Hard days… yesterday was that for me and I don’t really know why. Some days hit harder than others. I know that I have much to worry about and I think I just got a bit overwhelmed. I’m sitting in the waiting room of my Psychiatrist office and I have been here for 30 minutes. It was full when I got here. Hopefully, I don’t have to wait much longer. It’s not that I’m terribly impatient, I have my dad and Everly waiting in the truck. My dad is my traveling nanny. He would rather come with me then to stay at home with her alone I think. The reason I come to my psychiatrist is for medicine. I am on Paxil and Effexor… one for depression and one for anxiety. I am also on another medication because my thyroid doesn’t work properly. I feel ok with the meds and I take the lowest possible dosage necessary as I really don’t like taking meds. I can tell that it does help though. So yesterday I had counseling late in the afternoon and I cried. I haven’t cried in a session in a while. I even said “I don’t even know why I am upset.” It just felt good to cry. There it is again “feelings” doing something because it feels good, with no logical reason behind it. We talked and I did feel better. I told my counselor… “maybe one of these days I will come in here and have nothing to talk about. She said, “ and that’s when we will know it is getting closer to the time that we will be done.” And then the next day happens, right? I feel that I will be able to manage life on my own. I’m still that kid trying to keep my bicycle upright while I put pressure on the pedals. I don’t want to fall. I don’t want to fail, so the hands on my bike keeping me steady feel necessary right now.
I have really been thinking about the reasons I have no friends. I have a few people that I know I could hang out with if I pursued them a bit, but I don’t. I tell myself that this isolation and reclusion is better. Easier. When I have bad days like yesterday I do feel like I need people, and at the same time don’t want the responsibility of handling their issues too. It’s so complicated! Relationships. Friendships. Life!
One day at a time, right?
Ok, I think they should call me in any minute.
I will weed out the things that are just cluttering up my life. I am getting there. I know that life is something we manage, and believe it or not we decide what takes up our precious time, our limited energy, and our never-ending worry. I want the things in my life to be worthy of my time, my energy and my thoughts and concerns. I have inadvertently weeded out people from my life with past thoughts and actions. I have very few people in my life now. I am coming to terms with that. Most of the time I appreciate my solace a great deal. There is peace with knowing that I don’t have to divide my precious time with people that may not be worthy of it. I am sure that my family enjoys the time I choose to give them everyday. It makes me happy to give my time, energy, and worries to my family.
De-cluttering doesn’t stop with the people I choose to give parts of myself to. I have gone through my closet, and let me tell you, that needed to happen. I had already searched through this thing once before since I have moved back in to my home a few months ago and it didn’t look like I had taken anything from it. The two closet rods that held my clothes, were about 6 ft in length, and had no bare spots. Today, I am proud to tell you that I have made significant progress. I know that one of the things that I do as a person with BPD is impulse buy. I have a few moments where this impulse buying has gone unnoticed, because I was unaware of my disorder. I am well aware of my impulses now, but have noticed that my control over these impulses need some work. The first that I noticed this since being back home was at the furniture store. My husband sent me to the store to purchase a dresser. I needed a place to put my clothes. I found what I wanted and a few other items. I found a picture, a bench and the dresser. I text him to let him know and he said, “You don’t need the other things.” How do you think I felt after hearing that? I didn’t feel good. I wanted these things. I “felt” I needed them. These things made me “feel good.” I know now that I don’t need things to feel good. This is definitely my choice. I want my brain to work with logic, not by feelings.
Found these excerpts from an online source: https://www.letserasethestigma.com/bpd/
Yeah, and when I had the flu a couple of months ago, I simply willed it away. [/sarcasm] The truth is, BPD is a serious medical condition which affects the brain. You know that part of your brain that helps you regulate your emotions? (It’s located in the front of your brain.) Well, for people with BPD, that part of the brain doesn’t work as well as everyone else’s. Marsha Linehan compares people with BPD to third-degree burn victims, saying that every touch is something they feel immensely. I don’t personally like comparing mental health conditions to physical ones, but nonetheless.
More often than not, the opposite is true. A lot of the pain and anxiety someone with BPD feels stems from insecurities they have about how they affect the people around them. People with BPD tend to assume they are burdens and constantly worry they are making people unhappy, which upsets them and can trigger an episode. If anything, people with BPD care too much.)
I have always felt like my heart was bigger than my brain. I love too much and think so little. Who knew that this was a disorder. I hope my insights and my own personal journey can be here to help others.
