I began reading “On The Shortness of Life” by: Seneca the past couple of days because of well the pandemic and the growing number of deaths around the world.  It immediately began to strike many chords within me.  Aware now that the secret to a full life is being aware of how one might choose to spend his/her time on a daily basis.  Fully knowing that our time is not promised, and will eventually…run out.  

“Those who forget the past, neglect the present, and fear for the future have a life that is very brief and troubled; when they have reached the end of it, the poor wretches perceive too late that for such a long while they have been busied in doing nothing.“~Seneca, “On The Shortness of Life”

     The recent changes that most everyone have been forced to make to their own routine has brought about some very pertinent questions in me, one being… Am I spending my time wisely?  One might think that we should have more TIME to get everything accomplished.  Here is the kicker, there are still only 24 hours in a day. How am I spending my 24 hours?  Have I been busied in doing nothing?

     I do have a little bit of a routine in how I like to spend my time. I know now that I enjoy waking slowly. I may have always known this, as I have never liked the sound of a blaring alarm.  I then like to make my way to the kitchen for my morning must-have, my coffee. Then I will proceed in taking care of everyone’s breakfast as they wake up, one by one.  I used to worry about many other things, but everything that I have been worried with lately has been based mostly on our internal needs. Health being the top priority.  Growing knowledge coming in a close second.  I took a moment to analyze how I choose to spend my time. This is what I came up with, my Weekly TIME BUDGET…

    

     Why do we think we have all the time in the world? At what point does this lie get planted into our minds? The time we have been given, is all that we will ever have. There is no way to store up more time for later.  There is no way to earn more time. It’s not like we can do things on “time credit” that concept will never exist.  We only have what we have, and instead of treating TIME like it’s our most valuable asset that we will ever have any control over, we ignore our authority over it.  The authority we have over it, has it’s limitations. It is limited to how one chooses to spend their OWN time, and once that time has been spent, it can’t be returned. Seneca suggested that the only way to add time to your life is to learn from those that have already lived. “They annex every age to their own; all the years that have gone before them are an addition to their store.” ~Seneca To take their knowledge and add it to ours. How does one do this?  READ, READ, READ!

   Choosing to learn from those that have already lived, will also teach you how to let go of your obsession with things that aren’t necessary. We become obsessed with being distracted.  “They strive for something else to occupy them, and all the intervening time is irksome.”~ Seneca.  We need distractions, without them, we complain of being bored.  I hear it daily from my kids.  They need a distraction almost every waking moment.  I am actually bothered by how much they need this.  Look at your life now, how much of it is spent on distraction?  How much of it is spent on something useful and productive?  What is your definition of useful or productive?  Some people define productivity, by the amount of money made. As a teacher, I define productivity by a couple of things… was something learned, did someone grow?   

     We can learn from our past, and from the past of others.  Those that do not take account of the past, have no concept of time and therefore will not feel like they have lived long no matter how long they may have actually lived. It’s almost like running a race.  If you know you must run a certain distance before reaching the finish line, but you have no clue at what point you started the race. You will not know how close the finish line is to you until you have crossed the finish line. By then its too late to say you didn’t know, we are all running the race.  

  This lie robs us of actions that we believe we’ll have time to do later, the things that mean something to us now should be our focus. The truth is, the only time any of us have is now. The trick to leading a full life with a reign on time is knowing that TIME can’t be stopped, but the authority of how your life is spent is up to YOU.  

Good luck and GODSPEED! We must put down the distractions. Society can’t keep putting things off.

I have been reading “On The Shortness of Life” Seneca on the app, Scribd

 

I mentioned in my last post that I am beginning a personal journey of becoming a Stoic. A practicing Stoic that also has BPD, learning more about the Philosophy of Stoicism has actually been quite therapeutic for me and has offered many great coping skills to help with my daily struggles. Does this mean I have figured out how to regulate my emotions when they become dis-regulated? Not entirely, not yet, but what it has shown me, is that it’s ok to feel certain ways about certain things. That these feelings don’t always have to be agreeable with others. As they are MY feelings. That the moments I am asked for my opinion, thoughts or feelings on a matter my response at that point only requires honesty, and if I’m not sharing my honest opinion, thoughts, and feelings about things and I am just telling a person what I feel they want to hear, I am in fact using a form of manipulation. As they aren’t seeing a true version, but a version I’ve created for them. (My life in a nutshell!)

