noun: idea; plural noun: ideas; noun: the idea
1. a thought or suggestion as to a possible course of action.
“they don’t think it’s a very good idea”
2. the aim or purpose.
“I took a job with the idea of getting some money together”
After careful consideration of this definition, I feel that ideas can not be either good nor bad. Everyone has the right to free thinking, so ideas should not be black or white. What I mean by this, is that ideas are “innocent until proven guilty.” The only way to know an idea is good or bad is once it has transformed into an action. We all know that a person may choose to ride a motorcycle without a helmet, but riding a motorcycle with a helmet is a much safer way to travel. We protect our bodies and the physical attributes so much better than we give the mother of all ideas, our mind. I am free to have an idea that enjoying a slice of delicious & moist chocolate cake everyday after every meal, for a week, would be awesome. However, I would not like the consequence or actions that came from my idea. The possibility of being sick, gaining dreadful weight from this wonderful idea. If I consider the consequences of turning these thoughts into actions I have mindfully made a decision. I have made a decision on whether or not to give that idea anymore of my energy or to just toss it as waste.
I don’t know about the rest of the world, but I feel like I generate over a million ideas a day. I have really good intentions with most of my ideas, and others are just random day dreams. For instance, right now, instead of writing my blog I think that maybe I should be folding and putting away laundry. That my closet needs a good cleaning, again. That I should run to the store and pick up something healthy for the kids and I to have for lunch. I am also thinking about that piece of cake I described earlier. That last bit was obviously an example of my random day dream. Another idea that constitutes as a random day dream, is this book idea that came to me for a trilogy. This idea was actually inspired by just one word. Amazing, isn’t it? The multi-tasking abilities of the mind.
I know that there are people that can come up with some hairbrain (funny imagery, but what does that even mean? I looked it up it means silly or ineffective) ideas, and ideas that seem impossible and sadly, ideas that are deadly. The safest form of an idea is obviously when it remains in the womb of our mind, resting perfectly content as it awaits it’s turn on the conveyor belt to be judged as garbage, or sent to the place they transform into actions. It’s birthplace, everyone of us become parents to these random things that are generated spontaneously. It is our job to see that those that could survive our harsh conditions go on to live long lives. It is also our job to eliminate those that do not help, but bring pain and more chaos. It is up to us, we decide what our own world will produce actions. Those with a mental illness this battle can sometimes be overwhelming and what the rest of society needs to remember is you are fighting these harmful and dangerous thoughts with one hand tied behind your back and then there are other people that are equipped with semi-automatic weapons to demolish the negative ideas. This delivery ward that we all frequent has many levels and there are some folks fighting the most dangerous thoughts daily with no help and no way to win. That’s why I write to tell each person they can win. They may be having some difficulty with thwarting the negative ideas, but you are not alone. I also know that all of this is easier said than done. Just remember we decided which of our random ideas are selected to become actions and we decide how these ideas should be nourished, and the amount of energy each idea might require so that it can either become, great, ridiculous or dangerous. You are in control.
This is some amazing personal insight (if I do say so myself, and I believe I just did!) This is coming from someone with a less than perfect reputation on how to react properly to situations. This doesn’t happen because I enjoy impersonating a lunatic at times. The “sorter” from the birthplace of my emotions, is broken. I am able to have healthy emotions, sometimes too healthy and then I don’t know where to put them or how to nourish or calm them. I have been trying harder each day to identify my emotions, and then try to consider those that are imagined or way out of line… those are the ones to obliterate, and I can still have emotions that actually need some attention. On a more controlled level. If you are anything like me, you know that a person with BPD can take a two-word response during an argument, like, “I’m done.” to mean “he wants to leave me forever.” (ah! This dreaded fear of abandonment!) I have to look at my body, my mind, my heart as a machine that is in need of repair. It has every capability to work efficiently. The mental illness is not going to beat me. I can work hard to strengthen my weak areas. I feel today has been a great day for emotional and cognitive progress.
Thanks for stopping by!
