I did notice today that I may in fact need friends for emotional support. I think I can handle a small circle of friends. It was nice to see that she was doing so well. I loved hearing about her sister, and the success she is finding in her young life. I was sad to hear that her mom and dad are no longer with us. It is crazy how easily we could talk about anything and everything. It was like we hadn’t experienced any time apart. I really enjoyed sharing the newly found self-awareness, I have recently experienced. To hear that she had been making it through her own struggles made me aware of her strength. She says to me, “Isn’t it crazy that life doesn’t ever turn out how you think it will?” I replied with a nod of the head… “So true!” I am understanding now we all need friends, good friends, to make it through this thing called life.
I have put so much pressure on my better-half, he has to be almost everything for me. I know now that this amount of pressure on a person can’t be healthy, even though he has been doing an amazing job of getting me through these past couple of months since accepting my diagnosis. I realize one person can’t be another person’s everything. It is not healthy. If you love the other person you wouldn’t want to put that amount of pressure on them, right?
A friend that I have had since Junior High came to visit with her two babies today, and has always been a person I have never had to be false around. She was one of the only people ever invited over to the run-down, trailer house we called home. It was refreshing to hear that she felt I was never dishonest around her. I was like… “Yeah, but there are several ways I was being dishonest. I would wear masks, and mirror individuals, and was deceiving myself.” Luckily, she knows where I come from, she knows my heart and knows I have the ability to be brutally honest. She had seen so much from me over the years, I could see that this was a little hard for her to believe now. I love my friend, it felt nice to catch up, and I am truly thankful that she was there for me as a kid, and has reminded me that she is still here for me now. Thank you!
Ok, so who else wants to join my exclusive circle of friends… I have room for about 3 more, maybe?
Tell a friend that they are the reason you smiled today. I bet it will make them smile too!
My weekly schedule a little out of whack. getting back on track today. I may only have a few listeners out there among millions, but this commitment is really about me & my recovery. Learning to do what I say I will do is vital for my recovery.
Everyone say a quick prayer today. We all shall persevere!
I now carry a book with me wherever I go. I never know when an opportunity to read will arise. The book “Are You Smart Enough to Work at Google?” sits inside the middle console of my truck. The book, “Choose The Life YOU Want.” is securely placed inside my purse. I have found I like taking them with me. A tangible goal always at the ready. I get much more satisfaction feeding my mind and mentally digesting something that is good for me. I have already spent so much of my time seeking that immediate and less satisfying mental fast food called social media. It may feel good at the time, but it can often leave you feeling worse than when you just entered into that world to fight boredom or to keep the social media withdrawals at bay. It was bloating my mind. I now notice that if I am on those apps it is to only make a post or seek out positive messages. I read with intent. I must practice this everyday, and that is the life I choose. I want to live intentionally.
“Choose The Life You Want”
Chapter 30 (Establish Your Superiority – or- Make others feel good)
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~Maya Angelou
I love this quote and the thoughts that it provokes. It shows that how we treat others is really the most important thing. Relationships have always been a weakness of mine. A byproduct of Borderline Personality Disorder. I bring people in quick and expect them to take care of the relationship. I really spend very little time maintaining friendships. It isn’t that I don’t love my friends. I am often found searching my brain and my soul. These activities are isolating activities, and the only person that I have found that enjoys searching my mind and soul as much as I do is my counselor. I have to pay her to feel that way though. I feel that realizing the importance of healthy relationships with people that I love requires work on my part as well. The more I work on this the more I grow. I have been developing emotionally these past few months and I can feel it. I love being aware of myself. Before accepting that I was standing in my own way, I believed that I could do almost anything on my own. That was an ignorant and obvious self-deceptive justification. We may be capable of doing things on our own, but doing life with people that you love and love you is much more fulfilling, and it also shows you the areas in your life that need nurturing, that need support, that also those things you may have allowed into your life that need to be removed.
I have been reading these books a bit slower than I normally read, because I am also studying each chapter, letting it melt in my mind to savor the flavor of each meaningful word. After this I can choose to prescribe certain things to my daily routine. I have noticed that it is causing many changes to occur. I love that it is. I am feeling more in control and less at the mercy of my mental inefficiencies.
If you are searching for a way out of the blah, reach for a good book about being mindful. It is helping me everyday. It isn’t a sprint. Savor the flavor.
Have a wonderful day!
Time, constantly fleeing from me,
I’ve chased it, I chase it, I am chasing.