“In order to please others, we lose our hold on our life’s purpose.”

Epictetus

This one personality choice. Choosing to please others, a choice that was made without really being aware of the harm it would bring me and my loved ones during my adult years, is one I hope to break. It truly seemed harmless. I was just pleasing others. No, I wasn’t. I had been painting a picture all those years. Only the picture I had been painting was not a true picture of who I am, and now no one knows what the hell they are looking at, (I’m left looking like a Picasso!) At some point in my life before I had made that decision, I had learned that I liked making others happy, or thought that I had some sort of control over making others happy. Stoicism, tells us we only have control of our internal/external responses for ourselves and only ourselves. living as a people pleaser had not only proven to be exhausting, it proved to be a downright painful existence. I’d wonder about, latching on to other’s opinion’s or beliefs and then think who am I? Where do I stand? It was becoming more and more apparent that I had no solid grip of my own identity. No consistency with who I was, no boundaries, just out to please, no limits. Do you know anyone like this? Are you like this? Is it wrong to be this way? Maybe the question is better asked this way, is it right to live this way?

“To find yourself, think for yourself.”

Socrates

I have been a self-prescribed people pleaser for so long it’s hard for me to pin-point the age of my youth at which this actually started, but it wasn’t until adulthood that I started to really feel the negative repercussions of this prescribed way of life. I wouldn’t stand up for what I wanted, because I had no actual clue of what that was. I would easily go along with whatever it was anyone else wanted to do, or agree with what was said just as long as they appreciated or made note of my easy-going personality. I wanted to be liked. Not for the things that made me unique, or the things that actually made me, me… I just wanted to be liked and this meant at any cost.

Wearing masks is actually a part of having BPD ( Borderline Personality Disorder) I’d say it’s a side affect of being a people pleaser as well. I listen to several different stoic podcasts daily for inspiration and direction. One morning, I hear that masks are important in stoicism, but they are referred to as roles. When I am at work, I fulfill a role as a teacher. When I am at home, I have two roles, my first role being a wife and second role being a mother. Our first roles are generally given to us when we are born, either as a son or daughter. I grew up thinking that I never fulfilled my roles very well. Especially after my parent’s divorce. Now, after looking at it through the lens of stoicism. I observe that the expectation I once had of myself may have been impossible. I kept trying to fix everything that was broken. That was not my function, which is why I felt my role was left unfulfilled. I look back and notice that I was raised primarily by my dad and was the only daughter. I was also the only grand-daughter on my mother’s side. No one taught me how to be a daughter. I just discovered what that meant on my own, just like we all discover our roles. I can only expect to function in my role, no more and no less. I can only do my best. My best is what I will do. That is all!

I am just now learning how to respond to the world in an honest way. I know this will take major mindful intentions in order for me to make these changes. I plan on making these changes daily and have already taken the first steps. I’m pleased to say, I’m not here to please everyone, I am here to be me. Have a great day, just be you! Those that love you for who you truly are, truly deserve to be in your circle!

**Wanted to include a huge thanks to @dailystoic and @stoiccoffeebreak for wonderful podcasts! Thanks for stirring good thoughts and inspiring and motivating me to change the things I can control. Check out their podcasts if you are learning on the stoic philosophy.

Emotional dis-regulation might be the opposite term one could use for Stoicism. I’ve lived most of my life without acknowledgement to my dis-regulated emotional state. In my teen years, emotional dis-regulation could be seen on most days. This dis-regulation often misinterpreted as just being a teenager. As teens are often moody, impulsive, and emotional. It was a convenient front being a teenager, as everyone assumed I was behaving normally. As a child I can remember being so upset at times that I required a paper bag to breathe into just to help with hyperventilating. This happened many times. Again, the excuses were she just needs to calm down, she is just sensitive. Being a shy little girl, I was unable to communicate properly about the things I was feeling. This made it easy for others to believe I was fine. I still at times get almost to the point of hyperventilating when I experience an event that I have perceived as negatively emotionally-charged, or I perceive I am being blamed. I have moments where I feel my entire person has been hijacked and is now under someone else’s control. This is the danger of being highly emotional and highly reactive to your situation/s. You become subject to reacting without logic, thus leaving the person feeling like a puppet being manipulated by someone else. If I am not in control, then who is?