Writing poetry, is one of my things. I have always written my feelings down in times of extreme emotions. Not words of romantic love, but emotional expression none the less. I would turn to writing to see these almost unexplainable emotions written in black and white. It was somehow comforting to see that choices I had made or in the process of making were not just in my head. This made me feel like their may be others that share my way of thinking, my way of making impulsive decisions. If I was smart enough to express how I was feeling on paper, there was nothing wrong with my mind or my behavior. I convinced myself that it was just my uniqueness or being more creative than others. I have made some horrible decisions in my life. Primarily those made on impulse. Lucky for you I will not share all of my poems here. Some will always remain in the darkness of a closed notebook or incomplete journal that lives on a nearly forgotten shelf in my attic. I only open up and share now as an act of rehabilitating myself. In hopes of finding myself, and finding others that deal or have dealt with the emotions I have. Sunday will be set aside for poetry. If you have read most of my other entries, you may have noticed that I am now finding meaning for each day of my blog. It really is turning into a full time job. Thanks for stopping by and I hope the words you are about to read, simply help.
A Mysterious Drink
When my pain began, I took a drink from a mysterious cup
It directed my sight away from yours, I only took a moment to look up
Only now realizing that this world that I chose was upside down
The thing that adorns my face was no smile, but a frown.
This cup of mystery, holds an enticing drink
It allows one to obey their feel, disobey their think
A familiar taste, yet still such an exotic blend
This euphoric revelation, explodes to no end
Do what feels good, not what makes sense
The rest of the world missing out on this “bliss”
Logic, missing from this mysterious cocktail
One sip from this cup, and the mind is now frail.
The mind, has now become a playground to erosion
Your own chemicals directing torture & a self-afflicted poison.
I am seriously ignorant to any other type of place
I have locked myself inside, with no clear chance of escape.
I invited you into my world before I really knew
Just how much I differ from you
The place where I have lived, is only made of black and white
Absent of anything that isn’t plain-wrong or just-right
Where is this gray world, you sit here and describe?
It sounds so normal, so boring, lacking so many of my kind
This word you just taught me, defining, CONSEQUENCE
A harsher word, in either world, has never been in existence
You say the drink in my cup, has such a deceiving taste…
At first causing this remarkable craving,
Then such remarkable waste.
Binge drinking this mixture, both still so unaware
No worries, and no real reason to be scared
For a moment, we both abandon all feelings of fear
The view of our future, well we both see it clear
Nothing can hurt us, as we walk on the clouds
Close only to each other, set apart from the crowds
I can’t believe we are here, I have dreamt of this day
Finding this person that shows me, he will stay longer than stay.
Addicted now, my blend of this deceptive drink,
You swallow all, leaving no time to think.
The moment you tell me that you are all mine.
I turn away, this is taking too much of my time
The truth is… If I would have stayed any longer, here lies my heart.
You should know by now, I am an expert at keeping all things apart
You begged me to be more like those who live in this gray world of yours
You and all your grays are clueless of the heartache impulsive actions can cure.
The memory of your taste
Is more than I can take, so I push it further away
I can barely see you now, our feet no longer touching the clouds
I have self-destructed, while declaring a war on our lives somehow
It isn’t right I know, I have been sick and my patterns exposed
The lies, the masks, this game of trickery, so well-composed
It wasn’t you, I know now, that it was all me
Actually, This mysterious flavor you crave, is one called, BPD
The bitter taste, a detectable defect in this exotic blend
For those who have had their fill of it, again and again.
Stay far from my path, those thirsty just for fun
A small sip from my cup = darkness has won.
This poisonous drink even known to be fatal
And harmful to all, especially those mentally unstable
There they are, those of whom, I am closely akin
yet this taste, tastes too close to pretend.
Can I be present in this real world of gray
A foreigner, a tourist, just hoping to find my way.
