Falling in Love With My Authentic Self…

Every year, I find myself evaluating my life’s journey as my birthday approaches. This year will be the last year in my thirties. I don’t think 40 is that old, now that I’m sitting so terribly close to it. I look at all the things I have experienced over the last 300+ days of my 38th year and try to evaluate all the ways I could have been a better person, while quietly celebrating the times I am sure I did my very best.

Looking back I see the mountains I have had to overcome.

Dissolving the lens I once used to look at myself, helped to initiate a sudden series of revelations. Removing this lens allowed an opportunity to meet my true self. At first, I began to see who I had always been. The innocence that I thought I had lost, resurfaced, reminding me that it had never left. The curiosity, I used when exploring my world as a child, gained intensity. The biggest inner transformation occurred when I decided to accept all of my mistakes.

Mistakes are allowed!

I mean all of my mistakes, the big ones, the small ones, the consistent mistakes, and my future mistakes. I forgave myself with the most simple of intentions. I recognized that I was already forgiven, the only living soul without sin, the man with a flawless record, had not only forgiven me, he painfully & selflessly sacrificed his body without deserving any of it. He took my lashings, he bled for me. He wept for me. He died for me.

Worthy of this kind of love & sacrifice.

If he could forgive me, then it would be a “perfect” thing for me to also forgive my past transgressions as well as any future transgressions. I thought deeply about his physical sacrifice, the pain he endured on my behalf. All so that I could be saved, and instead of choosing to live within this gift of eternal blessings, I was choosing to live in the physical pain of sin. He knew long before you & I were ever born that ALL humans would need this absolute forgiveness. I started chipping away the deception I had lived in most of my life. The idea that I wasn’t enough. A lie! The idea that I was not created with a purpose. A lie! The idea that I was set to live out the path my mother had cleared for me. A lie! The idea that I couldn’t be a messenger for God because of my sins. A lie! The idea that my soul was lost or confused. A lie! I began to rebuke the lies. I began to tell myself the truth. I began to love myself, not in a selfish way, but in the way I could finally see my soul as not being perfect, but as a soul that was formed and yet still worthy of His only son’s sacrifice. You are worthy of forgiveness and that was why such a huge sacrifice was necessary, a perfect sacrifice for a multitude of sins.

Covering a multitude of sin…

With a large dose of truth & pure light I began to forgive myself… I noticed that I was no longer just a blossom, but a beautiful bouquet of self-love.

I will write my own story.

This past year has awakened me in more ways than I ever thought possible. Each day bringing new & welcomed challenges, as well as a new level of self-awareness. Becoming self-aware unlocked some deeply buried potential. This higher-level of awareness began to absolve the negative lens I had used to view my life. Looking back now, I can clearly see that this had been the singular lens in which I had been looking through while trying to find purpose in my life. It is difficult to find your truth and your purpose when the view is covered in lies (the negative lens).

Vision blurred by deception.

I became acutely aware of boundaries I had permitted to be crossed and broken, I became aware of my detachment from the meaningful parts of life, and learned of the places in which to apply necessary boundaries. I searched myself for all the pain and injury from my past that I had allowed to reside in my spirit, and began to write eviction notices. I had carried them all for far too long. Childhood trauma, you can leave! You are evicted. I don’t need you. I can take care of myself now, as well as I take care of my own children. (This required a lot of forgiveness and a huge release of carried resentment that I felt as it physically detached from my spirit.) I grieved each time I evicted past injuries. I had to intentionally set aside time to forgive the people that I felt had taken advantage of my kindness, my innocence, my goodness! I had found that I had subconsciously held onto this pain for most of my adult life as justification for my own errors. I had been living life like some sort of weary traveler, loaded down with negative feelings, thoughts and emotions.

In moments of despair, remember you are already saved!

I now have a greater understanding of myself & that there will always be things that I encounter that I will try to hold onto, and I can at times be better served by just relenting my control. If you are like me, you may try to control most things in your life, so to release this control can be very challenging. Learning to let things go can be a painful exercise, understanding that we are unable to direct specific or certain outcomes can be comparable to cutting off one’s own leg. I had to figure out where my ability to change things began/ended. The moment I became aware of myself and the parameters of my influence. I began to better understand and give proper respect to the outermost boundaries of my influence. This helped me relinquish the control I once held onto so tightly. A firm grip is not long lasting. My firm grip would soon lead to the loss of any type of grip allowing moments for everything to spiral out of control. I’d find myself completely exhausted, waking among the aftermath of the storm, I had created.

