Mindfulness

Quotefancy-33042-3840x2160 So I decided after my counseling session today that I would add a few things to my routine.  I have to be more mindful of the things I accomplish in my day while working at being more present.  I decided that I would read a chapter of a book before writing my blog entry for the day.  The book I decided to start reading today is “Are You Smart Enough to Work at Google?” By: William Poundstone.  I am only reading a chapter per day.  I can handle small goals that ultimately lead you to reaching bigger goals.  Today the first chapter tells the origin of the name, Google.  I had actually heard of the word ‘googol’ before as it is used in the mathematical sense. Oddly enough I heard this from one of my students, that had been instructed by his parent to ask me if I knew what it was.  I said, “the website?” He confidently said “No, the number.”  I said, “nope, never heard of it.”  I had a more in depth conversation about this from said parent during a parent/teacher conference.  I am sure he meant to make me look stupid with this new information, but I just wanted him to talk about his student and leave, so I could continue with the other 40 conferences we needed to conduct.  Well, he did eventually leave.

The reason I personally chose to add reading to my routine today after counseling, was my intention to be more mindful.  I never actually thought about the concept of being mindful.  I so often run on auto-pilot.  The more mindful I am of myself, my surroundings, and the people in my life the more I should see an improvement in my mental health, my over-all physical health and my financial health.  It seems like everyone is mindful, right? Stop what you are doing, look around you, what do you notice?

I sat down intent on writing my daily blog and noticed that just to the right of the bar in our kitchen a stack of neat books.  Books that I have had either given to me or that I have collected from thrift stores with every intention on reading.  I wasn’t being mindful of my urges when I purchased so many books, as when I purchased these books I didn’t really have time to read them.  I mean I might have been able to, but I would have had to sacrifice something else in my life at that time. I need to be more mindful of my spending and why I am making purchases.  What purpose does that item fulfill.

What gives you joy?  What brings you peace?  I have found that I am peaceful outside, more than I am when I am inside.  That I am joyful over a hot cup of coffee (no cream or sugar necessary.)  I am also a person that enjoys spontaneous adventure, or to find time to gain more knowledge.  What is one way to do both of those things without breaking the bank… Reading.  I love to read.  I always have.  It needs to be included in my daily routine.  I love it just as much as writing.

Living life being mindful sounds easy.  Once you consider the time it takes to appreciate all that is around you, it may not seem so easy anymore.  I will try to be more mindful of my activities, my urges and those people with whom I share life with today and from now on.   

The first chapter of the book was great.  I am so glad that I read it today.  I even imagined I could go to an interview with Google.  The work environment sounds incredible.  The first interesting thing that I found while reading is a quote from Nikolay Gogol.  He describes in his story “The Overcoat” the difference between those that fix and those that create.  “The abyss that separates tailors who only put in linings and do repairs from those who sew new things.”  It is a different world for those that create from their imagination (creative mind – creators) and those that only rely on what they have been taught (academic mind- scholars).  I love what Gogol says and also the quote from Einstein.  Creativity can often be overlooked.  I want to be mindful of my creativity.

Have a mindful day, inspect your surroundings.  How does it smell, sound, and feel?

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Oklahoma Education

My goodness, one would think that funding public education fully is a no-brainer.  I have seen so many charts and bits of information floating around on social media that makes this even more crucial now.  More students in schools, causing classrooms to bust at the seams.  More families relying on the school to provide not only academic nourishment but physical nourishment as well because of the increasing poverty of our state. Oklahoma is still ranked alongside 9 other states for having the highest poverty levels in the country.  Check out article here.  Poverty in Oklahoma

Oklahoma teachers acknowledge what a student’s needs are everyday and these needs are not being met.  Teachers are saying they aren’t enough to supplement the student’s learning environment anymore.  They are done waiting for results, they want the need in this state to be seen and felt.  If we do not see the reasons these teachers are standing out in the cold each day as they wait to speak to lawmakers, then you honestly haven’t looked into the problem that has been plaguing our schools for too long.

I am obviously biased as I have been in the classroom for many years, but this is about more than our salary.  It is about the profession and saying to our students that their state cares about them and the promise of a brighter future.  I know that for me this fight is about the role of teacher should not be disrespected, we respect our students, our community and our state by providing more than an education.  We provide care and inspiration to each and every class that walks through our door.  I am ecstatic that teachers will not be ignored this week.  Everyone is watching!  Keep it up your courage and strength are commendable.  I know that our schools were not allowed to walk at the capital except for one day this week.  They are taking the state tests that are required to hold teachers accountable for doing their job.  The tests never match up to the framework we are given to construct our objectives for the year.  I pray for these teachers in my town and all over our state.  I pray for those in other states who are saying that our kids are worth more.  Who do they expect to work at schools with children if not those who truly care.  Step back a moment representatives and find the solution, as there is a problem.  The problem is not that the teachers “are like teenagers asking for a better car” ~ Ok Governor, Mary Fallin. The problem is neglect of taxpayer monies and monies designated for education funding being unaccounted for.