I am being mindful now of my actions, impulses and words
Stepping into a world that isn’t black nor white, all is mostly blurred
I am asking my savior now, to sip from a completely different cup
He says he is standing beside me, and there’s no way he will ever give up
This message is here for those that I have known, hurt and loved
For I am truly sorry, I am just learning of this drink from above
This old taste may remain bitter on your tongues, it may even stain your soul
I have found the only way to relieve the bitterness, honestly, is to just let it go!
This was written for those who speak, as I speak
To remember your strength and forget where you’re weak
He loves you this second, this minute, on this very day!
You will always be remembered in my prayers, when I pray!
Debt, oh how it can envelope us. Drowning, is the term you may often hear used with the word debt. As everyone that has ever said those words, “I am drowning in debt!” really need help. How does one go from the life of credit cards, and fake freedom to a life using cash and actual financial freedom.
I of course am no expert in financial freedom, although someday I hope to be. Why listen to me? Umm… I am starting the journey to become debt free. Learn from my mistakes. That way more people, especially young people don’t make the same mistakes that I did.
As I take this first step towards this debt freedom, I realize I am about to work my way towards the most difficult journey of my life, almost like physically climbing to the top of Mt. Everest. Not many people reach the top of Mt. Everest (approximately 4,000 people) over 200 people have died, here is the list of those that lost their lives to the climb trying to reach the top of this 29,000 ft. peak. I was actually surprised to find out that over 4,000 people have successfully reached the top of this ginormous mountain. These climbers are proof that it isn’t exactly impossible, but that this is also an event that not everyone will be excited to sign up for. Talk about discipline and a little bit of insanity to sign up for this. And similarly, most people never realize the mountain of debt they have been building in their lifetime, and just where to gain the experience and wisdom needed to become an advanced climber to reach the peak of this mountain and claim it as their bitch. How do we do this? More importantly, how do I do this? 🙂
How severe is debt in the United States? This is not a place of mystery for most. I just googled it and those that are reliant upon credit to survive is at 40% according to “TIME”, and of course this percentage goes up to 45% when the income decreases below a $50K yearly salary. I don’t make $50K. I am not happy about being with 45 % of the population that relies on plastic to make it. plastic and the numbers that rely on it for everyday purchases
I know the struggle, and it appears that 45% of people making a similar salary or sadly, below the amount I make, understand this struggle too.
My first step this week has obviously been to find a way to manage the debt I have incurred over my lifespan. I want to do this on my own, so I only want to manage this solely on my income. I have recently reached out to a debt relief program. Freedom Debt Relief Website I know one thing is certain they do not consolidate or pay off student loan debt. This makes me sad. 50 % of my debt or more is student loan debt. This debt sadly stays with you until the grave and somehow I have heard that it can follow you there too.
Second step, realize my problems with credit card usage, and use methods of budgeting and only make purchases with cash. Do not touch allotted savings each month.
I also need something to invest in. Any suggestions?
My #selfhelpsaturday for April 7th, 2018 is about finances and being debt free. Hopefully in a year from now we can see some progress. Day 1, and step 1 of several.
HELP YOURSELF TO THESE LINKS!
Leslie Jamison reveals the role lying has played in her life.
My “Thank God it is Friday!” Face…
Looking inside yourself, truly searching for who you are… then trying to describe yourself to others should be a skill that is perfected at my age. I will be turning 36 in less than two weeks. I should be pretty good at this by now. Name any person I should know better than myself. I am drawing a blank, but honestly forcing myself to evaluate my thoughts and my current progress is a bit mind-boggling right now as well.
I told myself that I would start being more mindful, and what better place to start than being mindful of who I am and who I am becoming daily. I can honestly say for me and many others that this task of truly inspecting yourself without bias is one of the most difficult things to do. It is easy to make excuses and to draw sympathy from others with these self-proclaimed excuses. I don’t want sympathy, sometimes I feel like I want sympathy. I really don’t. I want to be healed of this disorder. My husband reminds me that people with this disorder can go through many years of intense counseling and still struggle with it. This is a disorder that I was genetically predisposed to have when combined with a traumatic event or loss of a caregiver. I can only really do this when I am honest about my mental growth and what still worries me. True communication about what ails me and confronting these feelings and thoughts before they result in action will be my focus.