The stoic philosophy says that one shouldn’t react but rather look at the situation as something that you can not control. The only thing that you do control is your thoughts and your reaction in that moment. The stoic philosophy reminds one to stay mindful, in the present moment. Not to worry about the future, but educate yourself that tragedies and challenges are sure to be expected. That one shouldn’t take this personally as each of us are being challenged.

Understanding this philosophy has helped create some control for myself. I have been able to halt an impulse, as I consider the way in which I can be better received. It is my way of having some control in every situation. It alleviates the constant push and pull that we often feel when dealing with difficult situations. It’s understanding that you do hold some power, but that this power is limited to just your own actions and responses. Once you try to push your power onto something or someone else it is no longer a power, but a wasted effort or wasted breath. You then push everything out of balance and something may fall apart. In my experience the thing left falling apart would be me.

If you think about yourself as a lightbulb, it might help explain my understanding of this philosophy a little better. A lightbulb’s main function and purpose is to produce light, to lift darkness. Some may say that your light isn’t bright enough, others may say it’s too bright. Stoicism says, it doesn’t matter what others say, as long as YOU are shining as brightly as YOU can. That is all you can control. You don’t control where you are placed. You don’t control when your power is cut off, or how long you should last before your light burns out, but you can do your best knowing that you did your best at what you could control, and be happy that you were able to shine your light. This thought is so soothing to me, I honestly feel it has helped my anxiety more than my anti-anxiety meds.

I have several roles I fulfill on the daily, who doesn’t? My life is not so different from most. I am a daughter, I am a sister, I am a wife, I am a mother of two, I am a teacher, I am a friend, etc. we could list the roles for a little bit longer I am sure of this. The beauty with stoicism isn’t to compare your role to that of another, it’s to ask yourself while on a said task, fulfilling specific roles, are you genuinely focused and completing the task to the best of your ability? This has changed my daily life in a huge way. When I find myself doing something I don’t particularly care to do, the complaints cease and I am left repeating the question, is this the best I can do? Which leaves me doing a much better job and feeling the intrinsic reward of completing something at my best.

I am just starting this journey, practicing and learning stoicism. Hopefully the question is answered in my progress. I do hope someone with BPD can become a stoic. Have an empowered day, knowing that you can only do your best and that is more than enough.

* if you are on a similar journey please share your thoughts/feedback on stoicism in the comment section. Have a mindful day!

**Wanted to include a huge thanks to @dailystoic and @stoiccoffeebreak for wonderful podcasts! Thanks for stirring good thoughts and inspiring and motivating me to change the things I can control. Check out their podcasts if you are learning on the stoic philosophy.

I am a veteran of the United States Army. Even in Iraq during Operation Iraqi Freedom, I pondered how I might be able harm another human being. I had so much trouble with the idea that I’d often say to myself, “it’s me or the enemy!” I never had to assess whether or not I would be able to take someone’s life or injure anyone in order to save my own. Although, I was living close to combat I didn’t have to test my nerve in that way. I can also be sure I wasn’t the only soldier who pondered those very same thoughts, and our reasons for war are suppose to be for honorable reasons; freedom, security, or acting as allied forces. I’m also a lover of the outdoors and often observe nature. I killed a deer once, and understood the reason I pulled that trigger wasn’t to hurt the animal, but to help provide food for my family. Pulling that trigger was necessary in order to do that. Both situations were difficult, as it challenged my internal motives and my beliefs. I would only shoot someone, if I was in danger and I would only kill an animal, to provide food for my family. I watched videos of Black Friday chaos a few days ago and watched it again with my class.

My thoughts… Are these actual people or wild predators? I’d like to see National Geographic do an episode called “The Bargain Shopper” the worst and most dangerous of the species being “The Black Friday Shopper”! What has happened within our society to make us act like animals in shopping centers.