OK Gov. “Teachers are like teenagers…”

I became a teacher for several reasons, and most of my friends became an educator for similar reasons.  I hope that educators can withstand the wait, I know they are patient enough… we have already been waiting for changes for over a decade.

 

 

Stone Flake on A Lake

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I was not in control of my emotions last night. Brad received a bill from his lawyer in the mail. He opened his mail as soon as he stepped inside.  The bill was for our day of mediation. And that day was pretty expensive. Her one day of work is more than I get paid in a month. That part wasn’t the important part. The important part was the anger he was feeling and directing towards me. I wasn’t in physical danger I have never been with him, but I knew some harsh words might be swirled around at any moment. At that moment he was transported in his memory to the days that I had chosen to leave and attempt a new life. I was running from my own pain. Trying to outrun my own lies. The days of deception and selfishness are behind me, why doesn’t he see that.  He was feeling all of what I had done to him and to our children all over again. I hate these reminders, I hate what they do to him emotionally. I felt destroyed last night. He was hurting and angry and needing to feel those emotions and I tried to rush his processing time. Why? Because, I don’t want him to feel these feelings. That was something I did, I don’t want to do it again. I don’t want BPD affecting my decisions.

He hit me with truths last night. He hit me with them so hard that I couldn’t find a reason to justify what I had done. The only thing left for me to do was to accept responsibility. I had to accept this pain. I wanted to run. Where would I go? I wanted to not feel this extreme pain. It flooded my head, my chest… and the only way to get rid of this pain was to cry, ugly cry! Annoying cry, I can’t catch my breath because I’m hyperventilating cry. I was hurting so bad and he said that my wailing and gasping for air was scaring our kids. I tried to stop, I wanted to stop, but my emotions would not do as they were told. After about 2-3 hours my meltdown calmed and we could resume with life. It makes me hate BPD. It makes me hate myself. I really hate hurting the people I love. I don’t like to disappoint.

Stone Flake on A Lake is a meditating skill my counselor gave me. It wasn’t helping yesterday,but it had been effective in the past. You simply imagine a flake of stone hitting the top of the lake, everything in me becomes cooler the atmosphere of my mind calms to see this small flake of stone hitting the top of the lake and then it slowly falls into the water destined to hit the bottom. But the one imagining this decides how many times it will glide back and forth before finding itself on the lake bottom. I like this method, it is calming. I had waited to long to start this coping skill so it was ineffective. As I look back on the order of events I probably should have started that skill as soon as I found out what was in the mail. Prepare myself to receive things with a calm mind and spirit.

Today was a rough day! Not only did I deal with that from about 8-11pm. I watched the teacher walkout throughout the day. The state of our education system is crumbling. It’s crumbling from all sides. The fact that our state officials aren’t taking this seriously is more than disturbing. This bothers me so much, because teachers have been disrespected for far too long in our state. The schools and it’s inhabitants should be valued and respected.

I will write more on that tonight or tomorrow. I need some breakfast.

Boiled Easter eggs to the rescue!

Have a blessed day! Thanks for stopping in to read my story.

Happy Easter!

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The simple joys of childhood. “I found an egg mommy! Oh, There is another one!” My three year old daughter found the prize egg today! She was so proud! My brother had to help her locate it. He hid that egg so well, and I told him that it was going to be way too hard to find. I am the person that was like tossing the eggs on the lawn in plain sight for the younger kids. Apparently he was trying to keep all five kids out there searching for that egg for hours, maybe even days. Lol! It was hidden so well.

Church service was wonderful, my dad came with us. Then Terry and Jessica made a wonderful dinner!!!

Today was a blessed day!

Thank you God!

Easter Eve 2018

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Happy Easter! We have made it to our first holiday since starting my blog. Sadly, this is another big holiday that has been super- commercialized, and the meaning of Easter means buying chocolate bunnies or marshmallow Peeps. I feel that the real reason behind a tradition is seldom taught anymore. I think I will start teaching my kids something before the egg hunt. Hunting for Easter eggs was always my favorite thing. I liked it more than Christmas as a child. I could usually find a few prize eggs, and one year I believe I even found the most eggs of every egg-hunter, which meant a huge prize! I loved it! I love the plastic eggs that break open to reveal a treat or some cash! I love seeking out the egg. Adding it to my basket then running off to find even more lil beauties decorating the front or back of someone’s yard!

The real reason for Easter! What are the traditions we carry out on this day and why.