I can easily poke fun at myself, and talk down about myself for the sake of a joke, but true and honest talk about what is going on inside is very difficult. I will now at this very moment designate my Friday blogs to be only about my mental health. and what things are polluting my feelings about myself or my life while dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder.
I have had some ok days this past week. I have also had some very down days. I have a love/hate relationship with the days where I have something planned. For instance, having an appointment at 11:45… and only wanting to read, or finish the last bit of an episode I found on Netflix can be bothersome. I must tell myself in those moments. “No, you can’t cancel your appointment to stay home.” I have to tell myself “You need this appointment more than you need to watch the rest of this show. Hit the pause button, Michelle.” I must tell you, the most difficult thing I am really discovering is controlling the urges to fall back into old habits. Thankfully, I am not talking about finding someone to rescue me from my old prison. I really feel that I have been able to stay focused on my family and mindful of the sacrifices and heartache they have already been through because of my lack of restraint, and I do not want to walk down that road ever again. The urges that I am talking of that take me back to familiar ground are my urges to online shop or stop at a thrift store to seek out that bargain that gives me a good feeling, that momentary high. I know that sounds a bit ridiculous. I am and have been struggling to stop my online “window” shopping. The kind of shopping that says, ” I will only buy something if I can’t live without it.” Then moments later you have a cartful of items, and you are telling yourself… “Just keep it under a $100 sister, you deserve it.” Seriously, this inability to control my thoughts and feelings about finding a good deal and my impulse to purchase things on sale not based on whether I need it or not has really put a strain on my financial situation. I am trying my best to be honest with myself about where I want to be in five years, and living paycheck to paycheck is not where I want to be. I have a stinking Master’s degree for goodness sake, and military experience. Why in the world am I drowning in debt. I need to improve the hold I have over my reigns on shopping urges. I understand that I can live without the momentary high for the over-all improvement of my financial situation, and to find myself in a better place when my children are adults. I am not just working on myself for me. Who I am and who I am becoming affect all those that I love.
(Above Picture) is a great example of where I was. I looked to shopping as “retail therapy.” This is the most expensive and pointless therapy ever. Do not fall victim to its alluring elements. It will only lead you to feel worse in the end. It is a feeling very close to disappointment. Oh, wait! No, that’s the feeling. DISAPPOINTMENT.
Today, I am feeling very good about the things I have done recently to declutter my life. I have done this for my kids as well. Even though my youngest still has entirely too many stuffed animals and well, toys in general. It feels good to understand what has been weighing me down in this particular part of my life and to consistently be present-minded at detaching from it’s powerful hold over me. I do not want to be controlled by urges and these momentary & fleeting “good” feelings. I am smarter than BPD. I am stronger than BPD.
Have a blessed day.
TGIF, celebrate the small victories too. We made it another week. Praise the GOOD LORD!
So I decided after my counseling session today that I would add a few things to my routine. I have to be more mindful of the things I accomplish in my day while working at being more present. I decided that I would read a chapter of a book before writing my blog entry for the day. The book I decided to start reading today is “Are You Smart Enough to Work at Google?” By: William Poundstone. I am only reading a chapter per day. I can handle small goals that ultimately lead you to reaching bigger goals. Today the first chapter tells the origin of the name, Google. I had actually heard of the word ‘googol’ before as it is used in the mathematical sense. Oddly enough I heard this from one of my students, that had been instructed by his parent to ask me if I knew what it was. I said, “the website?” He confidently said “No, the number.” I said, “nope, never heard of it.” I had a more in depth conversation about this from said parent during a parent/teacher conference. I am sure he meant to make me look stupid with this new information, but I just wanted him to talk about his student and leave, so I could continue with the other 40 conferences we needed to conduct. Well, he did eventually leave.