Don’t waste valuable minutes retracing.
What started as a game, leads me down a spiral staircase,
Feeling sick and scared, I hate this game of chase.
Why won’t it just stop & discuss things, face to face?
Time never tires and the wind never leaves it sails…
I can run until I collapse, my mind and body fails
Play this game of chase again? only time will tell…
As I grow older, I am so focused on finding more time.
Catching only a minute to take in the sunshine.
A second to breathe, a second to unwind.
I am seduced by the thought of winning the game.
It taunts me everyday, screaming out my name.
Every second changes me and time remains the same
I charm the seconds to convince them that I am worthy.
But they soon realize my request is self-serving.
Time can’t be caught, for it is always fleeing.
You will only catch a few seconds, before they disappear.
Time is making it more and more clear…
That time isn’t something to be feared.
Time plays games, a champion of hide & seek.
I call “time-out” only it can’t hear me.
Is my desire to catch time sought selfishly?
This thought leaving me confused and concerned.
How much more will it take before I learn?
Time isn’t something I must work hard to earn.
It was given to us, a gift from heaven sent.
That time isn’t running from us, only a tool for measurement.
The decisions I have made are measured in moments.
I choose my moments, how long I will stand in the sun.
I know now that time works for me, but always on the run.
The article above explains why repeated exposure to places, or events may help us manage our intense and anxiety-ridden feelings about those situations in a more confident manner. This article supports the idea that allowing something to become habitual makes it a less stressful event. The thing that most people do when met with a situation that creates a feeling of anxiousness or fear is to avoid it, so the feeling of vulnerability doesn’t overwhelm their senses. Science says that one way to beat it, is to expose yourself to it, repeatedly.
I can remember being an elementary student that feared speaking at all, much less speaking in front of a classroom full of kids… I believed that this role took a very courageous individual. I felt like all of my teachers must have been superheroes. To be so confident, all were able to speak so freely and with so much authority.
I felt at that age, I would never be able to speak in front of people; however, I grew up. I had to take speech, sing in choir, and do some news anchor intern stuff for a college class.
Eventually, after some time, I was the person standing in front of the classroom speaking to all of those kids. The crazy thing here is… I still feel like that elementary student at times when I am asked to speak in front of the same amount of adults. I know where this fear stems from and I also know that I have the ability to overcome this fear. I will overcome this fear with more exposure. Just remember ANXIETY is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. We control so many other feelings, why do we let anxiety control us? Consider this anxious feeling I have about public speaking being comparable to paralyzing stage fright.
There are several things that we may be asked to do throughout our day that could awaken overwhelming anxiety. After all, anxiety is an emotion. We can handle the emotions that bring about good feelings, and in life we learn to avoid those that bring about bad feelings. The trick here is to learn what causes theses overwhelming emotions, be present when you are feeling them, and if need be take your mental focus to something in the situation externally that is more pleasant than what you are feeling internally.
I know that being bitten by a poisonous snake is something I have always feared. I don’t imagine I will go handle snakes over and over until I am milking a viper.
This fear doesn’t halt my everyday existence. I know that each time I take a hike up a mountain or through high grass in a field someplace there is a chance that I will come into contact with a snake. It doesn’t control my actions, I have a healthy fear of snakes. There are those that are controlled by the emotional leash of anxiety. This emotional leash of anxiety is one you can choose on how you would like to respond. It shouldn’t stop you from living. Don’t become the pet on the end of the leash of anxiety. We should remind ourselves that we are the owner. The one in charge. Thoughts and emotions shouldn’t paralyze us, ever. Everything is always so much more aesthetic in theory and so much easier to say than to act on. As I write this, I know how hard it will be to practice. One step at a time, I don’t plan on jumping into a pit of snakes anytime soon.
Use your time to practice controlling that emotion. If we can release the control it has over us by exposing ourselves to the things that limit our everyday existence. Imagine all of the confidence gained from growing through the intense emotional control. Be over anxiety, by allowing the feeling to pass. Practice this and very little will be able to stop you.
Do you struggle with anxiety? What are things that has halted you in your steps? Have you ever tried to immerse yourself into that feeling to see how long it took for the feeling to go away? I am asking for a friend.
Have a great day!
Yes that is a potato, and yes those are fries. It is “Fry”day, after all! I’m sitting here waiting for my daughter to finish up dance rehearsal. I haven’t been too proud of my physical health this week. Every birthday, whether it be mine or any family member’s birthday I can find reason to justify my terrible eating choices. I haven’t exercised in over two months. I’m starting to see that my mental health is worse when I am not active. I will try my best to include physical activity into my daily schedule next week, and return to my diet plan.
