The post today will cover my thoughts and feelings on being mindful and my mental health self-evaluation. I have found that the self-discovery continues, and as I dive deeper into how I process life, my reactions to situations and people, the more I’m realizing how much Borderline Personality Disorder has continued to create turmoil in my personal and professional life.
I missed my opportunity to post yesterday, and oddly enough I should have posted not just because I want to write everyday… but, I want my Thursday posts to be about being mindful. So I did live my life yesterday with intention. I had counseling, so my entire day was focused on being mindful. I spent most of my day being present with my daughter. We went to the library after dropping big brother off at school, we both found a couple of books and she enjoyed playing with the nice Lego table they have for the little people. I watched her enjoy building and creating new things. She built a beach that had an alligator and Lego people. She said, “This was so much fun, mom!” It was fun to watch my little girl analyze all of the little pieces available to her and what she would do with each piece while creatively building this beach. She is so imaginative. I don’t remember using my imagination half as much as she does. I am so blessed to be her mommy.
Counseling went very well. We went over the “How” on being more mindful. My counselor had one of the books I was looking for at the library. They didn’t have it, so I felt blessed to be able to borrow one of the books that the kids’ counselor had suggested. The book is called “One Minute Mindfulness” by Donald Altman. I will start reading that wonderful piece of literature after I finish the book that I just checked out from the library. The one I am currently reading is called “Choose The Life You Want.” by Tal Ben-Shahar. I have already finished 7 chapters, and really like it. Chapter 7, is called Procrastination. Who is guilty of this? Most everyone, right? The author says to use a helpful technique called “The Five-Minute Takeoff.” I can see how this method would be helpful. The objective here is to just dive into that project or chore that you need to accomplish for five minutes. Once you do this for five minutes you are at a better place than you were before, because now you are actually doing something productive and not procrastinating, but acting. I am about to use this technique to paint some walls in the living room. I bought the can of paint several weeks ago… and yes I wanted to paint right away, but I had too many other things that stopped me. I did what I normally do, I complied to my feelings to just procrastinate. I feel that I am always waiting for the perfect time to paint. Folks the truth is this – Perfect timing doesn’t exist.
Self-evaluation. I feel more aware, and less on autopilot. I have been living so much like a zombie and never realizing why (minus the eating and craving brains part). My past included an established a routine, something easy and comfortable. I could easily set my destination on Michelle’s Map as “just get through the day.” (like a google map, but more accurate). I have literally coasted through a full day before on numerous occasions. I have had moments throughout those days where I would kind of catch myself realizing that I was just going through the motions, and I would say to myself… “this is so easy, I am doing things and not even thinking about them.” WTH? Why do I do this? I love being present and intentional so much more. It really does awaken our spirit. When we take time to pay attention and be present. It is more about experiencing the things around me, the things that make up my world right now. Appreciating the small and delicate details of the people and experiences we are blessed to share. I am learning that this is truly one of the biggest blessings in life. Our ability to experience, to see, hear, speak, touch, feel, taste. I am so very rich to be given these things. I will not take these great blessings for granted ever again. Life is a wonderful thing, you just have to be mindful of all of those wonderful things it consists of.
Be intentional today and as you listen today pay attention to the message, as you talk today be true to your heart and mind, as you feel notice the texture and temperature, as you inhale notice the natural aroma of your home or the environment. As you take notice of the things around you, look at it with the amazement, like that of a child, that is seeing it for the first time. Life is really amazing, and being mindful of that really can change your mood.
noun: idea; plural noun: ideas; noun: the idea
1. a thought or suggestion as to a possible course of action.
“they don’t think it’s a very good idea”
2. the aim or purpose.
“I took a job with the idea of getting some money together”
After careful consideration of this definition, I feel that ideas can not be either good nor bad. Everyone has the right to free thinking, so ideas should not be black or white. What I mean by this, is that ideas are “innocent until proven guilty.” The only way to know an idea is good or bad is once it has transformed into an action. We all know that a person may choose to ride a motorcycle without a helmet, but riding a motorcycle with a helmet is a much safer way to travel. We protect our bodies and the physical attributes so much better than we give the mother of all ideas, our mind. I am free to have an idea that enjoying a slice of delicious & moist chocolate cake everyday after every meal, for a week, would be awesome. However, I would not like the consequence or actions that came from my idea. The possibility of being sick, gaining dreadful weight from this wonderful idea. If I consider the consequences of turning these thoughts into actions I have mindfully made a decision. I have made a decision on whether or not to give that idea anymore of my energy or to just toss it as waste.