Aftermath…

I didn’t know how to find me, and instead of broadening my search, I kept looking in the same old places. I kept looking for me in other people. No one knew what I was looking for or that I had felt I had been a missing person. It was easier not to explain my search… not to ask who they thought I was? Secretly, I would search my surroundings and people I had been around to find what I alone had been hiding. Who am I? What did I want? What was my purpose?

🦋🦄

For the longest time I couldn’t distinguish between the things I’d done to please others versus what I actually wanted. I know I’ve made decisions in the past prescribing to a life that is better for everyone. These decisions however wise, left me feeling proud and yet confused. Some passing moments or events would cause me to question my motives. It was only when I would seek the stillness and the quiet that I could realize my purpose. I’d realize my heart. Some memories swirl tirelessly there. Kept guarded internally, so I can keep them safe. The heart/soul, is a vast container of all that is good, it holds everything that is dear, it also contains and provides love.

My mind can often be confused by the sacrificing of self, (My flesh). It is only when we have removed the flesh can we discover our spirit. My soul will seek to understand His will, my self will seek to understand my own will. When I relinquish control now I do so confidently knowing that my purpose is to fulfill His will and not my own. Remarkably, with this understanding you realize nothing brings greater spiritual fruit. My own happiness grows through acknowledging my spiritual purpose. Love Abides in me and I am in Love with who “I Am”!

🥳 39 years young!

Praying for peace during these uncertain times! Remember, you belong, you have a purpose and know that you are loved! Thanks for reading!

Recipe:People Pleaser, Yields 1

www.youtube.com/watch

After watching the above YouTube video the following thoughts emerged. As I continue on my journey of self acceptance and self love… I dig much deeper into my childhood and realize now that there are very specific details that helped make me into a “super people pleaser!”

Want to know how one becomes a “super people pleaser?” Here is a short list of things that I have personally identified as common things people may have experienced or endured, which increases the likelihood of becoming a super people pleaser.

Ingredient #1] stress on the mother during pregnancy. This is said to release more cortisol levels for the unborn child. (Some have also said that this can create emotional disregulation because the unborn child is receiving too much of that stress hormone in utero that it literally messes with the design of the brain.)

Ingredient #2] place him/her in an environment that is strict and also stingy with positivity.

My mom and dad… What a long story. First of all, bless their hearts. I know that they were doing their best! I can honestly say that now after being a parent now for over a decade, & looking back at my mistakes in parenting. It’s not an easy job. Anyone that says otherwise is in denial. Trust me!

Ingredient #3] praise the child only when they do exactly what you want them to do.

Growing up I was constantly told to listen. I grew up with a very authoritative dad & my mom was just enough of an authoritarian that whatever she demanded, we delivered. She made sure that we listen to her and that we weren’t allowed to have our own opinions on things like food or clothing, anything really. We were always told “you’ll take what you can get & like it.” A seriously dangerous mantra from my childhood, and I just realized this is the reason I have a hard time making decisions for myself now in my 38th year of life. Doing what I want to do seems like an action for royalty, not me. If you treat your children like peasants they will expect bread crumbs, but will settle for any piece of the crust when it is presented. It will not matter if it is their piece of the pie or not they just want more than crumbs. They want to believe that they are worth more than crumbs. This idea that they aren’t able to make decisions for themselves leaves them listening to others needs and wants while suppressing their own. Ignoring the voice that makes them unique and authentic. This idea that they are unable to access this voice and be heard has been ingrained into their brain as if to know that the voice/desire to have what they want is there, but it is out of order. The child continues through life looking to everyone else for the answers and listening to “these so called answers” even to their own demise. Because their core value or belief of who they are rests on the belief that “you are only a good kid if you do what you are told.”

Well that was enlightening. Illuminating for myself even.