Today we moved little rock, medium rock, and some landscape bricks. We are redoing the back patio and doing what we can to revive our backyard, we also plan on selling what we no longer need in order to raise the money for our state taxes this year. It is pretty crazy that we owe the state so much money after shopping as much as we do, and after knowing the amount we pay out of our paychecks. I like the idea of getting rid of the things we don’t need to pay off this debt. So far we have raised $310. I’d say it is a win-win. Living in a cleaner and a more beautiful place while also raising the money to pay for our taxes.
My husband and I do make a great team on projects. It is like we both move in unison as we are focused on a single purpose. We clean the inside of the house all the time. Although, I feel like our team-work is more easily seen when we work outside. The evidence of our work is more obvious, not just from our sweat and blistered hands. It is shown in a beautiful finished product. Today we managed to move rocks and place them around our two-tier raised beds that surround our storm shelter. We are also moving the rocks away from our back deck that is in between our house and detached theater room, so that we can start the beginning stages of connecting the house to the theater room by Fall of next year.
I was up early this morning and made healthy waffles and a batch of pancakes for the kids. The waffles were delicious, the batch of pancakes could have used a bit of help I guess, since the kids didn’t finish them and even said they didn’t like them. I guess I will have to try harder next time. 🙂
I was able to watch my show “Mindhunter” while working away in the kitchen. I did the dishes, and cooked. It was a good morning and finished 2 cups of coffee and was unable to finish my waffles because I became full pretty quick.
I cleaned up the cabinet and the utensil drawer and pulled out the items for the yard sale and organized the things we are keeping. I like the idea of being organized and only keeping what we need so much more than living in a home in constant disarray. I know that simplifying will be a wonderful thing for us.
I also decided today that I will start keeping a good schedule for my kids to follow each day. I know they will function better with some set boundaries and I also want to assign chores and let them earn allowance every month. These are things I have always wanted just never followed through with for some reason.
I am excited that tomorrow I get to go to town with my hubby so he can meet with a director about possible drone work he will be doing for a movie. We will get to eat lunch after and I am thankful for the couple time. we have been doing lots of family time and while I see both as important. It will be a great day tomorrow. Today was a wonderful day. I love my family and my life. I am working everyday to show them how much they mean to me.
Yesterday my Aunt, aka my moms sister sent me a text message, basically saying that I need to include my mom in my life. The crazy thing is, I have only asked my mom to be patient and to work on positive ways to be there for me. She needs to know that she was too involved in my affair and supporting my affair and divorce from my husband for everything to just go back to being hunky-dory. I could tell that my mom had been playing the victim for my aunt so I said just that and told her what my diagnosis was and that I was seeking help. I told her that I also feared that my mom has been dealing with this same mental disorder and has been unwilling to seek professional help in order to see how this changes us. How we can make huge decisions purely based on how we feel in that moment. I hope she hasn’t given up on herself and that someday she will also seek help.
I don’t know why I think I have a right to just expect perfection from everyone around me. That they have no problem meeting my expectations. I don’t ask for much, just respect and a little adoration. I don’t even expect that from everyone, just those closest to me. Ugh! I hate comparing myself to other females. I feel like I can always find something that they have that I don’t.
For instance, a girl that my husband actually talked to and also added to his contact list, with a tagline of “AWESOME” in the place it says to type the company they work. She doesn’t work at “AWESOME” This all happened while I was gone on my 3 month hiatus. The meeting her and the adding to the contact list, and she had to write to him last night. It wasn’t anything inappropriate. She said something like “Hey! How are you?” and he wrote back “I am good, just playing music. How are you?” She says, “I am good, just out and about.” That was it. She wrote, he replied, and she sent one last message. I saw it as her casting a line, to see if he would bite. I still think I am right about this. We will see if anything comes through today.
Why did he not mention me? Why didn’t he tell her, “You should probably take me off your radar, because my wife and I are working things out.” Ugh I am still so angry. Jealous? Maybe! She has her job still, no kids, she is pretty and her body type is what he looks for. Ugh! Just tell her you are with me! Tell someone that you are with me. I want to hear you say to someone “I love my wife, she is trying, she is dealing with something that is very hard to beat.”
I don’t want to be like this. Why do I have to go into this rage that happens internally. It literally makes me want to explode. It happens over dumb shit. Almost every time something small like this happens. I can actually feel it all over my body. The rush of adrenaline. I just sit there when it happens. I want the feeling to stop, but it is happening beyond my control. Why does my brain function like this? Why? I will tell you why, just as soon as I understand it. Unfortunately, I found the reason why. Read this article in the link I am adding. You will see, but possibly not fully understand the seriousness of Borderline Personality Disorder. God help me!