I don’t know about the rest of the world, but I feel like I generate over a million ideas a day. I have really good intentions with most of my ideas, and others are just random day dreams. For instance, right now, instead of writing my blog I think that maybe I should be folding and putting away laundry. That my closet needs a good cleaning, again. That I should run to the store and pick up something healthy for the kids and I to have for lunch. I am also thinking about that piece of cake I described earlier. That last bit was obviously an example of my random day dream. Another idea that constitutes as a random day dream, is this book idea that came to me for a trilogy. This idea was actually inspired by just one word. Amazing, isn’t it? The multi-tasking abilities of the mind.
I know that there are people that can come up with some hairbrain (funny imagery, but what does that even mean? I looked it up it means silly or ineffective) ideas, and ideas that seem impossible and sadly, ideas that are deadly. The safest form of an idea is obviously when it remains in the womb of our mind, resting perfectly content as it awaits it’s turn on the conveyor belt to be judged as garbage, or sent to the place they transform into actions. It’s birthplace, everyone of us become parents to these random things that are generated spontaneously. It is our job to see that those that could survive our harsh conditions go on to live long lives. It is also our job to eliminate those that do not help, but bring pain and more chaos. It is up to us, we decide what our own world will produce actions. Those with a mental illness this battle can sometimes be overwhelming and what the rest of society needs to remember is you are fighting these harmful and dangerous thoughts with one hand tied behind your back and then there are other people that are equipped with semi-automatic weapons to demolish the negative ideas. This delivery ward that we all frequent has many levels and there are some folks fighting the most dangerous thoughts daily with no help and no way to win. That’s why I write to tell each person they can win. They may be having some difficulty with thwarting the negative ideas, but you are not alone. I also know that all of this is easier said than done. Just remember we decided which of our random ideas are selected to become actions and we decide how these ideas should be nourished, and the amount of energy each idea might require so that it can either become, great, ridiculous or dangerous. You are in control.
This is some amazing personal insight (if I do say so myself, and I believe I just did!) This is coming from someone with a less than perfect reputation on how to react properly to situations. This doesn’t happen because I enjoy impersonating a lunatic at times. The “sorter” from the birthplace of my emotions, is broken. I am able to have healthy emotions, sometimes too healthy and then I don’t know where to put them or how to nourish or calm them. I have been trying harder each day to identify my emotions, and then try to consider those that are imagined or way out of line… those are the ones to obliterate, and I can still have emotions that actually need some attention. On a more controlled level. If you are anything like me, you know that a person with BPD can take a two-word response during an argument, like, “I’m done.” to mean “he wants to leave me forever.” (ah! This dreaded fear of abandonment!) I have to look at my body, my mind, my heart as a machine that is in need of repair. It has every capability to work efficiently. The mental illness is not going to beat me. I can work hard to strengthen my weak areas. I feel today has been a great day for emotional and cognitive progress.
Thanks for stopping by!
Writing poetry, is one of my things. I have always written my feelings down in times of extreme emotions. Not words of romantic love, but emotional expression none the less. I would turn to writing to see these almost unexplainable emotions written in black and white. It was somehow comforting to see that choices I had made or in the process of making were not just in my head. This made me feel like their may be others that share my way of thinking, my way of making impulsive decisions. If I was smart enough to express how I was feeling on paper, there was nothing wrong with my mind or my behavior. I convinced myself that it was just my uniqueness or being more creative than others. I have made some horrible decisions in my life. Primarily those made on impulse. Lucky for you I will not share all of my poems here. Some will always remain in the darkness of a closed notebook or incomplete journal that lives on a nearly forgotten shelf in my attic. I only open up and share now as an act of rehabilitating myself. In hopes of finding myself, and finding others that deal or have dealt with the emotions I have. Sunday will be set aside for poetry. If you have read most of my other entries, you may have noticed that I am now finding meaning for each day of my blog. It really is turning into a full time job. Thanks for stopping by and I hope the words you are about to read, simply help.
A Mysterious Drink
When my pain began, I took a drink from a mysterious cup
It directed my sight away from yours, I only took a moment to look up
Only now realizing that this world that I chose was upside down
The thing that adorns my face was no smile, but a frown.
This cup of mystery, holds an enticing drink
It allows one to obey their feel, disobey their think
A familiar taste, yet still such an exotic blend
This euphoric revelation, explodes to no end
Do what feels good, not what makes sense
The rest of the world missing out on this “bliss”
Logic, missing from this mysterious cocktail
One sip from this cup, and the mind is now frail.
The mind, has now become a playground to erosion
Your own chemicals directing torture & a self-afflicted poison.