2020 has been quite the ride. We have been diligently working on remodeling our home. We are nearing completion and have redone every room of the house. I will be posting photos soon of all the changes. I will be very happy to complete this huge project, it has been a difficult one.

Happy Holidays everyone! I’m praying for a peaceful 2021!

Baseball & It’s Lessons – “Little League Version”

My boy had a baseball game the other day.  They lost to a really good team.  The boys as young boys do, made mistakes.  It isn’t uncommon for them to do this.  They are learning and mistakes are great teachers.  The pitcher, one of the boys that has been with the team since it started, was on the mound.  He was doing so well.  Then after one player gets on base, his head starts to lower.  His normally healthy confidence starts to diminish a bit. My thoughts… “So what, he walked a player.” The game continues. Yells from the crowd, “You got this!  Keep your head up!” can be heard.  He throws a strike.  The crowd rewards his immediate resiliency.  He continues to pitch.  The team played hard and still came up short.  My son cried, other team mates cried.  Not from losing the game, but because of mistakes and shortcomings.  This is not a time for tears boys.  Learning is happening.

F4AA977B-1068-4237-A8CE-8A0E94E1EBFC

I always ask my son to rate his performance after a game.  I ask him, “did you feel you gave it a 100%.”  He is always so honest.  He will say “maybe 85% or 90%.”  I then ask, “What is stopping you from giving 100%.  He sometimes tells me the mistakes he made that he could have reacted quicker to avoid the mistake.  Umm, yeah… Maybe!  Or just realize that these type of things happen and that we aren’t perfect.  We aren’t always going to hit a homer or get amazing plays.  Sometimes the ball just bounces out of our gloves or we trip in an attempt to snatch the ball and make an out.

c39f8b36-ba43-4e08-84d4-8df4ed9e6cbb.jpeg

If you showed a highlight reel of my life it might appear that I have everything going great.  Add in the real elements… The blooper reel, and now you see that I am just a person trying to figure out the game.  I may be going at it giving anywhere from 85-100%, but there are some things out of our control.  I have to remind myself of this when watching my little guy play ball.  He isn’t always going to perform the way that I know he can.  The important thing is that he realizes that even after a mistake, life goes on.  It is what we take from the mistake that forces change in our lives.

FE2927CD-2E4B-43CD-94A6-7BEA4030FBA4

Even though not everyday will be a grand slam, I know that I can do my part to contribute to my team (my family)  If all I can do that day is cheer.  I will do my best to cheer them on.  If I can make a play that helps us win, I make the play.  If I mess up and start thinking that the team would be better off without me… I will listen to the words from the crowd that day… “You got this! Keep your head up!”

2B0ADA24-0982-4CF9-8FFA-310AF821F2CA

I love watching my son play baseball and I am excited and encouraged by his growth in this sport.  If he doesn’t play professional baseball someday, it will not hurt my feelings.  I know that this sport has already taught us both so much.

THUNDER UP BABY!  I love our team!

PHOTO CREDIT – All photos besides the selfie were taken by the coach’s wife! She did an amazing job and I love all the images she captured. Thank you Esther!

Sunday: A Day For The Soul – Part 6

beautiful-young-pregnant-woman-in-beach-beautiful-pregnant-161569.jpeg

Motherhood-(My personal experience)

My days spent pregnant can best be described

as unpredictable and full of surprise.

Each pregnancy lasting approximately 40 weeks.

Why can’t this pregnancy stuff just be a breeze?

A rare condition is discovered that only 2% of women experience

Hyperemesis Gravidarum – nausea with a vengeance

Needing meds for 9 months, to keep all of my food down,

And to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground.

I couldn’t wait for the sick feelings to subside

And to meet the little being that had been hitching a ride.

“Breathe, breathe… Push, push, good, once more! Here he is, your little boy!”

The hard work done for now, the rush of overwhelming joy.

mother-daughter-love-sunset-51953.jpeg

How little I knew about being a mommy

No time for excuses, let’s get to the O. J. T.

The second you hold them safely in your arms

knowing that one of your duties now is to keep them from harm

Six years of raising an amazing big bro

welcome your sister to the big show

baby-birth-child-gift.jpg

The tears you shed during this emotional moment

adoring both of the angels that Heaven has sent

There is no one that will love you two the way that I do

Never worry my angels, mommy’s love is big enough for both of you

There is nothing I am more proud of than being your mommy.

