I don’t know why I think I have a right to just expect perfection from everyone around me. That they have no problem meeting my expectations. I don’t ask for much, just respect and a little adoration. I don’t even expect that from everyone, just those closest to me. Ugh! I hate comparing myself to other females. I feel like I can always find something that they have that I don’t.
For instance, a girl that my husband actually talked to and also added to his contact list, with a tagline of “AWESOME” in the place it says to type the company they work. She doesn’t work at “AWESOME” This all happened while I was gone on my 3 month hiatus. The meeting her and the adding to the contact list, and she had to write to him last night. It wasn’t anything inappropriate. She said something like “Hey! How are you?” and he wrote back “I am good, just playing music. How are you?” She says, “I am good, just out and about.” That was it. She wrote, he replied, and she sent one last message. I saw it as her casting a line, to see if he would bite. I still think I am right about this. We will see if anything comes through today.
Why did he not mention me? Why didn’t he tell her, “You should probably take me off your radar, because my wife and I are working things out.” Ugh I am still so angry. Jealous? Maybe! She has her job still, no kids, she is pretty and her body type is what he looks for. Ugh! Just tell her you are with me! Tell someone that you are with me. I want to hear you say to someone “I love my wife, she is trying, she is dealing with something that is very hard to beat.”
I don’t want to be like this. Why do I have to go into this rage that happens internally. It literally makes me want to explode. It happens over dumb shit. Almost every time something small like this happens. I can actually feel it all over my body. The rush of adrenaline. I just sit there when it happens. I want the feeling to stop, but it is happening beyond my control. Why does my brain function like this? Why? I will tell you why, just as soon as I understand it. Unfortunately, I found the reason why. Read this article in the link I am adding. You will see, but possibly not fully understand the seriousness of Borderline Personality Disorder. God help me!
The World in Black and White 