I am seriously ignorant to any other type of place
I have locked myself inside, with no clear chance of escape.
I invited you into my world before I really knew
Just how much I differ from you
The place where I have lived, is only made of black and white
Absent of anything that isn’t plain-wrong or just-right
Where is this gray world, you sit here and describe?
It sounds so normal, so boring, lacking so many of my kind
This word you just taught me, defining, CONSEQUENCE
A harsher word, in either world, has never been in existence
You say the drink in my cup, has such a deceiving taste…
At first causing this remarkable craving,
Then such remarkable waste.
Binge drinking this mixture, both still so unaware
No worries, and no real reason to be scared
For a moment, we both abandon all feelings of fear
The view of our future, well we both see it clear
Nothing can hurt us, as we walk on the clouds
Close only to each other, set apart from the crowds
I can’t believe we are here, I have dreamt of this day
Finding this person that shows me, he will stay longer than stay.
Addicted now, my blend of this deceptive drink,
You swallow all, leaving no time to think.
The moment you tell me that you are all mine.
I turn away, this is taking too much of my time
The truth is… If I would have stayed any longer, here lies my heart.
You should know by now, I am an expert at keeping all things apart
You begged me to be more like those who live in this gray world of yours
You and all your grays are clueless of the heartache impulsive actions can cure.
The memory of your taste
Is more than I can take, so I push it further away
I can barely see you now, our feet no longer touching the clouds
I have self-destructed, while declaring a war on our lives somehow
It isn’t right I know, I have been sick and my patterns exposed
The lies, the masks, this game of trickery, so well-composed
It wasn’t you, I know now, that it was all me
Actually, This mysterious flavor you crave, is one called, BPD
The bitter taste, a detectable defect in this exotic blend
For those who have had their fill of it, again and again.
Stay far from my path, those thirsty just for fun
A small sip from my cup = darkness has won.
This poisonous drink even known to be fatal
And harmful to all, especially those mentally unstable
There they are, those of whom, I am closely akin
yet this taste, tastes too close to pretend.
Can I be present in this real world of gray
A foreigner, a tourist, just hoping to find my way.
I am being mindful now of my actions, impulses and words
Stepping into a world that isn’t black nor white, all is mostly blurred
I am asking my savior now, to sip from a completely different cup
He says he is standing beside me, and there’s no way he will ever give up
This message is here for those that I have known, hurt and loved
For I am truly sorry, I am just learning of this drink from above
This old taste may remain bitter on your tongues, it may even stain your soul
I have found the only way to relieve the bitterness, honestly, is to just let it go!
This was written for those who speak, as I speak
To remember your strength and forget where you’re weak
He loves you this second, this minute, on this very day!
You will always be remembered in my prayers, when I pray!
Debt, oh how it can envelope us. Drowning, is the term you may often hear used with the word debt. As everyone that has ever said those words, “I am drowning in debt!” really need help. How does one go from the life of credit cards, and fake freedom to a life using cash and actual financial freedom.
I of course am no expert in financial freedom, although someday I hope to be. Why listen to me? Umm… I am starting the journey to become debt free. Learn from my mistakes. That way more people, especially young people don’t make the same mistakes that I did.
As I take this first step towards this debt freedom, I realize I am about to work my way towards the most difficult journey of my life, almost like physically climbing to the top of Mt. Everest. Not many people reach the top of Mt. Everest (approximately 4,000 people) over 200 people have died, here is the list of those that lost their lives to the climb trying to reach the top of this 29,000 ft. peak. I was actually surprised to find out that over 4,000 people have successfully reached the top of this ginormous mountain. These climbers are proof that it isn’t exactly impossible, but that this is also an event that not everyone will be excited to sign up for. Talk about discipline and a little bit of insanity to sign up for this. And similarly, most people never realize the mountain of debt they have been building in their lifetime, and just where to gain the experience and wisdom needed to become an advanced climber to reach the peak of this mountain and claim it as their bitch. How do we do this? More importantly, how do I do this? 🙂
How severe is debt in the United States? This is not a place of mystery for most. I just googled it and those that are reliant upon credit to survive is at 40% according to “TIME”, and of course this percentage goes up to 45% when the income decreases below a $50K yearly salary. I don’t make $50K. I am not happy about being with 45 % of the population that relies on plastic to make it. plastic and the numbers that rely on it for everyday purchases
I know the struggle, and it appears that 45% of people making a similar salary or sadly, below the amount I make, understand this struggle too.