The reason I personally chose to add reading to my routine today after counseling, was my intention to be more mindful. I never actually thought about the concept of being mindful. I so often run on auto-pilot. The more mindful I am of myself, my surroundings, and the people in my life the more I should see an improvement in my mental health, my over-all physical health and my financial health. It seems like everyone is mindful, right? Stop what you are doing, look around you, what do you notice?
I sat down intent on writing my daily blog and noticed that just to the right of the bar in our kitchen a stack of neat books. Books that I have had either given to me or that I have collected from thrift stores with every intention on reading. I wasn’t being mindful of my urges when I purchased so many books, as when I purchased these books I didn’t really have time to read them. I mean I might have been able to, but I would have had to sacrifice something else in my life at that time. I need to be more mindful of my spending and why I am making purchases. What purpose does that item fulfill.
What gives you joy? What brings you peace? I have found that I am peaceful outside, more than I am when I am inside. That I am joyful over a hot cup of coffee (no cream or sugar necessary.) I am also a person that enjoys spontaneous adventure, or to find time to gain more knowledge. What is one way to do both of those things without breaking the bank… Reading. I love to read. I always have. It needs to be included in my daily routine. I love it just as much as writing.
Living life being mindful sounds easy. Once you consider the time it takes to appreciate all that is around you, it may not seem so easy anymore. I will try to be more mindful of my activities, my urges and those people with whom I share life with today and from now on.
The first chapter of the book was great. I am so glad that I read it today. I even imagined I could go to an interview with Google. The work environment sounds incredible. The first interesting thing that I found while reading is a quote from Nikolay Gogol. He describes in his story “The Overcoat” the difference between those that fix and those that create. “The abyss that separates tailors who only put in linings and do repairs from those who sew new things.” It is a different world for those that create from their imagination (creative mind – creators) and those that only rely on what they have been taught (academic mind- scholars). I love what Gogol says and also the quote from Einstein. Creativity can often be overlooked. I want to be mindful of my creativity.
Have a mindful day, inspect your surroundings. How does it smell, sound, and feel?
My goodness, one would think that funding public education fully is a no-brainer. I have seen so many charts and bits of information floating around on social media that makes this even more crucial now. More students in schools, causing classrooms to bust at the seams. More families relying on the school to provide not only academic nourishment but physical nourishment as well because of the increasing poverty of our state. Oklahoma is still ranked alongside 9 other states for having the highest poverty levels in the country. Check out article here. Poverty in Oklahoma
Oklahoma teachers acknowledge what a student’s needs are everyday and these needs are not being met. Teachers are saying they aren’t enough to supplement the student’s learning environment anymore. They are done waiting for results, they want the need in this state to be seen and felt. If we do not see the reasons these teachers are standing out in the cold each day as they wait to speak to lawmakers, then you honestly haven’t looked into the problem that has been plaguing our schools for too long.
I am obviously biased as I have been in the classroom for many years, but this is about more than our salary. It is about the profession and saying to our students that their state cares about them and the promise of a brighter future. I know that for me this fight is about the role of teacher should not be disrespected, we respect our students, our community and our state by providing more than an education. We provide care and inspiration to each and every class that walks through our door. I am ecstatic that teachers will not be ignored this week. Everyone is watching! Keep it up your courage and strength are commendable. I know that our schools were not allowed to walk at the capital except for one day this week. They are taking the state tests that are required to hold teachers accountable for doing their job. The tests never match up to the framework we are given to construct our objectives for the year. I pray for these teachers in my town and all over our state. I pray for those in other states who are saying that our kids are worth more. Who do they expect to work at schools with children if not those who truly care. Step back a moment representatives and find the solution, as there is a problem. The problem is not that the teachers “are like teenagers asking for a better car” ~ Ok Governor, Mary Fallin. The problem is neglect of taxpayer monies and monies designated for education funding being unaccounted for.
I became a teacher for several reasons, and most of my friends became an educator for similar reasons. I hope that educators can withstand the wait, I know they are patient enough… we have already been waiting for changes for over a decade.