Living with good intentions and living with the intent to be better are completely different. I can say. I went to the restaurant with good intentions to drink water and have a salad and the unhealthy stuff on the menu appealed to me more so I ordered that instead. OR- I can go into the restaurant and say this option would be better for me and order that to reap the benefits of your intent. When we have a reason or purpose we tend to stay a bit more focused on the small goals it takes to meet those goals. I need a good goal to get me back on track. I know that eating better and adding exercise will help my mental health as well.
(Article highlighted gives reasons how exercise helps mental health)
The thing that I hope to have accomplished by Sunday is a dream board that will give me goals to accomplish within a year. I will post pictures of my dream board, I feel this will give me the motivation that I need and desire right now.
Our lives are defined by ourselves. Our attitudes and our beliefs determine our futures. I don’t want the reason I don’t reach my goals… to be from one reason-that I didn’t have a good attitude.
Wow, I’m still alive at 36. Today was a great day. Lots of birthday wishes… mostly given on social media- by people I never talk to, which is fine. I chose DONUTS for breakfast (apple fritters were amazing!) lil girl had dance rehearsal and then we had a baseball game- part of pre-season tournament for the league. My son did well. He is pretty consistent! We had a normal day. Truth be told that’s all I ever want is a normal day. And then…
I did feel left out today. Baseball moms had a couple drinks before the game, and I wasn’t included. I take these kinds of things really hard. I guess I just want the opportunity to decline the invitation. I know why I wasn’t invited, what I’ve done is too much for people to understand. I am not able to drink on my medication is my go to excuse. Socially, I still struggle. I wear a coat and mask of confidence and tell myself. I’m sure their “dirty laundry” stinks worse than mine! They just haven’t had all of their laundry hung out in full exposure, like me. My life is slowly returning to normal… I just have to remind myself that this takes time.
Well at least one of the moms asked me how things were going, after the game. I even got a hug out of it. That was nice. I came home and couldn’t knock the feeling of being a failure. It was overwhelming. It was brought on so suddenly. I let the feeling win. Even though I didn’t want to. It really was a nice day to turn 36… I’m getting older and being intentional about getting wiser.
Repeating this statement today;
I am not a failure, I will overcome all of this! I will work Beary hard!
First off, if genius is not book smarts, but defined as a person’s creativity; I could work here. However, the more I read this book the more I realize the loads of information that is out in the world, that I have yet to learn. Should I worry about all that I don’t know? I do, a little! I want to be an intelligent person, and something that stops me from going after more lofty goals, is the thought that I don’t know enough. But then I turn my thoughts to appreciate the things that I do know. I also appreciate the new things I am learning each day. The thing I should remind myself is that I can still learn all that I will ever need to know. Right?
I have made it to Chapter 6, this chapter involves information about logic puzzles, and well since using logic to make decisions isn’t my strength… this might be why I am having difficulty finishing the chapter. It is more difficult for me to understand. It could also be that I started reading another book; and so that has caused me to put this book on hold at the moment. I do like reading it though. It makes you consider greater possibilities. It makes me dream of working at a place that appreciates the quality minds that they have working for them. I pushed my way through chapter 6. I am glad I did. It gave me a new way to organize my closet. This information is vital for someone like me. I have been working to change my habits though. I know that I do not like living in disarray. I am working to get everything just as I need it.
In the book they are still discussing the types of questions one could encounter during an interview with Google. This type of question about closet organization is considered an algorithm question. It says, “you have a closet full of shirts, and its very hard to find the one you want. How would you organize the shirts for easy retrieval?” The answers vary ranging from setting up a system similar to a dry cleaner’s retrieval system to just labeling and establishing storage bins. Arranging clothes from least popular on the bottom of the bin to most popular on top. This will decrease the amount of time you waste rummaging through your clothes. I want to do this now. Now, I just need to find the appropriate bins.
The other book I am reading “Choose The Life You Want” I have made it to Chapter 15. The chapters are much shorter in this book and the messages much more concise. This book has already helped me confront procrastination. I know that I still have that tendency, but at least I know that I can take 5 minutes to just get the project started and I am more likely to finish. I love the outcome of my newly painted living room. The gray really feels nice, clean and welcoming. I am excited to tackle other projects now. I have several chapters to go, there are 101 chapters to the book.