Thankful for a chance to celebrate this beautiful day with both of you in 2018.

 

 

 

 

Friday Self-Evaluation

A question I have always had an immediate response for is “are you ok?”  I know because my answer is always one given without much thought at all.  I say “yeah!” or “Uh-huh!” I say this without really checking myself to see if I am actually doing ok.  It’s more of a reflex, really. I should be more mindful of this response when people ask, right?  I want to give them honesty.  A true response, but I just give the short, quick answer because I don’t feel that anyone wants to really hear my thoughts on if I am truly ok.  Does this say more about me, than the person asking the question?  I think so.

576FDEC6-DC45-47DC-9591-06C0F6FDFD6F

I have asked people this question before, with the expectation of getting the answer I usually give… The reflexive “Yeah!” or “Uh-huh!” When I actually meet someone that wants to divulge their personal problems to me or dives in a little deeper than I am comfortable with, I usually mentally check out.  The occasional head nod and eye contact usually works incredibly well for managing a conversation without really having a conversation.  Then, I start wondering how many times have I done this to someone?  How many times has someone used this “checked out” strategy with me?  charlie-chaplin-copy-circus-white.jpg

It is very scary to be vulnerable and honest with people. I just said these words yesterday. “I have been dissecting myself for all the world to learn about this disorder.” I have no end goal for this forced transparency shown through my blog… Except to practice transparency. In hopes that being mindful and transparent one day becomes automatic. I also utilize blogging as a system of accountability and as a log to refer back to later on in life.

pexels-photo-57690.jpeg

To answer the question, “Are you ok?”

Yes, I have been doing ok.  I have noticed that mentally and emotionally I am not ok with my weight gain right before the summer months.  It emphasizes my need to be smaller and to look more toned and trim.  I will more than likely limit my eating or invest in a cute bathing suit cover up.  Random-Funny-Picdump61

 

I am physically drained everyday.  I feel as though I have accomplished something worthy of mentioning when I complete laundry or put the dishes away.  Lately, just making sure I have sent my son off to school with a good breakfast and a lunchbox full of food is equivalent to working a full 8 hours.  I know it doesn’t make much sense, but I feel that if I have done that than most of my work for the day is complete. The other half of the day I only need to take care of my daughter’s physical needs.  If I am having a good day, I will add a little more excitement to our day by going to different places or just letting her play outside while I lay down on the patio furniture.  These days are rare.

sleepingonalog

I am hoping to add more to our day today.  I am resting on the couch now and it would be fine with me if someone could come in and take over for me today.  Lethargy has taken residence inside my whole being.

sloth

I woke up at 6 am, made my son breakfast, made sure he was well equipped to tackle the day on his own and dropped him off with his baseball team for a tournament.  I then made it back home, served the baby girl breakfast and started the Keurig.  I was able to get a cup of coffee down. I still feel that I need 12 more to get to a level of “just woke up”  Does anyone else deal with this?  How does one overcome this? I want to work efficiently throughout a day, I would take one day.

So maybe I am not ok… I am realizing I need things to get me there.

on to cup #2.  Have a great day!  I will most definitely use up all of my energy, trying.

Sunday: A Day for the Soul… Part 4

Wow, this means that I have stuck with something on my own, without any external incentive for over a month.  I am pretty proud of myself.  I have realized a lot about myself over the past few months-  That there were definitely two things that I had lost over time which are taking time for myself then not feeling guilty, and to reflect on my own choices.  It is nice to force myself to remember these things on a daily basis. That self love and self care are a way of respecting yourself, and not a sign of being selfish. The better you care for yourself the better you will be able to take care of your loved ones.

pexels-photo-256546.jpeg

A Modern Day Tale ; How They Met!

 

I met him on an online rating site. (I know, how very romantic)

Checking things off the list…looking for my prince.

handsome, check

Smart, check

Tall, check

Now we just had to meet in person, right?

Is this wise, oh well! What the heck!

We meet at my work, late one night.

Easy to talk to, look at, wow! Could this be?