The simple joys of childhood. “I found an egg mommy! Oh, There is another one!” My three year old daughter found the prize egg today! She was so proud! My brother had to help her locate it. He hid that egg so well, and I told him that it was going to be way too hard to find. I am the person that was like tossing the eggs on the lawn in plain sight for the younger kids. Apparently he was trying to keep all five kids out there searching for that egg for hours, maybe even days. Lol! It was hidden so well.
Church service was wonderful, my dad came with us. Then Terry and Jessica made a wonderful dinner!!!
Today was a blessed day!
Thank you God!
Happy Easter! We have made it to our first holiday since starting my blog. Sadly, this is another big holiday that has been super- commercialized, and the meaning of Easter means buying chocolate bunnies or marshmallow Peeps. I feel that the real reason behind a tradition is seldom taught anymore. I think I will start teaching my kids something before the egg hunt. Hunting for Easter eggs was always my favorite thing. I liked it more than Christmas as a child. I could usually find a few prize eggs, and one year I believe I even found the most eggs of every egg-hunter, which meant a huge prize! I loved it! I love the plastic eggs that break open to reveal a treat or some cash! I love seeking out the egg. Adding it to my basket then running off to find even more lil beauties decorating the front or back of someone’s yard!
The real reason for Easter! What are the traditions we carry out on this day and why.
Attending church… why is attending church important for some followers on Easter Sunday?
The resurrection celebrated on Easter Sunday. He arose from the tomb. Who else has ever felt shut inside a tomb, curious of when the rock would be removed. I had a huge boulder blocking the door of my tomb. The only one strong enough to move it was Jesus Christ. I didn’t step out of that tomb perfect, but I did step out of it forgiven and new. Thanks to our Savior, Jesus!
“He was delivered up for our trespasses and raised for our justification.” Romans 4:25
This sentence about trespasses and justification makes me think of real-life relationships and how often we trespass against each other. I could probably find a way in which I am guilty of doing this daily. With BPD – knowing boundaries is difficult and understanding how to deal with people once you have trespassed and then guilty of hurting someone whether it be their feelings or their pride or maybe even both the way to repair or mend that is often difficult to find. I had such an instance today. The past came back to bite me. Things that I said, things that I did hurt my husband. I have a hard time showing empathy and so I get upset. I cry and then I say “I’m sorry for not being able to handle this better. I’m sorry for not knowing what to do!” Trespassing is easy. It is done with little to no thought or consideration of anyone but ourselves. To have trespassed repeatedly against someone and then to have them raise you up with justification- meaning your innocence is justified knowing this is absolutely incredible. We aren’t fully equipped to be that forgiving as humans. but thankfully or Lord and Savior is! It’s almost beyond my ability at this current phase in my life, but He is teaching me to find my weakness and realize that those can be made stronger through Him. Praise Him! I’m thankfully that he is always there for me!
Happy hunting eggs and have a blessed Easter!
I may have a problem! I shop, I shop impulsively. I shop for occasions. I love to shop for myself, and well for anyone that appreciates my “finds.” The only upside is that I mostly shop clearance racks or thrift shops. It’s part of the high. My retail therapy. I’m trying to lay off of this impulse-driven addiction. I’m trying to limit my impulsive acts.
I find that telling myself that I’m saying “yes, to organization” makes it somewhat easier for me to put the clothing item back on the sales rack, no matter how little it costs. I seem to feel the need to give a nice loving home to those gently used items of clothing. I’m like a clothes hero. Ok so maybe I’m not! I can just convince myself that just about any of my actions are good. So instead of saying “Yes to the dress!” I’m going to say “Yes to organization!”
I pulled 7 large garbage bags full of clothes from my closet to sale at my yard sale. I probably still have two large bag fulls left hanging in the closet. I’d say I have been committed to this compulsion for a while. I am also a little ashamed to admit that I have two yard sales a year and usually donate items to Goodwill once the sale is completed. My retail therapy has gotten a little out of hand I’d say. This yard sale I gave three bags to a family that needed them and was still able to have plenty of items to sell.
BPD will not win. My brother told me to look into VA compensation for this. I’ll do that this week
I am exhausted!