Tuesday: Time for Literature Reviews


I now carry a book with me wherever I go.  I never know when an opportunity to read will arise.  The book “Are You Smart Enough to Work at Google?”  sits inside the middle console of my truck.  The book, “Choose The Life YOU Want.”  is securely placed inside my purse.  I have found I like taking them with me.  A tangible goal always at the ready. I get much more satisfaction feeding my mind and mentally digesting something that is good for me. I have already spent so much of my time seeking that immediate and less satisfying mental fast food called social media.  It may feel good at the time, but it can often leave you feeling worse than when you just entered into that world to fight boredom or to keep the social media withdrawals at bay. It was bloating my mind. I now notice that if I am on those apps it is to only make a post or seek out positive messages.  I read with intent.  I must practice this everyday, and that is the life I choose.  I want to live intentionally.

“Choose The Life You Want”

Chapter 30  (Establish Your Superiority – or- Make others feel good)

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~Maya Angelou

I love this quote and the thoughts that it provokes.  It shows that how we treat others is really the most important thing.  Relationships have always been a weakness of mine.  A byproduct of Borderline Personality Disorder.  I bring people in quick and expect them to take care of the relationship.  I really spend very little time maintaining friendships.  It isn’t that I don’t love my friends.  I am often found searching my brain and my soul.  These activities are isolating activities, and the only person that I have found that enjoys searching my mind and soul as much as I do is my counselor.  I have to pay her to feel that way though. I feel that realizing the importance of healthy relationships with people that I love requires work on my part as well.  The more I work on this the more I grow. I have been developing emotionally these past few months and I can feel it.  I love being aware of myself.  Before accepting that I was standing in my own way, I believed that I could do almost anything on my own.  That was an ignorant and obvious self-deceptive justification.  We may be capable of doing things on our own, but doing life with people that you love and love you is much more fulfilling, and it also shows you the areas in your life that need nurturing, that need support, that also those things you may have allowed into your life that need to be removed.

I have been reading these books a bit slower than I normally read, because I am also studying each chapter, letting it melt in my mind to savor the flavor of each meaningful word. After this I can choose to prescribe certain things to my daily routine.  I have noticed that it is causing many changes to occur.  I love that it is.  I am feeling more in control and less at the mercy of my mental inefficiencies.

If you are searching for a way out of the blah, reach for a good book about being mindful.  It is helping me everyday.  It isn’t a sprint.  Savor the flavor.

Have a wonderful day!



Sunday: A Day for the Soul (Part 3)


Time, constantly fleeing from me,

I’ve chased it, I chase it, I am chasing.

Don’t waste valuable minutes retracing. stained-glass-spiral-circle-pattern-161154.jpeg

What started as a game, leads me down a spiral staircase,

Feeling sick and scared, I hate this game of chase.

Why won’t it just stop & discuss things, face to face?


Time never tires and the wind never leaves it sails…

I can run until I collapse, my mind and body fails

Play this game of chase again? only time will tell…

As I grow older, I am so focused on finding more time.

Catching only a minute to take in the sunshine.

A second to breathe, a second to unwind.

I am seduced by the thought of winning the game.

It taunts me everyday, screaming out my name.

Every second changes me and time remains the same

I charm the seconds to convince them that I am worthy.

But they soon realize my request is self-serving.

Time can’t be caught, for it is always fleeing.

You will only catch a few seconds, before they disappear.


Time is making it more and more clear…

That time isn’t something to be feared.

Time plays games, a champion of hide & seek.

I call “time-out” only it can’t hear me.

Is my desire to catch time sought selfishly?

This thought leaving me confused and concerned.

How much more will it take before I learn?

Time isn’t something I must work hard to earn.

It was given to us, a gift from heaven sent.

That time isn’t running from us, only a tool for measurement.

The decisions I have made are measured in moments.

I choose my moments, how long I will stand in the sun.

I know now that time works for me, but always on the run.






The Paralyzing Aspect of Anxiety… (Self-Help Saturday)


The article above explains why repeated exposure to places, or events may help us manage our intense and anxiety-ridden feelings about those situations in a more confident manner.  This article supports the idea that allowing something to become habitual makes it a less stressful event.  The thing that most people do when met with a situation that creates a feeling of anxiousness or fear is to avoid it, so the feeling of vulnerability doesn’t overwhelm their senses.  Science says that one way to beat it, is to expose yourself to it, repeatedly.