Survey says that around 50% of people who partake in the madness, do it selfishly. Not buying gifts for anyone except me, myself and I. We have become the most selfish and greedy place on earth. To see people trampled leading to multiple injuries and one recorded death… one worker died after being trampled to death because the mob rushed the entry and I guess she wasn’t fast enough to move herself out of the way. Talk about insanity. That is absolute insanity. And for what, why are they acting like this? They are behaving like this for items that will more than likely fill the shelves of a thrift store, yard sale or landfill with the next year. We use, and abuse everything in our society and I want to just say, I’m sorry!

I first want to apologize to my kids. I’m so sorry my loves that you will grow up in such a materialistic world. I’ll try my best to keep you aware of what is necessary to be a good person. Lesson 1:

Let’s agree that Black Friday shopping can be done (if necessary) on Monday during Cyber Monday sales.

Christmas isn’t about gifts, and Thanksgiving shouldn’t be the precursor to the purge! I was completely disappointed in our culture and lack of respect. What will happen if we just decided not to buy their items, but stayed home and enjoyed leftovers and family, not to mention the warmth of our beds at 4am!

I had to vent!

God Bless!

Anxiety, what does it feel like?

Before being diagnosed and prescribed medication for anxiety I had learned to live with this feeling. In the mind it’s like having an argument that you will lose no matter what. It’s frustrating and irritating. I have this constant annoyance of being me. The guilt I carry from feeling not good enough;inadequate. The scared & nervous feelings that were ever present that people would discover my insecurities. I wouldn’t say I would worry about things going wrong in my life. I would just remind myself numerous times every day that they would. I felt that what I was feeling daily was a feeling everyone dealt with. Even with a Master’s degree and years of being an educator. I was ignorant of my own mental health. I had dealt with this feeling my entire life, so there was no way to know that there was something going wrong internally. Physiologically, it feels like an intense burn in your chest and buzz in your head. It flares up at times if certain things trigger stress for you. If you are anything like me anxiety doesn’t visit without bringing his friend guilt. Every time I start feeling anxious I also feel guilty for not being a better person, a stronger person. I still feel like this at times, but medicine and counseling have definitely helped me manage it better.

With school starting back this month; people everywhere are dealing with their own batch of anxiety. I know I deal with this daily, but for people that are new to managing anxiety, I hope you find some relief from my personal experiences.

How long I lived life without knowing I had anxiety?

I wouldn’t say I was born with anxiety, but I feel that it started at a very young age. My parents divorced when I was 9. This was a traumatic event and the years preceding solidified my struggle to find peace within myself. I would say it was about 33 years before I knew there was something not ok, and that it was OK for me to accept that things were not ok.

Why I struggle with anxiety?

There will always be people as well as events that show up in my life that are outside of my control or influence, this can cause me anxiety. Knowing that these things will in fact happen without my permission, and people will enter my life that have negative opinions of me. This can swallow me up into an ocean of self-doubt and the need for other people to approve of my existence develops. This feeling and annoying need, causes my habit of people-pleasing to perpetuate out of control. I then begin to relinquish my control to others, and my other habit of codependency rears it’s ugly head. My struggle has always been to make others see me as a pleasing person. I struggle because I know that I am not perfection and my pleasing someone is not certain. This uncertainty brings about my anxiety and a plethora of insecurities. Recently this has been happening less and less as I remind myself that the only person I can control is myself and I can choose to be me no matter what others may think of me.

5 coping methods that have helped me deal with anxiety.

1. Breathing – This is easy and effective! Take time to just breathe.

2. Tapping- Applying rhythmic taps to pressure points located on face, side & head help alleviate the stress I may be feeling in overwhelming situations.

3. Laughing – find a good comedy or a good friend that causes you to laugh. This is a great remedy to help pull you out of anxious moments in life.

4. Exercise – The release of good chemicals help the body feel better and manage stress more efficiently.

5. Pray – If the other 4 don’t work… say a prayer and start again. Sometimes you’ll find you needed to do all 5 to begin with.

It may not fully go away but with awareness, acceptance and treatment it can be managed. Take back control.