This book is very helpful for someone suffering from depression, anxiety, and of course BPD. Here is a list of contents.
Tomorrow I will be posting my weekly podcast. I will be including my personal story, what led me to being diagnosed. What that did to me emotionally. How it has affected my kids and my husband. I hope that everyone can check it out. My hope is that I can bring insight to others who struggle with this disorder. Pray that I stick with my schedule of producing one per week. I always hope to have a new podcast added by Wednesday.
Have a terrific Tuesday!
The manual my doctor skims through, the DSM-5
listing labels, he says, “point to the one that best describes.”
I felt like I was being quizzed, to see how well I knew myself.
Borderline Personality Disorder, eyes growing wide, did I pass the test?
Wait, what? How could this be? I love my personality.
How could there be something wrong with me?
Turns out my amygdala is smaller, and over-worked
causing my emotions to be intense, I look like the jerk.
That isn’t the only thing functioning incorrectly
My pre-frontal cortex, also known as the PFC
is a major culprit in the reasons behind BPD.
It keeps one from mediating their own choices.
Good and Bad, share the same voices.
It’s more than a matter of using your wise mind,
Our impulse is to react, without being kind.
This behavior sounds childish, you may even say!
these under-developed parts of my brain, are probably ok.
I am working very hard at beating this disorder,
I would love for my brain to grow, as I continue to get older.
I know that it has caused many disruptions in my life
Causing people that I love to endure unwarranted strife.
What I want for myself, is the same that I want for you
Help me see where I am weak, and believe in what I can do.
I have become aware of my tendencies and weaknesses
my impulsivity, my anger and memory losses.
walking numb through life, completely unaware
wasn’t producing anything worthy to share
I have been awaken to a whole new way of life
God didn’t forsake me, he has allowed me another chance to be a wife
a mother, a sister, a teacher. He has literally shaken me to the core
I am now so excited about all that He may have in store.
I know life is to short to be living in pain
so look away from the losses, and look forward to the gain.
The above picture shows the color I chose for the living room. (Acier Gray: Sherwin Williams )
Late Friday night, I finished up painting two walls of my living room a beautiful matte gray. The paint has a very neat and clean finish. I chose a matte finish as it seems to be so pleasing and easy on the eyes. Painting two walls doesn’t sound like much work to most who will read this blog… or may not even sound like much of an accomplishment. After moving the furniture, cleaning the walls, patching any screw or nail holes and taping off the trim/crown molding, I felt like I had completed a pretty intense project. All while keeping a 3 year old, occupied. Of course she had to help mommy paint the walls. She really did most of the painting, I just trailed behind her and spread all the globs out. LOL! My goodness, what I wouldn’t give for her level of energy again.
I was just looking up my color choice and found that there is a shade called : Mindful Gray. That will be my next paint choice, maybe for the hallway. Here it is pictured below.
I wrote about procrastination and a few methods that can help everyone to not put off projects until the last minute. Rather, get started on those projects by diving in. Stop putting things off. Painting my living room was one of the projects I had been putting off. It was the fault of my thoughts, obviously. I had tossed around all the work that would be required to complete said project, and those thoughts bouncing around in my mind kept me from just diving in.
The beauty into diving into any project you may be avoiding, is of course that initial feeling of accomplishment once you complete it. It also provides more energy within to tackle other things you have been avoiding. It has a way of propelling us forward to complete tasks we once felt would be too much work. Just being mindful about my attitude towards projects makes me aware of the priority of the task. I have found if a task is mundane or redundant I will put it off until it absolutely has to be done. I am hoping to change my attitude about these tasks. If I am successful, dishes and laundry should be mostly done everyday. LOL!
I know that I am not alone in my attitude with procrastination and the good feelings it can provide us after we have invested the hard-work required.
We had a ball tournament for my son this weekend and it was blistery cold. The wind blowing at least 20-25 mph. I nearly froze. They ended up with the 2nd place title after losing the 2nd game on Saturday, then playing numerous games on Sunday (back to back) to get back to the championship game. I know that my son was tuckered out. He fell asleep just as soon as he had some good food in his tummy.
On Saturday, after he had played a couple games we all sat down to eat a meal at a wonderful restaurant here in Oklahoma called, La Baguette. The food is always amazing, and they ran out of our choice desserts before we were ready to order them. We still found some delicious tasty treats to cure our sweet tooth.
