want sympathy. I really don’t. I want to be healed of this disorder. My husband reminds me that people with this disorder can go through many years of intense counseling and still struggle with it. This is a disorder that I was genetically predisposed to have when combined with a traumatic event or loss of a caregiver. I can only really do this when I am honest about my mental growth and what still worries me. True communication about what ails me and confronting these feelings and thoughts before they result in action will be my focus.

I can easily poke fun at myself, and talk down about myself for the sake of a joke, but true and honest talk about what is going on inside is very difficult. I will now at this very moment designate my Friday blogs to be only about my mental health. and what things are polluting my feelings about myself or my life while dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I have had some ok days this past week. I have also had some very down days. I have a love/hate relationship with the days where I have something planned. For instance, having an appointment at 11:45… and only wanting to read, or finish the last bit of an episode I found on Netflix can be bothersome. I must tell myself in those moments. “No, you can’t cancel your appointment to stay home.” I have to tell myself “You need this appointment more than you need to watch the rest of this show. Hit the pause button, Michelle.” I must tell you, the most difficult thing I am really discovering is controlling the urges to fall back into old habits. Thankfully, I am not talking about finding someone to rescue me from my old prison. I really feel that I have been able to stay focused on my family and mindful of the sacrifices and heartache they have already been through because of my lack of restraint, and I do not want to walk down that road ever again. The urges that I am talking of that take me back to familiar ground are my urges to online shop or stop at a thrift store to seek out that bargain that gives me a good feeling, that momentary high. I know that sounds a bit ridiculous. I am and have been struggling to stop my online “window” shopping. The kind of shopping that says, ” I will only buy something if I can’t live without it.” Then moments later you have a cartful of items, and you are telling yourself… “Just keep it under a $100 sister, you deserve it.” Seriously, this inability to control my thoughts and feelings about finding a good deal and my impulse to purchase things on sale not based on whether I need it or not has really put a strain on my financial situation. I am trying my best to be honest with myself about where I want to be in five years, and living paycheck to paycheck is not where I want to be. I have a stinking Master’s degree for goodness sake, and military experience. Why in the world am I drowning in debt. I need to improve the hold I have over my reigns on shopping urges. I understand that I can live without the momentary high for the over-all improvement of my financial situation, and to find myself in a better place when my children are adults. I am not just working on myself for me. Who I am and who I am becoming affect all those that I love.

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(Above Picture) is a great example of where I was. I looked to shopping as “retail therapy.” This is the most expensive and pointless therapy ever. Do not fall victim to its alluring elements. It will only lead you to feel worse in the end. It is a feeling very close to disappointment. Oh, wait! No, that’s the feeling. DISAPPOINTMENT.

Today, I am feeling very good about the things I have done recently to declutter my life. I have done this for my kids as well. Even though my youngest still has entirely too many stuffed animals and well, toys in general. It feels good to understand what has been weighing me down in this particular part of my life and to consistently be present-minded at detaching from it’s powerful hold over me. I do not want to be controlled by urges and these momentary & fleeting “good” feelings. I am smarter than BPD. I am stronger than BPD.

Help for those that struggle with IMPULSIVE SPENDING.

Have a blessed day.

TGIF, celebrate the small victories too. We made it another week. Praise the GOOD LORD!

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