I can remember being an elementary student that feared speaking at all, much less speaking in front of a classroom full of kids… I believed that this role took a very courageous individual.  I felt like all of my teachers must have been superheroes.  To be so confident, all were able to speak so freely and with so much authority.

ross teaching

I felt at that age, I would never be able to speak in front of people; however, I grew up. I had to take speech, sing in choir, and do some news anchor intern stuff for a college class.

old teacherEventually, after some time, I was the person standing in front of the classroom speaking to all of those  kids.  The crazy thing here is… I still feel like that elementary student at times when I am asked to speak in front of the same amount of adults.  I know where this fear stems from and I also know that I have the ability to overcome this fear.  I will overcome this fear with more exposure.  Just remember ANXIETY is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.  We control so many other feelings, why do we let anxiety control us? Consider this anxious feeling I have about public speaking being comparable to paralyzing stage fright.

stage fright

There are several things that we may be asked to do throughout our day that could awaken overwhelming anxiety.  After all, anxiety is an emotion.  We can handle the emotions that bring about good feelings, and in life we learn to avoid those that bring about bad feelings.  The trick here is to learn what causes theses overwhelming emotions, be present when you are feeling them, and if need be take your mental focus to something in the situation externally that is more pleasant than what you are feeling internally.

I know that being bitten by a poisonous snake is something I have always feared.  I don’t imagine I will go handle snakes over and over until I am milking a viper.

viper milk

This fear doesn’t halt my everyday existence.  I know that each time I take a hike up a mountain or through high grass in a field someplace there is a chance that I will come into contact with a snake.  It doesn’t control my actions, I have a healthy fear of snakes.  There are those that are controlled by the emotional leash of anxiety.  This emotional leash of anxiety is one you can choose on how you would like to respond. It shouldn’t stop you from living.  Don’t become the pet on the end of the leash of anxiety.  We should remind ourselves that we are the owner.  The one in charge.  Thoughts and emotions shouldn’t paralyze us, ever.  Everything is always so much more aesthetic in theory and so much easier to say than to act on.  As I write this, I know how hard it will be to practice.  One step at a time, I don’t plan on jumping into a pit of snakes anytime soon.

Use your time to practice controlling that emotion.  If we can release the control it has over us by exposing ourselves to the things that limit our everyday existence.  Imagine all of the confidence gained from growing through the intense emotional control.  Be over anxiety, by allowing the feeling to pass.  Practice this and very little will be able to stop you.

Do you struggle with anxiety?  What are things that has halted you in your steps?  Have you ever tried to immerse yourself into that feeling to see how long it took for the feeling to go away?  I am asking for a friend.

Have a great day!


Mental Health: Self- Eval Friday (4-20-18)


Yes that is a potato, and yes those are fries. It is “Fry”day, after all! I’m sitting here waiting for my daughter to finish up dance rehearsal. I haven’t been too proud of my physical health this week. Every birthday, whether it be mine or any family member’s birthday I can find reason to justify my terrible eating choices. I haven’t exercised in over two months. I’m starting to see that my mental health is worse when I am not active. I will try my best to include physical activity into my daily schedule next week, and return to my diet plan.

Living with good intentions and living with the intent to be better are completely different. I can say. I went to the restaurant with good intentions to drink water and have a salad and the unhealthy stuff on the menu appealed to me more so I ordered that instead. OR- I can go into the restaurant and say this option would be better for me and order that to reap the benefits of your intent. When we have a reason or purpose we tend to stay a bit more focused on the small goals it takes to meet those goals. I need a good goal to get me back on track. I know that eating better and adding exercise will help my mental health as well.

(Article highlighted gives reasons how exercise helps mental health)

Eating Healthy

The thing that I hope to have accomplished by Sunday is a dream board that will give me goals to accomplish within a year. I will post pictures of my dream board, I feel  this will give me the motivation that I need and desire right now.

Our lives are defined by ourselves. Our attitudes and our beliefs determine our futures. I don’t want the reason I don’t reach my goals… to be from one reason-that I didn’t have a good attitude.