I will need another date, just to see.

We agree, this is something we did not expect.

We are “In Love!” How perfect!

pexels-photo-236287.jpeg

 

Thus begins the lifetime of carnival rides. 

all the unexpected surprises of life.

Not the kinds of rides that are well intended

The kinds of rides where your insides get blended

Although it’s all kind of blurry, he somehow still falls for me

We were quickly side by side, almost bound legally

but after one of you are safe within,  yes, born before we were wed.

pexels-photo-302051.jpeg

 

Do you take me to be your lawfully wedded wife?

To have and to hold, through sickness and in health?

As long as we both shall live?

He says yes,  and so do I,

You may now kiss the bride!

Don’t forget those mentioned carnival rides.

They never go away.

You’ll understand this someday.

pexels-photo-136412.jpeg

 

The twists and turns, the ups and downs that we continue to endure

Seeking now that our little family, feel stable and secure.

There are no fairy tales that warns you of this journey,

Only promises of the happily ever after glory, holy matrimony.

Never warning that some love stories may deal with disaster.

So we both continue looking for the happily ever after.

Missing out on the journey, only focused on the destination

I tried to pull the plug on our lives, twice, I turn in my resignation.

Only for it to be denied.pexels-photo-814796.jpeg

 

There are some things in fairy tales that do come true,

Prince Charming, is the person that can see right through you.

Your daddy rescued me, he rescued all of us,

I was spinning around on one of those rides,

and your daddy stayed much stronger than I

He looked deep inside himself, and held us together.

He says he will love all of us forever.

Don’t forget those carnival rides.

They never go away.

apple-diet-female-food-42068.jpeg

 

So remember our love story, even the parts that aren’t so sweet.

The moments we learn from, the people we meet.

Don’t look to Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, or Snow White

They have never really lived any sort of life.

I am sure in some fairy tale land, far far away

They live happily to this very day

They only miss out on the journey

and all of the moments are what is necessary

to remind us of what makes us happy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

#Self Help Saturday- Happiness, Not For Sale!

The idea that “happiness” can be purchased, is what teams of advertisers want all consumers to believe.  Once we buy into that idea, the credit card companies jump on board to continue this false hope by allowing consumers the means to purchase more and more in order to eventually purchase happiness.

money-card-business-credit-card-50987.jpeg

I just did a google search for the word, “minimalism” my search was not birthed from my imagination.  I actually watched a documentary about “Minimalism” last night while enjoying dinner. Minimalism, would be  a complete lifestyle overhaul; one that only allows those things that are necessary for survival, or brings the person absolute joy.

pexels-photo-271722.jpegIt doesn’t mean that everything is absolutely bare, just the minimal amount necessary to live

As I have been studying myself, searching for who I am. Like an old gold-panner sifting through sand and rock searching for multi-sized, valuable gold nuggets.  I am finding my own nuggets.  All varying in size and value; I am realizing my beliefs, understanding the origins of my automatic thoughts, both negative and positive. I have also discovered that I choose my actions… While I have been busy panning for the gold nuggets internally, I have been sifting through the family dwelling, questioning the purpose of numerous bits of clothing and household items that only offer clutter.  The house is coming along and taking on a whole new feel.  My life is becoming more of what I want it to be. Intentional and full of purpose.  Happiness can be gift wrapped and placed inside shopping bags, but the happiness you thought you bought fades before the credit card bill even arrives in the mail.  A temporary good feeling, is not true happiness.  It is only a momentary high, a feeling someone can get from the hunt of a good bargain or obtaining a quality product that very few can afford.  So can true happiness be found in an exclusive brand or rummaging through the clearance aisle and the filling of a shopping cart?

pexels-photo-1005638.jpeg

Or will it actually take removing all of those things, you once just had to have, before finding that lasting happiness we all so desperately seek?  Maybe we all have just been burying our own happiness.  Covering it all up with things, because society has amplified our needs to be more and have more.  I think I will start taking it upon myself to sell this idea… “You are enough, you are beautifully made and intricately designed to just be you. ”

I have been reading books on being mindful, and some of the useful bits I have found today say that we should try to appreciate what is around us, and to sit silently and meditate to find creativity awakened and to have energy levels replenished.  Find a natural setting that invites you to listen to the silence. Last step, just listen.