I noticed that my son was being very quiet. He is a normally very calm and quiet individual regardless and maybe this quiet is only noticeable to his mother. At any rate, we started talking because I wanted to know what was on his mind. He told me that he didn’t really want to play baseball anymore. This actually wasn’t true once we talked it all out. He was almost ready to make a decision based on how he was feeling. He liked baseball. The truth was he wasn’t too happy about a few things that happened with his performance and the reaction he received from his coaches. I was able to talk him through it. If I had not been mindful of his behavior, had I not been there to just listen to him and ask questions and use methods that I personally have to use he may not have understood what he was going through and could have performed poorly on Sunday. His perception of the game would have been different and he may have felt that he was being forced to play. I could see a remarkable difference in his performance on Sunday and I am proud of my son to see how sometimes feelings can get in the way, and it is helpful to talk about those feelings, to be heard, and to have those feelings validated. I am so thankful for my babies and hope to continue working on myself so that I am walking proof that any one of us can overcome obstacles. The small ones, the big ones, the surprise ones. I am helping myself today by staying focused on the little people that hold a huge place in my heart.
Have a great day!
The post today will cover my thoughts and feelings on being mindful and my mental health self-evaluation. I have found that the self-discovery continues, and as I dive deeper into how I process life, my reactions to situations and people, the more I’m realizing how much Borderline Personality Disorder has continued to create turmoil in my personal and professional life.
I missed my opportunity to post yesterday, and oddly enough I should have posted not just because I want to write everyday… but, I want my Thursday posts to be about being mindful. So I did live my life yesterday with intention. I had counseling, so my entire day was focused on being mindful. I spent most of my day being present with my daughter. We went to the library after dropping big brother off at school, we both found a couple of books and she enjoyed playing with the nice Lego table they have for the little people. I watched her enjoy building and creating new things. She built a beach that had an alligator and Lego people. She said, “This was so much fun, mom!” It was fun to watch my little girl analyze all of the little pieces available to her and what she would do with each piece while creatively building this beach. She is so imaginative. I don’t remember using my imagination half as much as she does. I am so blessed to be her mommy.
Counseling went very well. We went over the “How” on being more mindful. My counselor had one of the books I was looking for at the library. They didn’t have it, so I felt blessed to be able to borrow one of the books that the kids’ counselor had suggested. The book is called “One Minute Mindfulness” by Donald Altman. I will start reading that wonderful piece of literature after I finish the book that I just checked out from the library. The one I am currently reading is called “Choose The Life You Want.” by Tal Ben-Shahar. I have already finished 7 chapters, and really like it. Chapter 7, is called Procrastination. Who is guilty of this? Most everyone, right? The author says to use a helpful technique called “The Five-Minute Takeoff.” I can see how this method would be helpful. The objective here is to just dive into that project or chore that you need to accomplish for five minutes. Once you do this for five minutes you are at a better place than you were before, because now you are actually doing something productive and not procrastinating, but acting. I am about to use this technique to paint some walls in the living room. I bought the can of paint several weeks ago… and yes I wanted to paint right away, but I had too many other things that stopped me. I did what I normally do, I complied to my feelings to just procrastinate. I feel that I am always waiting for the perfect time to paint. Folks the truth is this – Perfect timing doesn’t exist.
Self-evaluation. I feel more aware, and less on autopilot. I have been living so much like a zombie and never realizing why (minus the eating and craving brains part). My past included an established a routine, something easy and comfortable. I could easily set my destination on Michelle’s Map as “just get through the day.” (like a google map, but more accurate). I have literally coasted through a full day before on numerous occasions. I have had moments throughout those days where I would kind of catch myself realizing that I was just going through the motions, and I would say to myself… “this is so easy, I am doing things and not even thinking about them.” WTH? Why do I do this? I love being present and intentional so much more. It really does awaken our spirit. When we take time to pay attention and be present. It is more about experiencing the things around me, the things that make up my world right now. Appreciating the small and delicate details of the people and experiences we are blessed to share. I am learning that this is truly one of the biggest blessings in life. Our ability to experience, to see, hear, speak, touch, feel, taste. I am so very rich to be given these things. I will not take these great blessings for granted ever again. Life is a wonderful thing, you just have to be mindful of all of those wonderful things it consists of.
Be intentional today and as you listen today pay attention to the message, as you talk today be true to your heart and mind, as you feel notice the texture and temperature, as you inhale notice the natural aroma of your home or the environment. As you take notice of the things around you, look at it with the amazement, like that of a child, that is seeing it for the first time. Life is really amazing, and being mindful of that really can change your mood.