March 1, 2018
It’s crazy to think that my husband and I could have been living and dealing with an opposite outcome right at this very moment, because I wasn’t strong enough to dish out the truth. I had been lying to myself about almost everything. I told myself that I didn’t deserve my husband. That I wasn’t good enough to be a part of a family. I told myself that the only way to survive this chaotic situation was to just run. I think at this point I had split myself. I hate the word splitting, it really does make me think of two-face from Batman. Nothing against Tommy Lee Jones, but I would love to think that I have a little more depth and understanding than a character that must flip a coin to decide what to do. Honestly, it is almost like that. You search yourself for some answer, and the reason the right decision is so hard to find is because it is completely swallowed up by the immense deception you have created around you. I have been a liar. I was a liar. I do not want to be a liar. I will abide in the truth. I want to live in the truth. I am strong enough to handle the truth.
One of the biggest lies I have had to seriously consider is that with my behavior and speech around others. I try to read the person, mirror the person, give them what they are telling and showing me that they want. So basically every time I would meet someone new… I had more deception to create, a new mask. I think I understand now why I literally despise meeting new people or being with a lot of new people I don’t know. I can feel overwhelming anxiety, and just lie to myself and say “I am fine and everything will be ok.” Which it is absolutely exhausting to be what you believe everyone wants you to be. I feel that might be why I tend to over-act at parties, I feel it is my job to make sure everyone has a good time, but impossible for me to wear so many masks at once. I noticed that I chose to hide away at some of our final shin digs before all of my extracurricular activities had been discovered, I was drowning in deceit and I believed there was no way out.
John 8:32 – Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. I have recently started back to church and speaking with the only friend I have been unable to lie to, Jesus. I have been taught since my first experience in church that “God knows everything!” It was a little bit of a relief to think that I wouldn’t have to be something I wasn’t for this friend. He already knows every single act and every word that has escaped my lips, even every thought before I have it. This disturbed me and relieved me at the same time. I was initially just wanting His forgiveness, and then the more I prayed, the more truth came out. I felt that little by little I started to find myself again. I think I need to start treating every relationship like I treat my relationship with Jesus. Isn’t that a crazy thought, for a BPD to quit lying altogether because everyone already knows their actions, thoughts, and sins. This would be much easier to do if I believed people had the same grace and mercy like that of what we receive from Jesus. I have seen it from very few people in my life since my eruption of BPD chaos. Although I am full of gratitude to have anyone show me grace and mercy at this point. My husband, my rock and truly the love of my life has been hurt the most. I left him confused, scared, and unable to live in the town he grew up. I hate that I hurt him so much. I hope in time he can see who I am with clarity and know that he is mine, and I am his without any question. I crave that. I am anxious for that. I must be patient, allow him to heal and understand what all I have destroyed and how long it will take to make all needed repairs and restoration.
My son, my first-born… the bundle of joy that was delivered to us early March, 2008 will be celebrating his 10th birthday this year. I am so proud of who this young man is becoming. He will be a great man and although I know the lessons I have had to learn the hard way aren’t just sitting there as a cheat sheet for him, so that he can get passed the hard times. He will have a mom there that knows the struggle. I had to invite friends to my son’s birthday party. which will be in a week. We planned to take the boys to an RV Park for a night, and let them have a blast camping out and then waking up and spending time at the Trampoline Park. I was devastated to learn for the second time that a friend of Elliott’s was not going to be allowed to stay the night with Elliott because of mistakes I had made. A nice christian family. Leaders of a church. I can understand having reservations, but talk to me. I would never harm a child, ever. This was devastating for me, not because I was news to our town and all of my troubles were the hot topic, but that it seeps into the lives of those I love the most. I am sorry my son. I never meant to be a disgusting example of a parent. I will do right by you and your sister. I am so very sorry. The positive here… is that we still have people in our lives that will allow their kids to hang out with our boy, so hopefully they all have a great time and this birthday can go down in the history books as one of the best birthday parties ever. I know I can be a bit extreme. It is all or nothing for a person living with BPD. I plan to give it my all.
I start tomorrow at an outpatient facility, my initial assessment for their outpatient program. I will be honest, and seek help. I am sick and tired of being a person with the inability to just be myself.
“Be like a tree and grow no matter what may stand in your way!” ~Michelle
I had to reschedule the interview, in order for insurance to cover your program you have to be ready to commit to it within three days of initial interview. I wasn’t ready, because we had already planned a Spring Break family vacation.
Thanks for joining me!
The world as it is seen and mostly felt from one person with Borderline Personality Disorder. It may not all be right, but I can guarantee it is all either black or white, and I am doing my best to find & appreciate the gray in life.