March 1, 2018
It’s crazy to think that my husband and I could have been living and dealing with an opposite outcome right at this very moment, because I wasn’t strong enough to dish out the truth. I had been lying to myself about almost everything. I told myself that I didn’t deserve my husband. That I wasn’t good enough to be a part of a family. I told myself that the only way to survive this chaotic situation was to just run. I think at this point I had split myself. I hate the word splitting, it really does make me think of two-face from Batman. Nothing against Tommy Lee Jones, but I would love to think that I have a little more depth and understanding than a character that must flip a coin to decide what to do. Honestly, it is almost like that. You search yourself for some answer, and the reason the right decision is so hard to find is because it is completely swallowed up by the immense deception you have created around you. I have been a liar. I was a liar. I do not want to be a liar. I will abide in the truth. I want to live in the truth. I am strong enough to handle the truth.
One of the biggest lies I have had to seriously consider is that with my behavior and speech around others. I try to read the person, mirror the person, give them what they are telling and showing me that they want. So basically every time I would meet someone new… I had more deception to create, a new mask. I think I understand now why I literally despise meeting new people or being with a lot of new people I don’t know. I can feel overwhelming anxiety, and just lie to myself and say “I am fine and everything will be ok.” Which it is absolutely exhausting to be what you believe everyone wants you to be. I feel that might be why I tend to over-act at parties, I feel it is my job to make sure everyone has a good time, but impossible for me to wear so many masks at once. I noticed that I chose to hide away at some of our final shin digs before all of my extracurricular activities had been discovered, I was drowning in deceit and I believed there was no way out.
John 8:32 – Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. I have recently started back to church and speaking with the only friend I have been unable to lie to, Jesus. I have been taught since my first experience in church that “God knows everything!” It was a little bit of a relief to think that I wouldn’t have to be something I wasn’t for this friend. He already knows every single act and every word that has escaped my lips, even every thought before I have it. This disturbed me and relieved me at the same time. I was initially just wanting His forgiveness, and then the more I prayed, the more truth came out. I felt that little by little I started to find myself again. I think I need to start treating every relationship like I treat my relationship with Jesus. Isn’t that a crazy thought, for a BPD to quit lying altogether because everyone already knows their actions, thoughts, and sins. This would be much easier to do if I believed people had the same grace and mercy like that of what we receive from Jesus. I have seen it from very few people in my life since my eruption of BPD chaos. Although I am full of gratitude to have anyone show me grace and mercy at this point. My husband, my rock and truly the love of my life has been hurt the most. I left him confused, scared, and unable to live in the town he grew up. I hate that I hurt him so much. I hope in time he can see who I am with clarity and know that he is mine, and I am his without any question. I crave that. I am anxious for that. I must be patient, allow him to heal and understand what all I have destroyed and how long it will take to make all needed repairs and restoration.
My son, my first-born… the bundle of joy that was delivered to us early March, 2008 will be celebrating his 10th birthday this year. I am so proud of who this young man is becoming. He will be a great man and although I know the lessons I have had to learn the hard way aren’t just sitting there as a cheat sheet for him, so that he can get passed the hard times. He will have a mom there that knows the struggle. I had to invite friends to my son’s birthday party. which will be in a week. We planned to take the boys to an RV Park for a night, and let them have a blast camping out and then waking up and spending time at the Trampoline Park. I was devastated to learn for the second time that a friend of Elliott’s was not going to be allowed to stay the night with Elliott because of mistakes I had made. A nice christian family. Leaders of a church. I can understand having reservations, but talk to me. I would never harm a child, ever. This was devastating for me, not because I was news to our town and all of my troubles were the hot topic, but that it seeps into the lives of those I love the most. I am sorry my son. I never meant to be a disgusting example of a parent. I will do right by you and your sister. I am so very sorry. The positive here… is that we still have people in our lives that will allow their kids to hang out with our boy, so hopefully they all have a great time and this birthday can go down in the history books as one of the best birthday parties ever. I know I can be a bit extreme. It is all or nothing for a person living with BPD. I plan to give it my all.
I start tomorrow at an outpatient facility, my initial assessment for their outpatient program. I will be honest, and seek help. I am sick and tired of being a person with the inability to just be myself.
“Be like a tree and grow no matter what may stand in your way!” ~Michelle
I had to reschedule the interview, in order for insurance to cover your program you have to be ready to commit to it within three days of initial interview. I wasn’t ready, because we had already planned a Spring Break family vacation.
The World in Black and White 