April 19th – My Birthday


Wow, I’m still alive at 36. Today was a great day. Lots of birthday wishes… mostly given on social media- by people I never talk to, which is fine. I chose DONUTS for breakfast (apple fritters were amazing!) lil girl had dance rehearsal and then we had a baseball game- part of pre-season tournament for the league. My son did well. He is pretty consistent! We had a normal day. Truth be told that’s all I ever want is a normal day. And then…

I did feel left out today. Baseball moms had a couple drinks before the game, and I wasn’t included. I take these kinds of things really hard. I guess I just want the opportunity to decline the invitation. I know why I wasn’t invited, what I’ve done  is too much for people to understand. I am not able to drink on my medication is my go to excuse. Socially, I still struggle. I wear a coat and mask of confidence and tell myself. I’m sure their “dirty laundry” stinks worse than mine! They just haven’t had all of their laundry hung out in full exposure, like me. My life is slowly returning to normal… I just have to remind myself that this takes time.

Well at least one of the moms asked me how things were going, after the game. I even got a hug out of it. That was nice. I came home and couldn’t knock the feeling of being a failure. It was overwhelming. It was brought on so suddenly. I let the feeling win. Even though I didn’t want to. It really was a nice day to turn 36… I’m getting older and being intentional about getting wiser.

Repeating this statement today;

I am not a failure, I will overcome all of this! I will work Beary hard! 801119D1-5891-41EA-8962-103D5859A5A2

PODCAST II : Diagnosis & Acceptance


Want to know the start of my BPD journey and continuous battle…

Listen to Podcast here…


Literature Updates… “Are You Smart Enough to Work at Google?”


First off, if genius is not book smarts, but defined as a person’s creativity; I could work here.  However, the more I read this book the more I realize the loads of information that is out in the world, that I have yet to learn.  Should I worry about all that I don’t know?  I do, a little!  I want to be an intelligent person, and something that stops me from going after more lofty goals, is the thought that I don’t know enough.  But then I turn my thoughts to appreciate the things that I do know.  I also appreciate the new things I am learning each day.  The thing I should remind myself is that I can still learn all that I will ever need to know.  Right?

I have made it to Chapter 6,  this chapter involves information about logic puzzles, and well since using logic to make decisions isn’t my strength… this might be why I am having difficulty finishing the chapter.  It is more difficult for me to understand.  It could also be that I started reading another book; and so that has caused me to put this book on hold at the moment.  I do like reading it though.  It makes you consider greater possibilities.  It makes me dream of working at a place that appreciates the quality minds that they have working for them.  I pushed my way through chapter 6.  I am glad I did.  It gave me a new way to organize my closet.  This information is vital for someone like me.  I have been working to change my habits though.  I know that I do not like living in disarray.  I am working to get everything just as I need it.

In the book they are still discussing the types of questions one could encounter during an interview with Google.  This type of question about closet organization is considered an algorithm question.  It says, “you have a closet full of shirts, and its very hard to find the one you want.  How would you organize the shirts for easy retrieval?”  The answers vary ranging from setting up a system similar to a dry cleaner’s retrieval system to just labeling and establishing storage bins. Arranging clothes from least popular on the bottom of the bin to most popular on top.  This will decrease the amount of time you waste rummaging through your clothes.  I want to do this now. Now, I just need to find the appropriate bins.

Maybe these…

Storage ideas… AMAZON

The other book I am reading “Choose The Life You Want” I have made it to Chapter 15.  The chapters are much shorter in this book and the messages much more concise.  This book has already helped me confront procrastination.  I know that I still have that tendency, but at least I know that I can take 5 minutes to just get the project started and I am more likely to finish.  I love the outcome of my newly painted living room.  The gray really feels nice, clean and welcoming.  I am excited to tackle other projects now.  I have several chapters to go, there are 101 chapters to the book.

This book is very helpful for someone suffering from depression, anxiety, and of course BPD.  Here is a list of contents.9187928B-D3EF-49E0-BEED-BDA58550800B

Tomorrow I will be posting my weekly podcast.  I will be including my personal story, what led me to being diagnosed.  What that did to me emotionally. How it has affected my kids and my husband.  I hope that everyone can check it out.  My hope is that I can bring insight to others who struggle with this disorder.  Pray that I  stick with my schedule of producing one per week.  I always hope to have a new podcast added by Wednesday.

Have a terrific Tuesday!

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