I think I am dealing with insomnia now, its 2 am and I need to be awake early tomorrow to be baseball mom for my son and fun mom for my lil girl.  I will try to lay down now to catch some shut eye.

4485D51A-F26C-49CB-B215-338BC32E780A

Good night all, and search yourself for that hidden happiness, it will be discovered for all of us I pray

 

 

#SelfhelpSaturday (4 – 14 – 18)

paint color

The above picture shows the color I chose for the living room. (Acier Gray: Sherwin Williams )

Late Friday night, I finished up painting two walls of my living room a beautiful matte gray.  The paint has a very neat and clean finish.  I chose a matte finish as it seems to be so pleasing and easy on the eyes.  Painting two walls doesn’t sound like much work to most who will read this blog… or may not even sound like much of an accomplishment. After moving the furniture, cleaning the walls, patching any screw or nail holes and taping off the trim/crown molding, I felt like I had completed a pretty intense project.  All while keeping a 3 year old, occupied. Of course she had to help mommy paint the walls.  She really did most of the painting, I just trailed behind her and spread all the globs out.  LOL!  My goodness, what I wouldn’t give for her level of energy again.

I was just looking up my color choice and found that there is a shade called : Mindful Gray.  That will be my next paint choice, maybe for the hallway.  Here it is pictured below.

mindful gray

I wrote about procrastination and a few methods that can help everyone to not put off projects until the last minute.  Rather, get started on those projects by diving in.  Stop putting things off.  Painting my living room was one of the projects I had been putting off.  It was the fault of my thoughts, obviously.  I had tossed around all the work that would be required to complete said project, and those thoughts bouncing around in my mind kept me from just diving in.

The beauty into diving into any project you may be avoiding, is of course that initial feeling of accomplishment once you complete it.  It also provides more energy within to tackle other things you have been avoiding.  It has a way of propelling us forward to complete tasks we once felt would be too much work.  Just being mindful about my attitude towards projects makes me aware of the priority of the task.  I have found if a task is mundane or redundant I will put it off until it absolutely has to be done.  I am hoping to change my attitude about these tasks.  If I am successful, dishes and laundry should be mostly done everyday.  LOL!

I know that I am not alone in my attitude with procrastination and the good feelings it can provide us after we have invested the hard-work required. sherwin williams

We had a ball tournament for my son this weekend and it was blistery cold.  The wind blowing at least 20-25 mph.  I nearly froze.  They ended up with the 2nd place title after losing the 2nd game on Saturday, then playing numerous games on Sunday (back to back) to get back to the championship game.  I know that my son was tuckered out. He fell asleep just as soon as he had some good food in his tummy.

On Saturday, after he had played a couple games we all sat down to eat a meal at a wonderful restaurant here in Oklahoma called, La Baguette.  The food is always amazing, and they ran out of our choice desserts before we were ready to order them.  We still found some delicious tasty treats to cure our sweet tooth.

la-baguette

I noticed that my son was being very quiet.  He is a normally very calm and quiet individual regardless and maybe this quiet is only noticeable to his mother.  At any rate, we started talking because I wanted to know what was on his mind.  He told me that he didn’t really want to play baseball anymore.  This actually wasn’t true once we talked it all out.  He was almost ready to make a decision based on how he was feeling.  He liked baseball.  The truth was he wasn’t too happy about a few things that happened with his performance and the reaction he received from his coaches.  I was able to talk him through it.  If I had not been mindful of his behavior, had I not been there to just listen to him and ask questions and use methods that I personally have to use he may not have understood what he was going through and could have performed poorly on Sunday.  His perception of the game would have been different and he may have felt that he was being forced to play.  I could see a remarkable difference in his performance on Sunday and I am proud of my son to see how sometimes feelings can get in the way, and it is helpful to talk about those feelings, to be heard, and to have those feelings validated.  I am so thankful for my babies and hope to continue working on myself so that I am walking proof that any one of us can overcome obstacles. The small ones, the big ones, the surprise ones.  I am helping myself today by staying focused on the little people that hold a huge place in my heart.

Have a great day!