My first step this week has obviously been to find a way to manage the debt I have incurred over my lifespan. I want to do this on my own, so I only want to manage this solely on my income. I have recently reached out to a debt relief program. Freedom Debt Relief Website I know one thing is certain they do not consolidate or pay off student loan debt. This makes me sad. 50 % of my debt or more is student loan debt. This debt sadly stays with you until the grave and somehow I have heard that it can follow you there too.
Second step, realize my problems with credit card usage, and use methods of budgeting and only make purchases with cash. Do not touch allotted savings each month.
I also need something to invest in. Any suggestions?
My #selfhelpsaturday for April 7th, 2018 is about finances and being debt free. Hopefully in a year from now we can see some progress. Day 1, and step 1 of several.
HELP YOURSELF TO THESE LINKS!
Leslie Jamison reveals the role lying has played in her life.
My “Thank God it is Friday!” Face…
Looking inside yourself, truly searching for who you are… then trying to describe yourself to others should be a skill that is perfected at my age. I will be turning 36 in less than two weeks. I should be pretty good at this by now. Name any person I should know better than myself. I am drawing a blank, but honestly forcing myself to evaluate my thoughts and my current progress is a bit mind-boggling right now as well.
I told myself that I would start being more mindful, and what better place to start than being mindful of who I am and who I am becoming daily. I can honestly say for me and many others that this task of truly inspecting yourself without bias is one of the most difficult things to do. It is easy to make excuses and to draw sympathy from others with these self-proclaimed excuses. I don’t want sympathy, sometimes I feel like I want sympathy. I really don’t. I want to be healed of this disorder. My husband reminds me that people with this disorder can go through many years of intense counseling and still struggle with it. This is a disorder that I was genetically predisposed to have when combined with a traumatic event or loss of a caregiver. I can only really do this when I am honest about my mental growth and what still worries me. True communication about what ails me and confronting these feelings and thoughts before they result in action will be my focus.
I can easily poke fun at myself, and talk down about myself for the sake of a joke, but true and honest talk about what is going on inside is very difficult. I will now at this very moment designate my Friday blogs to be only about my mental health. and what things are polluting my feelings about myself or my life while dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder.
I have had some ok days this past week. I have also had some very down days. I have a love/hate relationship with the days where I have something planned. For instance, having an appointment at 11:45… and only wanting to read, or finish the last bit of an episode I found on Netflix can be bothersome. I must tell myself in those moments. “No, you can’t cancel your appointment to stay home.” I have to tell myself “You need this appointment more than you need to watch the rest of this show. Hit the pause button, Michelle.” I must tell you, the most difficult thing I am really discovering is controlling the urges to fall back into old habits. Thankfully, I am not talking about finding someone to rescue me from my old prison. I really feel that I have been able to stay focused on my family and mindful of the sacrifices and heartache they have already been through because of my lack of restraint, and I do not want to walk down that road ever again. The urges that I am talking of that take me back to familiar ground are my urges to online shop or stop at a thrift store to seek out that bargain that gives me a good feeling, that momentary high. I know that sounds a bit ridiculous. I am and have been struggling to stop my online “window” shopping. The kind of shopping that says, ” I will only buy something if I can’t live without it.” Then moments later you have a cartful of items, and you are telling yourself… “Just keep it under a $100 sister, you deserve it.” Seriously, this inability to control my thoughts and feelings about finding a good deal and my impulse to purchase things on sale not based on whether I need it or not has really put a strain on my financial situation. I am trying my best to be honest with myself about where I want to be in five years, and living paycheck to paycheck is not where I want to be. I have a stinking Master’s degree for goodness sake, and military experience. Why in the world am I drowning in debt. I need to improve the hold I have over my reigns on shopping urges. I understand that I can live without the momentary high for the over-all improvement of my financial situation, and to find myself in a better place when my children are adults. I am not just working on myself for me. Who I am and who I am becoming affect all those that I love.
(Above Picture) is a great example of where I was. I looked to shopping as “retail therapy.” This is the most expensive and pointless therapy ever. Do not fall victim to its alluring elements. It will only lead you to feel worse in the end. It is a feeling very close to disappointment. Oh, wait! No, that’s the feeling. DISAPPOINTMENT.
Today, I am feeling very good about the things I have done recently to declutter my life. I have done this for my kids as well. Even though my youngest still has entirely too many stuffed animals and well, toys in general. It feels good to understand what has been weighing me down in this particular part of my life and to consistently be present-minded at detaching from it’s powerful hold over me. I do not want to be controlled by urges and these momentary & fleeting “good” feelings. I am smarter than BPD. I am stronger than BPD.
Have a blessed day.
TGIF, celebrate the small victories too. We made it another week. Praise the GOOD LORD!