Attending church… why is attending church important for some followers on Easter Sunday?

Why go to church on Easter?

The resurrection celebrated on Easter Sunday. He arose from the tomb. Who else has ever felt shut inside a tomb, curious of when the rock would be removed. I had a huge boulder blocking the door of my tomb. The only one strong enough to move it was Jesus Christ. I didn’t step out of that tomb perfect, but I did step out of it forgiven and new. Thanks to our Savior, Jesus!

“He was delivered up for our trespasses and raised for our justification.” Romans 4:25

This sentence about trespasses and justification makes me think of real-life relationships and how often we trespass against each other. I could probably find a way in which I am guilty of doing this daily.  With BPD – knowing boundaries is difficult and understanding how to deal with people once you have trespassed and  then guilty of hurting someone whether it be their feelings or their pride or maybe even both the way to repair or mend that is often difficult to find. I had such an instance today. The past came back to bite me. Things that I said, things that I did hurt my husband. I have a hard time showing empathy and so I get upset. I cry and then I say “I’m sorry for not being able to handle this better. I’m sorry for not knowing what to do!” Trespassing is easy. It is done with little to no thought or consideration of anyone but ourselves.  To have trespassed repeatedly against someone and then to have them raise you up with justification- meaning your innocence is justified knowing this is absolutely incredible. We aren’t fully equipped to be that forgiving as humans. but thankfully or Lord and Savior is! It’s almost beyond my ability at this current phase in my life, but He is teaching me to find my weakness and realize that those can be made stronger through Him. Praise Him! I’m thankfully that he is always there for me!

Happy hunting eggs and have a blessed Easter!

 

 

 

Yard sales for days

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I may have a problem! I shop, I shop impulsively. I shop for occasions. I love to shop for myself, and well for anyone that appreciates my “finds.” The only upside is that I mostly shop clearance racks or thrift shops. It’s part of the high. My retail therapy. I’m trying to lay off of this impulse-driven addiction. I’m trying to limit my impulsive acts.

I find that telling myself that I’m saying “yes, to organization” makes it somewhat easier for me to put the clothing item back on the sales rack, no matter how little it costs. I seem to feel the need to give a nice loving home to those gently used items of clothing. I’m like a clothes hero. Ok so maybe I’m not! I can just convince myself that just about any of my actions are good. So instead of saying “Yes to the dress!” I’m going to say “Yes to organization!”

I pulled 7 large garbage bags full of clothes from my closet to sale at my yard sale. I probably still have two large bag fulls left hanging in the closet. I’d say I have been committed to this compulsion for a while.  I am also a little ashamed to admit that I have two yard sales a year and usually donate items to Goodwill once the sale is completed. My retail therapy has gotten a little out of hand I’d say. This yard sale I gave three bags to a family that needed them and was still able to have plenty of items to sell.

BPD will not win. My brother told me to look into VA compensation for this. I’ll do that this week

I am exhausted!

Good night!

 

Waiting Room

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Hard days… yesterday was that for me and I don’t really know why. Some days hit harder than others. I know that I have much to worry about and I think I just got a bit overwhelmed. I’m sitting in the waiting room of my Psychiatrist office and I have been here for 30 minutes. It was full when I got here. Hopefully, I don’t have to wait much longer. It’s not that I’m terribly impatient, I have my dad and Everly waiting in the truck. My dad is my traveling nanny. He would rather come with me then to stay at home with her alone I think.   The reason I come to my psychiatrist is for medicine. I am on Paxil and Effexor… one for depression and one for anxiety. I am also on another medication because my thyroid doesn’t work properly. I feel ok with the meds and I take the lowest possible dosage necessary as I really don’t like taking meds.  I can tell that it does help though. So yesterday I had counseling late in the afternoon and I cried. I haven’t cried in a session in a while. I even said “I don’t even know why I am upset.” It just felt good to cry. There it is again “feelings” doing something because it feels good, with no logical reason behind it. We talked and I did feel better. I told my counselor… “maybe one of these days I will come in here and have nothing to talk about. She said, “ and that’s when we will know it is getting closer to the time that we will be done.” And then the next day happens, right? I feel that I will be able to manage life on my own. I’m still that kid trying to keep my bicycle upright while I put pressure on the pedals. I don’t want to fall. I don’t want to fail, so the hands on my bike keeping me steady feel necessary right now.

I have really been thinking about the reasons I have no friends. I have a few people that I know I could hang out with if I pursued them a bit, but I don’t. I tell myself that this isolation and reclusion is better. Easier. When I have bad days like yesterday I do feel like I need people, and at the same time don’t want the responsibility of handling their issues too. It’s so complicated! Relationships. Friendships. Life!

One day at a time, right?

Ok, I think they should call me in any minute.

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